2008 in reflection

Today is a day for looking back at the past and forward to the future. The month January is actually named after the Roman god Janus who was two faced and able to look back at the past and forward to the future. Excellent month name to start out each new year. So here is my 2008 in reflection:

January-

• Start this blog
• Tony gets his commuter car smashed
• Buy Rodeo
• Get loan for the addition
• Nursed Carson for the last time

February-

• Start the addition and demolish the garage
• Carson turned 1!

March-

• Grandparent's 60th anniversary and family reunion

April-

• Colten turned 5!
• Tony turned 31!
• Tony's parents move up and in with us

May-

• Weekend getaway for Tony and I to Ocean Shores

June-

• Addition gets finished
• Party at the beach house
• Find out we are expecting another baby
• School's out! Summer starts
• My parents retire!

July-

• Went camping at Ft Flagler
• Colten went camping with the grandparents

August-

• Church Family camp at Camp of the Cascades
• Ultrasound showed ONE healthy baby (mom predicted twins) Due date March 6, 2009

September-

• Married 8 years!
• Em and Colten start school (Colten at SPED preschool)
• Healthy heartbeat check at 14 weeks
• Em went to Cispus outdoor school
• All family is sick with colds
• Tony get an Xbox

October-

• Em turns 30!
• Miscarry baby (started on my birthday and D&C on 10.8.08)
• Tony's parents head back to AZ
• Tony gets a new job and finally leaves Rainier
• Get new Jeep and start trying to sell the truck and Rodeo

November-

• Family roadtrip to Oregon to Prineville and Dayton to visit family

December-

• Gingerbread house party
• Huge snowstorm
• Sell the truck! (for several thousand less than we wanted, but we had to get rid of it!)

Looking back this year has had so many ups and downs, so many blessings and times of praying. Colten is becoming more interested in school each week and Carson walking and talking. So much changes in a year. If you'd asked me last year if I would be getting pregnant again I would have clearly said "NO!". Now I'd give anything to still be pregnant.

New year's is also the time for looking to the future and setting goals for that new year. My goals for the new year: lose 10 pound by March, get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy, to stay positive and not get depressed, to have more patience with my kids at home and at school. One year from today I'll have to look back and see what I've accomplished.

Just in case you are curious, the grandparents have the boys tonight and though I don't know what our plans are, Tony and I plan to be together and do something. It may just be watching movies, eating popcorn and drinking wine until midnight, but we will do something.

First time in 5 years...

...that I cleaned a bathroom! I know, sounds disgusting, but I've had a house cleaner for the last five years do it all for me. My husband would argue that I didn't clean the bathroom, but instead just cleaned the toilets and sinks. So what, I cleaned the parts that were the dirtiest and bothering me the most. I didn't even attempt to clean the boys' bathroom upstairs. Both big boys use the toilet frequently and it terrifies me. The sinks are used by little ones and are smeared with all kinds of scary substances.

Why did I clean you ask? Well, our house cleaner was supposed to clean last week but was stuck in her house with the snow like I was. She said that she would try to make it this week, but that it was unlikely because she had a busy schedule and was trying to fit in the make-ups when she could. So the next time she'll be here is next Wednesday. I just couldn't be at home another five days and see our master bathroom in the state it was in. So I cleaned it, and the guest bath downstairs.

You may ask, why do you have a house cleaner if money is tight? Isn't that a luxury? Well, yes it is a luxury to us, but it is also a marriage saver. When Tony and I were first married the biggest arguments were over money and cleaning the house. We had brought up the topic with our marriage counselor several times those first three years we were married. Finally, after three years and with an 18 month old cruising the floors and bathrooms the counselor suggested we get a cleaner and give up one cleaning chore for each of us. Tony gave up the floors, vacuuming and mopping them, and I gave up the bathrooms. Yes money is tight, and always has been tight in our family, but it is worth the money each month to stop the arguing. No more heavy cleaning and the best days are when I come home to a clean house that smells like lavender (she uses all natural lavender oil cleaners!) I don't stress about how to clean three months worth of mess when company comes over and it is easier to keep things clean once they are clean.

