I know I haven't posted much lately about how things are going with my marriage. Tony and I have decided to try and give our relationship a second chance. We discussed getting back together when I returned from spring break and Tony has been spending more and more days and nights at the house with the boys and I. We're planning to move his furniture and stuff from his house back to my house next weekend.
It might seem that this is all of a sudden, but Tony and I never had a typical separation. We had separate houses, but we still stayed friendly with each other and were able to get along most of the time. Though we haven't worked out all our issues, the biggest ones have been mostly worked out. Only a few more things to discuss and work out, but for the most part we are doing better.
That old phrase about absence making the heart grow fonder, I never really believed it, but being separated for two months proved me wrong. Being a single parent is so much more difficult and I found I miss Tony as a partner dearly. It was much easier to forget our problems when we weren't living together. My kids dearly missed having their dad and our family together, but I missed Tony as a partner an we both realized we love each other very much.
This has been a stressful, exhausting, and expensive experience, but I'm not angry that Tony made the decision that let to this. Our marriage had problems and needed help. We're trying to move on from that it was, and instead rebuild our marriage into one that we can both be happy with and keep it going for another ten years. There's enough things to stress out about in our family right now that having my marriage back together just helps us support each other more. I'm happy, my kids are happier, and my marriage is getting better.
Showing posts with label Divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Divorce. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tunes in my head
Research says that strong memories can be linked to certain smells and even music. How many people remember the song playing on their first date, wedding, etc.. I have lots of memories associated with music. I remember the song playing on the radio driving up to my bad news ultrasound and miscarriage surgery. I've got songs that I associate with so much right now and thought I'd share.
This one is a favorite I turn up loud in the car or wearing headphones and sing to. It does seem to make me feel stronger. This one is another good one that just seems to reflect my thoughts a lot of the time. There's lots of other songs I'm listening to, my iPod gets a regular work out every day. When things are bad listening to music helps me get through the pain.
This one is a favorite I turn up loud in the car or wearing headphones and sing to. It does seem to make me feel stronger. This one is another good one that just seems to reflect my thoughts a lot of the time. There's lots of other songs I'm listening to, my iPod gets a regular work out every day. When things are bad listening to music helps me get through the pain.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The good, the bad, the gossip
The Good, the bad, the gossip
People have been wondering how I’ve been doing and I know I’ve given the usual, “Okay” response without details. I know I haven’t post much about my personal life lately but I want to catch everyone up on how I am doing and the happenings in my life.
Some good things have been going on in my life. One of the teachers started a “mileage club” at school complete with pedometers and sign up sheets. I’m not one of the top mileage people, but it is nice to notice that on average I walk 3-4 miles a day just working. My next step is trying to add in more time at home on the elliptical or mix in some yoga. I can’t say I’m losing weight fast, but I have been consistently losing a pound every week or so. Not much, but looking at the scale I’ve lost 30 pounds since I had Cooper. That makes me feel good. My fat clothes are getting too loose, but my skinny clothes are still a little tight, but I’m happy to be getting closer to shedding all the baby weight I gained.
Lots of friends have also expressed concerned that I’m stressed money wise. While my bills are closely monitored, I’m not completely broke. My standard of living may not be what others think is necessary, but I’m able to have everything I need and pay all the bills. I’m even getting creative about ways to eliminated unneccsary bills and find new ways of entertainment. My satellite bill just went up this last month, and while five dollars isn’t much money, overall I don’t regularly spend what I feel is $50 worth of my time watching tv. I’m hoping to buy the family an Xbox Kinect game system and start downloading movies and shows from Netflix through the system. I’m also hoping to get my internet back next month (need it for Netflix) and will be free of the satellite bill then.
Emotionally, I’m doing ok also. Lots of people I talk to keep mentioning how well I seem to be handling everything going on. After the grief I experienced losing Taylor, grieving my marriage is much easier. I’m still grieving, don’t think I’m not, but I know how to keep the darkness away and stay positive. It also helps that Tony and I aren’t fighting or nasty to each other and can still be a part of each other’s life as friends. There are good days and bad days, but I’ve got great friends to help talk with and help make sure more days are good than bad. I’m learning to force myself to go outside my routine and make new friends and meet new people.
