Every year October 8th comes up fast and then it hits me...it's that day. Finally, three years after my miscarriage, I can look back and think about how my life changed. Three years ago I was dealing with this. That one day greatly affected my marriage, caused me to lose friends, to have to work hard to keep the friends I did have, to become depressed and wallow in my grief. I can see how much I've changed, as a mom, a wife, and teacher. I've recovered from depression and gone on to have a healthy pregnancy and child. I can say that I'm the happiest I've been since losing Taylor.
But...
Does a mother ever forget the day her baby dies? I get caught up a bit when I see little girls the same age as Taylor would be. Nothing really noticeable to others, but in my mind I stop and imagine having a child that age. And while I'm certainly not wallowing in grief today, I am taking just a few minutes to remember Taylor. Reading over the old blog posts brings back all those thoughts and memories, but today is for remembering the joy a child can bring, even if only for a short time.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Friday, October 8, 2010
It's been a rough road to here
Today marks the two year anniversary of when I miscarried my sweet baby Taylor. Looking back at my old posts from my miscarriage and then from last year, I was so buried in grief and without much hope of getting pregnant again. It has been a long and hard two years to get to this point.
Friends have asked me if having had Cooper has made losing Taylor easier. Having had a successful pregnancy DOES make the grief easier to cope with. Cooper doesn't replace Taylor at all, but does help. I don't think I'll ever forget Taylor or forget this date each year, but I can think about pregnancy in a positive way now.
I sit here now, sleep deprived, cuddling my darling Cooper, and can't help but wonder what I would be doing differently if I had a 18 month old running around too. I don't have much time to sit and wonder, and I don't do it very often anymore, but I do occasionally think about how things might be different. One positive thing: the orchid Tony bought me for Taylor's due date is re-blooming. It is so beautiful to look at and remember my sweet lost angel.
Friends have asked me if having had Cooper has made losing Taylor easier. Having had a successful pregnancy DOES make the grief easier to cope with. Cooper doesn't replace Taylor at all, but does help. I don't think I'll ever forget Taylor or forget this date each year, but I can think about pregnancy in a positive way now.
I sit here now, sleep deprived, cuddling my darling Cooper, and can't help but wonder what I would be doing differently if I had a 18 month old running around too. I don't have much time to sit and wonder, and I don't do it very often anymore, but I do occasionally think about how things might be different. One positive thing: the orchid Tony bought me for Taylor's due date is re-blooming. It is so beautiful to look at and remember my sweet lost angel.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Silently screaming
When people learned of my miscarriage, the phrase most said in sympathy was, "It was meant to be." I've thought about what that phrase means for a year. Does it mean that it is better that my baby died than be born, or does it mean that God wanted my baby to die?
A question was asked on the pregnancy loss boards that made me think. What series of events did my miscarriage put into play for the better. Some ladies said they were able to get jobs with better insurance or benifits so when they do have a baby, they will be better able to care for it. Others shared that their faith has grown stronger.
This entire last year my dream of getting pregnant again is what kept me going and wading through my grief of losing Taylor. Now that dream is gone, my hope is gone, and lots of my faith is gone. I could say that I appreciate the children I have and my wonderful husband, but in many ways, my life is very much the same as it was a year ago.
In some ways I think I am worse than last year. Pregnant women and babies such a strong sadness in me that I will go to extreme lengths to avoid any contact with them. So many of my friends are pregnant or have babies I have very little communication with any of them. Instead of praying for healing and a new pregnancy, I've lost all hope and faith. I no longer think about when I'll get pregnant, but instead wonder in a sad way if I'll ever have the joy of being pregnant again.
Some days I feel like I'm lost at sea, and that everyone who was with me has been rescued. Their prayers have been answered, but mine haven't. I'm still floundering, trying just to keep my head above water some days wondering if it will ever end. I feel like I'm screaming and crying for help but there are no help coming. The only answers I get are from those women lost in the same water; some there longer than me and weakened more by infertility. Does anyone hear me? Do they not know how to help, or are they tired of hearing about my grief?
So many people have told me to pray, or have faith, or just trust that God has a plan, and I've been trying so much to keep that, but knowing now that I won't be pregnant and able to share the experience with my close friends, that I won't have a baby for at least another year, has destroyed the hope and faith that I had in my body and in God's plan. Other people told me to accept the blessings I've got (my boys) and be happy with that. I once was talking with a friend about how much I wanted to be pregnant and another baby. She said that maybe I couldn't have anymore children. When the conversation happened last spring, I told her that of course I would get pregnant! I ALWAYS got pregnant easy. Now I'm realizing how much she was right. The chances of me getting pregnant again are getting slimmer with every failed cycle I have. I have to be happy with what I've got, and stop wishing for unfulfilled dreams.
A question was asked on the pregnancy loss boards that made me think. What series of events did my miscarriage put into play for the better. Some ladies said they were able to get jobs with better insurance or benifits so when they do have a baby, they will be better able to care for it. Others shared that their faith has grown stronger.
This entire last year my dream of getting pregnant again is what kept me going and wading through my grief of losing Taylor. Now that dream is gone, my hope is gone, and lots of my faith is gone. I could say that I appreciate the children I have and my wonderful husband, but in many ways, my life is very much the same as it was a year ago.
In some ways I think I am worse than last year. Pregnant women and babies such a strong sadness in me that I will go to extreme lengths to avoid any contact with them. So many of my friends are pregnant or have babies I have very little communication with any of them. Instead of praying for healing and a new pregnancy, I've lost all hope and faith. I no longer think about when I'll get pregnant, but instead wonder in a sad way if I'll ever have the joy of being pregnant again.
Some days I feel like I'm lost at sea, and that everyone who was with me has been rescued. Their prayers have been answered, but mine haven't. I'm still floundering, trying just to keep my head above water some days wondering if it will ever end. I feel like I'm screaming and crying for help but there are no help coming. The only answers I get are from those women lost in the same water; some there longer than me and weakened more by infertility. Does anyone hear me? Do they not know how to help, or are they tired of hearing about my grief?
So many people have told me to pray, or have faith, or just trust that God has a plan, and I've been trying so much to keep that, but knowing now that I won't be pregnant and able to share the experience with my close friends, that I won't have a baby for at least another year, has destroyed the hope and faith that I had in my body and in God's plan. Other people told me to accept the blessings I've got (my boys) and be happy with that. I once was talking with a friend about how much I wanted to be pregnant and another baby. She said that maybe I couldn't have anymore children. When the conversation happened last spring, I told her that of course I would get pregnant! I ALWAYS got pregnant easy. Now I'm realizing how much she was right. The chances of me getting pregnant again are getting slimmer with every failed cycle I have. I have to be happy with what I've got, and stop wishing for unfulfilled dreams.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Remembering my baby
Today is a day for remembering. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Candles are lit around the world at 7:00 pm and burn for an hour (or longer) to create a wave of light shining around the world.