The best perk, it requires us as a family to pick up our stuff every two weeks for the house cleaner. I don't think of it as "cleaning for the cleaner" but instead is picking our stuff up off the floors and putting the toys and clothes away where they go so we get our money's worth. Why pay for her to pick up just to be able to vacuum, when instead keeping the stuff out of the way and if she has time left in her 2 hours she will wipe down my counters and table, or wash a few of the dirty windows.

So do I miss her when she can't make it, YES!

A little Change

You may have noticed some changes on the blog. I decided that it was less a blog about my family and more my depressing reflections. So I decided to start a blog just for those depressing ramblings, complete with the dead baby mama links and all that. I'm hoping it will give me a place to purge all that grief out of me in a private place and leave more room for the happiness to take grief's place. Also, I realized how uncomfortable it must be for those friends who are pregnant to always be reading about my loss and how it could cause more worry and grief than what they need. I've exported many of the depressing miscarriage posts, and deleted them from here so if you look back and notice some missing, that's why. So I started another blog, just for me, though it is still publicly published.

The toy purge

This is the boys' rooms before I cleaned, sorted, and purged all the crappy, broken toys.

This is after the purge. Nice and organized huh!

Colten's gone until tomorrow so I took time to sort, organize, and toss the toys. More age appropriate toys were moved into Carson's room and he is loving that. He is so into reading books and now he has a full bookshelf. The toughest thing? Carson was so excited to rediscover all his favorites, and of course pull them out and play with them.

Later, while fixing dinner, Carson was running around the kitchen and would all of a sudden "crash" and cautiously fall. This is him after he crashed. The cutest part is that when he falls down he tells the world, "I crashed!". It's adorable to hear.

A really good Christmas and Boxing day!

Yesterday was a really good day. Not just because it was Christmas, but because we made it a good day. Tony and I got to sleep in and actually had to wake up both the boys. Colten was thrilled with his presents. He got a "Cars" video game and this rescue helicopter. You know it's a good gift when they carry it around the house and talk about it as if it is alive.

Carson took a few minutes to get into the whole opening presents mode. He was so sleepy and refused to nap at all. "Santa" brought him a really neat large vehicles book and he still won't put it down. He keeps pointing to the pictures and repeating the names of all the trucks and construction equipment in it. He also got a talking BBQ that is really cute, but scares him, a noisy "Little People" firetruck, and some John Deere tractors.

Though it was a lean year for presents at our house, we got spoiled by everyone else. After breakfast we headed to town to visit Tony's grandparents. There were presents from them, but also from my MIL and SIL there for the boys. It was great to visit with the "Greats" and see how they were doing. Then we headed out to my mom's. We opened even more presents there and even got the wireless networker (for our lousy desktop) and a printer/scanner/copier. I was thrilled to get them, but the best gifts were the homemade ones. My dad made me this treasures box on his scroll saw. It looks like leaves and is made from ash with black walnut handles.

He also made each of the boys a crane, complete with wheels and buckets. They love playing with them and moving their blocks and Lincoln Logs around in them.

After visiting with the family and friends, stuffing ourselves with Jackie's (bro's girlfriend) crabcakes and prime rib, we rounded up our overstimulated boys and headed home. They crashed hard last night and managed to sleep in a little this morning.

Today was another good day. I got the Jeep unloaded and all gifts put away. The boys were well behaved, other than Colten throwing a tantrum. I got to visit with my brother and his girlfriend a little, and ice skated on the trampoline. Ok, not really ice skating, but I did get a good workout shoveling all the snow off the tramp. Why would I need to do that you ask? Well, with 18+ inches of snow now melting on the trampoline, all the water would run into the center and refreeze into ice. The middle was getting heavier with more snow melting. We were afraid it would stretch out the tramp and ruin it. So I got out the small shovel and got to work. It was tough to stand on and was really like ice skating on a bouncy surface. Colten could hardly stand up, but had a great time falling down.