With the good, is the bad. Nothing is really just terrible in my life right now, but some things aren’t all sunshine and roses either. As most of you know I had to stop the housekeeping visits due to finances. This means all the housekeeping is up to me and it sucks! I’m not the neatest person in the world, and either are my kids, but I hate housecleaning. I guess the worst part is that I feel like I have to clean the house in one day (instead of pacing myself out throughout the week) and it is just something I don’t care for. I’m great at getting the laundry washed and folded regularly and keeping up on the dishes. But the chores the cleaning woman did, I keep wanting to put them off every Sunday. It’s not like they take lots of time (just the floors and bathrooms) but I have a tough time finding motivation to do them. I do them, believe me I have to keep things clean with the kids around, but staying on top of it just is one more thing on my long list. I’m planning to get the housekeeper back at least for the summer time when the boys are with me every day simply because I’ll need help managing how messy things get when we’re all home all day long.
Other bad things is that things are progressing with the divorce. It is still hard at times to believe that my marriage is ending. I know I should be used to it since Tony’s been moved out for almost two months now, but it still hits me hard at times. The kids often bring up how different things are done at Tony’s house. “Daddy lets us have….” And “Daddy lets us ….” Are brought up often by the kids and though I try not to let it get to me, each one is a little barb right in my heart. I try so hard to keep things positive and not talk negatively about Tony, but when I’m the “no fun” parent, it is so tough to say the right thing. The most often thing compared between the two houses is buying things. The boys want me to buy things that Tony can afford and gets them regularly, but I can’t. I got the greatest advice from a girlfriend last week who told me that instead of telling the kids I can’t afford something, to say, “I’m choosing not to spend my money on that right now.” I guess telling the kids I can’t afford something makes them afraid I don’t have money to buy basic things (which isn’t true) and by making it a choice, then they know that there are different choices to be made about money. It seems to be working better and the boys understand better when I say I’m not buying something because I’m choosing instead to save my money for a vacation or family gift.
The boys have been acting out in response to all the changes that have happened in the last few months too. Colten and Carson regualary argue with each other driving me (and Tony) crazy at times. I’ve started doing what the sitter does with them, “You argue, you do chores” is what our great sitter has them do. It has worked when I’ve had to use it to. Both big boys also have times of bad attitudes and will say negative things to me. I’m trying to be patient and know that they are still adjusting to things, but it is SO frustrating at times. I’m just keeping the rules consistent and if the mood continues dole out consequences. Usually if it’s just a little thing, I tackle the kids and tickle the bad mood out of them. This is far better than getting mad with them. The boys are adjusting just like I am; one day at a time.
People have been wondering how I’ve been doing and I know I’ve given the usual, “Okay” response without details. I know I haven’t post much about my personal life lately but I want to catch everyone up on how I am doing and the happenings in my life.
Some good things have been going on in my life. One of the teachers started a “mileage club” at school complete with pedometers and sign up sheets. I’m not one of the top mileage people, but it is nice to notice that on average I walk 3-4 miles a day just working. My next step is trying to add in more time at home on the elliptical or mix in some yoga. I can’t say I’m losing weight fast, but I have been consistently losing a pound every week or so. Not much, but looking at the scale I’ve lost 30 pounds since I had Cooper. That makes me feel good. My fat clothes are getting too loose, but my skinny clothes are still a little tight, but I’m happy to be getting closer to shedding all the baby weight I gained.
Lots of friends have also expressed concerned that I’m stressed money wise. While my bills are closely monitored, I’m not completely broke. My standard of living may not be what others think is necessary, but I’m able to have everything I need and pay all the bills. I’m even getting creative about ways to eliminated unneccsary bills and find new ways of entertainment. My satellite bill just went up this last month, and while five dollars isn’t much money, overall I don’t regularly spend what I feel is $50 worth of my time watching tv. I’m hoping to buy the family an Xbox Kinect game system and start downloading movies and shows from Netflix through the system. I’m also hoping to get my internet back next month (need it for Netflix) and will be free of the satellite bill then.