I remember this day last year, still overwhelmed with my grief. It was my first day back at work after my miscarriage. I lit a candle last year for Taylor and all the other babies lost.
This year I've lit two candles, one for Taylor, and one for all the babies of friends and family who have lost ones. I'm still dealing with my grief and have the additional frustrations of infertility added. I am taking just a few minutes think about all I lost one day a year ago.
And for all my fellow bloggers from whom I've taken these images, please don't be mad, they are truely incredible pictures.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
My Dear Friends
Since I've been planning to stop trying for a baby, I've been a bad friend. I've been distancing myself from everything pregnancy and baby related, which includes some close friends who are pregnant. I've pretty much stopped all communication with them. I don't read their blogs, talk to them or see them. A few emails and notes have been all these last few months. I know my family is worried that I'm breaking some special friendships, and I don't have an abundance of friends. I HAD to do this though. I've got some nasty bitterness inside me, since I'm not getting pregnant, and I didn't want to say or do something that would destroy a friendship.
Thankfully, those three dear friends, who are all due in the next 6 months, are understanding where I'm at right now. I've gotten letters and notes from them saying they understand why I can't share their pregnancy joys right now. It is so very reassuring that these are truely wonderful friends to have and I'm sure I will be friends with them again, just not right now. So, you know who you are, but THANK YOU. It means so much to me that you are helping me get through this. :)
Thankfully, those three dear friends, who are all due in the next 6 months, are understanding where I'm at right now. I've gotten letters and notes from them saying they understand why I can't share their pregnancy joys right now. It is so very reassuring that these are truely wonderful friends to have and I'm sure I will be friends with them again, just not right now. So, you know who you are, but THANK YOU. It means so much to me that you are helping me get through this. :)
When Hope and Prayer Aren't Working...
...you give up. I know I've talked about it before, but I am giving up on getting pregnant. The stress of trying to get pregnant is causing too much stress in my marriage and consumes too much of my time. I've spent the last four weeks (since my last period) accepting that a 2010 baby is not going to happen for me. It is a decision I've been facing since we started trying last spring. Now that I'm experiencing secondary, unexplained infertility and my doctor thinks fertility drugs are the answer, I am instead stepping back from the stress and medication. I hate taking even minor pain meds, so I am very cautious to jump on idea of fertility treatments. Part of me thinks that if all my prayers and the prayers of friends and family haven't helped me out, drugs certainly won't.
All of you praying for me, you can pray for me to be able to put this dream aside and find happiness in the children I have. We may try to get pregnant, later next spring, but for right now, we are preventing getting pregnant again (not that my body needs any help with that).
All of you praying for me, you can pray for me to be able to put this dream aside and find happiness in the children I have. We may try to get pregnant, later next spring, but for right now, we are preventing getting pregnant again (not that my body needs any help with that).
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The worst day of my life
One year ago today, at almost 19 weeks pregnant, I got the worst news I'd ever had: my baby had died four weeks before. I've been remembering all the "What was I doing a year ago" memories since June. Since an "oops" turned into an unplanned pregnancy, then into a much wanted baby. My fears of a miscarriage (almost everyone I know in my family has had one) to my joy of seeing a heartbeat at 11 weeks, to spotting and my world came crashing down around me.
I'd had fears of miscarrying Taylor since I first looked at the pregnancy test. Almost everyone in my family has had a miscarriage of one kind or another. I remember praying every night for God to let my baby be healthy, and every visit to the doctor it was. 12 weeks is the "magic" number when most women think they are past the "miscarriage point". Supposedly the risks of a miscarriage are only 5% after seeing a healthy heartbeat and making past 12 weeks. I was one of that 5%. I'd read blogs about miscarriage and remember thinking something just wasn't right. I'd been feeling sick for most of September last year, but I chalked it up to a busy start of school and the stress of being outdoor school coordinator. I even remember standing around for an emergency drill at school and thinking my baby was sitting really low and feeling like I was close to going into labor, then talking myself out of it and mad for thinking those thoughts. How scary to think that I was right.
On September 10, 2008 I had a normal healthy baby check up and heard a strong heartbeat. Just three days later my baby would stop growing and it's heart would stop. On October 5th, my birthday, I would start spotting. Not enough to worry a nurse or doctor, but enough to worry me. Two days later the spotting turned to red and a call to the OB nurse forced me to accept reality. "Have you been feeling regular fetal movement?" she had asked. Well of course I'd been feeling regular movement, the baby had been kicking me for the past few weeks hadn't it! I told her "I think I've been feeling it." and I started sobbing, doubting every time I had thought I felt movement.
I was supposed to have my "big" ultrasound, the one when I find out the sex of the baby. Tony and I had always wanted to be surprised, but with Taylor, we wanted to know. Instead of finding out the sex, we found out our baby had died. There was no heartbeat on the screen. You know things are bad when the ultrasound tech doesn't tell you anything, just keeps frantically taking measurements then sends you back to talk to your doc. Tony had been watching the screen for any sign of movement or life, and got to see our baby for the last time. I only wish I had been able to see it too. We opted to have a D&C the following day.
The following day both mine and Tony's parents left on vacation and I had surgery. It was awful. I fit into my normal clothes the next day and gave my maternity clothes to a friend who was expecting.
My grief for my dead baby has consumed me at times during this last year. Friends and family have been very supportive, but I will always grieve for my baby. I've battled the anger, sadness, and grief through friends pregnancies, unwanted advice, and now, my own infertility battles. Our loss has made my marriage stronger, and the stress of trying for another has almost destroyed it.
If you had asked me the day after my surgery what I would be doing a year from then, I would have told you I'd be hugely pregnant and happy. Here I sit, 365 days later, with an empty uterus and unknown infertility, an empty room filled with baby stuff, with everyone else around me blissfully pregnant. I can't see friends I used to see all the time, I can barely go to church with everyone pregnant or with new babies. Even watching movies is difficult. I rarely sleep through an entire night, and a year later, crying is still a daily activity. This blog has even evolved from a place to post my family pictures, to a place for me to get all my frustrations and grief out, a place to really share how I feel, and a few comments from its readers.
I have plenty of regrets, but would never wish I hadn't been pregnant. I wish I had seen that sad and final ultrasound. Most of all, I wish I was writing about my 7 month old baby's new skills and not my dead baby.
