2008 in reflection

Today is a day for looking back at the past and forward to the future. The month January is actually named after the Roman god Janus who was two faced and able to look back at the past and forward to the future. Excellent month name to start out each new year. So here is my 2008 in reflection:

January-

• Start this blog
• Tony gets his commuter car smashed
• Buy Rodeo
• Get loan for the addition
• Nursed Carson for the last time

February-

• Start the addition and demolish the garage
• Carson turned 1!

March-

• Grandparent's 60th anniversary and family reunion

April-

• Colten turned 5!
• Tony turned 31!
• Tony's parents move up and in with us

May-

• Weekend getaway for Tony and I to Ocean Shores

June-

• Addition gets finished
• Party at the beach house
• Find out we are expecting another baby
• School's out! Summer starts
• My parents retire!

July-

• Went camping at Ft Flagler
• Colten went camping with the grandparents

August-

• Church Family camp at Camp of the Cascades
• Ultrasound showed ONE healthy baby (mom predicted twins) Due date March 6, 2009

September-

• Married 8 years!
• Em and Colten start school (Colten at SPED preschool)
• Healthy heartbeat check at 14 weeks
• Em went to Cispus outdoor school
• All family is sick with colds
• Tony get an Xbox

October-

• Em turns 30!
• Miscarry baby (started on my birthday and D&C on 10.8.08)
• Tony's parents head back to AZ
• Tony gets a new job and finally leaves Rainier
• Get new Jeep and start trying to sell the truck and Rodeo

November-

• Family roadtrip to Oregon to Prineville and Dayton to visit family

December-

• Gingerbread house party
• Huge snowstorm
• Sell the truck! (for several thousand less than we wanted, but we had to get rid of it!)

Looking back this year has had so many ups and downs, so many blessings and times of praying. Colten is becoming more interested in school each week and Carson walking and talking. So much changes in a year. If you'd asked me last year if I would be getting pregnant again I would have clearly said "NO!". Now I'd give anything to still be pregnant.

New year's is also the time for looking to the future and setting goals for that new year. My goals for the new year: lose 10 pound by March, get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy, to stay positive and not get depressed, to have more patience with my kids at home and at school. One year from today I'll have to look back and see what I've accomplished.

Just in case you are curious, the grandparents have the boys tonight and though I don't know what our plans are, Tony and I plan to be together and do something. It may just be watching movies, eating popcorn and drinking wine until midnight, but we will do something.

First time in 5 years...

...that I cleaned a bathroom! I know, sounds disgusting, but I've had a house cleaner for the last five years do it all for me. My husband would argue that I didn't clean the bathroom, but instead just cleaned the toilets and sinks. So what, I cleaned the parts that were the dirtiest and bothering me the most. I didn't even attempt to clean the boys' bathroom upstairs. Both big boys use the toilet frequently and it terrifies me. The sinks are used by little ones and are smeared with all kinds of scary substances.

Why did I clean you ask? Well, our house cleaner was supposed to clean last week but was stuck in her house with the snow like I was. She said that she would try to make it this week, but that it was unlikely because she had a busy schedule and was trying to fit in the make-ups when she could. So the next time she'll be here is next Wednesday. I just couldn't be at home another five days and see our master bathroom in the state it was in. So I cleaned it, and the guest bath downstairs.

You may ask, why do you have a house cleaner if money is tight? Isn't that a luxury? Well, yes it is a luxury to us, but it is also a marriage saver. When Tony and I were first married the biggest arguments were over money and cleaning the house. We had brought up the topic with our marriage counselor several times those first three years we were married. Finally, after three years and with an 18 month old cruising the floors and bathrooms the counselor suggested we get a cleaner and give up one cleaning chore for each of us. Tony gave up the floors, vacuuming and mopping them, and I gave up the bathrooms. Yes money is tight, and always has been tight in our family, but it is worth the money each month to stop the arguing. No more heavy cleaning and the best days are when I come home to a clean house that smells like lavender (she uses all natural lavender oil cleaners!) I don't stress about how to clean three months worth of mess when company comes over and it is easier to keep things clean once they are clean.

The best perk, it requires us as a family to pick up our stuff every two weeks for the house cleaner. I don't think of it as "cleaning for the cleaner" but instead is picking our stuff up off the floors and putting the toys and clothes away where they go so we get our money's worth. Why pay for her to pick up just to be able to vacuum, when instead keeping the stuff out of the way and if she has time left in her 2 hours she will wipe down my counters and table, or wash a few of the dirty windows.

So do I miss her when she can't make it, YES!

A little Change

You may have noticed some changes on the blog. I decided that it was less a blog about my family and more my depressing reflections. So I decided to start a blog just for those depressing ramblings, complete with the dead baby mama links and all that. I'm hoping it will give me a place to purge all that grief out of me in a private place and leave more room for the happiness to take grief's place. Also, I realized how uncomfortable it must be for those friends who are pregnant to always be reading about my loss and how it could cause more worry and grief than what they need. I've exported many of the depressing miscarriage posts, and deleted them from here so if you look back and notice some missing, that's why. So I started another blog, just for me, though it is still publicly published.

The toy purge

This is the boys' rooms before I cleaned, sorted, and purged all the crappy, broken toys.

This is after the purge. Nice and organized huh!

Colten's gone until tomorrow so I took time to sort, organize, and toss the toys. More age appropriate toys were moved into Carson's room and he is loving that. He is so into reading books and now he has a full bookshelf. The toughest thing? Carson was so excited to rediscover all his favorites, and of course pull them out and play with them.

Later, while fixing dinner, Carson was running around the kitchen and would all of a sudden "crash" and cautiously fall. This is him after he crashed. The cutest part is that when he falls down he tells the world, "I crashed!". It's adorable to hear.

A really good Christmas and Boxing day!

Yesterday was a really good day. Not just because it was Christmas, but because we made it a good day. Tony and I got to sleep in and actually had to wake up both the boys. Colten was thrilled with his presents. He got a "Cars" video game and this rescue helicopter. You know it's a good gift when they carry it around the house and talk about it as if it is alive.

Carson took a few minutes to get into the whole opening presents mode. He was so sleepy and refused to nap at all. "Santa" brought him a really neat large vehicles book and he still won't put it down. He keeps pointing to the pictures and repeating the names of all the trucks and construction equipment in it. He also got a talking BBQ that is really cute, but scares him, a noisy "Little People" firetruck, and some John Deere tractors.

Though it was a lean year for presents at our house, we got spoiled by everyone else. After breakfast we headed to town to visit Tony's grandparents. There were presents from them, but also from my MIL and SIL there for the boys. It was great to visit with the "Greats" and see how they were doing. Then we headed out to my mom's. We opened even more presents there and even got the wireless networker (for our lousy desktop) and a printer/scanner/copier. I was thrilled to get them, but the best gifts were the homemade ones. My dad made me this treasures box on his scroll saw. It looks like leaves and is made from ash with black walnut handles.