Tony had to work today and is gone quadding in the snow with friends tonight. Tomorrow Colten is going to visit the great-grandparents from my side of the family and will be gone for several days. My parents only wanted to take him because they were thinking that Carson would be too many tantrums, but Colten's been giving attitude all vacation long. It'd be nice if they took both boys because I know everyone would like to see both, but one is fine with me. I'll have plenty of time to sort through the piles of broken toys in Colten's room and dispose of them before he gets back.

It is interesting watching all the snow melt at our house. Our main roads have been plowed, even the main road in the development, but my side road and driveway are still sheets of ice. It is scary going up and down them. You've seen the pictures of the snow on our patio table, well, here's a picture of it sliding off. It hasn't fallen yet, but with the warm temps and strong winds, I'll be surprised to see it tomorrow.

I am so lucky to have a school district that invests in getting teachers quality laptops, and encourages them to use the snot out of them, for everything (appropriate that is). My desktop computer at home works, but it is pathetic compared to my school laptop. I tried to hook-up the printer and install the driver for it, but my computer doesn't have enough memory to do that! I was also ticked because Lexmark doesn't include the USB cable to connect the printer to your computer! Now I have to go buy more memory AND get a cable just to get the darn thing to work. I got the wireless networker to work though. It took a long time on hold on the phone and then talking to a nice guy with a very strong Indian accent, but it is working, and nice and fast too. Tony will be happy with that. He will no longer need me to log on to my laptop for him to surf the web.

My biggest gripe today (other than technology problems) was that I was COLD all day. I even turned the heat up to 66, but am still cold. I've been drinking hot tea, wearing layers, and even putting my clothes in the dryer to heat them up. I currently have the cats warming my feet for me, but am still chilly. I don't know if it is the wet rain that is making it feel cold after all the dry, cold snow, but whatever it is it needs to stop. I'm still waiting on a propane delivery and don't need a hot house with me still shivering in it!

I'm hoping that these last few days are the start of a streak of good days for me. I really want to beat this depression back and hit it hard. I don't need to feel down again until March and my would be due date roll around.

Chilly's cousin Bubba

Chilly decided to head south, way south, and fell off the pump house yesterday. The trip was tragic, and left him in several soggy shattered pieces. So sad, but his cousin "Bubba" has decided to take over where "Chilly" left off. Though not as large as Chilly, Bubba shows potential. I think the current warming trend might cause problems for Bubba though. I'd take a picture of "Bubba" to show you, but it is snowing too heavy outside to see clearly and I'm not trekking outside for a picture of an icicle.

Thwarted again!

I had plans to go to Christmas Eve service tonight, you know, the 7:00 candlelight service that was after Tony gets off work! But NO, I just got the email from church saying that due to inclement weather they are canceling that service but keeping the 5:00 one, but Tony gets off work at 5:00. So have I been to church all month? No, but I do keep trying, really I do. It's just this lousy weather that keeps messing up my plans. Hopefully the roads will be better by this next Sunday so I can attend the service then. I really like the advent services though! The candles, songs, readings, they always touch me in a way most other services don't. They bring me hope, usually.

This year, I don't know how they would have moved me. I've avoided the "bellies" at church for quite a while and I'm sure the combination of the "bellies" and a baby-centered holiday would have struck some sensitive cord in me.

I've come to realize that grief isn't just a difficult journey, it is a huge pit to climb out of, and every now and then a rock falls and smacks you in the face causing you to temporarily lose your grip. I lost my grip last weekend. I'm blaming the hormones and the holiday, but those are just excuses. I'm sure I'll lose my grip again some time in the future. Most likely on my due date and next October. All I can say is that even though I lost it for a few days, I'm stronger now and climbing even faster. My biggest worry is how deep the pit of grief is for me, and how long it will take to finish the climb.