*Re-reading all my old posts from a year ago (to do the hyperlinks) has shown me just how happy I was before my miscarriage and how much my life has changed in just one year.
I'd had fears of miscarrying Taylor since I first looked at the pregnancy test. Almost everyone in my family has had a miscarriage of one kind or another. I remember praying every night for God to let my baby be healthy, and every visit to the doctor it was. 12 weeks is the "magic" number when most women think they are past the "miscarriage point". Supposedly the risks of a miscarriage are only 5% after seeing a healthy heartbeat and making past 12 weeks. I was one of that 5%. I'd read blogs about miscarriage and remember thinking something just wasn't right. I'd been feeling sick for most of September last year, but I chalked it up to a busy start of school and the stress of being outdoor school coordinator. I even remember standing around for an emergency drill at school and thinking my baby was sitting really low and feeling like I was close to going into labor, then talking myself out of it and mad for thinking those thoughts. How scary to think that I was right.
On September 10, 2008 I had a normal healthy baby check up and heard a strong heartbeat. Just three days later my baby would stop growing and it's heart would stop. On October 5th, my birthday, I would start spotting. Not enough to worry a nurse or doctor, but enough to worry me. Two days later the spotting turned to red and a call to the OB nurse forced me to accept reality. "Have you been feeling regular fetal movement?" she had asked. Well of course I'd been feeling regular movement, the baby had been kicking me for the past few weeks hadn't it! I told her "I think I've been feeling it." and I started sobbing, doubting every time I had thought I felt movement.
I was supposed to have my "big" ultrasound, the one when I find out the sex of the baby. Tony and I had always wanted to be surprised, but with Taylor, we wanted to know. Instead of finding out the sex, we found out our baby had died. There was no heartbeat on the screen. You know things are bad when the ultrasound tech doesn't tell you anything, just keeps frantically taking measurements then sends you back to talk to your doc. Tony had been watching the screen for any sign of movement or life, and got to see our baby for the last time. I only wish I had been able to see it too. We opted to have a D&C the following day.
The following day both mine and Tony's parents left on vacation and I had surgery. It was awful. I fit into my normal clothes the next day and gave my maternity clothes to a friend who was expecting.
My grief for my dead baby has consumed me at times during this last year. Friends and family have been very supportive, but I will always grieve for my baby. I've battled the anger, sadness, and grief through friends pregnancies, unwanted advice, and now, my own infertility battles. Our loss has made my marriage stronger, and the stress of trying for another has almost destroyed it.
If you had asked me the day after my surgery what I would be doing a year from then, I would have told you I'd be hugely pregnant and happy. Here I sit, 365 days later, with an empty uterus and unknown infertility, an empty room filled with baby stuff, with everyone else around me blissfully pregnant. I can't see friends I used to see all the time, I can barely go to church with everyone pregnant or with new babies. Even watching movies is difficult. I rarely sleep through an entire night, and a year later, crying is still a daily activity. This blog has even evolved from a place to post my family pictures, to a place for me to get all my frustrations and grief out, a place to really share how I feel, and a few comments from its readers.
I have plenty of regrets, but would never wish I hadn't been pregnant. I wish I had seen that sad and final ultrasound. Most of all, I wish I was writing about my 7 month old baby's new skills and not my dead baby.
*Re-reading all my old posts from a year ago (to do the hyperlinks) has shown me just how happy I was before my miscarriage and how much my life has changed in just one year.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Ever again?
This week marks the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. Each day reminds me of what I was doing one year ago. Last year at this time I was 18 weeks pregnant and recieved a necklace
like this one for my birthday. I was thrilled to recieve it because I had admired them and always wanted one. I was able to enjoy it for three days. I wore it to church and to school two days, all three days I was having light spotting. I haven't worn it since then. I just can't.
The necklace is tucked in it's original box, in the bottom drawer of my jewelry box, waiting, just waiting for the time when I have three live children and can wear it. I just didn't think it would still be tucked away one year after my loss.
I'm just hoping I can make it through this week with my birthday and all the sad memories that surround it. I'm already an emotional crying wreck, and I'm sure it's only going to get worse as the days go on. Part of me would like to disappear for the week, or completely turn off all thoughts about what happened a year ago. I could do that, but I also feel that if there is anytime to open up my heart and mind to all the sad memories, and REALLY remember my baby in the right way, being sad and crying only reminds me how much I cared about Taylor.
like this one for my birthday. I was thrilled to recieve it because I had admired them and always wanted one. I was able to enjoy it for three days. I wore it to church and to school two days, all three days I was having light spotting. I haven't worn it since then. I just can't.The necklace is tucked in it's original box, in the bottom drawer of my jewelry box, waiting, just waiting for the time when I have three live children and can wear it. I just didn't think it would still be tucked away one year after my loss.
I'm just hoping I can make it through this week with my birthday and all the sad memories that surround it. I'm already an emotional crying wreck, and I'm sure it's only going to get worse as the days go on. Part of me would like to disappear for the week, or completely turn off all thoughts about what happened a year ago. I could do that, but I also feel that if there is anytime to open up my heart and mind to all the sad memories, and REALLY remember my baby in the right way, being sad and crying only reminds me how much I cared about Taylor.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
"How can I pray for you?"
I've been asked this question many times this past year. I started out asking for prayer to accept the loss of Taylor. Last spring I asked for prayer that I get pregnant soon. This summer I asked for answers to know what was causing my infertility issues. I was asked this question last week, and I didn't know how to respond.
How can you pray for me? Pray for:
-my friends with babies and bellies to understand why I don't want to see them, read their blogs or facebook updates, or talk to them right now, and I don't know when I will.
-that I can get over this bitterness and anger I'm feeling right now towards all things baby related
-that friends and family stop giving unwelcome advice. It is obvious after 8 failed months that relaxing, supplements, alternative health care (accupuncture & chiropractic) DON'T WORK. Most of you don't know what I'm experiencing and since even my doctor no longer knows what's wrong, STOP telling to try something that worked for you, your friend, etc..
-that next week goes quickly and I cope with my one year anniversary of Taylor's death
-I stop crying daily when I have time to stop and think
-that I can someday re-friend all my pregnant friends that I've removed from my facebook
-I can grieve and get through the loss of my dream of wanting another baby
-for my husband to know what an amazing partner he has been this last year, especially putting up with my wild hormones and trying for another baby when he doesn't want another
-for my doctor to have some answers why this last year has been happening to me. I already know I'm healthy, tell me something new!
-that I can be happy again and stop stressing about things I can't control
So instead of asking me what you can pray for, pray for something on this list. I'm trying to stop stressing and telling people constantly that I'm "fine" is getting old.