Emotionally, I’m doing ok also. Lots of people I talk to keep mentioning how well I seem to be handling everything going on. After the grief I experienced losing Taylor, grieving my marriage is much easier. I’m still grieving, don’t think I’m not, but I know how to keep the darkness away and stay positive. It also helps that Tony and I aren’t fighting or nasty to each other and can still be a part of each other’s life as friends. There are good days and bad days, but I’ve got great friends to help talk with and help make sure more days are good than bad. I’m learning to force myself to go outside my routine and make new friends and meet new people.
With the good, is the bad. Nothing is really just terrible in my life right now, but some things aren’t all sunshine and roses either. As most of you know I had to stop the housekeeping visits due to finances. This means all the housekeeping is up to me and it sucks! I’m not the neatest person in the world, and either are my kids, but I hate housecleaning. I guess the worst part is that I feel like I have to clean the house in one day (instead of pacing myself out throughout the week) and it is just something I don’t care for. I’m great at getting the laundry washed and folded regularly and keeping up on the dishes. But the chores the cleaning woman did, I keep wanting to put them off every Sunday. It’s not like they take lots of time (just the floors and bathrooms) but I have a tough time finding motivation to do them. I do them, believe me I have to keep things clean with the kids around, but staying on top of it just is one more thing on my long list. I’m planning to get the housekeeper back at least for the summer time when the boys are with me every day simply because I’ll need help managing how messy things get when we’re all home all day long.
Other bad things is that things are progressing with the divorce. It is still hard at times to believe that my marriage is ending. I know I should be used to it since Tony’s been moved out for almost two months now, but it still hits me hard at times. The kids often bring up how different things are done at Tony’s house. “Daddy lets us have….” And “Daddy lets us ….” Are brought up often by the kids and though I try not to let it get to me, each one is a little barb right in my heart. I try so hard to keep things positive and not talk negatively about Tony, but when I’m the “no fun” parent, it is so tough to say the right thing. The most often thing compared between the two houses is buying things. The boys want me to buy things that Tony can afford and gets them regularly, but I can’t. I got the greatest advice from a girlfriend last week who told me that instead of telling the kids I can’t afford something, to say, “I’m choosing not to spend my money on that right now.” I guess telling the kids I can’t afford something makes them afraid I don’t have money to buy basic things (which isn’t true) and by making it a choice, then they know that there are different choices to be made about money. It seems to be working better and the boys understand better when I say I’m not buying something because I’m choosing instead to save my money for a vacation or family gift.
The boys have been acting out in response to all the changes that have happened in the last few months too. Colten and Carson regualary argue with each other driving me (and Tony) crazy at times. I’ve started doing what the sitter does with them, “You argue, you do chores” is what our great sitter has them do. It has worked when I’ve had to use it to. Both big boys also have times of bad attitudes and will say negative things to me. I’m trying to be patient and know that they are still adjusting to things, but it is SO frustrating at times. I’m just keeping the rules consistent and if the mood continues dole out consequences. Usually if it’s just a little thing, I tackle the kids and tickle the bad mood out of them. This is far better than getting mad with them. The boys are adjusting just like I am; one day at a time.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The grass isn't always greener
It’s been two weeks since Tony moved out. Things are getting better each day and week that passes. I have been getting used to the “feast or famine” time with the kids. At first the empty house was really unsettling. Each little noise (and there are always strange noises) would make me jump. I’ve tried to get most of the housework done on nights when I don’t have the boys to keep busy. To save money I’ve had to cancel the housekeeper visits for right now, so I’ve been vacuuming, mopping, and scrubbing toilets. I’ve done quick clean ups, but haven’t had to really clean a house in seven years. I’ve even stocked up on “singles” meals from Trader Joes. I am getting used to the quiet and lack of kid noise.
Single parenting is ok, but definitely presents different challenges. Colten has close to an hour of homework and eye therapy a night and Carson and Cooper have a hard time staying occupied for that long. It takes everything I have at the end of a workday to get dinner on the table, homework done, and get boys in bed and keep my sanity. Once everyone is asleep at hopefully the same time, then I race around the house packing and getting ready for the next day. Not much time for just me.
The hardest things to get used to aren’t the cooking or cleaning changes, but the empty spaces. I have to get used to turning around or entering a room and still being startled by the empty space. Missing furniture, missing clothes and shoes, even Tony’s missing toothbrush still gets me. The worst empty space though is the empty space in bed. I’ve had to get used to snuggling up with a body pillow and the cats at night. Even with them I don’t sleep the best.
