Giving up?

So I made an appointment to meet with my doctor the first week in September. It was the only time she had available before school starts. When I went in June her advice for getting pregnant again was to "relax and exercise". Obviously that ISN'T working. So I made an appointment. Bad thing is that even if something is wrong with me, the earliest I would be able to see results would likely be October. October is a bad time of year for me now.

When I lost Taylor I told myself I could wait to get pregnant. I'm goal oriented so I set goals for when I wanted to get pregnant. It worked for all my other pregnancies (except for Taylor who was a complete surprise) My friend was due with a baby in June, I could be knocked up by the time she had her baby, couldn't I? Another friend was trying to get pregnant, and my goal was to get pregnant before or when she did. Yeah, she's into her second trimester now! Then, my goal was to get pregnant before the gal at work did, well, she's 10 weeks today! Then the goal was to get pregnant by the time school starts in Sept. That's not working so well either. Now my goal is to be pregnant by my 31st birthday, because that day is one year from when I started to miscarry.

So after getting off the phone with the doctor this morning Tony asked me very quietly when I was going to stop trying to get pregnant. I want to say never, but I can't be this emotionally stressed each month when it doesn't work. Tony is stressed out too. He told me that he doesn't want another kid, and maybe God doesn't plan for us to have anymore either. I know my husband means well and is worried about me and my strong desire for another child, but it just wasn't what I wanted to hear (of course I'd never want to hear that). So now I sit wondering, when do I give in to God and give up? When will I look at my boys and think our family is complete? When will I be able to pack up all the baby things and get rid of them? I don't know, and I don't want to set a time or a goal for me to give up. But I think I will have to sometime if something doesn't work soon.

Dear Body,

I used to know you so very well. It was nice to understand everything that was going on inside myself and make decisions according to your signs. Well, I'm tired of you giving me mixed signals. I've been trying to get pregnant for 7 cycles, and for each of those cycles you got my hopes up. This last one was the worst though!
Why would you give me nasty nausea, horrible headaches, and painful boobs if I wasn't pregnant. Why would you make my favorite foods chocolate and ice cream unappealing to me if I'm not pregnant! Even worse you got my hopes up by making my period two days late! I can handle the disappointment best if you give me no symptoms at all. Just give me my old two days of PMS moodiness before my period shows and I'll be fine! But to drag my symptoms out and get my hopes up for a week is not helping here!
I'm even following my doctor's recommendation: relax and exercise! Haven't I exercised you enough this last cycle? Was the five pounds I lost (and gained back in bloat) not enough. Was going camping, bike riding, and playing with my boys not relaxing enough? What will it take to get you pregnant!?! How could you go from being super fertile to nine cycles of not? So many other bodies aren't having ANY problems getting pregnant. In fact, most of the girls I know didn't want to be pregnant and can't afford a baby. I know people say it will happen soon, or to pray about it, or even more, God has a plan and it will happen then! But time is running out. I'm looking at a May baby this cycle, if I'm lucky! Has six months not been long enough to give you what you need?
I want to give up on you, but that would mean giving up on having another baby, and I just CAN'T do that. I want another child. I want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child. You've done it twice body, so what is the problem? I want to talk babies and pregnancy with my friends and stop avoiding them. I want to be filled with happiness again, not just partially happy. I want there to be no more weirdness when people look at me and avoid discussing Taylor and my experience. I want to feel alive again with a new life within me.
So body, please, get your act together and work right this time. I'm tired of the ride I'm on and I'm ready for a new one.

Summer fun

Last week we hung out with friends at the park.

Colten saw these frog jello bowls in one of his nature magazines and had to make them. It was a great treat on a hot day!

On Saturday we went swimming at a friend's house. It was hot and fun. Even better, they fed us dinner too!

July 3rd at the river

We spent the day before the 4th at the Satsop River with friends. It was a hot day so hanging out by the river was perfect.

Our friends have quads so the boys (big and small) rode around the area.

At the river the big boys went tubing and the boys looked for crawfish.

At the end of the day we were a little sunburned and hot, but it was a great day.

Camping at Ft. Flagler

We spent last week at Ft. Flagler state park. The weather wasn't the greatest a couple days, but we had a great time.

The beach had a great driftwood fort already built and the boys had a great time playing in it.

This was our humble campsite. Our old trailer is getting too small with all of us in there.

Some friends joined us at camp for several days and brought their boat and crab pots. The boys helped catch 15 rock crab for dinner one night!

This is the boys on one of the big guns left from when the fort was active. It was an anti-aircraft gun that looked out over the eastern side of the island.

This is me with the boys looking at another big gun.

Big boy room

Tony and I worked one night to complete Carson's big boy room. We have been meaning to move him for a while, but waited until school was out. We took the guest room furniture, re-distributed it through the other rooms, and turned the room into a construction, cars, things that move kind of room. While he enjoys playing in it and all the cool road signs (thanks city employee), he doesn't like sleeping in it. We are working to get him to go to sleep as I type, but things are easier typed than accomplished. It will be interesting these next few days to see who wins this battle.

summer fun

Often on summer evenings we build a fire in our pit and the boys roast marshmallows.

Yum! S'mores!

On Sunday the boys and I met my childhood friend, Matt, and his wife and son at Avery Park. It has the neatest old steam engine with a contained coal car. It was great to watch the boys (and my mom) climb all over the train.

The park also has "dinosaur bones" that are concrete formations shaped similar to vertebrae and in a circle. The boys had a blast climbing over them and seeing if they could go from one to another without touching the ground.

After the park the boys and I went to my grandma's house for a party with family. I got to visit with everyone and my boys got to play with my cousins.

We spent the next two days with my grandparents. The boys played in the dirt and played with my cousin's boy Tanner just 6 weeks older than Carson. It was nice to relax and take time to visit with my grandparents. My grandma has been researching her family to find relatives from the revolutionary war. She told me stories about her grandparents and I got to see census copies and read the names of all the children. One ancestor had 18 kids (by two wives)! Another lived to the age of 98 and died in 1832! Longevity runs in the family!

Potty training has been hit and miss with Carson, but he surprised me and did great at the grandparents. Not 100%, but better than before. Now if only he could do that well at home!

We're home now, but will be leaving soon to go camping at Ft. Flagler.