How can you pray for me? Pray for:
-my friends with babies and bellies to understand why I don't want to see them, read their blogs or facebook updates, or talk to them right now, and I don't know when I will.
-that I can get over this bitterness and anger I'm feeling right now towards all things baby related
-that friends and family stop giving unwelcome advice. It is obvious after 8 failed months that relaxing, supplements, alternative health care (accupuncture & chiropractic) DON'T WORK. Most of you don't know what I'm experiencing and since even my doctor no longer knows what's wrong, STOP telling to try something that worked for you, your friend, etc..
-that next week goes quickly and I cope with my one year anniversary of Taylor's death
-I stop crying daily when I have time to stop and think
-that I can someday re-friend all my pregnant friends that I've removed from my facebook
-I can grieve and get through the loss of my dream of wanting another baby
-for my husband to know what an amazing partner he has been this last year, especially putting up with my wild hormones and trying for another baby when he doesn't want another
-for my doctor to have some answers why this last year has been happening to me. I already know I'm healthy, tell me something new!
-that I can be happy again and stop stressing about things I can't control
So instead of asking me what you can pray for, pray for something on this list. I'm trying to stop stressing and telling people constantly that I'm "fine" is getting old.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Finally did it
I cleaned up what was Carson's old room and was hoped to be a baby's room this year. Carson's been out of his crib and in his big boy room since June, so I finally found the motivation to put everything baby away. All summer long my plan was to sand and paint my old toybox to match the dresser and book shelf already in the room. I kept thinking that I would get pregnant by the end of summer and so not to put everything up or take it apart.
Since that never happened, and the toybox never got painted, I decided today to simply put it all up. All my cloth diapers, stuffed animals, baby bedding and Noah's Ark theme stuff is packed up and in the closet. I even took apart the crib. It won't fit in the closet with everything else in there, but the room no longer looks like I should walk in with a baby any minute.
Colten was very concerned to see me taking the crib apart and wanted to know what the baby will sleep in. I didn't have the heart to explain to him that there likely won't be a baby to sleep in it. Since I haven't gotten pregnant in the 7 months we've been trying, I'm certainly not likely to get pregnant in the next 7 months either. The soonest I would ever need any of that stuff (if ever again) would be spring of 2011. Putting it all away was a big move but a good one. Maybe I'll get around to selling it eventually, but it might take another year for me to give up all hope to do that.
Since that never happened, and the toybox never got painted, I decided today to simply put it all up. All my cloth diapers, stuffed animals, baby bedding and Noah's Ark theme stuff is packed up and in the closet. I even took apart the crib. It won't fit in the closet with everything else in there, but the room no longer looks like I should walk in with a baby any minute.
Colten was very concerned to see me taking the crib apart and wanted to know what the baby will sleep in. I didn't have the heart to explain to him that there likely won't be a baby to sleep in it. Since I haven't gotten pregnant in the 7 months we've been trying, I'm certainly not likely to get pregnant in the next 7 months either. The soonest I would ever need any of that stuff (if ever again) would be spring of 2011. Putting it all away was a big move but a good one. Maybe I'll get around to selling it eventually, but it might take another year for me to give up all hope to do that.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Ravings of an infertile insomniac
It's 3:30 a.m. and I am unable to sleep, again. I'm also unable to stop crying. My whole being right now would like nothing more than to curl up in a tight ball around my aching heart, so tight conscious thought is impossible. Even though I went to the doctor today to find more answers, all I've got is more questions, and anger. If you had told me a year ago that I would be up nights, unable to sleep due to my body's failure to work properly, I'd have laughed in your face. I'd probably have told you I'd more likely be up nursing a teething baby. How wrong I'd have been.
Even though my period isn't here, I know for sure that this cycle was a bust. On to #9. I never realized how hurtful comments from friends and family are when you want nothing better than to be pregnant.
"Just relax and it'll happen."
"Maybe you're just not doing it right."
"Have you tried (Fill in the latest idea from acupuncture to herbal supplements), it worked for someone I know."
and my ALL time favorite "Once you stop trying so hard you'll get knocked up."
While all my friends mean well, all the comments do is remind me more of how my body isn't working right.
I feel so very alone in a world of babies and bellies right now. All my friends who were trying to get pregnant now are, with the exception of one. All I see everywhere I go, the fair, the store, the worst is my doc's office, are babies and bellies; a constant reminder of how much I've lost this last year. I'm so tired of the reminders I'm avoiding people I know and want to avoid any holiday or meeting that I know pregnant people will be at. I'd like to hide in my hole until I can prove that my body DOES work and isn't defective. Each month I think, "Maybe I can go to the girl's brunch and at least tolerate seeing babies and the bellies. I'll be pregnant myself so I can join the conversation and not feel sad." But then that cycle ends in a failure and I crash and try to pull it together enough to be normal.
Secondary infertility is the worst infertility to have (in my honest opinion). I've gotten pregnant effortlessly THREE times! Why should getting an egg and sperm to meet be so difficult when it has even happened by accident before? My doctor at least now doesn't think it is just me needing to relax and exercise. I've lost 13 pounds! That's almost 10% of my body weight! If that doesn't get me knocked up, well, something else is wrong.
I went in and gave blood for more testing today. My doctor was checking my levels of progesterone, prolactin, and my thyroid. Nothing that hasn't already been checked in the last year. This time though, she thinks my progesterone levels are too low and that I'm conceiving each cycle, but my hormones won't sustain it. That's right, I'm not totally crazy thinking I'm pregnant each cycle. Chance are that I am, for 7-8 short days, and then my hormones kill it. It just KILLS ME to know that with a simple prescription I could be very pregnant now instead of empty. My doctor is also planning to put me on clomid to ensure my body is doing all it can to get healthy eggs released at the right time.
So I'm not pregnant one year after my baby has died. I still have too many days like today, when I burst into tears spontaneously, even in my sleep like tonight, with my heart hurting in the most painful of ways. And while I am at a loss as to how to get my body to work, everyone around me is at a loss as to how to make me feel better. Even my wonderful husband doesn't know what to say, he just holds me as I sob and cry my frustrations out.
And all I can think about is, "When is this all going to end?" When someone mentions taking a break from all things baby related for a while, I just want to scream. Part of me is determined that I WILL get pregnant THIS cycle. Something new will work, it has to. Even more, I have to ask myself if I can step away and let it all go. Can I stop thinking about what my body is doing and what I should be doing to help it? I don't know if I can. Several wise people have told me to just let it go and give myself to God' plan. I've tried that too. My plan hasn't worked for 7 months, but leaving it all up to God in my mind means giving up trying for me. Can I do that? Can I really stop thinking about my cycle and just not be trying? In my mind that almost means that I'm not wanting another pregnancy, another baby. Can you just stop that deep wanting? Do I not try my doctor's plan? I don't know what to do. I'm torn between my options, and deep down I'm just so very sad. I'd rather be curled up around my sleeping baby than curled up around my aching heart.