People ask if I’m getting sleep. I get some sleep, and would likely sleep more if it wasn’t for my interruptions. Tony gets the boys for Sunday through Wednesday morning, but I get Cooper each night. It is great to see all my boys at least once each day, but Cooper isn’t sleeping well, so I’m not sleeping well. I’m lucky to get to bed by 11:00 most nights hopefully don’t fall asleep reading my book each night. I haven’t finished a book in several weeks, and those of you who know me know that is a big deal for me. Cooper often wakes up several times a night, so I’m happy if I get six hours of sleep total. Caffeine is my friend these days.
Trying to provide a house and food for my boys has been one of the biggest challenges of this separation. It’s a good thing I’m VERY creative with budgeting and money so I am able to keep the house for my boys. It doesn’t make it easier though when my wish list has changed drastically in the last month. Last month I was thinking a massage might be nice, now I’ve got so many things that would be really helpful, but are also expensive. What’s on this list you might wonder? It might bother my city friends, but I feel really exposed in the boonies by myself, so one thing I want is a shotgun. Nothing fancy or over the top, but something that I would be able to protect myself and boys with if someone were to get too nosy. I also am realizing that I want to take the boys and bikes down to the trail to ride, but I don’t have a bike rack that will work on my SUV. I need to look into how much a trailer hitch costs to add to the Rodeo and then get a hitch style bike rack. I’ve got a while yet before the weather is great for biking, and can wait a few months until summer gets closer. One other thing I’m going to need before next winter is an electric bed warmer. I just recently discovered that these things exist and am so tired of returning to a cold bed each time I get up with Cooper at night. Even the flannel sheets and duvet cover can’t keep me warm enough. It would be nice to have one of these now, but spring is getting closer and they are pretty expensive, so I’m thinking of waiting until my birthday in the fall. Then I’ll be nice and warm next winter.
It’s so easy to think things would be easier without your other half in the heat of an argument or fight, but it isn’t easier at all. Yes, there is less laundry, dishes, and cooking, but there is also no one else to depend on to do things. In case you’re curious, no the grass is not greener on the other side. Being a single parent isn’t easier for me than it was to be married. I’m a strong person, but I’ve done things these last few weeks that have made me dig deep for that inner strength. It’s not the chores and parenting that require the strength, it’s the loneliness, just wanting another adult to talk to about your day and have there to listen to that is hard. I am also leaning on all my emotional strength to keep a positive mind and not letting the anger and hurt drag me down that dark hole. There are times I do get angry that these changes are happening and I can’t stop it. Two a.m. is usually when angry thoughts sneak into my mind and a part of me wants to make Tony hurt the way I’m hurting. I have to make myself go to sleep and when I wake up, I realize that things aren’t necessarily easier for him. This separation is difficult for both of us and I somehow have to keep that in perspective.
All my friends and family have been a great help this past month. The random calls just “checking in” from friends, the offers of dinner and time to just talk and vent, the flowers, even some class coverage so I could get back on top of everything going on at school, words can’t begin to describe how supported I feel. I can’t say that I’m happy, but I’m much happier than I would be if I had to deal with all this without everyone who’s helped me. I am strong, physically and emotionally, but I am even stronger with all of you helping me.
Single parenting is ok, but definitely presents different challenges. Colten has close to an hour of homework and eye therapy a night and Carson and Cooper have a hard time staying occupied for that long. It takes everything I have at the end of a workday to get dinner on the table, homework done, and get boys in bed and keep my sanity. Once everyone is asleep at hopefully the same time, then I race around the house packing and getting ready for the next day. Not much time for just me.
The hardest things to get used to aren’t the cooking or cleaning changes, but the empty spaces. I have to get used to turning around or entering a room and still being startled by the empty space. Missing furniture, missing clothes and shoes, even Tony’s missing toothbrush still gets me. The worst empty space though is the empty space in bed. I’ve had to get used to snuggling up with a body pillow and the cats at night. Even with them I don’t sleep the best.
