Gingerbread pictures

I know it has been a month since I've posted. Things have just been crazy around here. But here are some pictures of my gingerbread house. I went with an all white theme this year thanks to Jenny for giving me the idea!

Christmas Pics

The boys in warm jammies Grandma made!

The boys got nerf dart guns from Santa, but Mom and Dad had a great time with them too!

Colten got games for his gameboy to play.

Matching cuties at Mom's house.

More homemade construction equipment from Dad!

Colten's big "scoop" that Grandpa made!

Carson has to test ride it too!

Sorry,but no matter how many times I tried to space it, the text always shuffled up!

Thanksgiving weekend, in pictures

Boys at the hotel pool.

Colten driving a submarine at OMSI.

In Mt Hood ready to get on the Polar Express train ride.

Waiting for our hot chocolate and cookies

Santa showed up and snuggled up with great-Grandma!

Colten and his first visit with Santa. (He asked for Starwars Legos)

Carson asked for some fun toys from Santa (there were too many to choose just one to ask for)

After a busy weekend the boys were exhausted on the drive home.

Kids and pumkins

Making pumpkin cookies with great Grandma!

Get those pumpkin guts boys!

Colten was a wolf (though he looked more like a kangaroo!)

Riding the sugar high the day after!

Silently screaming

When people learned of my miscarriage, the phrase most said in sympathy was, "It was meant to be." I've thought about what that phrase means for a year. Does it mean that it is better that my baby died than be born, or does it mean that God wanted my baby to die?

A question was asked on the pregnancy loss boards that made me think. What series of events did my miscarriage put into play for the better. Some ladies said they were able to get jobs with better insurance or benifits so when they do have a baby, they will be better able to care for it. Others shared that their faith has grown stronger.

This entire last year my dream of getting pregnant again is what kept me going and wading through my grief of losing Taylor. Now that dream is gone, my hope is gone, and lots of my faith is gone. I could say that I appreciate the children I have and my wonderful husband, but in many ways, my life is very much the same as it was a year ago.

In some ways I think I am worse than last year. Pregnant women and babies such a strong sadness in me that I will go to extreme lengths to avoid any contact with them. So many of my friends are pregnant or have babies I have very little communication with any of them. Instead of praying for healing and a new pregnancy, I've lost all hope and faith. I no longer think about when I'll get pregnant, but instead wonder in a sad way if I'll ever have the joy of being pregnant again.

Some days I feel like I'm lost at sea, and that everyone who was with me has been rescued. Their prayers have been answered, but mine haven't. I'm still floundering, trying just to keep my head above water some days wondering if it will ever end. I feel like I'm screaming and crying for help but there are no help coming. The only answers I get are from those women lost in the same water; some there longer than me and weakened more by infertility. Does anyone hear me? Do they not know how to help, or are they tired of hearing about my grief?

So many people have told me to pray, or have faith, or just trust that God has a plan, and I've been trying so much to keep that, but knowing now that I won't be pregnant and able to share the experience with my close friends, that I won't have a baby for at least another year, has destroyed the hope and faith that I had in my body and in God's plan. Other people told me to accept the blessings I've got (my boys) and be happy with that. I once was talking with a friend about how much I wanted to be pregnant and another baby. She said that maybe I couldn't have anymore children. When the conversation happened last spring, I told her that of course I would get pregnant! I ALWAYS got pregnant easy. Now I'm realizing how much she was right. The chances of me getting pregnant again are getting slimmer with every failed cycle I have. I have to be happy with what I've got, and stop wishing for unfulfilled dreams.

Remembering my baby

Today is a day for remembering. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Candles are lit around the world at 7:00 pm and burn for an hour (or longer) to create a wave of light shining around the world.







I remember this day last year, still overwhelmed with my grief. It was my first day back at work after my miscarriage. I lit a candle last year for Taylor and all the other babies lost.

This year I've lit two candles, one for Taylor, and one for all the babies of friends and family who have lost ones. I'm still dealing with my grief and have the additional frustrations of infertility added. I am taking just a few minutes think about all I lost one day a year ago.






And for all my fellow bloggers from whom I've taken these images, please don't be mad, they are truely incredible pictures.