He also made each of the boys a crane, complete with wheels and buckets. They love playing with them and moving their blocks and Lincoln Logs around in them.

After visiting with the family and friends, stuffing ourselves with Jackie's (bro's girlfriend) crabcakes and prime rib, we rounded up our overstimulated boys and headed home. They crashed hard last night and managed to sleep in a little this morning.

Today was another good day. I got the Jeep unloaded and all gifts put away. The boys were well behaved, other than Colten throwing a tantrum. I got to visit with my brother and his girlfriend a little, and ice skated on the trampoline. Ok, not really ice skating, but I did get a good workout shoveling all the snow off the tramp. Why would I need to do that you ask? Well, with 18+ inches of snow now melting on the trampoline, all the water would run into the center and refreeze into ice. The middle was getting heavier with more snow melting. We were afraid it would stretch out the tramp and ruin it. So I got out the small shovel and got to work. It was tough to stand on and was really like ice skating on a bouncy surface. Colten could hardly stand up, but had a great time falling down.

Tony had to work today and is gone quadding in the snow with friends tonight. Tomorrow Colten is going to visit the great-grandparents from my side of the family and will be gone for several days. My parents only wanted to take him because they were thinking that Carson would be too many tantrums, but Colten's been giving attitude all vacation long. It'd be nice if they took both boys because I know everyone would like to see both, but one is fine with me. I'll have plenty of time to sort through the piles of broken toys in Colten's room and dispose of them before he gets back.

It is interesting watching all the snow melt at our house. Our main roads have been plowed, even the main road in the development, but my side road and driveway are still sheets of ice. It is scary going up and down them. You've seen the pictures of the snow on our patio table, well, here's a picture of it sliding off. It hasn't fallen yet, but with the warm temps and strong winds, I'll be surprised to see it tomorrow.

I am so lucky to have a school district that invests in getting teachers quality laptops, and encourages them to use the snot out of them, for everything (appropriate that is). My desktop computer at home works, but it is pathetic compared to my school laptop. I tried to hook-up the printer and install the driver for it, but my computer doesn't have enough memory to do that! I was also ticked because Lexmark doesn't include the USB cable to connect the printer to your computer! Now I have to go buy more memory AND get a cable just to get the darn thing to work. I got the wireless networker to work though. It took a long time on hold on the phone and then talking to a nice guy with a very strong Indian accent, but it is working, and nice and fast too. Tony will be happy with that. He will no longer need me to log on to my laptop for him to surf the web.

My biggest gripe today (other than technology problems) was that I was COLD all day. I even turned the heat up to 66, but am still cold. I've been drinking hot tea, wearing layers, and even putting my clothes in the dryer to heat them up. I currently have the cats warming my feet for me, but am still chilly. I don't know if it is the wet rain that is making it feel cold after all the dry, cold snow, but whatever it is it needs to stop. I'm still waiting on a propane delivery and don't need a hot house with me still shivering in it!

I'm hoping that these last few days are the start of a streak of good days for me. I really want to beat this depression back and hit it hard. I don't need to feel down again until March and my would be due date roll around.

Chilly's cousin Bubba

Chilly decided to head south, way south, and fell off the pump house yesterday. The trip was tragic, and left him in several soggy shattered pieces. So sad, but his cousin "Bubba" has decided to take over where "Chilly" left off. Though not as large as Chilly, Bubba shows potential. I think the current warming trend might cause problems for Bubba though. I'd take a picture of "Bubba" to show you, but it is snowing too heavy outside to see clearly and I'm not trekking outside for a picture of an icicle.

Thwarted again!

I had plans to go to Christmas Eve service tonight, you know, the 7:00 candlelight service that was after Tony gets off work! But NO, I just got the email from church saying that due to inclement weather they are canceling that service but keeping the 5:00 one, but Tony gets off work at 5:00. So have I been to church all month? No, but I do keep trying, really I do. It's just this lousy weather that keeps messing up my plans. Hopefully the roads will be better by this next Sunday so I can attend the service then. I really like the advent services though! The candles, songs, readings, they always touch me in a way most other services don't. They bring me hope, usually.

This year, I don't know how they would have moved me. I've avoided the "bellies" at church for quite a while and I'm sure the combination of the "bellies" and a baby-centered holiday would have struck some sensitive cord in me.

I've come to realize that grief isn't just a difficult journey, it is a huge pit to climb out of, and every now and then a rock falls and smacks you in the face causing you to temporarily lose your grip. I lost my grip last weekend. I'm blaming the hormones and the holiday, but those are just excuses. I'm sure I'll lose my grip again some time in the future. Most likely on my due date and next October. All I can say is that even though I lost it for a few days, I'm stronger now and climbing even faster. My biggest worry is how deep the pit of grief is for me, and how long it will take to finish the climb.

Chilly the Icicle

You see it? That big one, right in the middle about three feet long? Well, that is our pet icicle! Can you tell I'm tired of being snowbound already! Alicia- Your boy could really do some damage with that one! I told Colten I wanted to name it and suggested George, but Colten being himself and five suggested we name it "icicle" because we didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. So we compromised and settled on "Chilly". With the warming trend "Chilly" has lots of friends hanging around, but we will see how long they all last. With more snow expected tonight it will make life here at home even more boring.

In other news, Tony took the Jeep in to the mechanic today. Our mechanic determined that it was the differential (whatever that is) and that he would like us to bring it back next week when he can be sure to get parts delivered (he can't get them now because of the bad roads). I don't know how much it will cost, but it doesn't sound cheap.

Our cat also peed on the bathroom rug, the exact same spot it pooed the other night. Thank goodness the rugs are old and washable, but the kitties are now stuck outside or in the garage. No more nice mommy! Colten is upset with me because I declared it a TV free day at 8 am this morning. Yesterday we (mostly he) watched lots of TV and played the Xbox for quite a while. Today I decided I didn't want to repeat that. The TV was on only for me to get in a good workout video (trying to stay warm in the cool house), but Colten is still pestering me, and his brother. We've had more meltdowns today than all the previous days. We've played lots of games and pulled out toys that both boys like, but still he has to bother and pester Carson. He's spent more time on the stairs in time out than playing.

The dogs took off again! I can tell which direction they went by the lack of tracks in the snow, but I only let them out for a few (ok, 10) minutes and then next thing I knew, they were gone. Oh, and last thing, my parents made it out of Chicago and to Kansas City, and hope to fly in late tonight. Biggest problem for them, their luggage is still at O'Hare airport and they don't know when it will get here, or what will happen with the cooler full of 50 pounds of venison my brother got hunting in NY. At least most of those luggage storage places are unheated, so being stuck in Chicago will keep it well frozen. My folks worry most about what happens when it gets here!