People ask if I’m getting sleep. I get some sleep, and would likely sleep more if it wasn’t for my interruptions. Tony gets the boys for Sunday through Wednesday morning, but I get Cooper each night. It is great to see all my boys at least once each day, but Cooper isn’t sleeping well, so I’m not sleeping well. I’m lucky to get to bed by 11:00 most nights hopefully don’t fall asleep reading my book each night. I haven’t finished a book in several weeks, and those of you who know me know that is a big deal for me. Cooper often wakes up several times a night, so I’m happy if I get six hours of sleep total. Caffeine is my friend these days.
Trying to provide a house and food for my boys has been one of the biggest challenges of this separation. It’s a good thing I’m VERY creative with budgeting and money so I am able to keep the house for my boys. It doesn’t make it easier though when my wish list has changed drastically in the last month. Last month I was thinking a massage might be nice, now I’ve got so many things that would be really helpful, but are also expensive. What’s on this list you might wonder? It might bother my city friends, but I feel really exposed in the boonies by myself, so one thing I want is a shotgun. Nothing fancy or over the top, but something that I would be able to protect myself and boys with if someone were to get too nosy. I also am realizing that I want to take the boys and bikes down to the trail to ride, but I don’t have a bike rack that will work on my SUV. I need to look into how much a trailer hitch costs to add to the Rodeo and then get a hitch style bike rack. I’ve got a while yet before the weather is great for biking, and can wait a few months until summer gets closer. One other thing I’m going to need before next winter is an electric bed warmer. I just recently discovered that these things exist and am so tired of returning to a cold bed each time I get up with Cooper at night. Even the flannel sheets and duvet cover can’t keep me warm enough. It would be nice to have one of these now, but spring is getting closer and they are pretty expensive, so I’m thinking of waiting until my birthday in the fall. Then I’ll be nice and warm next winter.
It’s so easy to think things would be easier without your other half in the heat of an argument or fight, but it isn’t easier at all. Yes, there is less laundry, dishes, and cooking, but there is also no one else to depend on to do things. In case you’re curious, no the grass is not greener on the other side. Being a single parent isn’t easier for me than it was to be married. I’m a strong person, but I’ve done things these last few weeks that have made me dig deep for that inner strength. It’s not the chores and parenting that require the strength, it’s the loneliness, just wanting another adult to talk to about your day and have there to listen to that is hard. I am also leaning on all my emotional strength to keep a positive mind and not letting the anger and hurt drag me down that dark hole. There are times I do get angry that these changes are happening and I can’t stop it. Two a.m. is usually when angry thoughts sneak into my mind and a part of me wants to make Tony hurt the way I’m hurting. I have to make myself go to sleep and when I wake up, I realize that things aren’t necessarily easier for him. This separation is difficult for both of us and I somehow have to keep that in perspective.
All my friends and family have been a great help this past month. The random calls just “checking in” from friends, the offers of dinner and time to just talk and vent, the flowers, even some class coverage so I could get back on top of everything going on at school, words can’t begin to describe how supported I feel. I can’t say that I’m happy, but I’m much happier than I would be if I had to deal with all this without everyone who’s helped me. I am strong, physically and emotionally, but I am even stronger with all of you helping me.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I just did the most difficult thing. I filed the paperwork for a dissolution to my marriage and wrote a really big check to the attorney. I’ve been putting it off for a week or so, but with Tony moving out this last weekend I had to bite the bullet and do it. I don’t want a divorce, but Tony does and I have to agree that our marriage hasn’t been the best this last year. If I put off filing the paperwork or waited for Tony to do it, it would just be one more thing to argue over. I had the money, both Tony and I liked how the attorney worked with us, so I just did it. Things will start rolling now.
A dear aunt sent me an email and told me to refer to Jeremiah 29:11. Ironically, I hadn’t looked it up yet, but a student yesterday had it written out on a book mark and I saw it. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I know that God has a plan for Tony and I. It just won’t be a plan for us together married.
People ask me why I’m not fighting for my marriage. It’s hard to fight someone when they’ve got their mind made up. I can’t force Tony to try counseling. I can’t keep him from moving out. I can’t keep him from finding another attorney, one that doesn’t specialize in calm, collaborative divorces, but likes battles in court. All I can do now is go with the flow, stay calm and levelheaded, and make good decisions for what little of my life is still in my control.