Chilly the Icicle

You see it? That big one, right in the middle about three feet long? Well, that is our pet icicle! Can you tell I'm tired of being snowbound already! Alicia- Your boy could really do some damage with that one! I told Colten I wanted to name it and suggested George, but Colten being himself and five suggested we name it "icicle" because we didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. So we compromised and settled on "Chilly". With the warming trend "Chilly" has lots of friends hanging around, but we will see how long they all last. With more snow expected tonight it will make life here at home even more boring.

In other news, Tony took the Jeep in to the mechanic today. Our mechanic determined that it was the differential (whatever that is) and that he would like us to bring it back next week when he can be sure to get parts delivered (he can't get them now because of the bad roads). I don't know how much it will cost, but it doesn't sound cheap.

Our cat also peed on the bathroom rug, the exact same spot it pooed the other night. Thank goodness the rugs are old and washable, but the kitties are now stuck outside or in the garage. No more nice mommy! Colten is upset with me because I declared it a TV free day at 8 am this morning. Yesterday we (mostly he) watched lots of TV and played the Xbox for quite a while. Today I decided I didn't want to repeat that. The TV was on only for me to get in a good workout video (trying to stay warm in the cool house), but Colten is still pestering me, and his brother. We've had more meltdowns today than all the previous days. We've played lots of games and pulled out toys that both boys like, but still he has to bother and pester Carson. He's spent more time on the stairs in time out than playing.

The dogs took off again! I can tell which direction they went by the lack of tracks in the snow, but I only let them out for a few (ok, 10) minutes and then next thing I knew, they were gone. Oh, and last thing, my parents made it out of Chicago and to Kansas City, and hope to fly in late tonight. Biggest problem for them, their luggage is still at O'Hare airport and they don't know when it will get here, or what will happen with the cooler full of 50 pounds of venison my brother got hunting in NY. At least most of those luggage storage places are unheated, so being stuck in Chicago will keep it well frozen. My folks worry most about what happens when it gets here!

Why I don't like snow!

I've decided I really don't like snow, at least not this much, and that is saying something since I am a teacher and am usually cheering on the snow mania in my classroom each winter. But I don't like this much stuff. It is still coming down, we got another three inches last night. Yes, that means I have more than 18 inches of snow at my house.

That means our propane delivery won't be showing up anytime soon, and my tank is just about empty. How do I combat this lack of propane you might ask? Well, I've discovered ways to make 63 degrees feel like 72 degrees inside. Many of them are time consuming and laborious, but it's not like I don't have enough time on my hands being snowbound with children. Ways to make your house feel warmer:
1.Do a really vigorous kick boxing work out and you'll soon be wanting to open the windows to cool off
2. Go outside and play in the cold wet snow- coming in to a warm, but not toasty house feels like entering the tropics
3. Give your house a deep, thorough cleaning. It works similar to the workout, but has the added benefit of getting a clean house
4. Cook something that uses the oven and makes the house smell warm and cozy
5. Keep the laundry and the dishes (which you've accumulated many with the previous workouts, trips in the snow, and cooking) going throughout the day
6. Cuddle up with a book, a blanket, and a mug of hot cider/chocolate/tea and watch the snowfall

Why else would I not like snow right now? Well, the snow is keeping my parents stuck in Chicago at the airport, unable to get home. The earliest they will get home now is late tomorrow night. They didn't even get their luggage, but at least they did get one of the last hotel rooms. Talking with my mom, we've decided we will have an after-Christmas present opening because neither of us have finished all our shopping, and most likely won't.

The snow is also causing such driving problems that our family likely won't go to the church service on Christmas Eve. I love the candlelight service each year and will miss it. I've missed lots of church these last few weeks with all the snow and gingerbread weekend, and had really looked forward to this special service with all the songs and lights. I've missed singing all the Christmas carols in church this month. It's just not the same singing along with the radio or your kids.