Why I don't like snow!

I've decided I really don't like snow, at least not this much, and that is saying something since I am a teacher and am usually cheering on the snow mania in my classroom each winter. But I don't like this much stuff. It is still coming down, we got another three inches last night. Yes, that means I have more than 18 inches of snow at my house.

That means our propane delivery won't be showing up anytime soon, and my tank is just about empty. How do I combat this lack of propane you might ask? Well, I've discovered ways to make 63 degrees feel like 72 degrees inside. Many of them are time consuming and laborious, but it's not like I don't have enough time on my hands being snowbound with children. Ways to make your house feel warmer:
1.Do a really vigorous kick boxing work out and you'll soon be wanting to open the windows to cool off
2. Go outside and play in the cold wet snow- coming in to a warm, but not toasty house feels like entering the tropics
3. Give your house a deep, thorough cleaning. It works similar to the workout, but has the added benefit of getting a clean house
4. Cook something that uses the oven and makes the house smell warm and cozy
5. Keep the laundry and the dishes (which you've accumulated many with the previous workouts, trips in the snow, and cooking) going throughout the day
6. Cuddle up with a book, a blanket, and a mug of hot cider/chocolate/tea and watch the snowfall

Why else would I not like snow right now? Well, the snow is keeping my parents stuck in Chicago at the airport, unable to get home. The earliest they will get home now is late tomorrow night. They didn't even get their luggage, but at least they did get one of the last hotel rooms. Talking with my mom, we've decided we will have an after-Christmas present opening because neither of us have finished all our shopping, and most likely won't.

The snow is also causing such driving problems that our family likely won't go to the church service on Christmas Eve. I love the candlelight service each year and will miss it. I've missed lots of church these last few weeks with all the snow and gingerbread weekend, and had really looked forward to this special service with all the songs and lights. I've missed singing all the Christmas carols in church this month. It's just not the same singing along with the radio or your kids.

The bad roads are why we can barely get up and down our driveway. It is really irritating to feel the jeep slipping and sliding back down our hill. We put the jeep in 4 wheel drive (for the first time ever in its life) and tried to get up the hill Saturday night. We eventually got up it, but also heard the tires spin and a "clunk" which did not sound good. Today Tony was driving it into work and said that something was making a clicking sound when he accelerated. It will most likely be the drive train (whatever that is) and be expensive to fix, because when has a car repair ever been cheap. So now I get to worry about how to budget that repair in. We were planning to keep my Honda running and knew that would cost money, but I never expected to need to repair our "new" car with only 6000 miles on it. Just another reason not to like snow!

Just watching..

...my icicles grow by the inch

...it snow faster and with bigger flakes

...my husband try to keep up with me during a kick boxing workout video

...well, visualizing my butt getting smaller from all the squats and my flabby tummy flattening while I sweat

Ramblins of a snow bound mother

Yes I am snowbound. Even our new jeep with all the bad weather bells and whistles barely made it up our hill last night. As you can tell, we have well over a foot of snow and it is even more scary with the layer of frozen rain on top. Even the dogs won't go beyond our stoop right outside the slider door. The birds are enjoying the bird feeder I put out before the snow really started. We've seen up to six birds vying for space at the feeder.

There is a big fire pit buried somewhere out on this patio. You can barely see a faint circle in the background that shows where it is hidden.

This is my creative act for the day, well it was really Colten's idea. He found a picture of kitty pancakes in one of his wildlife magazines and wanted to make it this morning for breakfast. I made it, but he enjoyed it. It was a good way to start the day when daddy was sleeping in.

Since I'm snowbound and not planning to venture outside, I'm trying to keep from just sitting and being lazy inside. I've found that just makes me crankier. So the list: wash and fold the boy's laundry, dismantle and put away the high chair (Carson won't even go near it anymore), clean all the baby food related things out of my cupboards, since I won't need them anytime soon, wrap the few presents I have gotten, and start the task of cleaning out the boy's toys. This is a messy task, but it needs to be done. We've got too many broken toys or ones with lost parts. I also need to go through the toys and books and sort out the ones that are more Carson appropriate and which one's are Colten appropriate. I'm also planning to workout too and hope the boys will work off some energy with me.

In other news: we finally sold our truck. We have one less vehicle now! We sold it in the middle of a snowstorm, for quite a bit less than we wanted, but we needed to get it sold. Stranger still, we sold it to a guy named Buddy Silly, from Seattle. Sounds fishy? Yeah, we thought so too, but his cash was green and real. Now we just have to somehow get into town tomorrow and pay for the title transfer, so if Buddy wrecks in this snow, we're not on the title. Only one more vehicle to sell now.

If only my children would stop their fussing now, it might be a great day.

How much do you have?

That's the questions that everyone's been asking these days. How much snow do you have? Well, I have at least 10 inches. For some reason it just decided to dump the snow on me. I have a foot tall fire ring in our patio, and you can barely see the outline of the ring with all the snow. Some of you might wonder how schools could be closed with only a few inches of snow, but the outlying areas where I live got it bad. You know it's bad when the snow is scraping the bottom of your SUV when you drive down the drive.

Here are my boys checking out the fast and furious snowfall!

I've also got foot long icicles hanging from the shop and pump house rooves.

Here's Colten plowing his "ice road"!

You know the snow is deep when it's deeper than the little boy boots!

Sara is a snow dog. The more snow, the wilder she gets.

Buddy doesn't care for the snow!

More snow is expected tomorrow, with wind. Hopefully we will keep our power on and the propane will last a few more days. If it runs out, then we're stuck using a small tank and filling it up every other day. What a pain!

A snow day for me and the kids!

I got the text messages at 5:00 am this morning- school was closed for my district and Colten's! I didn't really want a snow day because we have to make it up in June, but I was at school until 9:00 last night for our 6th grade project open house, so a day off after is fine with me now. I'm exhausted after working so hard these last few weeks to get things ready for last night.
If the wind wasn't blowing the snow so bad I'd also have pictures of us all playing in the snow. It continues to come down, but the wind blows it up into tornadoes of white. Even the trees don't have snow on them because of the wind. I can't really tell how deep the snow is because it keeps getting blown off the patio.
I'm not going anywhere and plan to stick around here all day. My biggest worry is what happens when we run out of propane for the furnace! Our delivery was supposed to be today, but I'm sure it's canceled and I don't know when our road will thaw out enough for the truck to get up our hill. Hopefully it will make it Friday to fill, or we will be really chilly here at home!

A tree and some snow!

Here is Colten playing in the snow that came down on Sunday. He says he's plowing a road.

Here's the guys picking out their tree.
Carson, Mr. Helper, was pretending to cut down a neighboring tree with the saw guard.