Things have gone well so far this week with the boys staying with Tony. I’ve gotten to have Cooper each night at bedtime so I can nurse him at night. This is nice because I get to see Colten and Carson at bed time, help with homework and say prayers with them. They both seem happy to be spending time with Tony and enjoy being at his house. They are most excited about the bunk beds Tony got for them to sleep in. I’m sure there will be a time of adjustment.
People have been asking me how they can help or what they can pray for me. If you pray for my family, pray for several things. That the boys (and Tony and I) continue to adjust well to our new households and work out complications smoothly. Pray that I am able to keep and open mind and heart. That even though I am hurting, that I don’t use that anger as a weapon against Tony or others, that I stay positive and don’t get bitter. Pray that I don’t let the small stuff get to me. The judgmental or negative comments to get me down. That I can let this process I started today continue to a resolution both Tony and I can be happy with.
A dear aunt sent me an email and told me to refer to Jeremiah 29:11. Ironically, I hadn’t looked it up yet, but a student yesterday had it written out on a book mark and I saw it. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I know that God has a plan for Tony and I. It just won’t be a plan for us together married.
People ask me why I’m not fighting for my marriage. It’s hard to fight someone when they’ve got their mind made up. I can’t force Tony to try counseling. I can’t keep him from moving out. I can’t keep him from finding another attorney, one that doesn’t specialize in calm, collaborative divorces, but likes battles in court. All I can do now is go with the flow, stay calm and levelheaded, and make good decisions for what little of my life is still in my control.
Things have gone well so far this week with the boys staying with Tony. I’ve gotten to have Cooper each night at bedtime so I can nurse him at night. This is nice because I get to see Colten and Carson at bed time, help with homework and say prayers with them. They both seem happy to be spending time with Tony and enjoy being at his house. They are most excited about the bunk beds Tony got for them to sleep in. I’m sure there will be a time of adjustment.
People have been asking me how they can help or what they can pray for me. If you pray for my family, pray for several things. That the boys (and Tony and I) continue to adjust well to our new households and work out complications smoothly. Pray that I am able to keep and open mind and heart. That even though I am hurting, that I don’t use that anger as a weapon against Tony or others, that I stay positive and don’t get bitter. Pray that I don’t let the small stuff get to me. The judgmental or negative comments to get me down. That I can let this process I started today continue to a resolution both Tony and I can be happy with.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Bad Day Today
Today was a sad day in my household. Not only was the internet turned off three days early (I'm hanging out with my brother and his internet), but my house became two households today. Tony moved out last night.
While it certainly isn't a surprise, what is surprising is just how emotional I am about all this. I've known about him moving out for over a week now. I've even been putting together a pile of household stuff for him to take with him so he's have some things and stuff for the kids. You'd think that all my emotions connected to this divorce would be out, but they aren't.
I managed to keep my composure for most of the time Tony and a friend were moving the furniture out, but towards the end, I had a very tough time keeping myself together. Once Tony was gone the tears wouldn't stop. Friday night was our last night in the house together as a family. If I had thought more about it, I would have done more to make it special. Try to do a family movie or game, anything to make it memorable. Now it's too late to do anything about it all.
I've tried so hard to keep the boys from seeing my tears, but last night I just couldn't hold back. Tony and I have been telling them how it will be a "great adventure" and that now they've got bunk beds and a whole other house to play at. I don't want the boys told things that would confuse them or make them view the other parent poorly, but last night when the boys saw I had been crying I couldn't help but tell them I would really miss their dad. They started crying too and Colten, my sweet artist, drew me a picture of the two of us and wrote "I love you" on it. It means a hundred times more to me than other similar pictures, just simply because he drew it knowing how I was feeling and how it would make me feel better.
Tony's been away from home before, gone camping or other trips, but this was still his home. His stuff and presence was still here. Now his home is only a few miles away, but the house already seems empty and lonely without him. It will be interesting to see how I sleep tonight with only the cats and dogs (and Cooper) for company.
I see now how many divorces leave people bitter and wounded. Tony's moving out has left a jagged hole in my heart that just throbs with pain. It's not just emotional pain I feel, but I ache all over physically. Being the self-sufficient person I am my first reaction when I'm hurting is to get angry and last out at what hurt me. I didn't last out at Tony last night, but I can't say I was really friendly. A big part of me wanted to make him hurt as much as I am. I managed to keep most of "me" together though. I know he felt bad because he kept telling me he was sorry and trying to give me a hug. Sorry doesn't stop the pain I'm feeling. Sorry doesn't put my broken family and broken heart back together. Sorry only makes him feel less guilty for what he's doing. It took all my energy to keep from falling apart right there.
