Please have the part

... to fix our Jeep! It went in again yesterday for more work and the dealer has 5 of the 6 parts needed. The 6th is on backorder and they don't know when they will get it in to fix our Jeep. So now I am driving my dad's old truck. I'm thankful they have extra vehicles to loan us when we need, but the truck is 20 years old. It is also a 5-speed and has steering issues. I tried to start it yesterday and forgot the clutch so of course it wouldn't start. DUH!! My dad went out to try it and it started right up. It is just tough driving something I'm not used to. The good thing: the heat and stereo work great!

Super what??

Oh, the SUPER BOWL. Am I supposed to know what that is? Or that it would occupy the entire day Sunday?

I'm not into sports, but especially football. Students keep asking me who I want to win, and are shocked when I can't even name the teams, much less give input to predicting the win. I don't understand football. I never have, even when I was stuck sitting in the stands at games as a pep-band player. Each SBS (super bowl Sunday) I always made plans to go skating with girlfriends in HS.

So do I think about football when making weekend plans? NO! This frustrates my husband because I know he would love to do something big this Sunday, but I don't plan to even watch any of the game. I will adjust any plans I was thinking about so he can enjoy the game at someone else's house though. I'll make plans for Saturday night instead.

I missed it???

How could I have missed the one year anniversary of my blog? I've thought about it for days, but here I am a week later just now remebering it! My only excuse is that things have been very busy around here these last few weeks and I just didn't get to it.

So very much has happened in the last year, some good, some bad, some ugly moment, but here I am. If anything has happened I have become more reflective in my blogs, posting more than just family pictures and happenings. It has been interesting looking back over my old posts and seeing how much my family has grown.

As frustrating as parenting is at times, I am always surprised how fast my boys grow and worry about all the things I've missed. I'm trying to focus on more patience and understanding. I think I'm doing better, but you know how we moms all are, always wanting to be perfect.

My hopes for this next year are that things will only get better: my boys will stay healthy and happy, my husband stays busy, and that I'll be pregnant sometime in the next 11 months. Most of all, I look forward to being happy again.

Testing, Testing

... our new laptop! We finally broke down and got one! I was checking out the Sunday ads in the school library yesterday while my students were typing (we don't get the Sunday paper, but the school does) and found some great deals on laptops. I talked with our tech guy in the staff meeting afterschool about them and he said this one was a great deal. I wish I had a picture to show y'all. It was $200 off the regular price with none of those annoying "mail in rebate" things that are a pain to do. It is a smaller HP, with all the media options on it and plenty of memory to hold anything we want to do now. Now I no longer need to drag my school laptop home just to surf the internet, or put up with our SLOW dinosaur to check email. We will likely keep the dino for the kids to play their games on though. It is nice to finally catch up with the rest of the technological world.

Twilight

I always find it interesting to watch a movie based on the books I've read and compare my vision of the characters and all to the director's. Twilight was pretty good. I've read the books so I could tell the differences between them while watching. The acting and screen play were pretty standard, nothing really special, but it was a nice sappy chick flick. Some of the characters didn't look a thing like I had anticipated. Being from Washington state and around Native American tribes you can really tell that the Quileute tribal members in the movie were over done. The long hair and very distinct features, most tribal members around here aren't that noticeable. I also thought that some of the "vampire" scenes, you know the ones with the naive girl and the vampire biting her neck... those scenes were cheesy in my mind. I thought the books were much better at explaining all the intricacies of Bella's mind and the vampire life as well. My brother's girlfriend enjoyed the movie and is borrowing my copy of "Twilight" to read. I have to admit that the actor who plays Edward is pretty cute, even if he is supposed to be only 17 in the story!

