The day of "what if"

Today was "The Day", the one any pregnant woman dreams about the minute she finds out she is pregnant. Today was my due date. I remember getting my positive test and being scared to death, but immediately finding out my due date (technology is so wonderful to have!) Today was the date that everyone I told wanted to know, that every mother anticipates with hope and fear, the date that will for ever be etched in my mind as the day of "what if..."
Because "what if" Taylor hadn't died? How would the rest of my pregnancy have gone? Would it have been more like Carson's (easy) or Colten's (with complications and induction)? Was Taylor a girl (like we thought) or a boy? Would Carson be sleeping in his new room and potty trained by now? How would Colten feel about Taylor? How would I have bonded with my friends over being pregnant together instead of avoiding each other?

I try not to get too caught up in the "what if..." of this. I could spend days thinking about the past, but need to live in the now and the future. I know my few readers don't want to continually be sucked into my grief, but because of today I will take time to think about where I would be if life hadn't changed so drastically five months ago.

From today on I can no longer think "I would be X weeks along now" each time I see a calendar or pregnant woman. I can only think "Taylor would be X old now if things had been different." It is such a change of mind, to realize that I can't wish I was pregnant with Taylor, because I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. Now I can only wish I was pregnant with a healthy baby.

My dear husband has been so very supportive through all these months. I know he grieves in his own way, but was sure he had forgotten what today was and would act like it was just another day. This morning he put aside his own grief and gave me the most thoughtful card and orchid. He said the most wonderful things in the card and I was so happy just to know that he is remembering and thinking about Taylor today too.

As for the rest of today, I don't have school, so we are going to go visit Tony's grandma. While Colten is at school and Carson naps I plan to transplant some flowers that have outgrown their space and look up the care of orchids online. I've never had one before and it wouldn't be good to kill it.