Right now I'm praying to God to heal my heart and keep me from turning to bitterness and anger. It would be very easy for me to hold on to the pain and let it fuel my anger and harden my heart. I'm praying that God will keep my heart softened so I can be a comfort to my children now when everything is confusing and changing. I'm praying I can be strong and survive each day, taking it one day at a time and just do the best I can with the situation I've been handed.
While it certainly isn't a surprise, what is surprising is just how emotional I am about all this. I've known about him moving out for over a week now. I've even been putting together a pile of household stuff for him to take with him so he's have some things and stuff for the kids. You'd think that all my emotions connected to this divorce would be out, but they aren't.
I managed to keep my composure for most of the time Tony and a friend were moving the furniture out, but towards the end, I had a very tough time keeping myself together. Once Tony was gone the tears wouldn't stop. Friday night was our last night in the house together as a family. If I had thought more about it, I would have done more to make it special. Try to do a family movie or game, anything to make it memorable. Now it's too late to do anything about it all.
I've tried so hard to keep the boys from seeing my tears, but last night I just couldn't hold back. Tony and I have been telling them how it will be a "great adventure" and that now they've got bunk beds and a whole other house to play at. I don't want the boys told things that would confuse them or make them view the other parent poorly, but last night when the boys saw I had been crying I couldn't help but tell them I would really miss their dad. They started crying too and Colten, my sweet artist, drew me a picture of the two of us and wrote "I love you" on it. It means a hundred times more to me than other similar pictures, just simply because he drew it knowing how I was feeling and how it would make me feel better.
Tony's been away from home before, gone camping or other trips, but this was still his home. His stuff and presence was still here. Now his home is only a few miles away, but the house already seems empty and lonely without him. It will be interesting to see how I sleep tonight with only the cats and dogs (and Cooper) for company.
I see now how many divorces leave people bitter and wounded. Tony's moving out has left a jagged hole in my heart that just throbs with pain. It's not just emotional pain I feel, but I ache all over physically. Being the self-sufficient person I am my first reaction when I'm hurting is to get angry and last out at what hurt me. I didn't last out at Tony last night, but I can't say I was really friendly. A big part of me wanted to make him hurt as much as I am. I managed to keep most of "me" together though. I know he felt bad because he kept telling me he was sorry and trying to give me a hug. Sorry doesn't stop the pain I'm feeling. Sorry doesn't put my broken family and broken heart back together. Sorry only makes him feel less guilty for what he's doing. It took all my energy to keep from falling apart right there.
Right now I'm praying to God to heal my heart and keep me from turning to bitterness and anger. It would be very easy for me to hold on to the pain and let it fuel my anger and harden my heart. I'm praying that God will keep my heart softened so I can be a comfort to my children now when everything is confusing and changing. I'm praying I can be strong and survive each day, taking it one day at a time and just do the best I can with the situation I've been handed.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
It's all going to be okay
I realize that after posting my last post two weeks ago, I never updated everyone on what has been going on. I have realized that it's all going to be okay. My life will be different, but with time I can be happy.
Last week Tony and I sat down with a divorce lawyer (best lawyer I've ever met!) and are in the process of separating into two households and filing for divorce. We have our reasons for making this decision and have worked out all the complicated details already. This may be a surprise to some, expected by others, but please know that this decision wasn't made rashly, and now we are both looking forward to being better parents and friends by getting a divorce. Life is going to be crazy for me, money will be very tight (as if it wasn't before), but I feel that I will find the confident and sexy woman I know is buried inside after some time.
I'll post details as things progress and change. Thanks for being patient and for giving us space.
Last week Tony and I sat down with a divorce lawyer (best lawyer I've ever met!) and are in the process of separating into two households and filing for divorce. We have our reasons for making this decision and have worked out all the complicated details already. This may be a surprise to some, expected by others, but please know that this decision wasn't made rashly, and now we are both looking forward to being better parents and friends by getting a divorce. Life is going to be crazy for me, money will be very tight (as if it wasn't before), but I feel that I will find the confident and sexy woman I know is buried inside after some time.
