Home, Sweet, Home

I love my house. I really do. It has the right amount of acreage with a wonderful view for this country girl. The inside is just right for my family and the kids and I have enough space to roam and not be crowded. But....
My house is now five years old. That's not old compared to many houses, but for this broke and soon-to-be-divorced mother of three, well, five years is enough for it to show its age. When Tony and I built the house, we knew it wasn't the best quality, but we were getting more square footage in a floor plan we liked than with a custom builder. The initial plan was to wait until the kids stopped destroying the house, then start to slowly update rooms, starting with the kitchen, then the carpet and floors, and finally the master bath.
You might be wondering what could be worn out after only five years? Lots of things. I've got the longest list of home improvements needed and no money to do them. Some of them are simple and easy, and will hopefully get done this summer when I have some time, but others will have a long wait. Most likely a five year wait until I can refinance on my own (or remarry) and buy Tony's share out, or sell. Either way, it's five more years until my kitchen gets renovated.
On the "to do" list for this summer is power-washing and re-staining the front porch. The current sealant has worn away from parts over the years and the boards that never see sun have green stuff growing on them. I've also got the bathroom sink that drains really slow, the vinyl flooring peeling up, shampooing the water stain from the Christmas tree stand, and the leaky kitchen faucet on the list. There is also the constant paint touch ups to hide all the kid and pet marks. Those are the small things.
I've got some big things on the list that I can't do alone or soon. I came home from vacation this last week to find several puppy "puddles" on the laminate flooring and a pile o' poo. The laminate is damaged and warped, and though it's not hugely noticeable, it's not something I can forget about either. For right now I'm going to buy a new area rug to cover up the worst spots and forget about it until I have the time and money. My vinyl flooring can be tacked back down from where it is peeling up, but it will eventually need replacement. Though not the cheapest, it certainly wasn't the highest quality flooring when we built the house. I've been told (thank you Uncle Mike) that if I want to re-do the kitchen, then do the floors at the same time, not before. So I will need to redo the kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room at once. I'm also sure the house will need repainting sometime in the next five years also. It looks great now, but how long will the paint last? And the carpet is stained and very worn throughout the entire house thanks to the kids, pets, and just being a full house.
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm worrying about all this stuff with everything else on my mind right now. This place is more than a house, it's my family's home now, and while Tony and I kept putting off doing any major improvements to it, they would have gotten done eventually. That list of things is even farther away from me right now and if ignored will not help add to the value of the property in five years. So if you know some DIY basics and can offer some time and/or tools this summer, I'd love the help and advice.

Call me crazy

This last weekend was a four (five) day weekend for my family. Where did I go you might ask? Tucson, Arizona to visit my in-laws, with my kids and estranged husband.
See, crazy! Tony and I bought tickets (non-refundable) for this trip back in October. We talked about what to do and decided it would be a cool vacation for the boys and some time for us to spend with them as a family.
It all went surprisingly well. Hotels were great, planes left on time, family members were wonderful and left the subject of our marriage alone. The only thing that could have been better was the weather. The first three days we were in Tucson it was cold, windy, and often raining. Only on Monday was the sun out in full force. It was so nice to feel the sunshine!
Tony and I managed to focus on the kids and keeping them occupied, so we didn't really spend much time alone with each other or even talk about us. Neither of us got much sleep since Carson and Cooper woke us up several times in the night.
My in-laws were wonderful. They fed us, let us stay with them, and even planned out activities for us to do down there. The Desert Museum was windy, but a really great combination zoo/museum. Colten had especially wanted to see tarantulas and rattle snakes while we were visiting and he was able to see plenty of them, all behind glass walls. Carson really liked the turtles and frogs. He even chose a stuffed turtle he calls "Digger" from the gift shop. Colten wanted a cactus so he got a small (4" tall) Saguaro for at home. He already watered it too. We've had the discussion about how he needs to wait an entire month before watering it again.
Another day the boys all went to the Pima Air Museum to look at old airplanes and the girls went to Tubac, an artsy historic town. On the coldest (and windiest) day we got together with Tony's family and my parents to celebrate Carson's 4th birthday. It was simple, but great fun. Carson really liked his cake and didn't complain about not having lit candles (the wind was blowing too hard).
Normally I'd post pictures of the trip, but I left my camera at home. I was able to take pictures with my MIL's camera, but I don't have those yet so you'll have to make do with your imagination. It was interesting to leave the sun and come back to the snow.

The grass isn't always greener

It’s been two weeks since Tony moved out. Things are getting better each day and week that passes. I have been getting used to the “feast or famine” time with the kids. At first the empty house was really unsettling. Each little noise (and there are always strange noises) would make me jump. I’ve tried to get most of the housework done on nights when I don’t have the boys to keep busy. To save money I’ve had to cancel the housekeeper visits for right now, so I’ve been vacuuming, mopping, and scrubbing toilets. I’ve done quick clean ups, but haven’t had to really clean a house in seven years. I’ve even stocked up on “singles” meals from Trader Joes. I am getting used to the quiet and lack of kid noise.