My Dear Friends

Since I've been planning to stop trying for a baby, I've been a bad friend. I've been distancing myself from everything pregnancy and baby related, which includes some close friends who are pregnant. I've pretty much stopped all communication with them. I don't read their blogs, talk to them or see them. A few emails and notes have been all these last few months. I know my family is worried that I'm breaking some special friendships, and I don't have an abundance of friends. I HAD to do this though. I've got some nasty bitterness inside me, since I'm not getting pregnant, and I didn't want to say or do something that would destroy a friendship.

Thankfully, those three dear friends, who are all due in the next 6 months, are understanding where I'm at right now. I've gotten letters and notes from them saying they understand why I can't share their pregnancy joys right now. It is so very reassuring that these are truely wonderful friends to have and I'm sure I will be friends with them again, just not right now. So, you know who you are, but THANK YOU. It means so much to me that you are helping me get through this. :)

When Hope and Prayer Aren't Working...

...you give up. I know I've talked about it before, but I am giving up on getting pregnant. The stress of trying to get pregnant is causing too much stress in my marriage and consumes too much of my time. I've spent the last four weeks (since my last period) accepting that a 2010 baby is not going to happen for me. It is a decision I've been facing since we started trying last spring. Now that I'm experiencing secondary, unexplained infertility and my doctor thinks fertility drugs are the answer, I am instead stepping back from the stress and medication. I hate taking even minor pain meds, so I am very cautious to jump on idea of fertility treatments. Part of me thinks that if all my prayers and the prayers of friends and family haven't helped me out, drugs certainly won't.

All of you praying for me, you can pray for me to be able to put this dream aside and find happiness in the children I have. We may try to get pregnant, later next spring, but for right now, we are preventing getting pregnant again (not that my body needs any help with that).

Joys of sleep

I haven't slept in a year and a half. Seriously, I haven't REALLY slept in that long. I would either sleep during the day and be up at night, go to sleep quick and wake up all the time, or the worst; wake up at 3 am crying and not get back to sleep with my brain too full. It wasn't my miscarriage that caused it because I wasn't sleeping when I was pregnant (and got bad nausea). Something just wouldn't let me enjoy a good night's sleep.

The last two weeks have been a joy. Ever since I came back from CISPUS, I've been sleeping! It's not just dozing, but really dreaming, sleep walking, barely hear my alarm SLEEP! I am so excited! I don't know what it is (weather, daylight, less stress, weight loss?) . I just know I like it! Now if only I could not feel groggy and stop reaching for the coffee!

The worst day of my life

One year ago today, at almost 19 weeks pregnant, I got the worst news I'd ever had: my baby had died four weeks before. I've been remembering all the "What was I doing a year ago" memories since June. Since an "oops" turned into an unplanned pregnancy, then into a much wanted baby. My fears of a miscarriage (almost everyone I know in my family has had one) to my joy of seeing a heartbeat at 11 weeks, to spotting and my world came crashing down around me.



I'd had fears of miscarrying Taylor since I first looked at the pregnancy test. Almost everyone in my family has had a miscarriage of one kind or another. I remember praying every night for God to let my baby be healthy, and every visit to the doctor it was. 12 weeks is the "magic" number when most women think they are past the "miscarriage point". Supposedly the risks of a miscarriage are only 5% after seeing a healthy heartbeat and making past 12 weeks. I was one of that 5%. I'd read blogs about miscarriage and remember thinking something just wasn't right. I'd been feeling sick for most of September last year, but I chalked it up to a busy start of school and the stress of being outdoor school coordinator. I even remember standing around for an emergency drill at school and thinking my baby was sitting really low and feeling like I was close to going into labor, then talking myself out of it and mad for thinking those thoughts. How scary to think that I was right.



On September 10, 2008 I had a normal healthy baby check up and heard a strong heartbeat. Just three days later my baby would stop growing and it's heart would stop. On October 5th, my birthday, I would start spotting. Not enough to worry a nurse or doctor, but enough to worry me. Two days later the spotting turned to red and a call to the OB nurse forced me to accept reality. "Have you been feeling regular fetal movement?" she had asked. Well of course I'd been feeling regular movement, the baby had been kicking me for the past few weeks hadn't it! I told her "I think I've been feeling it." and I started sobbing, doubting every time I had thought I felt movement.