I'll post details as things progress and change. Thanks for being patient and for giving us space.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
My world will never be the same
I know this blog is mostly superficial. I haven't posted any REAL emotional sludge on it in a long time. I've tried to keep it happy and positive, but tonight I just can't. I've tried not to vent against my husband, and instead kept my frustrations in. I can't be "nice" this time.
My world shattered last night with one little phrase, "I want a divorce."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Yeah, that's what my reaction mostly was.
I've been trying to piece things together today and just survive. I didn't really sleep last night, and I can't blame Cooper this time. My eyes were all puffy and red, and I was asked if I had allergies (staff members) or pink eye (students). All I could do today was remember how my world was rocked two years ago with my miscarriage, and how similar I felt today. The problem is, my rock, my husband who grieved with me, is no longer there. I barely survived the grief I felt with the Taylor and really don't know how I'm going to cope with a broken heart and marriage.
This doesn't come as a total surprise. Tony and I have been having problems of various kinds for the last eleven years. We've tried to keep it all together, but in the last year things have gone downhill fast.
So now instead of rejoicing in getting an almost full-night's sleep, and finally feeling on top of everything at work, my world is back to sleeplessness, constant crying, and then the brainstorming of solutions. My mind has been filled with results from Internet searches, attorney hunts, child support calculators, and yet every time I stop thinking, it all hits me at once. MY DREAM IS GONE. I've always dreamed of a big house filled with kids and a husband who wanted to spend time with me and the kids. Not only will the house I built, painted, and brought my babies home to soon likely be sold, but I have no clue what I am going to do with myself, where I'll live, what to tell the boys. Me the control freak with a plan B for everything, has no back up plan now. I cannot imagine not coming home with my boys, or even not coming home to my house. I wonder how this will affect my boys. My big boy to whom his daddy is his hero, and my baby, who will never remember his parents married. And then there is my middle boy, who is so resilient, but will question and reason out everything.
All I can focus on right now is what a good friend told me, something better might come out of it. It will be rough, and possibly nasty at times, but in the end the anger will be gone and my kids will hopefully have parents who can love them while being civil with each other.
I have to piece together my broken heart, home, and world, and work on surviving each day, one after the other. I have to do it for my kids.
My world shattered last night with one little phrase, "I want a divorce."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Yeah, that's what my reaction mostly was.
I've been trying to piece things together today and just survive. I didn't really sleep last night, and I can't blame Cooper this time. My eyes were all puffy and red, and I was asked if I had allergies (staff members) or pink eye (students). All I could do today was remember how my world was rocked two years ago with my miscarriage, and how similar I felt today. The problem is, my rock, my husband who grieved with me, is no longer there. I barely survived the grief I felt with the Taylor and really don't know how I'm going to cope with a broken heart and marriage.
This doesn't come as a total surprise. Tony and I have been having problems of various kinds for the last eleven years. We've tried to keep it all together, but in the last year things have gone downhill fast.
So now instead of rejoicing in getting an almost full-night's sleep, and finally feeling on top of everything at work, my world is back to sleeplessness, constant crying, and then the brainstorming of solutions. My mind has been filled with results from Internet searches, attorney hunts, child support calculators, and yet every time I stop thinking, it all hits me at once. MY DREAM IS GONE. I've always dreamed of a big house filled with kids and a husband who wanted to spend time with me and the kids. Not only will the house I built, painted, and brought my babies home to soon likely be sold, but I have no clue what I am going to do with myself, where I'll live, what to tell the boys. Me the control freak with a plan B for everything, has no back up plan now. I cannot imagine not coming home with my boys, or even not coming home to my house. I wonder how this will affect my boys. My big boy to whom his daddy is his hero, and my baby, who will never remember his parents married. And then there is my middle boy, who is so resilient, but will question and reason out everything.
All I can focus on right now is what a good friend told me, something better might come out of it. It will be rough, and possibly nasty at times, but in the end the anger will be gone and my kids will hopefully have parents who can love them while being civil with each other.
I have to piece together my broken heart, home, and world, and work on surviving each day, one after the other. I have to do it for my kids.
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