This the angel I got for the baby we lost. It is blown glass and the angel is holding a red heart. Tony and the boys haven't asked what it is for. I'll tell them when they ask, right now Tony doesn't really want to talk about it.

Here is our leaning tree with lights, but no ornaments left.

Shh! Mommy's Sleeping..

so let's...

-wake up really early and get Daddy up.

-run up and down the stairs and throw a screaming temper tantrum about breakfast

-let the kitties into Mommy's room so they can jump on her bed and cuddle with her

-run and scream as loud as we can upstairs

-turn on the lights and see if Mommy is still sleeping

Why do I think I might actually be able to sleep in some mornings instead of giving up and reading my book?

Late night or early morning?????

1:05 AM- "Mommy?" *sob*

"Huh?"

"Mommy" *sob* "I pottied my bed" *sob*

So I get up, change the sheets and jammies, discuss why we go potty BEFORE bedtime, and back in bed at 1:25, wide awake.

Then I use my then awake self to wake up my husband:) He didn't mind at all.

Who dressed this kid?

Yes, that is a forest green shirt, with army green pants, and if you look close, light lime green socks. They are all green, but do they match?? This is what happens when life gets busy and I don't set out clothes for my children each night!! One week left of the madness, then two weeks off! The only thing that would make it better is SNOW this weekend!! I'm hoping!

Two Months

It has been two months today since my miscarriage. I decided I'm going to get an angel ornament for our tree this year. It will be that baby's ornament so we will always remember it at this time of year.I'm sitting here wondering when the hole in my heart will get smaller, when I'll stop wishing for a baby, when will I feel "Great" not just good or okay. I'd be 28 weeks along now if the baby had survived. I'd be feeling all the kicks and movement. Instead I'm still on my period and feeling the bloat. Gotta love mother nature.

Gingerbread weekend!

We spent the weekend making 25 gingerbread houses at Mom's! It was a great time to visit with friends and family, but tiring. My house is done, and it is all BLUE! Colten got to decorate his own house this year and was so creative with it. Tony made one by himself as well, and made his best one ever. Great times, but I'm tired.

Colten's House

My BLUE House

Tony's House

The dam breaks...

... and the tears flow fast and furious. Lots of emotions, grief, anger, sadness, all flow out with the tears. I've heard the phrase "Tears are the grief flowing out to make room for happiness" but didn't understand it until now. Feeling better after the crying jag, probably the most I've cried in the last month.
The tears and emotions have been backing up in my mind these last few weeks. I'd start to leak and then pull everything back together until the next time. I finally let it all go last night. Feeling good, tired from being up late and looking awful, but feeling good and ready for gingerbread this weekend.

Where does it all go?

I'm frustrated, about money of all things. We've always lived on a tight budget, but you would think that if we've both gotten raises, then things should somehow be easier, right? Wrong! So, where does all that extra money from the raises go? The new car, the higher property taxes (they went up because we have a "view"), Internet connection, and cell phones. You would think we could manage to not spend as much when we get a raise, but something always seems to come up. Now my car is needing some work (new tires and brakes) and who knows what else might be needed. Some how it will all work out, hopefully soon!

On another note, my MIL is coming to visit for two weeks! Not for a friendly visit really, but because Tony's grandparents are having health problems. So we get a grandma visit for a while. It will be nice, but I hope she gets all she needs to done and still has time to relax a bit.

Hitting a wall and a pity party for one

Here I sit, all alone tonight, wondering what on earth the psycho hormone fairy hit me with today. I've had normal PMS type symptoms today, but the tears also won't stop. Tony and I were able to go shopping for gifts and enjoy a dinner out tonight, but on the way to the mall I start tearing up over some stupid Christmas song. Not that I hadn't heard it before, and it wasn't even specifically about pregnancy or new baby like some songs are. I managed to keep it together and don't even know if Tony noticed I was crying.
I was fine through the mall and the pregnant waitress at the restaurant. But when we went to Target, it was rough. Seeing all the new baby stuff, even though I avoided that area, and passing the maternity clothes, it all made me think back two years to the same night of shopping (it's becoming a yearly thing) but being 7 months pregnant with Carson. I remembered cooing and looking at all the baby stuff and debating with Tony about if it was a boy or a girl. Toys "R" us was just as bad.

Then standing there in the checkout line I was looking at one of those tabloid magazines and saw that the country singer Brad Paisley and his wife are expecting again in April. I point it out to Tony and he says that she was pregnant on the country music awards show and I should know that. It is a celebrity for goodness sake, but I'm upset by it. I was pregnant the same time the couple was last time, and was expecting this, but not ready for my reaction. Why am I so stupid about these things???

Thinking back, Thanksgiving was nice and simple this year. Sadly, while I'm appreciative of the many blessings I have, I'm not as thankful as I know I should be this year. I keep thinking back to when I first discovered I was pregnant and how I was wishing the timing were different and how could it have happened. I think back to how happy I was that I would have more time to potty train Carson and he would have more time in his crib. I know that my baby was really messed up and is probably better off being an angel now instead of having a short time here, but I can't be thankful that I'm not pregnant now, when I would be so thankful if I were 6 months pregnant. I had just started looking forward and really wanting to bond with this baby, and then it was gone.

And so I sit at home, with my husband gone to a party and my kids at their grandma's for the night, wishing I had some wine or tasty drink so I could blunk (drunk blogging) my feelings out instead of feeling this hole inside of me. If Thanksgiving was this bad, what will Christmas be like? And there's church to face in the morning.

Gingerbread Update

9 houses made
9 more to go
3 hours of baking so far
much easier without my children "helping" me

The Chaos Starts

The holidays have officially started. Not because Thanksgiving has passed, but because it is gingerbread time at my house. I've started our annual race to bake 20 gingerbread houses before next weekend. Thankfully this year everyone seems really busy so we only have 20 houses to make. The past few years have been crazy with up to 45 houses to make in one weekend!
I enjoy baking the gingerbread and the house smells so yummy, just like Christmas. I've got two little helpers who want their hands in everything, but can really do nothing to help. Frustrating for all people all around. I've gotten the first 5 houses done, and plan to do more tonight. It is physically exhausting to roll out the dough. The dough is do stretchy, and needs to be a very thin 1/4 in layer, my hands and arms are getting their workout. I know once they start shaking, put the stuff away and take a break.

We had pork chops last night for Thanksgiving dinner. It was kind of nice not having to cook and rush places. Tonight our family is going to visit Jenny and her family. I'm only needing to make mashed potatoes and a green salad. So easy for me.

kicking kaffeine!