I was supposed to have my "big" ultrasound, the one when I find out the sex of the baby. Tony and I had always wanted to be surprised, but with Taylor, we wanted to know. Instead of finding out the sex, we found out our baby had died. There was no heartbeat on the screen. You know things are bad when the ultrasound tech doesn't tell you anything, just keeps frantically taking measurements then sends you back to talk to your doc. Tony had been watching the screen for any sign of movement or life, and got to see our baby for the last time. I only wish I had been able to see it too. We opted to have a D&C the following day.



The following day both mine and Tony's parents left on vacation and I had surgery. It was awful. I fit into my normal clothes the next day and gave my maternity clothes to a friend who was expecting.



My grief for my dead baby has consumed me at times during this last year. Friends and family have been very supportive, but I will always grieve for my baby. I've battled the anger, sadness, and grief through friends pregnancies, unwanted advice, and now, my own infertility battles. Our loss has made my marriage stronger, and the stress of trying for another has almost destroyed it.



If you had asked me the day after my surgery what I would be doing a year from then, I would have told you I'd be hugely pregnant and happy. Here I sit, 365 days later, with an empty uterus and unknown infertility, an empty room filled with baby stuff, with everyone else around me blissfully pregnant. I can't see friends I used to see all the time, I can barely go to church with everyone pregnant or with new babies. Even watching movies is difficult. I rarely sleep through an entire night, and a year later, crying is still a daily activity. This blog has even evolved from a place to post my family pictures, to a place for me to get all my frustrations and grief out, a place to really share how I feel, and a few comments from its readers.



I have plenty of regrets, but would never wish I hadn't been pregnant. I wish I had seen that sad and final ultrasound. Most of all, I wish I was writing about my 7 month old baby's new skills and not my dead baby.





*Re-reading all my old posts from a year ago (to do the hyperlinks) has shown me just how happy I was before my miscarriage and how much my life has changed in just one year.

Ever again?

This week marks the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. Each day reminds me of what I was doing one year ago. Last year at this time I was 18 weeks pregnant and recieved a necklace like this one for my birthday. I was thrilled to recieve it because I had admired them and always wanted one. I was able to enjoy it for three days. I wore it to church and to school two days, all three days I was having light spotting. I haven't worn it since then. I just can't.

The necklace is tucked in it's original box, in the bottom drawer of my jewelry box, waiting, just waiting for the time when I have three live children and can wear it. I just didn't think it would still be tucked away one year after my loss.

I'm just hoping I can make it through this week with my birthday and all the sad memories that surround it. I'm already an emotional crying wreck, and I'm sure it's only going to get worse as the days go on. Part of me would like to disappear for the week, or completely turn off all thoughts about what happened a year ago. I could do that, but I also feel that if there is anytime to open up my heart and mind to all the sad memories, and REALLY remember my baby in the right way, being sad and crying only reminds me how much I cared about Taylor.

"How can I pray for you?"

I've been asked this question many times this past year. I started out asking for prayer to accept the loss of Taylor. Last spring I asked for prayer that I get pregnant soon. This summer I asked for answers to know what was causing my infertility issues. I was asked this question last week, and I didn't know how to respond.

How can you pray for me? Pray for:
-my friends with babies and bellies to understand why I don't want to see them, read their blogs or facebook updates, or talk to them right now, and I don't know when I will.

-that I can get over this bitterness and anger I'm feeling right now towards all things baby related

-that friends and family stop giving unwelcome advice. It is obvious after 8 failed months that relaxing, supplements, alternative health care (accupuncture & chiropractic) DON'T WORK. Most of you don't know what I'm experiencing and since even my doctor no longer knows what's wrong, STOP telling to try something that worked for you, your friend, etc..

-that next week goes quickly and I cope with my one year anniversary of Taylor's death

-I stop crying daily when I have time to stop and think

-that I can someday re-friend all my pregnant friends that I've removed from my facebook

-I can grieve and get through the loss of my dream of wanting another baby

-for my husband to know what an amazing partner he has been this last year, especially putting up with my wild hormones and trying for another baby when he doesn't want another

-for my doctor to have some answers why this last year has been happening to me. I already know I'm healthy, tell me something new!