*I'm out of tissues, so it's time to go back to bed before starting another day, and while I know most of you who read this mean well, your comments and advice make YOU feel better about my situation, but very rarely do they make me feel less like a failure. Please don't hurt me more by thinking you know how I feel and offering suggestions. I get enough of that from other sources. Just understand why I don't want to see some of you and your perfect, beautiful lives when mine is just a bloody mess. I've got enough pregnant women and babies I see every day to remind me of just how defective my body really is.
Even though my period isn't here, I know for sure that this cycle was a bust. On to #9. I never realized how hurtful comments from friends and family are when you want nothing better than to be pregnant.
"Just relax and it'll happen."
"Maybe you're just not doing it right."
"Have you tried (Fill in the latest idea from acupuncture to herbal supplements), it worked for someone I know."
and my ALL time favorite "Once you stop trying so hard you'll get knocked up."
While all my friends mean well, all the comments do is remind me more of how my body isn't working right.
I feel so very alone in a world of babies and bellies right now. All my friends who were trying to get pregnant now are, with the exception of one. All I see everywhere I go, the fair, the store, the worst is my doc's office, are babies and bellies; a constant reminder of how much I've lost this last year. I'm so tired of the reminders I'm avoiding people I know and want to avoid any holiday or meeting that I know pregnant people will be at. I'd like to hide in my hole until I can prove that my body DOES work and isn't defective. Each month I think, "Maybe I can go to the girl's brunch and at least tolerate seeing babies and the bellies. I'll be pregnant myself so I can join the conversation and not feel sad." But then that cycle ends in a failure and I crash and try to pull it together enough to be normal.
Secondary infertility is the worst infertility to have (in my honest opinion). I've gotten pregnant effortlessly THREE times! Why should getting an egg and sperm to meet be so difficult when it has even happened by accident before? My doctor at least now doesn't think it is just me needing to relax and exercise. I've lost 13 pounds! That's almost 10% of my body weight! If that doesn't get me knocked up, well, something else is wrong.
I went in and gave blood for more testing today. My doctor was checking my levels of progesterone, prolactin, and my thyroid. Nothing that hasn't already been checked in the last year. This time though, she thinks my progesterone levels are too low and that I'm conceiving each cycle, but my hormones won't sustain it. That's right, I'm not totally crazy thinking I'm pregnant each cycle. Chance are that I am, for 7-8 short days, and then my hormones kill it. It just KILLS ME to know that with a simple prescription I could be very pregnant now instead of empty. My doctor is also planning to put me on clomid to ensure my body is doing all it can to get healthy eggs released at the right time.
So I'm not pregnant one year after my baby has died. I still have too many days like today, when I burst into tears spontaneously, even in my sleep like tonight, with my heart hurting in the most painful of ways. And while I am at a loss as to how to get my body to work, everyone around me is at a loss as to how to make me feel better. Even my wonderful husband doesn't know what to say, he just holds me as I sob and cry my frustrations out.
And all I can think about is, "When is this all going to end?" When someone mentions taking a break from all things baby related for a while, I just want to scream. Part of me is determined that I WILL get pregnant THIS cycle. Something new will work, it has to. Even more, I have to ask myself if I can step away and let it all go. Can I stop thinking about what my body is doing and what I should be doing to help it? I don't know if I can. Several wise people have told me to just let it go and give myself to God' plan. I've tried that too. My plan hasn't worked for 7 months, but leaving it all up to God in my mind means giving up trying for me. Can I do that? Can I really stop thinking about my cycle and just not be trying? In my mind that almost means that I'm not wanting another pregnancy, another baby. Can you just stop that deep wanting? Do I not try my doctor's plan? I don't know what to do. I'm torn between my options, and deep down I'm just so very sad. I'd rather be curled up around my sleeping baby than curled up around my aching heart.
*I'm out of tissues, so it's time to go back to bed before starting another day, and while I know most of you who read this mean well, your comments and advice make YOU feel better about my situation, but very rarely do they make me feel less like a failure. Please don't hurt me more by thinking you know how I feel and offering suggestions. I get enough of that from other sources. Just understand why I don't want to see some of you and your perfect, beautiful lives when mine is just a bloody mess. I've got enough pregnant women and babies I see every day to remind me of just how defective my body really is.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Looking back
One year ago today I heard my baby's heartbeat. It was the last time I knew my baby was healthy and well. Soon in the week that followed, the heart would stop and it would take three weeks for me to realize it.
I'm feeling really pretty good these days. School has started well and I've been trying to embrace relaxing and going with God's plan. I can't help but feel out of place though. So many of my friends and acquaintances are now pregnant, showing, and due in the near future. I'm so very happy for my friends, but feel very awkward around them. I hope it gets easy in the future.
I'm feeling really pretty good these days. School has started well and I've been trying to embrace relaxing and going with God's plan. I can't help but feel out of place though. So many of my friends and acquaintances are now pregnant, showing, and due in the near future. I'm so very happy for my friends, but feel very awkward around them. I hope it gets easy in the future.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
What a difference a year makes
One year ago this week I saw my "summer surprise" for the first time. The baby was healty with arms and legs and a strong heartbeat at almost 12 weeks. My biggest worry that day was if I was having twins (my mom had a dream) I remember rushing over to my school right after the ultrasound and announcing it to my HR person and principals.
I clearly remember voicing my fears of a miscarriage to my doctor and clinging to the news that there was a less than 5% chance of miscarrying after seeing the heartbeat. Tony and I started telling all the world our news, having no clue how fast that would change in 6 short weeks. How I wish I could go back to that day and still have the innocence and joy I felt then.
I clearly remember voicing my fears of a miscarriage to my doctor and clinging to the news that there was a less than 5% chance of miscarrying after seeing the heartbeat. Tony and I started telling all the world our news, having no clue how fast that would change in 6 short weeks. How I wish I could go back to that day and still have the innocence and joy I felt then.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Giving up?
So I made an appointment to meet with my doctor the first week in September. It was the only time she had available before school starts. When I went in June her advice for getting pregnant again was to "relax and exercise". Obviously that ISN'T working. So I made an appointment. Bad thing is that even if something is wrong with me, the earliest I would be able to see results would likely be October. October is a bad time of year for me now.