Single parenting is ok, but definitely presents different challenges. Colten has close to an hour of homework and eye therapy a night and Carson and Cooper have a hard time staying occupied for that long. It takes everything I have at the end of a workday to get dinner on the table, homework done, and get boys in bed and keep my sanity. Once everyone is asleep at hopefully the same time, then I race around the house packing and getting ready for the next day. Not much time for just me.

The hardest things to get used to aren’t the cooking or cleaning changes, but the empty spaces. I have to get used to turning around or entering a room and still being startled by the empty space. Missing furniture, missing clothes and shoes, even Tony’s missing toothbrush still gets me. The worst empty space though is the empty space in bed. I’ve had to get used to snuggling up with a body pillow and the cats at night. Even with them I don’t sleep the best.

People ask if I’m getting sleep. I get some sleep, and would likely sleep more if it wasn’t for my interruptions. Tony gets the boys for Sunday through Wednesday morning, but I get Cooper each night. It is great to see all my boys at least once each day, but Cooper isn’t sleeping well, so I’m not sleeping well. I’m lucky to get to bed by 11:00 most nights hopefully don’t fall asleep reading my book each night. I haven’t finished a book in several weeks, and those of you who know me know that is a big deal for me. Cooper often wakes up several times a night, so I’m happy if I get six hours of sleep total. Caffeine is my friend these days.

Trying to provide a house and food for my boys has been one of the biggest challenges of this separation. It’s a good thing I’m VERY creative with budgeting and money so I am able to keep the house for my boys. It doesn’t make it easier though when my wish list has changed drastically in the last month. Last month I was thinking a massage might be nice, now I’ve got so many things that would be really helpful, but are also expensive. What’s on this list you might wonder? It might bother my city friends, but I feel really exposed in the boonies by myself, so one thing I want is a shotgun. Nothing fancy or over the top, but something that I would be able to protect myself and boys with if someone were to get too nosy. I also am realizing that I want to take the boys and bikes down to the trail to ride, but I don’t have a bike rack that will work on my SUV. I need to look into how much a trailer hitch costs to add to the Rodeo and then get a hitch style bike rack. I’ve got a while yet before the weather is great for biking, and can wait a few months until summer gets closer. One other thing I’m going to need before next winter is an electric bed warmer. I just recently discovered that these things exist and am so tired of returning to a cold bed each time I get up with Cooper at night. Even the flannel sheets and duvet cover can’t keep me warm enough. It would be nice to have one of these now, but spring is getting closer and they are pretty expensive, so I’m thinking of waiting until my birthday in the fall. Then I’ll be nice and warm next winter.

It’s so easy to think things would be easier without your other half in the heat of an argument or fight, but it isn’t easier at all. Yes, there is less laundry, dishes, and cooking, but there is also no one else to depend on to do things. In case you’re curious, no the grass is not greener on the other side. Being a single parent isn’t easier for me than it was to be married. I’m a strong person, but I’ve done things these last few weeks that have made me dig deep for that inner strength. It’s not the chores and parenting that require the strength, it’s the loneliness, just wanting another adult to talk to about your day and have there to listen to that is hard. I am also leaning on all my emotional strength to keep a positive mind and not letting the anger and hurt drag me down that dark hole. There are times I do get angry that these changes are happening and I can’t stop it. Two a.m. is usually when angry thoughts sneak into my mind and a part of me wants to make Tony hurt the way I’m hurting. I have to make myself go to sleep and when I wake up, I realize that things aren’t necessarily easier for him. This separation is difficult for both of us and I somehow have to keep that in perspective.

All my friends and family have been a great help this past month. The random calls just “checking in” from friends, the offers of dinner and time to just talk and vent, the flowers, even some class coverage so I could get back on top of everything going on at school, words can’t begin to describe how supported I feel. I can’t say that I’m happy, but I’m much happier than I would be if I had to deal with all this without everyone who’s helped me. I am strong, physically and emotionally, but I am even stronger with all of you helping me.

Carson,

Today you turned four years old. You’ve stopped being a little boy, and are now acting so grown up. I often joke that you are four going on forty. It always amazes me how much like me you are. It drives both your daddy and I crazy. Grandma says that I’m getting what I deserve.

You are the most observant kids. You notice all the little details and of course have to mention them. This attention-to-detail attitude often starts arguments with Colten and when you combine it with your stubbornness, can really try my patience. You also like to be in charge and often tell me what you want or don’t want to do. I’m sure I’ll appreciate this later on in your life, but I don’t want to be told that you don’t want to go to bed or get dressed in the morning. It is difficult to change your mind when it is set on something.

You are not always serious minded. Lately you’ve gotten into telling “potty” jokes. One of your favorite things to do is run around the house yelling, “Coop, Coop, the poop!” about Cooper. Your jokes are always funny to you, but not I don’t always see the humor in them.

Preschool is one thing you really enjoy. You are so smart most of the work is easy for you, but you like going to school and seeing your teacher and other students. You got to take cupcakes the other day and celebrate your birthday. You love doing homework worksheets when Colten is doing his homework and you already want to know your letters and numbers.