I also finished reading the unpublished 5th book in the series, "Midnight Sun" today. One of the drafts of the story somehow got posted on the Internet and to prevent too much panic and searching for illegal copies posted, the author, Stephanie Meyer, posted one rough draft on her official website. It was 264 pages long! The biggest bummer is that since the unauthorized posting she has refused to work on finishing the story! She states that she is so infuriated by the draft being illegally released that she is taking time away from the story and doesn't know if she will ever finish it. If she does, she said that she will purposefully make it very different from the posted drafts so that her fans have a completely new story to follow. My biggest frustration was after reading all those pages and having to stop in the middle of the story! There wasn't anything left to read!

He (we) survived

Colten had a wonderful time at his sleepover. He had no problems what so ever and had lots of fun. Keaton's mom even took all these pictures and typed up a letter from Colten describing what they did. The boys went to the beach to look for crabs, went fishing, watched a movie, painted pictures, played: hide and seek, jets, race cars, and even took a bath. They were both asleep by 8:30 and up at 6:00am. Now we get to reciprocate and have Keaton over for a sleepover here! I don't know when, but the boys probably will want it to be sometime soon.

This is my new hair. I know, it looks similar to the old, but my highlights are stronger now and more noticeable. I also got a trim too.

Today is finally nice out. No fog or clouds, and the view of the mountain is beautiful! It always looks best with a fresh layer of snow and sunshine. After I finish this I'm headed outside to work in my flowerbeds. I can't excuse myself for having messy flowers if I don't take advantage of days like today. I'm cutting back all the dead plants, labeling what I still remember being in the ground, and pulling all the weeds I can at the same time. I keep telling myself that more work now in the cold will mean less work later in the spring, and that would be nice. It's also a good workout so I'll stay warm. Tony's taking watch of the boys tonight so I get some girl time and a nice chick flick in.

I made it through church fine today, I was in the toddler room with Carson! It was rough for Tony though. Some people in our church are on the local Crisis Pregnancy Center board and were showing a video of what they do. My OB is one of the docs for the clinic. Tony said it was tough to watch and everyone was tearing up. I'm glad I was hanging with a bunch of toddlers! More people are pregnant at church now, but I was fine with the new babies. It is only the bellies that still bother me. I'm hoping I can only keep getting better at dealing with this and will only be thinking happy thoughts when I see pregnant women.

Tony and I did talk more about how we are at opposites of when to get pregnant again. Him-never, Me- NOW! We are trying to work our way to a compromise of sometime in the next year. It still is difficult to be patient with each other though.

Another first...

Tonight is Colten's first sleepover with a friend. He is staying the night with his friend, Keaton, whom we go to church with. I took him to aerobics today where Keaton's mom is the teacher, and the boys played while we worked out. Then I said good bye and gave him his bag, and haven't heard from him since. I'm sure he is doing just fine. Both boys are very into "Cars" and trains so there is no lacking of toys to play with. Our friends have a large house on the water so I know the boys were planning to go look for crabs and jellyfish when the tide was out this afternoon. Though Colten has stayed the night with his grandparents many time, at their house or another relative's, this is a first. What will be even more interesting is when we have Keaton over for a night in the future.

It has been quiet without Colten's constant questions. My brother's girlfriend, Jackie, came over today and did my hair again before they leave for Alabama for 18 months. I got some more noticeable highlights and a trim, all for only the cost of supplies. It is wonderful. She even dried it and styled it for me. Tony likes it, of course he has always liked blonds.

Sick...

...in my body. I caught Carson's cold, and it's giving me the sore throat, stuffy nose, headache, and exhaustion.

...in my heart. Another month of not being pregnant and I'm now sad again. The hope of getting pregnant soon seems to keep my spirit up and going. But talking with Tony last night it doesn't sound like we will be getting pregnant anytime soon enough for me to keep hoping for it. It's amazing how one thing can bring me crashing down the mountain I've climbed.

I don't want to work, but I'm here. I want to put my sick head down on my desk and just cry.

Getting Better

Last night was a peaceful night at our house. Carson was feeling better and slept through the night! He wasn't really sick, just a little cold, but after how sick our family was this last fall I was worried. We managed to contain it to just him, and only two sleepless nights. One night he had a fever, but yesterday he was back to his usual self. Hopefully no one else gets his cold.