When I lost Taylor I told myself I could wait to get pregnant. I'm goal oriented so I set goals for when I wanted to get pregnant. It worked for all my other pregnancies (except for Taylor who was a complete surprise) My friend was due with a baby in June, I could be knocked up by the time she had her baby, couldn't I? Another friend was trying to get pregnant, and my goal was to get pregnant before or when she did. Yeah, she's into her second trimester now! Then, my goal was to get pregnant before the gal at work did, well, she's 10 weeks today! Then the goal was to get pregnant by the time school starts in Sept. That's not working so well either. Now my goal is to be pregnant by my 31st birthday, because that day is one year from when I started to miscarry.
So after getting off the phone with the doctor this morning Tony asked me very quietly when I was going to stop trying to get pregnant. I want to say never, but I can't be this emotionally stressed each month when it doesn't work. Tony is stressed out too. He told me that he doesn't want another kid, and maybe God doesn't plan for us to have anymore either. I know my husband means well and is worried about me and my strong desire for another child, but it just wasn't what I wanted to hear (of course I'd never want to hear that). So now I sit wondering, when do I give in to God and give up? When will I look at my boys and think our family is complete? When will I be able to pack up all the baby things and get rid of them? I don't know, and I don't want to set a time or a goal for me to give up. But I think I will have to sometime if something doesn't work soon.
When I lost Taylor I told myself I could wait to get pregnant. I'm goal oriented so I set goals for when I wanted to get pregnant. It worked for all my other pregnancies (except for Taylor who was a complete surprise) My friend was due with a baby in June, I could be knocked up by the time she had her baby, couldn't I? Another friend was trying to get pregnant, and my goal was to get pregnant before or when she did. Yeah, she's into her second trimester now! Then, my goal was to get pregnant before the gal at work did, well, she's 10 weeks today! Then the goal was to get pregnant by the time school starts in Sept. That's not working so well either. Now my goal is to be pregnant by my 31st birthday, because that day is one year from when I started to miscarry.
So after getting off the phone with the doctor this morning Tony asked me very quietly when I was going to stop trying to get pregnant. I want to say never, but I can't be this emotionally stressed each month when it doesn't work. Tony is stressed out too. He told me that he doesn't want another kid, and maybe God doesn't plan for us to have anymore either. I know my husband means well and is worried about me and my strong desire for another child, but it just wasn't what I wanted to hear (of course I'd never want to hear that). So now I sit wondering, when do I give in to God and give up? When will I look at my boys and think our family is complete? When will I be able to pack up all the baby things and get rid of them? I don't know, and I don't want to set a time or a goal for me to give up. But I think I will have to sometime if something doesn't work soon.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Dear Body,
I used to know you so very well. It was nice to understand everything that was going on inside myself and make decisions according to your signs. Well, I'm tired of you giving me mixed signals. I've been trying to get pregnant for 7 cycles, and for each of those cycles you got my hopes up. This last one was the worst though!
Why would you give me nasty nausea, horrible headaches, and painful boobs if I wasn't pregnant. Why would you make my favorite foods chocolate and ice cream unappealing to me if I'm not pregnant! Even worse you got my hopes up by making my period two days late! I can handle the disappointment best if you give me no symptoms at all. Just give me my old two days of PMS moodiness before my period shows and I'll be fine! But to drag my symptoms out and get my hopes up for a week is not helping here!
I'm even following my doctor's recommendation: relax and exercise! Haven't I exercised you enough this last cycle? Was the five pounds I lost (and gained back in bloat) not enough. Was going camping, bike riding, and playing with my boys not relaxing enough? What will it take to get you pregnant!?! How could you go from being super fertile to nine cycles of not? So many other bodies aren't having ANY problems getting pregnant. In fact, most of the girls I know didn't want to be pregnant and can't afford a baby. I know people say it will happen soon, or to pray about it, or even more, God has a plan and it will happen then! But time is running out. I'm looking at a May baby this cycle, if I'm lucky! Has six months not been long enough to give you what you need?
I want to give up on you, but that would mean giving up on having another baby, and I just CAN'T do that. I want another child. I want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child. You've done it twice body, so what is the problem? I want to talk babies and pregnancy with my friends and stop avoiding them. I want to be filled with happiness again, not just partially happy. I want there to be no more weirdness when people look at me and avoid discussing Taylor and my experience. I want to feel alive again with a new life within me.
So body, please, get your act together and work right this time. I'm tired of the ride I'm on and I'm ready for a new one.
Why would you give me nasty nausea, horrible headaches, and painful boobs if I wasn't pregnant. Why would you make my favorite foods chocolate and ice cream unappealing to me if I'm not pregnant! Even worse you got my hopes up by making my period two days late! I can handle the disappointment best if you give me no symptoms at all. Just give me my old two days of PMS moodiness before my period shows and I'll be fine! But to drag my symptoms out and get my hopes up for a week is not helping here!
I'm even following my doctor's recommendation: relax and exercise! Haven't I exercised you enough this last cycle? Was the five pounds I lost (and gained back in bloat) not enough. Was going camping, bike riding, and playing with my boys not relaxing enough? What will it take to get you pregnant!?! How could you go from being super fertile to nine cycles of not? So many other bodies aren't having ANY problems getting pregnant. In fact, most of the girls I know didn't want to be pregnant and can't afford a baby. I know people say it will happen soon, or to pray about it, or even more, God has a plan and it will happen then! But time is running out. I'm looking at a May baby this cycle, if I'm lucky! Has six months not been long enough to give you what you need?
I want to give up on you, but that would mean giving up on having another baby, and I just CAN'T do that. I want another child. I want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child. You've done it twice body, so what is the problem? I want to talk babies and pregnancy with my friends and stop avoiding them. I want to be filled with happiness again, not just partially happy. I want there to be no more weirdness when people look at me and avoid discussing Taylor and my experience. I want to feel alive again with a new life within me.
So body, please, get your act together and work right this time. I'm tired of the ride I'm on and I'm ready for a new one.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Passing of time
Time passes differently for me these days. Everyday is related to what I was doing a year ago, how old Taylor would be now, and how pregnant my friends are.
One year ago today I took a home pregnancy test and my life was to be forever changed, I just didn't know how much. I remember looking at the positive test and being in shock. I was surprised, angry, and after calming down a bit, a little happy. I had always wanted another baby, but had planned to get pregnant in June of 2009, not 2008! I was angry that things hadn't gone according to my plan and was worried about what I would do with my toddler still in diapers and the crib. I remember feeling those things for quite a while. Fast forward to now. I was so looking forward to having good news to share, but I'm sitting here experiencing cramps and proof that this last cycle of trying didn't work.