I decided yesterday to give up caffeine, again. I've never been a big coffee drinker but with all the stress of the last four months I've been having a Chai tea or diet Dr. Pepper each work morning. I kept telling myself I'd quit sometime and that day was yesterday. I also rationalized that I only allowed myself one drink of tea or pop per day, and never after lunch. It hit me over the weekend how expensive this habit of mine was. The pop wasn't that expensive because I buy the big pack, but I was tired of feeling like I had to have something, not just wanting to. So I quit. It's been ok so far. No major headaches or anything, but I've noticed I sleep better. I'm tired and ready to sleep at night, but I sleep all night through. No waking up at 2 am with my brain over analyzing each thing to do the next day. The sleep is good because with trying to lose weight I've given up my before bed snack and have been eating smaller portions for meals during the day. That means that if I do wake up at night I am starving so much I can't get back to sleep without getting up and eating something. This no caffeine thing could just be better for my health and not just my wallet.

My days this week are some of the best since the miscarriage. I'm motivated, working hard, and getting work done, not just doing mindless things but not really working. I've needed to get stuff done because report cards go out Tuesday. I have only one last batch of papers to grade this weekend and then just entering the grades and comments on the report cards. The next round of my pet project reward program starts up again on Monday so I'm stressing to get all the paper work ready to print and copy that morning.

I still think about my baby daily, and still cry at small things, but the hurt and anger are fading slowly. Tony and I are keeping it simple this year for Thanksgiving and are celebrating with friends on Friday. I'm hoping to write Christmas cards this weekend and get gardening done also. I'm still anxious about going to church on Sunday, but I think I'll be nervous about that for a while. I shouldn't be nervous, but that is the place I am most anxious about going, not pregnant. Strange, but at least it's not the grocery store or mall, then I'd never eat or shop.

Two steps forward, one step back

Most days now are good. I'm slowly becoming the nice loving mommy and wife that disappeared five months ago. I'm a better teacher and friend too. But some days are still so hard. Last night and this morning were very teary and tough.

Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine who is 21 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her, she's lost two babies before, but I can't help but wish we were pregnant together still. I remember talking this summer about how much fun it would be to have a "friend" for my baby, and how we were both wanting girls (she has 3 boys). We also talked about how these were both surprise pregnancies for us. Now my friend has my old maternity clothes and is feeling her baby move and squirm, and mine is dead and at a bio hazard waste site. I'm happy for my friend, I am, but it was difficult to hear her talking about how she was feeling. I was the one asking questions about her pregnancy so it was my own fault.

I survived my first day back at church since I lost the baby. I was there one day in October, but was working in the nursery, not in the congregation. Today was my lucky day, mostly. There was only one pregnant gal in church and she sat on the other side of the room. I didn't even notice her until the service was almost over. People who knew of our loss were happy to see us and happy we were healthy. The hardest part was when the service was over. I passed all these people who had known I was pregnant, but I hadn't talked to in weeks. I looked at them, but didn't stop to say hi or chat. The new babies and bellies were out and about after service also. I just wanted to get home, quickly.

Tony thinks that I should be over these feelings towards pregnant women by now, and that if I'm not, then I need mental help. I don't know when I'll stop feeling jealous of babies and bellies. I can't say when I'll be over it. Just being me, I suspect it will be closer to spring, when my due date was and when I can look forward to getting pregnant again.

Right now I'm trying to keep myself from wallowing in grief and getting down. I've realized it can happen so quick and easy. It is so tough to force myself to get up and do something, anything active. I've decided I'd like to lose 10 pounds, 15 would be better. I'm determined to start doing yoga each morning before I go to work, and still do a cardio workout several days a week. That's a start.

The other tough part is the food I eat. Holidays are the worst time for me to stick to a healthy diet. If I can stick it out (mostly) this year, I'll be better off for the rest of winter. I've noticed that the worse I eat, the more depressed I get, so I'm sticking to the homemade food, and shunning the sweets and ice cream. Chocolate is one thing I am willing to give in to though, so some small Dove Promises satisfy my daily craving.

Today I pulled weeds and labeled plants in my flowerbed for a workout. I've always put off whacking the old dead plants and weeding around them until the spring. This last spring I was weeding and wound up pulling up some of my spring bulbs! That motivated me to label all my plants, because lots of my bulbs are starting to sprout now. It sure looks better than it did and hopefully it will result in fewer weeds in the spring and summer. Tony did notice that I started with the side of the house that no one sees, and the front beds are still a mess. I plan to attack those next weekend since I'm sticking around for the weekend.

All normal, kinda

My tests came back all normal. Now I get to sit and wait until I feel normal again. Who knows how long that will take. Tony's got the tummy bug now, but everyone else in the house is healthy, at least for today. Carson's cut all his eye-teeth, so now he has no excuse for being such a crab. If only his clock had reset at daylight savings time, then maybe we could sleep in longer than 5:30 am!

More answers, more questions

I went to the doctor today, again, about the spotting problem. She was really great about looking at my charts and listening to every possibility for why I'm still spotting. She said that she doesn't think I have an infection because I'm not tender or sore at all. She also doesn't think I have any retained materials that the D &C may have missed. She did have my blood drawn to test for thyroid problems and for other hormone levels. If those are a problem, then we have answers and medicine to fix them. After learning how stressed out my body has been the last few weeks between sick children, being sick myself, and work, she said my body might be taking longer to "reset" because of that stress. Hopefully my family will be healthy for a while and I'll magically get grades done fast for report cards next week.
My doc also said that if the tests all come back "normal" then wait a few more weeks and see if the spotting stops. If it doesn't, then she has something for me to take that will manually hit the "reset" for my body. At least there is some help at the end of all this spotting.

The answer I was hoping for I didn't get. I asked my doc about the genetic testing and if the results were back. She said they were, but that the results were that they didn't get the baby tissue to regrow to actually do karyotype testing. So now Tony and I have no answers to all the questions that have been lurking in our minds these past six weeks. We have no answer for the "WHY???" From the beginning I didn't think anything would grow. It's tough to grow tissue that's been dead for three weeks. I was hoping/dreading getting the karyotype answers though. I wanted to know what the sex of our baby was. I wanted to name it and have some finality as to why that baby died. I was dreading the results because of the possibility of it being Turner's syndrome. If it was Turner's, Tony and I would not try for another baby.
I really want another baby. Not to replace the one that died, but to complete our family. It is just a matter of time now; for my body and mind to heal, for me to open myself up to the possibility of loss again.