The bad roads are why we can barely get up and down our driveway. It is really irritating to feel the jeep slipping and sliding back down our hill. We put the jeep in 4 wheel drive (for the first time ever in its life) and tried to get up the hill Saturday night. We eventually got up it, but also heard the tires spin and a "clunk" which did not sound good. Today Tony was driving it into work and said that something was making a clicking sound when he accelerated. It will most likely be the drive train (whatever that is) and be expensive to fix, because when has a car repair ever been cheap. So now I get to worry about how to budget that repair in. We were planning to keep my Honda running and knew that would cost money, but I never expected to need to repair our "new" car with only 6000 miles on it. Just another reason not to like snow!

Just watching..

...my icicles grow by the inch

...it snow faster and with bigger flakes

...my husband try to keep up with me during a kick boxing workout video

...well, visualizing my butt getting smaller from all the squats and my flabby tummy flattening while I sweat

Ramblins of a snow bound mother

Yes I am snowbound. Even our new jeep with all the bad weather bells and whistles barely made it up our hill last night. As you can tell, we have well over a foot of snow and it is even more scary with the layer of frozen rain on top. Even the dogs won't go beyond our stoop right outside the slider door. The birds are enjoying the bird feeder I put out before the snow really started. We've seen up to six birds vying for space at the feeder.

There is a big fire pit buried somewhere out on this patio. You can barely see a faint circle in the background that shows where it is hidden.

This is my creative act for the day, well it was really Colten's idea. He found a picture of kitty pancakes in one of his wildlife magazines and wanted to make it this morning for breakfast. I made it, but he enjoyed it. It was a good way to start the day when daddy was sleeping in.

Since I'm snowbound and not planning to venture outside, I'm trying to keep from just sitting and being lazy inside. I've found that just makes me crankier. So the list: wash and fold the boy's laundry, dismantle and put away the high chair (Carson won't even go near it anymore), clean all the baby food related things out of my cupboards, since I won't need them anytime soon, wrap the few presents I have gotten, and start the task of cleaning out the boy's toys. This is a messy task, but it needs to be done. We've got too many broken toys or ones with lost parts. I also need to go through the toys and books and sort out the ones that are more Carson appropriate and which one's are Colten appropriate. I'm also planning to workout too and hope the boys will work off some energy with me.

In other news: we finally sold our truck. We have one less vehicle now! We sold it in the middle of a snowstorm, for quite a bit less than we wanted, but we needed to get it sold. Stranger still, we sold it to a guy named Buddy Silly, from Seattle. Sounds fishy? Yeah, we thought so too, but his cash was green and real. Now we just have to somehow get into town tomorrow and pay for the title transfer, so if Buddy wrecks in this snow, we're not on the title. Only one more vehicle to sell now.

If only my children would stop their fussing now, it might be a great day.

How much do you have?

That's the questions that everyone's been asking these days. How much snow do you have? Well, I have at least 10 inches. For some reason it just decided to dump the snow on me. I have a foot tall fire ring in our patio, and you can barely see the outline of the ring with all the snow. Some of you might wonder how schools could be closed with only a few inches of snow, but the outlying areas where I live got it bad. You know it's bad when the snow is scraping the bottom of your SUV when you drive down the drive.

Here are my boys checking out the fast and furious snowfall!

I've also got foot long icicles hanging from the shop and pump house rooves.

Here's Colten plowing his "ice road"!

You know the snow is deep when it's deeper than the little boy boots!

Sara is a snow dog. The more snow, the wilder she gets.

Buddy doesn't care for the snow!

More snow is expected tomorrow, with wind. Hopefully we will keep our power on and the propane will last a few more days. If it runs out, then we're stuck using a small tank and filling it up every other day. What a pain!

A snow day for me and the kids!

I got the text messages at 5:00 am this morning- school was closed for my district and Colten's! I didn't really want a snow day because we have to make it up in June, but I was at school until 9:00 last night for our 6th grade project open house, so a day off after is fine with me now. I'm exhausted after working so hard these last few weeks to get things ready for last night.
If the wind wasn't blowing the snow so bad I'd also have pictures of us all playing in the snow. It continues to come down, but the wind blows it up into tornadoes of white. Even the trees don't have snow on them because of the wind. I can't really tell how deep the snow is because it keeps getting blown off the patio.
I'm not going anywhere and plan to stick around here all day. My biggest worry is what happens when we run out of propane for the furnace! Our delivery was supposed to be today, but I'm sure it's canceled and I don't know when our road will thaw out enough for the truck to get up our hill. Hopefully it will make it Friday to fill, or we will be really chilly here at home!