Colten has been at Bible school all this week at church. They had a dinner last night for all the kids and families. It was interesting to watch the other parents with babies close to the age Taylor would have been. It was interesting to think about how I would have been dealing with a 3 month old, in addition to my 2 year old and 6 year old last night.
Also at dinner were friends who got pregnant right after my miscarriage and are due any day now. It is sad to think that almost 9 months has passed since then. If someone had told me a year ago how that pregnancy would end and how I would spend my spring and summer having trouble trying to get pregnant, I wouldn't have believed a word they said. Many other friends got pregnant when I started trying for another pregnancy, and they are now moving on to their second trimester and finding out if they are having a boy or girl. It is so hard to talk with them and not think I would be experiencing that if only it had worked then.
I'm losing hope and finding it difficult to even want to keep trying. After 6 failed cycles, I'm just not sure if I want to keep trying. It is too painful everytime my body lets me know it's failed. Sorry to be such a downer, but I just can't keep thinking it will finally work when it isn't.
One year ago today I took a home pregnancy test and my life was to be forever changed, I just didn't know how much. I remember looking at the positive test and being in shock. I was surprised, angry, and after calming down a bit, a little happy. I had always wanted another baby, but had planned to get pregnant in June of 2009, not 2008! I was angry that things hadn't gone according to my plan and was worried about what I would do with my toddler still in diapers and the crib. I remember feeling those things for quite a while. Fast forward to now. I was so looking forward to having good news to share, but I'm sitting here experiencing cramps and proof that this last cycle of trying didn't work.
Colten has been at Bible school all this week at church. They had a dinner last night for all the kids and families. It was interesting to watch the other parents with babies close to the age Taylor would have been. It was interesting to think about how I would have been dealing with a 3 month old, in addition to my 2 year old and 6 year old last night.
Also at dinner were friends who got pregnant right after my miscarriage and are due any day now. It is sad to think that almost 9 months has passed since then. If someone had told me a year ago how that pregnancy would end and how I would spend my spring and summer having trouble trying to get pregnant, I wouldn't have believed a word they said. Many other friends got pregnant when I started trying for another pregnancy, and they are now moving on to their second trimester and finding out if they are having a boy or girl. It is so hard to talk with them and not think I would be experiencing that if only it had worked then.
I'm losing hope and finding it difficult to even want to keep trying. After 6 failed cycles, I'm just not sure if I want to keep trying. It is too painful everytime my body lets me know it's failed. Sorry to be such a downer, but I just can't keep thinking it will finally work when it isn't.
Friday, June 19, 2009
How long is enough?
Yesterday was my last day of school. Everyone keep asking me if I was happy my school year was over. I gave an honest response and said I was, it was a rough year, from October on it was tough. Many people would take that comment as it was rough because of the students I had, but many others would pause and remember what happened in October, my miscarriage. Though people wouldn't say anything, they would give me a look like shouldn't you be over that by now?
There's some things I just need to get out. It wasn't just yesterday's looks, but also other things that have made me ask how long is long enough to grieve? There is no definite answer, but I'll tell you 8 months later, I'm still grieving.
Miscarriage is one of the least talked about things in our society today. Statistics show that around 25% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage, that's a lot! But so many people hide their miscarriage and grief and as a society we are less than sympathetic to mothers who have experienced a miscarriage. Phrases such as It was meant to be, You'll have other children, and worse At least it happened early don't help a mother grieve at all, it hurts them! And before you think that these things were told to me by people not close to me, think again. Parents and relatives were the ones who told me these things most. Granted, they were from a different generation, one when miscarrying mothers were told to get pregnant quick and forget their dead baby; at time when miscarrying was often something secretive and shameful.
Tony has been wonderful and supportive these lone 8 months, but even he wonders when will I be done being sad. He has been sad at times too, but he looks at me and just wants me to be happy again with him. One of our pastors told him that put it all into perspective for him. If Colten or Carson had been killed in an accident, how long would you be sad? It made Tony realize that I am still grieving our child, just as I would be grieving if one of my other children had died. Parents of older children who die have pictures of those children and often the place of burial to visit and grieve. Parents of miscarriages have ultrasound pictures if they are lucky.
So before you judge me and wonder why is she writing yet AGAIN about grief? Why can't she just get over it! Think that each time I write about miscarriage, I am remembering Taylor. It doesn't matter if you were pregnant for 5 weeks or 5 months, you grieve the loss of that life, and will always think about how things might have been different. Know also that while I am remembering Taylor, I am also doing well. I'm enjoying my boys and life and look forward to this summer. I once described my grief as a cliff I was climbing and would often lose my grip and fall back. I can now see the top and it is within reach. It has just taken me 8 long months to get there.
There's some things I just need to get out. It wasn't just yesterday's looks, but also other things that have made me ask how long is long enough to grieve? There is no definite answer, but I'll tell you 8 months later, I'm still grieving.
Miscarriage is one of the least talked about things in our society today. Statistics show that around 25% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage, that's a lot! But so many people hide their miscarriage and grief and as a society we are less than sympathetic to mothers who have experienced a miscarriage. Phrases such as It was meant to be, You'll have other children, and worse At least it happened early don't help a mother grieve at all, it hurts them! And before you think that these things were told to me by people not close to me, think again. Parents and relatives were the ones who told me these things most. Granted, they were from a different generation, one when miscarrying mothers were told to get pregnant quick and forget their dead baby; at time when miscarrying was often something secretive and shameful.
Tony has been wonderful and supportive these lone 8 months, but even he wonders when will I be done being sad. He has been sad at times too, but he looks at me and just wants me to be happy again with him. One of our pastors told him that put it all into perspective for him. If Colten or Carson had been killed in an accident, how long would you be sad? It made Tony realize that I am still grieving our child, just as I would be grieving if one of my other children had died. Parents of older children who die have pictures of those children and often the place of burial to visit and grieve. Parents of miscarriages have ultrasound pictures if they are lucky.
So before you judge me and wonder why is she writing yet AGAIN about grief? Why can't she just get over it! Think that each time I write about miscarriage, I am remembering Taylor. It doesn't matter if you were pregnant for 5 weeks or 5 months, you grieve the loss of that life, and will always think about how things might have been different. Know also that while I am remembering Taylor, I am also doing well. I'm enjoying my boys and life and look forward to this summer. I once described my grief as a cliff I was climbing and would often lose my grip and fall back. I can now see the top and it is within reach. It has just taken me 8 long months to get there.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Finding Hope
Whenever anyone experiences loss, there is usually anger and frustration involved. I've been frustrated and angry at so many things these last few weeks: my body, new babies and newly pregnant friends, even God. I know it is a normal part of the grieving process, but I don't like the ME I am when I'm full of anger. So I'm trying to find hope, in everything.