-that I can be happy again and stop stressing about things I can't control

So instead of asking me what you can pray for, pray for something on this list. I'm trying to stop stressing and telling people constantly that I'm "fine" is getting old.

Finally did it

I cleaned up what was Carson's old room and was hoped to be a baby's room this year. Carson's been out of his crib and in his big boy room since June, so I finally found the motivation to put everything baby away. All summer long my plan was to sand and paint my old toybox to match the dresser and book shelf already in the room. I kept thinking that I would get pregnant by the end of summer and so not to put everything up or take it apart.

Since that never happened, and the toybox never got painted, I decided today to simply put it all up. All my cloth diapers, stuffed animals, baby bedding and Noah's Ark theme stuff is packed up and in the closet. I even took apart the crib. It won't fit in the closet with everything else in there, but the room no longer looks like I should walk in with a baby any minute.

Colten was very concerned to see me taking the crib apart and wanted to know what the baby will sleep in. I didn't have the heart to explain to him that there likely won't be a baby to sleep in it. Since I haven't gotten pregnant in the 7 months we've been trying, I'm certainly not likely to get pregnant in the next 7 months either. The soonest I would ever need any of that stuff (if ever again) would be spring of 2011. Putting it all away was a big move but a good one. Maybe I'll get around to selling it eventually, but it might take another year for me to give up all hope to do that.

A day at the Fair!

Sorry this is a week late, but things have been really busy this week. We went to the state fair last Sunday and had a wonderful time.

The boys enjoyed all the animals and even got to go on some rides. It was interesting because this was their first time on any carnival rides.

Colten was big enough to go on some fast, rollercoaster rides, but didn't because they looked "too scary and fast." Carson wanted to go on all the rides, but it was a challenge to find rides he was barely big enough to go on.

This booth had laser cut steel cutouts that we all enjoyed looking at. The raccoons were the favorite for the boys though. It was a long day, but a fun one.

Ravings of an infertile insomniac

It's 3:30 a.m. and I am unable to sleep, again. I'm also unable to stop crying. My whole being right now would like nothing more than to curl up in a tight ball around my aching heart, so tight conscious thought is impossible. Even though I went to the doctor today to find more answers, all I've got is more questions, and anger. If you had told me a year ago that I would be up nights, unable to sleep due to my body's failure to work properly, I'd have laughed in your face. I'd probably have told you I'd more likely be up nursing a teething baby. How wrong I'd have been.

Even though my period isn't here, I know for sure that this cycle was a bust. On to #9. I never realized how hurtful comments from friends and family are when you want nothing better than to be pregnant.
"Just relax and it'll happen."

"Maybe you're just not doing it right."

"Have you tried (Fill in the latest idea from acupuncture to herbal supplements), it worked for someone I know."

and my ALL time favorite "Once you stop trying so hard you'll get knocked up."

While all my friends mean well, all the comments do is remind me more of how my body isn't working right.

I feel so very alone in a world of babies and bellies right now. All my friends who were trying to get pregnant now are, with the exception of one. All I see everywhere I go, the fair, the store, the worst is my doc's office, are babies and bellies; a constant reminder of how much I've lost this last year. I'm so tired of the reminders I'm avoiding people I know and want to avoid any holiday or meeting that I know pregnant people will be at. I'd like to hide in my hole until I can prove that my body DOES work and isn't defective. Each month I think, "Maybe I can go to the girl's brunch and at least tolerate seeing babies and the bellies. I'll be pregnant myself so I can join the conversation and not feel sad." But then that cycle ends in a failure and I crash and try to pull it together enough to be normal.

Secondary infertility is the worst infertility to have (in my honest opinion). I've gotten pregnant effortlessly THREE times! Why should getting an egg and sperm to meet be so difficult when it has even happened by accident before? My doctor at least now doesn't think it is just me needing to relax and exercise. I've lost 13 pounds! That's almost 10% of my body weight! If that doesn't get me knocked up, well, something else is wrong.

