Here I sit, all alone tonight, wondering what on earth the psycho hormone fairy hit me with today. I've had normal PMS type symptoms today, but the tears also won't stop. Tony and I were able to go shopping for gifts and enjoy a dinner out tonight, but on the way to the mall I start tearing up over some stupid Christmas song. Not that I hadn't heard it before, and it wasn't even specifically about pregnancy or new baby like some songs are. I managed to keep it together and don't even know if Tony noticed I was crying.
I was fine through the mall and the pregnant waitress at the restaurant. But when we went to Target, it was rough. Seeing all the new baby stuff, even though I avoided that area, and passing the maternity clothes, it all made me think back two years to the same night of shopping (it's becoming a yearly thing) but being 7 months pregnant with Carson. I remembered cooing and looking at all the baby stuff and debating with Tony about if it was a boy or a girl. Toys "R" us was just as bad.
Then standing there in the checkout line I was looking at one of those tabloid magazines and saw that the country singer Brad Paisley and his wife are expecting again in April. I point it out to Tony and he says that she was pregnant on the country music awards show and I should know that. It is a celebrity for goodness sake, but I'm upset by it. I was pregnant the same time the couple was last time, and was expecting this, but not ready for my reaction. Why am I so stupid about these things???
Thinking back, Thanksgiving was nice and simple this year. Sadly, while I'm appreciative of the many blessings I have, I'm not as thankful as I know I should be this year. I keep thinking back to when I first discovered I was pregnant and how I was wishing the timing were different and how could it have happened. I think back to how happy I was that I would have more time to potty train Carson and he would have more time in his crib. I know that my baby was really messed up and is probably better off being an angel now instead of having a short time here, but I can't be thankful that I'm not pregnant now, when I would be so thankful if I were 6 months pregnant. I had just started looking forward and really wanting to bond with this baby, and then it was gone.
And so I sit at home, with my husband gone to a party and my kids at their grandma's for the night, wishing I had some wine or tasty drink so I could blunk (drunk blogging) my feelings out instead of feeling this hole inside of me. If Thanksgiving was this bad, what will Christmas be like? And there's church to face in the morning.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Gingerbread Update
9 houses made
9 more to go
3 hours of baking so far
much easier without my children "helping" me
9 more to go
3 hours of baking so far
much easier without my children "helping" me
Friday, November 28, 2008
The Chaos Starts
The holidays have officially started. Not because Thanksgiving has passed, but because it is gingerbread time at my house. I've started our annual race to bake 20 gingerbread houses before next weekend. Thankfully this year everyone seems really busy so we only have 20 houses to make. The past few years have been crazy with up to 45 houses to make in one weekend!
I enjoy baking the gingerbread and the house smells so yummy, just like Christmas. I've got two little helpers who want their hands in everything, but can really do nothing to help. Frustrating for all people all around. I've gotten the first 5 houses done, and plan to do more tonight. It is physically exhausting to roll out the dough. The dough is do stretchy, and needs to be a very thin 1/4 in layer, my hands and arms are getting their workout. I know once they start shaking, put the stuff away and take a break.
We had pork chops last night for Thanksgiving dinner. It was kind of nice not having to cook and rush places. Tonight our family is going to visit Jenny and her family. I'm only needing to make mashed potatoes and a green salad. So easy for me.
I enjoy baking the gingerbread and the house smells so yummy, just like Christmas. I've got two little helpers who want their hands in everything, but can really do nothing to help. Frustrating for all people all around. I've gotten the first 5 houses done, and plan to do more tonight. It is physically exhausting to roll out the dough. The dough is do stretchy, and needs to be a very thin 1/4 in layer, my hands and arms are getting their workout. I know once they start shaking, put the stuff away and take a break.
We had pork chops last night for Thanksgiving dinner. It was kind of nice not having to cook and rush places. Tonight our family is going to visit Jenny and her family. I'm only needing to make mashed potatoes and a green salad. So easy for me.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
kicking kaffeine!
I decided yesterday to give up caffeine, again. I've never been a big coffee drinker but with all the stress of the last four months I've been having a Chai tea or diet Dr. Pepper each work morning. I kept telling myself I'd quit sometime and that day was yesterday. I also rationalized that I only allowed myself one drink of tea or pop per day, and never after lunch. It hit me over the weekend how expensive this habit of mine was. The pop wasn't that expensive because I buy the big pack, but I was tired of feeling like I had to have something, not just wanting to. So I quit. It's been ok so far. No major headaches or anything, but I've noticed I sleep better. I'm tired and ready to sleep at night, but I sleep all night through. No waking up at 2 am with my brain over analyzing each thing to do the next day. The sleep is good because with trying to lose weight I've given up my before bed snack and have been eating smaller portions for meals during the day. That means that if I do wake up at night I am starving so much I can't get back to sleep without getting up and eating something. This no caffeine thing could just be better for my health and not just my wallet.