Hope is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had". I've been praying for many months to get pregnant, to be happy, to be a good friend and mom, but it hasn't happened. I don't know if it is just all part of God's timing, or my own snarky pesimistic nature, but I haven't been happy. So last week I stopped praying for the baby I want, and instead prayed for hope. Each and every time I feel the familiar anger well up at the new baby at church, or another friend who is pregnant, I pray that God gives me hope. For now it is working. I can't say I'm happy, but I'm on my way there.
Hope is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had". I've been praying for many months to get pregnant, to be happy, to be a good friend and mom, but it hasn't happened. I don't know if it is just all part of God's timing, or my own snarky pesimistic nature, but I haven't been happy. So last week I stopped praying for the baby I want, and instead prayed for hope. Each and every time I feel the familiar anger well up at the new baby at church, or another friend who is pregnant, I pray that God gives me hope. For now it is working. I can't say I'm happy, but I'm on my way there.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day Reflection
I didn't go to church today. They were doing baby dedications and the sermon is usually about mothers. Much as I love my church, I just couldn't go and watch the babies today. This was the day we had Carson dedicated two years ago, and is the day we should have dedicated Taylor. So I stayed home and enjoyed my morning.
As far as mother's days go, this was one of the best. When you are a mom, it is easy to think that you want the "Hallmark moment" mother's days. You know, the kind where the mom gets to sleep in, is fed breakfast in bed, then is presented with some lavish card and jewelry. Well, my morning wasn't that, but it was a great morning to be a mom. I woke up before Tony, but the boys woke up late so I did get to sleep in. I spent time snuggled up on the couch with both boys watching Disney cartoons. A simple cereal breakfast for all of us and the boys headed outside. I got to catch up on some reading and then out to attack more weeds. Carson has been fussy this morning, but it is nice to be needed. Later today we are off to Tony's Aunt's house.
One thing has been going through my mind all day: I am so very blessed. I am blessed with healthy, happy children and a wonderful husband who is a wonderful father. In thinking about all the things I have, it is hard not to think about things that are lost. I can't help but think about how this day could have been different; I could have been awakened bright and early to nurse my baby instead of sleeping in. As blessed as I am, it is difficult not to be jealous of all the babies out there. I'm hating my body for making this cycle different and am just wishing I were pregnant.
As far as mother's days go, this was one of the best. When you are a mom, it is easy to think that you want the "Hallmark moment" mother's days. You know, the kind where the mom gets to sleep in, is fed breakfast in bed, then is presented with some lavish card and jewelry. Well, my morning wasn't that, but it was a great morning to be a mom. I woke up before Tony, but the boys woke up late so I did get to sleep in. I spent time snuggled up on the couch with both boys watching Disney cartoons. A simple cereal breakfast for all of us and the boys headed outside. I got to catch up on some reading and then out to attack more weeds. Carson has been fussy this morning, but it is nice to be needed. Later today we are off to Tony's Aunt's house.
One thing has been going through my mind all day: I am so very blessed. I am blessed with healthy, happy children and a wonderful husband who is a wonderful father. In thinking about all the things I have, it is hard not to think about things that are lost. I can't help but think about how this day could have been different; I could have been awakened bright and early to nurse my baby instead of sleeping in. As blessed as I am, it is difficult not to be jealous of all the babies out there. I'm hating my body for making this cycle different and am just wishing I were pregnant.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I got gypped
I've been awake since 2 am, and just can't get back to sleep. I know, there are many things out there to help, but since I can't get my brain to shut down long enough for me to sleep, I'll stew over everything going on in my life.
I was at the bank today and out of all the checkers, I got the one that was pregnant. It still bothers me, not in the since that I should be X weeks, because I'm over that, but the reminder of how life gypped me. Miscarriage is all about losing what could have been. I could have been sleepless tonight because of a six week old not sleeping through the night. I could have nursed them back to sleep and snuggled back in bed wondering when they will sleep through the night and if they will let me sleep when I go back to work after materinty leave.
Instead, I'm worrying about why I can't sleep, why I'm a hormonal mess, why I can't be happy for all the pregnant women out there without being just a little bit jealous, why I'm not pregnant yet, and mostly why my baby died. Why did Taylor have to die? I know the logical reasons, but logic isn't around before 6 am. I worry about my friendships I've let go and if I'll ever be able to repair the damage I've caused, about the new friendships I've formed through losing Taylor, and will those get damaged if I get pregnant, and mostly, if I'll ever be able to look at a child close to Taylor's age and not tear up thinking Taylor would be X months or years old now. My baby would be doing __________ right now. As a teacher I wonder if 12 years down the road I'll still think that each time one of my students has a March birthday.
I don't want to "forget" anything about Taylor, but I want to stop hurting so much. I think getting pregnant again will help in some ways, but make things worse in others. When will I stop thinking about the should haves, could haves, would haves instead of the I now haves? When will I find some peace with what happened and stop causing myself heartache with these thoughts? The biggest pain of having a miscarriage is realizing how a future was lost with that child, that child was gypped out of life, and you were gypped out of parenting them, with all the joy and sleepless nights that would go along.
I was at the bank today and out of all the checkers, I got the one that was pregnant. It still bothers me, not in the since that I should be X weeks, because I'm over that, but the reminder of how life gypped me. Miscarriage is all about losing what could have been. I could have been sleepless tonight because of a six week old not sleeping through the night. I could have nursed them back to sleep and snuggled back in bed wondering when they will sleep through the night and if they will let me sleep when I go back to work after materinty leave.
Instead, I'm worrying about why I can't sleep, why I'm a hormonal mess, why I can't be happy for all the pregnant women out there without being just a little bit jealous, why I'm not pregnant yet, and mostly why my baby died. Why did Taylor have to die? I know the logical reasons, but logic isn't around before 6 am. I worry about my friendships I've let go and if I'll ever be able to repair the damage I've caused, about the new friendships I've formed through losing Taylor, and will those get damaged if I get pregnant, and mostly, if I'll ever be able to look at a child close to Taylor's age and not tear up thinking Taylor would be X months or years old now. My baby would be doing __________ right now. As a teacher I wonder if 12 years down the road I'll still think that each time one of my students has a March birthday.
I don't want to "forget" anything about Taylor, but I want to stop hurting so much. I think getting pregnant again will help in some ways, but make things worse in others. When will I stop thinking about the should haves, could haves, would haves instead of the I now haves? When will I find some peace with what happened and stop causing myself heartache with these thoughts? The biggest pain of having a miscarriage is realizing how a future was lost with that child, that child was gypped out of life, and you were gypped out of parenting them, with all the joy and sleepless nights that would go along.
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