You’re not all grown up though. With everything that is going on in our family, you still LOVE your lovey and sucking your thumb. We have butted heads several times about when and when not to suck your thumb. I’m hoping you will lose interest in it once you start school. Last year at this time you were potty trained, even at night, but for a while now you’ve been only day trained. I’m not too stressed out about keeping you dry all night, other than having to buy pull-ups. I’m hoping that this, like the thumb sucking, will be something you’ll grow out of soon.

It is scary sometimes how much you are learning and how fast you are growing up. My little snuggle bug is growing up and I need to try to remember each little moment I can. You were, and still are the best Valentine’s day present I’ve ever gotten. I love you sweet boy.

Six months

My sweet baby Cooper,
You are six months old. How half a year has passed, I don’t know, but the time has gone by too fast. You have changed so much in this last month. You’ve gone from being a “lump” baby to a “moving” baby. You are no longer content to sit in my arms and just watch the world around you. Even the toys on the high chair or exer-saucer bore you. Cooper, you want to be moving! And move you can! You can roll from side to side and can flip so quick, diapering you has become a challenge. You sit up on your own so well and love to look around at the new view. Your favorite thing to do right now is get up on your hands and knees and rock back and forth. You also like to “swim” on your belly with your arms and legs moving as fast as you can. I no longer find you in the same place I put you on the floor. You will roll, turn, and scoot your way over to whatever catches you interest. Soon I will be putting up the baby gates and shutting doors to rooms to keep you contained. Your brothers will quickly realize that most of their toys will need to stay in their rooms if they want to play without you interrupting.
Your hands and feet are still favorite things to chew on, but you are also fascinated by electronics. Cell phones, remotes, games; if it has buttons you want it. As much as you are chewing and drooling I’m sure some teeth will be appearing soon, but you can wait as long as you want to get them.
This last month you also started some solid foods. You’ve had rice and oatmeal cereals so far and are getting the hang of spoon feeding. You will eat a pretty good amount of cereal when you are hungry. I haven’t started fruits or veggies yet, simply because I’m trying to get into the routine of feeding you at every dinner time before I start on new things. I want you to have the skills to eating before spending money on baby food that you will just spit out.
You still love to nurse, but I have had to move my nursing rocker from my room to your room. You do much better without distractions when there is just Mommy who needs your attention. You still wake up several times in the night, but usually just nurse quick and go back to sleep. Speaking of sleep, you are sleeping all the time in your big crib now. You’ve quickly outgrown the cradle, and though you sometimes snuggle and nurse in the night with Mommy, you spend most of the time sleeping in you crib. As frustrating as it is climbing up and down the stairs at night, I still love every minute of your snuggles I can get, even if I’m mostly asleep doing it.
Your temperament is still very go with the flow, though you do show signs of a temper in there when I don’t do what you want fast enough. You don’t have much patience either when there is something you want right then. You do much better in the car seat though. We haven’t taken any long trips recently though, so it could just be the lack of time spent in the seat.

I can't seem to get enough time to just watch how much you grow.

I just did the most difficult thing. I filed the paperwork for a dissolution to my marriage and wrote a really big check to the attorney. I’ve been putting it off for a week or so, but with Tony moving out this last weekend I had to bite the bullet and do it. I don’t want a divorce, but Tony does and I have to agree that our marriage hasn’t been the best this last year. If I put off filing the paperwork or waited for Tony to do it, it would just be one more thing to argue over. I had the money, both Tony and I liked how the attorney worked with us, so I just did it. Things will start rolling now.

A dear aunt sent me an email and told me to refer to Jeremiah 29:11. Ironically, I hadn’t looked it up yet, but a student yesterday had it written out on a book mark and I saw it. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I know that God has a plan for Tony and I. It just won’t be a plan for us together married.

People ask me why I’m not fighting for my marriage. It’s hard to fight someone when they’ve got their mind made up. I can’t force Tony to try counseling. I can’t keep him from moving out. I can’t keep him from finding another attorney, one that doesn’t specialize in calm, collaborative divorces, but likes battles in court. All I can do now is go with the flow, stay calm and levelheaded, and make good decisions for what little of my life is still in my control.

Things have gone well so far this week with the boys staying with Tony. I’ve gotten to have Cooper each night at bedtime so I can nurse him at night. This is nice because I get to see Colten and Carson at bed time, help with homework and say prayers with them. They both seem happy to be spending time with Tony and enjoy being at his house. They are most excited about the bunk beds Tony got for them to sleep in. I’m sure there will be a time of adjustment.

People have been asking me how they can help or what they can pray for me. If you pray for my family, pray for several things. That the boys (and Tony and I) continue to adjust well to our new households and work out complications smoothly. Pray that I am able to keep and open mind and heart. That even though I am hurting, that I don’t use that anger as a weapon against Tony or others, that I stay positive and don’t get bitter. Pray that I don’t let the small stuff get to me. The judgmental or negative comments to get me down. That I can let this process I started today continue to a resolution both Tony and I can be happy with.