A tree and some snow!

Here is Colten playing in the snow that came down on Sunday. He says he's plowing a road.

Here's the guys picking out their tree.
Carson, Mr. Helper, was pretending to cut down a neighboring tree with the saw guard.

This the angel I got for the baby we lost. It is blown glass and the angel is holding a red heart. Tony and the boys haven't asked what it is for. I'll tell them when they ask, right now Tony doesn't really want to talk about it.

Here is our leaning tree with lights, but no ornaments left.

Shh! Mommy's Sleeping..

so let's...

-wake up really early and get Daddy up.

-run up and down the stairs and throw a screaming temper tantrum about breakfast

-let the kitties into Mommy's room so they can jump on her bed and cuddle with her

-run and scream as loud as we can upstairs

-turn on the lights and see if Mommy is still sleeping

Why do I think I might actually be able to sleep in some mornings instead of giving up and reading my book?

Late night or early morning?????

1:05 AM- "Mommy?" *sob*

"Huh?"

"Mommy" *sob* "I pottied my bed" *sob*

So I get up, change the sheets and jammies, discuss why we go potty BEFORE bedtime, and back in bed at 1:25, wide awake.

Then I use my then awake self to wake up my husband:) He didn't mind at all.

Who dressed this kid?

Yes, that is a forest green shirt, with army green pants, and if you look close, light lime green socks. They are all green, but do they match?? This is what happens when life gets busy and I don't set out clothes for my children each night!! One week left of the madness, then two weeks off! The only thing that would make it better is SNOW this weekend!! I'm hoping!

Two Months

It has been two months today since my miscarriage. I decided I'm going to get an angel ornament for our tree this year. It will be that baby's ornament so we will always remember it at this time of year.I'm sitting here wondering when the hole in my heart will get smaller, when I'll stop wishing for a baby, when will I feel "Great" not just good or okay. I'd be 28 weeks along now if the baby had survived. I'd be feeling all the kicks and movement. Instead I'm still on my period and feeling the bloat. Gotta love mother nature.

Gingerbread weekend!

We spent the weekend making 25 gingerbread houses at Mom's! It was a great time to visit with friends and family, but tiring. My house is done, and it is all BLUE! Colten got to decorate his own house this year and was so creative with it. Tony made one by himself as well, and made his best one ever. Great times, but I'm tired.

Colten's House

My BLUE House

Tony's House

The dam breaks...

... and the tears flow fast and furious. Lots of emotions, grief, anger, sadness, all flow out with the tears. I've heard the phrase "Tears are the grief flowing out to make room for happiness" but didn't understand it until now. Feeling better after the crying jag, probably the most I've cried in the last month.
The tears and emotions have been backing up in my mind these last few weeks. I'd start to leak and then pull everything back together until the next time. I finally let it all go last night. Feeling good, tired from being up late and looking awful, but feeling good and ready for gingerbread this weekend.

Where does it all go?

I'm frustrated, about money of all things. We've always lived on a tight budget, but you would think that if we've both gotten raises, then things should somehow be easier, right? Wrong! So, where does all that extra money from the raises go? The new car, the higher property taxes (they went up because we have a "view"), Internet connection, and cell phones. You would think we could manage to not spend as much when we get a raise, but something always seems to come up. Now my car is needing some work (new tires and brakes) and who knows what else might be needed. Some how it will all work out, hopefully soon!

On another note, my MIL is coming to visit for two weeks! Not for a friendly visit really, but because Tony's grandparents are having health problems. So we get a grandma visit for a while. It will be nice, but I hope she gets all she needs to done and still has time to relax a bit.