I'm doing well now that I'm back to work as usual. I'm still working out 4-5 days a week and trying to eat healthier. I'm SO hungry though. I wake up hungry and go to bed hungry. Being hungry just makes all the tasty tempting foods even more tempting. I haven't lost any weight, gained 4 pounds actually, but I'm noticing my clothes are fitting better and my waist is smaller. I'm hoping it is just more muscle going on my body causing the weight and hopefully I'll start losing the fat soon.

Mentally I'm upgrading my status from "OK" to "Good". I'm not "Great" because I'm not completely done grieving, but I'm good. I'm reading some good books, got lots of energy, and keeping up with kids at home and school. I'm also sleeping better, when Carson isn't waking up, and feeling rested. I know Tony still worries about me and wonders how I really am, but I'm starting to stop having the tear bursts and emotional highs and lows. Hopefully I am getting to the new "normal" for me and things will only keep going up.

Finally finished....

the "Twilight" saga of books. I got hooked because over 1/2 my students are reading them. "Santa" gave me the first book for Christmas and I had to stop by the bookstore and get the second one just a few days later. 8 hours later I finished "New Moon" the second book and was CRAVING the rest! I checked on Amazon to order the entire set, but it would be 4-7 weeks for delivery and I wasn't willing to wait that long. Thank goodness I have a great librarian who got me both books my first day back from break! I just finished "Breaking Dawn" the fourth book a little bit ago. I know I'll break down and buy #3 & #4.

Now I just need to find something else to read that sucks me into the story as much as these. It's strange because even when I wasn't reading the books I would be thinking about the characters and working out their problems in my mind. It's been a while since a book has done that. The last one I remember was the "Harry Potter" series. I will have to see the movie now. Maybe I can convince Tony to go with me, or maybe I'll take a night and go alone! I know I can't wait until it is out on DVD though, I need to experience it all in the theater.

I'm trying to do school work, but my stupid computer won't remember me! I started it up like always, and then I got a message about how it can't connect to my original profile! So there goes all my access to my school work, music, photos, school email, and my GRADEBOOK!!! I've emailed my tech guy, but he's recovering from the flu and probably won't check it until tomorrow morning! I NEED to do some work tonight, and now I can't even correct papers because I'm worried over the computer.

There is some good news to this, I did back up all my work before break so I would only be out the things I created and entered this past week. That I can live with, but what I can't live with is losing my laptop for an extended period of time if it can't be fixed by my techie! It is sad how depended we are upon technology in our society, but it is so much fun being so connected all the time, especially out here in the boonies!

Got a Lovey?

We lost the loveys. The pale green blankets that Carson can't sleep without. Carson had the loveys after his nap yesterday, and when we were getting ready to head to dinner at a friend's, we couldn't find them...anywhere!

The search was FRANTIC!! We (mostly Tony and I) looked everywhere in the house. We even dumped out the dirty clothes and searched, but no lovey. Colten has a habit of hiding the loveys and then not telling us where they are. Because of Colten's language problems, it is difficult to know if he is telling the truth, or just telling us what he thinks we want to hear. He did try and search, but that is about as useful as having Carson look.
We continued to our friend's, without the precious lovey, and survived the long drive and our child getting hurt jumping off the couch. Carson even survived the long night with his substitute lovey, but he wasn't happy about it. He knew right away that his "real" loveys were not with him to sleep.

Carson was up bright and early this morning, ready to start his day, a little cranky and coughy, but fine. He found his own loveys! They were wadded up and closed in Colten's metal lunchbox! Tony and I speculated over who could have put them there, but I'm thinking it was Carson. He found them when he wanted to. Now I just need to get them washed, then I can hide one for the next time we lose one.

Three months

It has been three months since I lost Taylor, 1/4 of a year has passed. So much has happened, I can think back and remember I was pregnant, but I don't remember the daily feeling of being pregnant. I wish now that I could; even the lousy days of exhaustion and nausea, I wish I had been happier then and simply reveled in the joy of growing a new life.