I went in and gave blood for more testing today. My doctor was checking my levels of progesterone, prolactin, and my thyroid. Nothing that hasn't already been checked in the last year. This time though, she thinks my progesterone levels are too low and that I'm conceiving each cycle, but my hormones won't sustain it. That's right, I'm not totally crazy thinking I'm pregnant each cycle. Chance are that I am, for 7-8 short days, and then my hormones kill it. It just KILLS ME to know that with a simple prescription I could be very pregnant now instead of empty. My doctor is also planning to put me on clomid to ensure my body is doing all it can to get healthy eggs released at the right time.

So I'm not pregnant one year after my baby has died. I still have too many days like today, when I burst into tears spontaneously, even in my sleep like tonight, with my heart hurting in the most painful of ways. And while I am at a loss as to how to get my body to work, everyone around me is at a loss as to how to make me feel better. Even my wonderful husband doesn't know what to say, he just holds me as I sob and cry my frustrations out.

And all I can think about is, "When is this all going to end?" When someone mentions taking a break from all things baby related for a while, I just want to scream. Part of me is determined that I WILL get pregnant THIS cycle. Something new will work, it has to. Even more, I have to ask myself if I can step away and let it all go. Can I stop thinking about what my body is doing and what I should be doing to help it? I don't know if I can. Several wise people have told me to just let it go and give myself to God' plan. I've tried that too. My plan hasn't worked for 7 months, but leaving it all up to God in my mind means giving up trying for me. Can I do that? Can I really stop thinking about my cycle and just not be trying? In my mind that almost means that I'm not wanting another pregnancy, another baby. Can you just stop that deep wanting? Do I not try my doctor's plan? I don't know what to do. I'm torn between my options, and deep down I'm just so very sad. I'd rather be curled up around my sleeping baby than curled up around my aching heart.

*I'm out of tissues, so it's time to go back to bed before starting another day, and while I know most of you who read this mean well, your comments and advice make YOU feel better about my situation, but very rarely do they make me feel less like a failure. Please don't hurt me more by thinking you know how I feel and offering suggestions. I get enough of that from other sources. Just understand why I don't want to see some of you and your perfect, beautiful lives when mine is just a bloody mess. I've got enough pregnant women and babies I see every day to remind me of just how defective my body really is.

Looking back

One year ago today I heard my baby's heartbeat. It was the last time I knew my baby was healthy and well. Soon in the week that followed, the heart would stop and it would take three weeks for me to realize it.

I'm feeling really pretty good these days. School has started well and I've been trying to embrace relaxing and going with God's plan. I can't help but feel out of place though. So many of my friends and acquaintances are now pregnant, showing, and due in the near future. I'm so very happy for my friends, but feel very awkward around them. I hope it gets easy in the future.

First day of Kindergarten!

This is the picture taken this morning before heading off to the bus. Carson kept thinking he was going to school also, and was heartbroken when we told him he had to wait one more year. Colten had a great day and LOVED the three recesses and his lunch! The only problem was that the bus didn't stop to pick him up but he's now on the pick up list so he'll be picked up on Tuesday.

9 years

Today is our 9th anniversary! We've made it almost a decade! This last year has been a tough one with job changes, grieving loved ones lost, and the stress of work and family.

Tony and I enjoyed a dinner out Sunday to celebrate, but tonight he surprised me by making dinner for all of us. He brought home drinks and cheesecake for dessert for us! It was a nice way to celebrate. :)

Last day of summer

Today is my last day of summer. Monday I meet with my practicum student (student teacher) and start planning my school year. I don't have students in the classroom until September 9th, but just planning and thinking about school, means I'm back to work.

My summer at a glance:

• two camping trips, one to Ft. Flagler and one to Cascades camp
• two road trips with the kids, one to Oregon and one to Wenatchee
• day trips to the zoo and the Satsop river
• lots of walks with Kira
• lots of bike rides
• two weeks of swimming lessons
• plenty of play dates with the slew of friends

All summer long I couldn't help but compare this summer to last summer. You might wonder if I ever stayed home and just relaxed this summer. I didn't, and I was busy on purpose. Last summer I did nothing but sit on the couch feeling nauseous and tired. Yeah, I was pregnant, but I didn't like myself. I was angry all the time and it ate me up inside. I was angry about how I felt, what my kids and husband did or didn't do, at God for not following MY plan.