More Puke

So last night proved that our family is still battling illness of some sort. Just as Carson has been getting over the stomach bug, Colten began puking. He puked all night long. Tony came home from his friend's early and stayed up all night with him. It was literally all night. They were still awake every time I went upstairs to check on them. I took control of Carson at 6:30 when he woke up and sent the others to bed. Tony slept for a while and Colten slept most of the day. I was up a good part of the night because while I'm not puking, I'm still hanging out close to the toilet. If Tony wasn't keeping me up by rinsing the puke bowl out and flushing the toilet regularly, then my own need to rush to the bathroom woke me up. I did get a pretty good nap today though.
I'm bummed that I just don't have the energy to do much. I was supposed to work in the church nursery today, but called in sick. I didn't want to expose everyone there to this bug. That would be awful. I did take Carson to my mom's so it would be quiet for the big boys to sleep longer. I haven't eaten much today and don't really feel like it. I'm thinking dinner will be my FIL's turkey soup from the freezer. It will make everyone feel better. Yesterday I was so motivated to get yard work done and today I was going to alternate between yard work and correcting, but that just isn't happening. Maybe next weekend.

Where is the "reset" button???

I was just starting to think my life might somehow be getting back to normal. Good old "Aunt Flow" showed up right on time and I was excited to get my body and hormones back under my control, or so I thought! Yesterday I was is a really pissy mood all morning long, even when I was driving in to work I was fuming mad because they weren't going fast enough.
Then at lunch I went to the bathroom and saw it. Blood, more spotting, similar to when this entire mess started. So I called up my doc's office, left a detailed message for the nurse, and waited anxiously all afternoon for the return call. The nurse must not have heard the phone number I left, because she called Tony's cell (my old one) and after explaining everything to two receptionists, I finally get the nurse. My doc wasn't in yesterday, but the nurse asked all the questions and took notes of all the details I shared and went to talk to the doc who was there. I wasn't worried about getting a different doc's opinion, because the one that was there was the doc for all the high risk patients, and I really respected his opinion. I was told to watch the spotting over the weekend and made an appointment for Tuesday, during the day.
So now I get to worry about all this for the weekend, and then get to cram all my questions and impatience into one short meeting on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll be back at school in time for my 5th period class. I would have asked for a better timed appointment but my doc is booked solid for the next three weeks and the office was able to squish me in at that time. I don't want to be the whiny patient or have to wait three weeks to get answers to this problem. I do want to find out what is happening with my body and also ask my doc about if they have received the genetic testing results. It will have been almost 6 weeks on Tuesday, and I still have yet to hear back.
I just want to hit "reset" for my body to go back to the routine it has had for years, and stop the bleeding and hormone surges. It's almost like my body forgets it's not pregnant anymore and then when it realized there is no baby, it starts spotting again. I need to be level headed and feel in control of my body right now, not thinking that something is still wrong with all of this.

I was at aerobics this morning and heard from my mom about how a teacher in my old district had just lost a baby to SIDS when it was 6 weeks old. My mom and her friend were talking to me about how it was a blessing my baby died when it did and I didn't have to go through that experience. It just made me mad, that they would say things like that. I know they were trying to be supportive, but they weren't at all. Yes, I know it is better for my baby to have died when it did, because it most likely had a serious genetic flaw and wouldn't have had a great life. I know that it would be worse for me if I had gone most or all of the pregnancy and have something like that happen. I've read the stories of babies who have lived only days or weeks, and felt the pain those mom's go through. On the flip side, I think it was just insensitive to talk about my baby dying being good. What would have been good is me being 6 months pregnant now, not fighting with my body to get back to "normal".

There is a part of me that really wants to get pregnant again, soon. That's the impractical, hormonal, crazy person that sneaks out when my defenses are down. The one that's becoming glued to the blogs and boards of the dead baby mamas out there. Then I have to stop and realize that not only is my body not ready to be pregnant again, but my mind isn't either. Being a teacher I have to put some thought into when I want to have a baby. I keep going back and forth in my mind about how I could have a winter baby, but it wouldn't be as convenient as spring. I also am trying to keep in mind how pregnant I would want to be this summer and going to outdoor school next fall. I know I don't want to be hugely pregnant then, but that's as far as I'm certain about. That at least makes me hold off trying to get pregnant until this spring. Part of me prays that I can wait patiently, but another part waits for God to give me another surprise.

A little puke, anyone?

The last two days have been difficult ones in my house. Tuesday night Carson started puking up at regular intervals, starting at 1:30 a.m. I got up with him several times that night, then Tony stayed up with him, catching all the puke in clean diapers since we were down to our last pair of jammies and blankets. This last weekend Carson learned a new word, "NO", and has used it well since then. Each time I tried to get him to drink anything or had to change him it was his word of choice.

Yesterday was rough on Carson. He didn't eat anything, and only drank a little bit of milk and ibuprofen to help his fever. I was worried about the little guy. Last night I got home with the boys and was changing into my "at home" clothes when Carson started crying loudly. I was concerned and sat down on my bed to pick him up when it happened; he puked all over himself and me. I was in shock and he was upset so he walked away, puking as he went. It took a while for me to get my clothes changed (again), him changed, the floor cleaner soaking in the carpet, and all the laundry from the past 24 hours in the washer. Thankfully it was his last time puking. He went and ate a banana for dinner and chugged lots of watered down juice. I was really praying that he was over it all because I didn't want to get a sub for today. Thankfully Carson slept through the night, but woke up early for his breakfast. He must have been hungry after all that puking!

A great weekend!

This last weekend was just what our family needed. Tony and I both took Monday off from work and headed out of town to visit family for a long 4-day weekend. It was probably one of the best get-aways we've had in years. First we went to Prineville, Oregon to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin. The weather was great once we were there and the boys really liked the playground. The best part for all my boys was the trip to the John Deere store. (Those of you who have seen it, Colten's room is all John Deere) My cousin works at the store in town and they had just gotten a really big tractor delivered the day before we got there. My cousin had arranged with his boss for us to go in on Sunday when the store was closed and take the tractors there for a ride around the yard. It was great! My cousin even insisted I get up there and take that tractor for a ride!

After Prineville, we drove past my old house in Lebanon and then over to my grandparent's old place in Philomath. Then we went to my grandma's in Corvallis. There was rain the entire drive, until we got to Corvallis, then it stopped. There is a great park across the street from my grandma's so we took the boys there to run off energy after the four hour drive. The boys had the best time. Between the sandbox, twisty slide, and swings lots of energy was burned.

After the park my cousin, Kris, fixed the entire clan dinner. It was great to sit and visit with that half of the family and relax with a great meal. That night we went to visit the other grandparents in McMinnville. Tuesday morning Tony took Colten to the Evergreen Air and Space museum. It was cool for Colten to see all the planes and space ships. He even sat through the Science of Flight Imax and didn't get motion sickness!

In all it was a wonderful time to get away and relax. But it's back to work and all that now.

One Month

One month ago today our lives were changed forever; our baby was dead and the D&C was scheduled. Overall, I've done pretty good today. I've only teared up a couple times, but am allowing myself a good cry now that the kids are in bed. I've grown so much in a month, but also cried so much. I didn't think I'd still miss that baby so much, even a month later. I thought I would have the answers from the genetic testing now, but still no information.