So....
How am I doing now? I'm doing ok. I'm sleep deprived and exhausted mentally and physically, but I feel it is a change for the better. I'm still working out and keep telling myself that the scale hasn't really moved because I am building muscle which weighs more. I don't really believe it but I still say it.

What do I want? To be pregnant of course, but I now see that mentally I need more time to move through my grief.

Things I still need to work on? Dealing with pregnant people better. Biggest irritations are seeing the "belly", even on complete strangers, but most difficult with friends. I'm also irritated by people complaining about morning sickness, heartburn, or lack of sleep because the baby is keeping them up kicking. Sometimes I wish I could yell at them and tell them I'd take all that and worse any day, just to have a healthy baby.
I also need to work on being a better wife and mom. I've been selfish and dealing with myself these last few weeks and need to pull my head out and focus on others.

Hey, I remember you!!

After nearly three years of silence, I got in touch again this week with one of my best college friends. She was my roommate for a semester sophomore year, and a dear friend all the rest of the time. She was the maid of honor in my wedding, and I was a bridesmaid in hers. We lost touch three years ago. So much was going on; her divorce and grad school, my kid and grad school, life got too busy to keep up. We connected though, thanks to Google and Facebook.

I called Nicole last night and we ended up talking for 1 1/2 hours! It was great to hear how well she is doing, and to talk with someone who is grieving this season. I was amazed at how after so long, we still had things in common and a wonderful sense of love and support. That is true friendship, one that can endure a three year gap! I didn't get much sleep, I've been averaging 4-5 hours a night, and if you know me I need at least 8 to function. I planned to go to bed early last night, but was up late talking, and I didn't care. Our re-connection left me with a sense of peace to go to sleep, until the alarm this morning.

I also got friend requests from some people I haven't seen in over 10 years. It was intriguing to get the request from former boyfriends. I haven't commented or chatted with him much, but still, I was amazed at how much people change, and yet look the same, ten years later.

In other news, the Jeep went to the dealer today to get fixed. Our mechanic didn't want to mess with the electronic transmission and told us to take it to the dealer, but thankfully the warranty is still good on it! I am happy about that!

I really needed the Jeep to get out of the boonies today. Water was flowing fast and furious in seven places on the road. One place not far from our house is a field that always floods, and deep. It was so deep I couldn't see the road stripes! I called Tony and told him that he needed to go around (10 min out of the way) to get to the sitters and not to take my little Honda through it. He was frustrated with the detour, but I don't think my car would have crossed it and not gotten bogged.

Things are getting back to normal and better around the house now that we're all back from vacation. Of course, Colten didn't have school today so that might wind him up. Now if only I can get some solid hours of sleep.

Mended fences

I mended a friendship fence today. I talked with my babysitter's daughter who lost her baby to pre-term labor 10 days ago. We had a good talk and I'm happy she understood why I was avoiding her after my miscarriage. I gave her a book to help her and she was pleased because it was a book she had wanted because it had been recomended to her (by the same friend who recomended it to me!). When I am sad, I can remember that Taylor has her friend Erin playing with her up in Heaven. Now if I can just get some sleep these next few nights and be ready for all the "bellies" at church on Sunday.

Reflection on 2008

This is something I got from a friend and added my own responses.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?I experienced a late miscarriage.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't have any resolutions but this next year's are to lose at least 10 pounds and to get pregnant again.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?No, unless you count my D&C as birth.

4. Did anyone close to you die?Yes, my baby Taylor at 18W5D

5. What countries did you visit?USA

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A baby

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 6/24- Day I got a BFP, 10/5-My birthday- Day I started spotting, 10/7-Day we found out our baby was dead, 10/8-Date of my D&C

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Battling depression and surviving the MC

9. What was your biggest failure? Getting upset with the kids and hubby so much when depressed.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes, Roto virus in Feb, Depressed summer and fall, Miscarriage in Oct.