I knew I couldn't sit around this summer. Sitting around would give me too much time to stew about how I wasn't pregnant, I didn't have a baby to enjoy, and nothing was going according to my plan. So I traveled and played with my children. I've truly enjoyed this summer and had a great time getting to know my boys before they grow up. We have done so much and connected this summer in a way we certainly didn't last summer.

So I am planning to start the school year more relaxed than I did last year. I've accepted that my plan for having another baby is in the toilet and am waiting for God's plan to include a baby. I started summer sad that a friend thought she was losing her baby and sad that I wasn't pregnant, yet again, but I am ending it happy to hear my kid's laughter as I tease them and see their smiles riding bikes and picking wild blackberries for jam. I am in a much better place than I was this time last year. I'm happy, and I plan to stay that way.

What a difference a year makes

One year ago this week I saw my "summer surprise" for the first time. The baby was healty with arms and legs and a strong heartbeat at almost 12 weeks. My biggest worry that day was if I was having twins (my mom had a dream) I remember rushing over to my school right after the ultrasound and announcing it to my HR person and principals.

I clearly remember voicing my fears of a miscarriage to my doctor and clinging to the news that there was a less than 5% chance of miscarrying after seeing the heartbeat. Tony and I started telling all the world our news, having no clue how fast that would change in 6 short weeks. How I wish I could go back to that day and still have the innocence and joy I felt then.

another milestone met

I went with the boys for my first school-shopping adventure today. We also paired it with a $ movie at the mall theater so it wasn't all torturous. (I spent $3 admission and $9 for concessions!) We did manage to get almost all of Colten's supplies at one store and only need the clean/empty frosting container (we need to eat some soon) and the disinfecting wipes. I also found the boys some cheap, decent looking shoes, but nothing to jump up and down about. After the movie we went to Baby Gap where I used the gift card I've had since Carson was born to buy each kid two long sleeved shirts.

We venture into Penny's and they had Sketchers shoes on sale. I like them, Colten's had a pair for a year and they are still holding up well, so we looked. The boys did jump for joy at the sight of those shoes. I had only planned on getting Sketchers for Colten, but Carson found these white "Cars" shoes and was pitching a fit. I got him hooked on a light up pair that was only $10 more than the cheap ones, and both boys were happy. Carson HAD to wear his out of the store. He wouldn't even let the nice lady cut the tag off them.

Last stop was Old Navy and each boy got some jeans (they have slim ones for my butt-less boys!) and a couple long sleeved shirts. All the purchases have been put away in anticipation of the first week of school. I survived this year. I'm over budget, but I'm happy for hand-me-downs more now.

Summer Pictures

Colten saw these Jello heart faces in a magazine of his and wanted ot make them. The cheerios are the eyes and smile and the sprinkles are the freckles. It was too hot that week to make cookies so this was the perfect thing to make on a hot day.

Tony also took Colten to the Centralia air show and he got to sit in a coast guard helicopter. It was a small show, but great fun for Colten.

My boys finished their 2 weeks of swimming lessons.

Carson would get cold and fuss the entire time he was in the water. He finally stopped screaming and just cried the second week.

Colten did a great job and the last day of lessons jumped in without his teacher helping. We were proud of him.

We went camping at our church family camp this last weekend. The boys had a great time and made new friends. It was sad today because it was our last trip in our little camper. Tomorrow we are going to pull everything out, scour it out, and get it sold. It was a great trailer, but is too small for our family. With two boys, two fat dogs, and two adults, it is very tight to fit us in for the night. We are looking for bigger trailers to get for next summer. We have lots of time to save up and shop for exactly what we need.

High lights from camping: Carson being able to not eat food at meals, but mooch food off everyone else at camp, putting himself to "bed" and really sitting on our bed and pulling every wipe out of the new package of wipes and scattering them on our bed, Colten learned carpetball (think shuffleboard with carpet and billiard balls), he made new friends and taught them all how to use his stomp-rocket, which was the best toy EVER recieved!

The boys all went swimming, canoeing, bird watching, and hiking. They had a great time. It was hilarious to watch Carson try to paddle a canoe with a paddle twice as big as he was!

To the end of five great years in our little trailer.