Today was the last day of my conferences. All the meeting went well, but it was touching how many of the moms were supportive and had kind things to say. Some moms even told me how they wanted to email me after my miscarriage, but didn't know what to say and didn't want me to take it the wrong way. I've realized miscarriage, even late ones like mine, happen far more often than anyone realizes when they haven't had one. It's the club you never want to join, but when you do, everyone you know is in it, even complete strangers. I had one mom yesterday who didn't know I'd been pregnant or miscarried, but I mentioned being out from work after surgery and told her. She spilled her entire 22 week still born story out to me right there in the conference. I never wanted to experience a miscarriage, and don't want to again, but the support from other women out there is amazing. My mom couldn't really offer much to say other than, "It was meant to be..." but reading the stories of loss, grief, and happiness are so very helpful. Sad as it is, even the babylossdirectory, has been a wonderful place to go and realize that I am not alone in this, and if anything, I was fortunate to have the experience I did.

The worst thing about today is that my body decided to remind me in the worst of ways that no, I am no longer pregnant, and can't even pretend it. Good old "Aunt Flow" decided to descend upon my life, right in time for the weekend. The only good thing about this is that my body is now back to "normal" so my husband and I can start relaxing and focusing on each other now. The worst part about being "normal" is that now I need to think about not getting pregnant again right away, or ever if my husband had his choice. I need to worry about getting in better shape for spring and getting my mind back in the positive spot it needs to be. My days are getting better and my attitude is picking up, so I don't think I'm going to stay stuck in this depression.

I've been sick with a nasty cold for over a week now, and it's taken it toll on my body and mind. After a week of sucking down NyQuil to sleep and chomping cough drops, I'm ready to start getting better. I've taken Monday off, so I have a four day weekend. I was saving my personal days for maternity leave, but since I won't be using it this year, I need to use at least two of the personal days, or I lose them, without pay. So I opted for a long weekend. My students even think I really need to get away. So the family is going to eastern Oregon to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin. The weather is usually better over there, and maybe it will even snow. My aunt is Italian and a wonderful cook. I'm looking forward to all the food and relaxing I can do. I want to play with my boys and be pampered by my aunt. It should be just what I need right now.

Saturdays stink!

I've decided now that Saturdays stink! I know, it's a day off; one to sleep in, relax, hang with the family, and get chores done. The last three Saturdays have been nights of misery for me. I'm fine during the day, but for some reason at night I break down and start crying. I don't know if it's the stress of the week catching up with me or if it's being home all day with no work to distract my mind. I don't' know which it is but I want it to stop.

My husband is at a Halloween party tonight. I know he was worried about leaving me at home with the boys. I told him to go to the party. Nothing he did would change my mood and he'd been looking forward to the party for weeks. OK, I was a little cranky. Who wouldn't be being sick and coughing, and Carson had been crying for 20 minutes, the entire time he was in the bath, and refused to eat any yogurt for desert. That would drive any mommy crazy, not just me.

I get to avoid church again for the next few weeks. Call me weak, but I don't' want to go alone tomorrow. With Tony being out late tonight, I just don't think I could handle facing all the bellies and babies alone without him. Next weekend, we are getting away for a four-day weekend to visit relatives, so I won't be at church then. The next weekend is my day in the toddler nursery. That means I won't be at church until the week before Thanksgiving. Tony thinks my reasons for not going tomorrow are ridiculous. He also doesn't understand why I am just angry at pregnant people in general. I know I should be happy for those people, but I just can't stand talking and seeing those people at church.

If things don't get better in the next couple weeks, I'll head back to my doc and talk with her. I'm hoping to hear this week about the genetic testing. Part of me wants to know if something caused my baby to die, to know the sex of it to give it a name, but part of me just wants to not know, not to have to worry with Tony about it being Turner's again, just to try to move on. I just want things to get back to normal.



Now, hopefully I can take some good cold medicine and sleep well tonight. Last night I was hacking and coughing all night. Tony slept in the spare room it was so bad. Not what I needed now.

Wild Animals

No, not real animals, just my boys for Halloween! It was a great night with stops at a few friends, the fire station (climbing in the trucks and gear) and a stop at grandma's. These were my mom's only trick-or-treaters so we go every year.

Just so you know, Colten is showing how raccoons walk in this picture. If you look close you can see a little of his big poofy tail too!

A five year old question?

Yesterday, driving home with my boys, Colten asked, "Mommy, the baby is all right, isn't it?"

I'm sitting there thinking, "How do I answer this???" I ask, "Do you mean the baby that was in my tummy?"

"Yes, it's alright now?"

"Yes, it's an angel in heaven now," I answer with tears pooling in my eyes.

"What is it doing in heaven?" Colten asks.

"It's watching out for it's big brothers Colten and Carson. It is seeing what you are doing."

"Oh, okay."

Hopefully those answers satisfy his curiosity.

Cuddles and sleep

Carson is sick, again. He has a cold in combination with an eye infection, again. He didn't sleep more than an hour at a time Sunday night and napped 15 minutes yesterday. He now hates the sight of an eyedropper, and the parent administering the drops. After the doctor yesterday he decided not to eat any dinner and just fuss. I gave him a bath, then ibuprofen and Benadryl to help him sleep. He slept all night!!! I woke up several times just to make sure I didn't hear him on the monitor, but got almost 8 hours! Then Carson woke up at 5:30! He was fussy, hungry, and tired and was wearing his daddy out! So I took him. We went and rocked in the recliner and snuggled. I don't get snuggles very often, and usually only a few seconds before he's off and running again. I got 15 minutes this morning. Carson was content to put his head on my chest and pat my hand. It reminded me of the cuddles I got when I nursed him to sleep. I had to get up early for it, but it was a nice start to my day.

Couple Time

Tonight Tony and I went out for my birthday dinner. You know, the one when he can't complain about the wait, the food, or the cost. It was his present to me. We went out to the Melting Pot for dinner. I've suggested going there before but Tony's always given me some lame excuse. Tonight I find out that he has always wanted to go there, but thought it was too expensive. Well, it is expensive, but now he wants to go there again. It was nice not to worry about the cost of dinner. Some of my birthday presents were money to put towards a dinner out like tonight. So thanks, it was very needed.

Tonight was one of the few times we have been alone and awake for an extended period of time. We talked about things that made me realize how hard this miscarriage has been on him. We both wish we knew the sex of the baby and what caused this problem. We're both nervous about getting pregnant again; Tony and his fear of going through another miscarriage, me and my fear of the miscarriage being my last memories of pregnancy. We did actually talk about having another and how we felt about that. It will work out, but it was good to talk about what's been going on in our brains for the last 18 days. Even some of the tears were welcome.