11. What was the best thing you bought? New Jeep

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My husband, he is totally selfless in giving me what I want and need.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Mine, I have been a nasty witch much of this year- on and off.

14. Where did most of your money go? My house and my cars

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Nothing really, I was just getting excited about the baby when I lost it.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? "Love Story" by Taylor Swift- I heard it when I realized I was losing the baby.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner, but only by about 10 pounds
c) richer or poorer? Richer in family, poorer with money

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?Exercise and enjoyed every minute of being pregnant.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?Spending time on the computer, surfing the "net", and being a bum.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my family

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?No, already in love with my husband and kids.

22. What was your favorite TV program? "Survivor" and "Amazing Race"

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?Hate is a strong word, so no.

24. What was the best book you read? The "Twilight" saga. I've only read it in the last week too.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Taylor Swift

26. What did you want and get? A bigger vehicle

27. What did you want and not get? My baby to be alive.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Only saw one, "The Dark Knight"

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?I had dinner with my family and started losing Taylor, I turned 30.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Still being pregnant, not feeling jealous of baby bellies.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?Fashion? Whatever was cheap and can be washed in my machine.

32. What kept you sane? Crying, blogging, exercising.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None that I can think of right now.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Education- who would Obama choose and our own Sup. of Ed. race.

35. Who did you miss? My baby, my mom when she was gone camping.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Facebook

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Live every moment to its fullest. That moment might be lost before you know it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "Don't Blink" from Kenney Chesney.

More snow!!

It's now snowing out again, not that the previous three inches from Friday have melted. Will I have school tomorrow?? Will I get off my hill?

Back to work

Now that the weekend is here it is time for me to get back to work. I brought plenty of schoolwork home for vacation, but never was motivated to do it. I'll get to it...tonight. I've got to take the ornaments and decorations down this afternoon, but am enjoying the time alone while the boys are resting. Tomorrow is another busy day and then it's back to work on Monday.

One last day

Today is my last official day of vacation. I know there are two more days left until I go back to work, but it is still a little shocking. I had plans, big plans for all the things I would get done this break. Most of those plans involved working outside in my flowerbeds. I didn't touch them! All the snow and cold temps kept that from happening. I did get Carson's too small clothes put away in the attic yesterday. My mom got me some of those space bags that you vacuum the air out of, and they work great for putting all the clothes in. I didn't use them all, but I did use 8 bags to pack stuff in. The packages were a little awkward to stack in the attic, but they were easier to lift and move than the big diaper boxes I usually pack things in.

Many things still need to be done. I need to put all the Christmas decorations away and write thank you cards for all those gifts from people. I need to correct papers and get to work on school work, but that will likely be done Sunday.

We got propane today!!! I was so happy to see the delivery truck come up our hill. The driver didn't think he could back down the driveway so he parked on the hill and pulled the hose through the trees. It is so nice not to worry about the heat and if the tank will run out or needing to fill the small tanks every other day. This tank should last us until March if we keep using like we have. Hopefully it won't snow too much in March so we can get our delivery on time.

The boys and I were out playing in the snow. Colten loves playing in it, but Carson still just stood and cried. He even started crying before going outside this time. He trips on things hidden in the snow and gets so mad when he falls. He did enjoy holding my hand and walking around for a bit.

Tonight the family is all going to the Spanaway park lights. We got a free ticket in from a friend and even though it is a drive for us, it should be fun, especially since we didn't get to drive around and look at lights on Christmas Eve.

Now that all the holidays are over I've got to get focused back on work. I like how we have intermittent three day weekends or more each month until the end of the school year. Of course my year is now three days longer due to snow!

My happy New Year

The kids were at grandma's for the night and we had no plans for NYE. What were we to do? We went out to dinner and then after went to a friend of Tony's. No big huge party, no annoying drunk people around. Tony and I talked and visited with people and counted down to midnight. A few drinks, a few friends, good times. It was nice. Now I get to go to a playdate at a friend on a wet and rainy day.