One of my fears about today was going to church. Well, I didn't have to face it yet. I finally fell asleep at 1:00, and Tony being worried about me fell asleep then also. Carson, being sick again woke up at 5:00 and woke up brother! That give the parents a total of only 4 hours of sleep! One thing Tony and I do well is team work with the kids. Tony took the first hour up with the boys and fed them. I took from 6-8 and kept them quiet so he could sleep. By 8, Carson was ready to go back to sleep since I gave him meds, and I put on a movie for Colten. I was able to go back to bed and sleep until 10. Tony got up at 9:30 when the movie was over and Carson woke up and play. Later I took the boys outside to run off their energy and fixed them lunch. It wasn't a lot of sleep, or all in one stretch, but I didn't take a nap today. Carson's already been up two times tonight, just miserable, so I've given him a dose of Benadryl to help him sleep. Now I just need to turn off the brain and get some sleep, if I can.

Tomorrow is a really busy day for me at school. Like usual, I brought home hours of correcting and papers over the weekend, but didn't even open my bag. I have all that correcting to catch up on tomorrow, my pet project to launch and present yet another part to the staff at a meeting, and yearbook pictures to upload from the Fall Festival. Hopefully I'll feel great tomorrow and be an alert, organize person without too much emotional baggage from this weekend.

I don't know why.....

Add "I don't know why..." to all the following:
.... why I can't stop crying, even after two hours!

....why I can go a week without crying, and then break down just as I'm falling asleep. It's the answer I give to my husband who wants to help and make it all better, but nothing will fix how I feel right now.

....my toddler still isn't sleeping more than an hour at a time even doped up on Ibuprofen for his teeth! I need sleep kid!

.... today was the day all pregnant people were where I was. The McDonald's cashier, the parents at my school's Fall Festival, even the people on TV were all pregnant! Why now, why today!?! I should still be that pregnant today! I should be feeling uncomfortable with the kicks and heartburn and not sleeping on my stomach!!

....I want to smash and break things in anger!! Angry at who I wonder, not myself or God. Pregnant people??? Why do I feel this mad???

.... it took me two hours of crying and trying to stop to finally admit defeat and take some sleeping pills. Now I just need to stop crying by the time they take affect.

....I'm terrified of going to church tomorrow. I know why I'm terrified, but church should be a place for support and help and prayer, not a place to fear. I just don't know how I'll react to all the baby bellies there. Will I make it through, smiling and answering questions with only a few tears shed, will I hide in the bathroom and just let them gush, or will I just hide at home with my fussy, not sleeping toddler and put off all the questions and looks for another Sunday?

....I can deal with all this grief and be fine, even feel good, then have one night of misery, that seems like it will never end and I'll never feel good again.

....I am feeling this way when I should be happy! Bleeding has stopped, cycle is getting back to normal, ovulating! Why am I so down now?

....every Dead Baby Mama blog I read tonight is all about their new baby or their pregnancy after their loss and just makes me feel even crappier! I want to be happy for them, but I also want to still be pregnant! I looked to those blogs to find some help with the uncontrollable tears, and instead find more pregnant people!

....the sleeping pills haven't taken affect and I'm still upright typing, not passed out snoring. Those of you who know me well, it is unusual that I'm even still awake at this time.

I don't know why... my baby died. I should be 22 weeks pregnant right now. I just want to be back feeling those small kicks, and have them be real, not gas. I want to have an ultrasound and find out that everything is healthy and well. I just want to have a healthy baby. Why did my baby die!

Some bad, some good, some therapy!

The good: the end of the day
The Bad: the beginning of the day
The therapy: two doctor's visits, some shopping, and a massage!

Yesterday was the roughest day since I returned to work. I think it was the stress of the week and seeing my doctor's office again (the last time I was there I found out the baby had died!) I started out the morning very teary and cried at everything, even after snarling at everything including my dear husband. Went to the chiropractor; told everything is back to normal there. Went to Target and got the many items I'm too cheap to buy at the regular grocery stores because they are like half the price at Target. Then to the doctor.

I've been fortunate these last three weeks to not be seeing lots of pregnant people or new babies, but my doctor's sucked!! I thought since it was a morning appointment (10:00) that there might be fewer people there, NOT! The waiting area was packed (I see an office with 4 docs and midwife) and people were there showing off their newborns, waiting with their husbands and mothers and big bellies! I was a wreck by the time I saw my doc. My doctor was so sweet and understanding. She checked me out and told me that everything was fine. The bleeding has stopped, and I'm ovulating now so my cycle should return back to normal in two weeks she said. She asked how I was holding up and we talked about the possibility of depression. She was glad to hear about my few good days, and surprised when I told her they were the best days I'd had in months. She said if I don't get more good days like that, come visit again and she'll get me something for depression.

She said that the usual lab test results were back and everything about my pregnancy seemed normal. There was no infection or virus that caused the miscarriage. Nothing I did could have caused it either. We are still waiting on the chromosome/genetic testing, but should get a call with the results in a few weeks. Right now it looks like I'm healthy and won't have any problems getting pregnant again or having a healthy baby. Now I just need to sit back and wait until I'm mentally ready to get pregnant. I know my body is getting ready (hence the ovulating again!), but mentally I need to recover from this miscarriage.

After the doctor's I went to the mall and got my old cell phone activated so I have a phone again. Then I went shopping. I almost never go shopping. It is like a once a year moment of insanity that takes me to the mall to buy clothes. I went to Old Navy and found 16 shirts for only $130!! I'm sorry girlfriends! Hanging up all the clothes today I realized that I didn't need quite as many shirts; I had some in the closet that were very close in style and color to the ones I got yesterday. Oh, well, it was great therapy for me. In a few weeks I'll go back and get some jeans. I need to get back into shape a bit more before I spend time trying on pants.

After shopping I spent time with Carson at my mom's and then went to my massage. I love massages and am lucky a family friend of ours gives them. Yesterday I got a "deep but gentle" massage as my gal put it. She found so many knots in my muscles and it hurt to undo all them. I'm still feeling sore today, I almost need a massage to recover from the one yesterday. It felt great though. My gal even put a special lotion on last to help pull toxins out of my body. I was told to drink lots of water and pee all the toxins out last night.

Well, after the massage, Tony and I headed to a costume Halloween party. Tony got this chef's costume from a friend who used to be a chef in a restaurant. The party was fine, I didn't drink anything but water, and the people were nice. There were only a few awkward moments when friends at the party had known I was pregnant, but didn't know I'd miscarried the baby. By 11:00 all the people I knew were heading home and the remaining people were getting really drunk. It's no fun being the only sober one, but being the only one not getting the jokes is bad. So Tony and I left and came home. It was good to get out and socialize with his friends though.