My days this week are some of the best since the miscarriage. I'm motivated, working hard, and getting work done, not just doing mindless things but not really working. I've needed to get stuff done because report cards go out Tuesday. I have only one last batch of papers to grade this weekend and then just entering the grades and comments on the report cards. The next round of my pet project reward program starts up again on Monday so I'm stressing to get all the paper work ready to print and copy that morning.
I still think about my baby daily, and still cry at small things, but the hurt and anger are fading slowly. Tony and I are keeping it simple this year for Thanksgiving and are celebrating with friends on Friday. I'm hoping to write Christmas cards this weekend and get gardening done also. I'm still anxious about going to church on Sunday, but I think I'll be nervous about that for a while. I shouldn't be nervous, but that is the place I am most anxious about going, not pregnant. Strange, but at least it's not the grocery store or mall, then I'd never eat or shop.
My days this week are some of the best since the miscarriage. I'm motivated, working hard, and getting work done, not just doing mindless things but not really working. I've needed to get stuff done because report cards go out Tuesday. I have only one last batch of papers to grade this weekend and then just entering the grades and comments on the report cards. The next round of my pet project reward program starts up again on Monday so I'm stressing to get all the paper work ready to print and copy that morning.
I still think about my baby daily, and still cry at small things, but the hurt and anger are fading slowly. Tony and I are keeping it simple this year for Thanksgiving and are celebrating with friends on Friday. I'm hoping to write Christmas cards this weekend and get gardening done also. I'm still anxious about going to church on Sunday, but I think I'll be nervous about that for a while. I shouldn't be nervous, but that is the place I am most anxious about going, not pregnant. Strange, but at least it's not the grocery store or mall, then I'd never eat or shop.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Two steps forward, one step back
Most days now are good. I'm slowly becoming the nice loving mommy and wife that disappeared five months ago. I'm a better teacher and friend too. But some days are still so hard. Last night and this morning were very teary and tough.
Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine who is 21 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her, she's lost two babies before, but I can't help but wish we were pregnant together still. I remember talking this summer about how much fun it would be to have a "friend" for my baby, and how we were both wanting girls (she has 3 boys). We also talked about how these were both surprise pregnancies for us. Now my friend has my old maternity clothes and is feeling her baby move and squirm, and mine is dead and at a bio hazard waste site. I'm happy for my friend, I am, but it was difficult to hear her talking about how she was feeling. I was the one asking questions about her pregnancy so it was my own fault.
I survived my first day back at church since I lost the baby. I was there one day in October, but was working in the nursery, not in the congregation. Today was my lucky day, mostly. There was only one pregnant gal in church and she sat on the other side of the room. I didn't even notice her until the service was almost over. People who knew of our loss were happy to see us and happy we were healthy. The hardest part was when the service was over. I passed all these people who had known I was pregnant, but I hadn't talked to in weeks. I looked at them, but didn't stop to say hi or chat. The new babies and bellies were out and about after service also. I just wanted to get home, quickly.
Tony thinks that I should be over these feelings towards pregnant women by now, and that if I'm not, then I need mental help. I don't know when I'll stop feeling jealous of babies and bellies. I can't say when I'll be over it. Just being me, I suspect it will be closer to spring, when my due date was and when I can look forward to getting pregnant again.
Right now I'm trying to keep myself from wallowing in grief and getting down. I've realized it can happen so quick and easy. It is so tough to force myself to get up and do something, anything active. I've decided I'd like to lose 10 pounds, 15 would be better. I'm determined to start doing yoga each morning before I go to work, and still do a cardio workout several days a week. That's a start.
The other tough part is the food I eat. Holidays are the worst time for me to stick to a healthy diet. If I can stick it out (mostly) this year, I'll be better off for the rest of winter. I've noticed that the worse I eat, the more depressed I get, so I'm sticking to the homemade food, and shunning the sweets and ice cream. Chocolate is one thing I am willing to give in to though, so some small Dove Promises satisfy my daily craving.
Today I pulled weeds and labeled plants in my flowerbed for a workout. I've always put off whacking the old dead plants and weeding around them until the spring. This last spring I was weeding and wound up pulling up some of my spring bulbs! That motivated me to label all my plants, because lots of my bulbs are starting to sprout now. It sure looks better than it did and hopefully it will result in fewer weeds in the spring and summer. Tony did notice that I started with the side of the house that no one sees, and the front beds are still a mess. I plan to attack those next weekend since I'm sticking around for the weekend.
Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine who is 21 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her, she's lost two babies before, but I can't help but wish we were pregnant together still. I remember talking this summer about how much fun it would be to have a "friend" for my baby, and how we were both wanting girls (she has 3 boys). We also talked about how these were both surprise pregnancies for us. Now my friend has my old maternity clothes and is feeling her baby move and squirm, and mine is dead and at a bio hazard waste site. I'm happy for my friend, I am, but it was difficult to hear her talking about how she was feeling. I was the one asking questions about her pregnancy so it was my own fault.
I survived my first day back at church since I lost the baby. I was there one day in October, but was working in the nursery, not in the congregation. Today was my lucky day, mostly. There was only one pregnant gal in church and she sat on the other side of the room. I didn't even notice her until the service was almost over. People who knew of our loss were happy to see us and happy we were healthy. The hardest part was when the service was over. I passed all these people who had known I was pregnant, but I hadn't talked to in weeks. I looked at them, but didn't stop to say hi or chat. The new babies and bellies were out and about after service also. I just wanted to get home, quickly.
Tony thinks that I should be over these feelings towards pregnant women by now, and that if I'm not, then I need mental help. I don't know when I'll stop feeling jealous of babies and bellies. I can't say when I'll be over it. Just being me, I suspect it will be closer to spring, when my due date was and when I can look forward to getting pregnant again.
Right now I'm trying to keep myself from wallowing in grief and getting down. I've realized it can happen so quick and easy. It is so tough to force myself to get up and do something, anything active. I've decided I'd like to lose 10 pounds, 15 would be better. I'm determined to start doing yoga each morning before I go to work, and still do a cardio workout several days a week. That's a start.
The other tough part is the food I eat. Holidays are the worst time for me to stick to a healthy diet. If I can stick it out (mostly) this year, I'll be better off for the rest of winter. I've noticed that the worse I eat, the more depressed I get, so I'm sticking to the homemade food, and shunning the sweets and ice cream. Chocolate is one thing I am willing to give in to though, so some small Dove Promises satisfy my daily craving.
Today I pulled weeds and labeled plants in my flowerbed for a workout. I've always put off whacking the old dead plants and weeding around them until the spring. This last spring I was weeding and wound up pulling up some of my spring bulbs! That motivated me to label all my plants, because lots of my bulbs are starting to sprout now. It sure looks better than it did and hopefully it will result in fewer weeds in the spring and summer. Tony did notice that I started with the side of the house that no one sees, and the front beds are still a mess. I plan to attack those next weekend since I'm sticking around for the weekend.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
All normal, kinda
My tests came back all normal. Now I get to sit and wait until I feel normal again. Who knows how long that will take. Tony's got the tummy bug now, but everyone else in the house is healthy, at least for today. Carson's cut all his eye-teeth, so now he has no excuse for being such a crab. If only his clock had reset at daylight savings time, then maybe we could sleep in longer than 5:30 am!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
More answers, more questions
I went to the doctor today, again, about the spotting problem. She was really great about looking at my charts and listening to every possibility for why I'm still spotting. She said that she doesn't think I have an infection because I'm not tender or sore at all. She also doesn't think I have any retained materials that the D &C may have missed. She did have my blood drawn to test for thyroid problems and for other hormone levels. If those are a problem, then we have answers and medicine to fix them. After learning how stressed out my body has been the last few weeks between sick children, being sick myself, and work, she said my body might be taking longer to "reset" because of that stress. Hopefully my family will be healthy for a while and I'll magically get grades done fast for report cards next week.
My doc also said that if the tests all come back "normal" then wait a few more weeks and see if the spotting stops. If it doesn't, then she has something for me to take that will manually hit the "reset" for my body. At least there is some help at the end of all this spotting.
The answer I was hoping for I didn't get. I asked my doc about the genetic testing and if the results were back. She said they were, but that the results were that they didn't get the baby tissue to regrow to actually do karyotype testing. So now Tony and I have no answers to all the questions that have been lurking in our minds these past six weeks. We have no answer for the "WHY???" From the beginning I didn't think anything would grow. It's tough to grow tissue that's been dead for three weeks. I was hoping/dreading getting the karyotype answers though. I wanted to know what the sex of our baby was. I wanted to name it and have some finality as to why that baby died. I was dreading the results because of the possibility of it being Turner's syndrome. If it was Turner's, Tony and I would not try for another baby.
I really want another baby. Not to replace the one that died, but to complete our family. It is just a matter of time now; for my body and mind to heal, for me to open myself up to the possibility of loss again.
My doc also said that if the tests all come back "normal" then wait a few more weeks and see if the spotting stops. If it doesn't, then she has something for me to take that will manually hit the "reset" for my body. At least there is some help at the end of all this spotting.
The answer I was hoping for I didn't get. I asked my doc about the genetic testing and if the results were back. She said they were, but that the results were that they didn't get the baby tissue to regrow to actually do karyotype testing. So now Tony and I have no answers to all the questions that have been lurking in our minds these past six weeks. We have no answer for the "WHY???" From the beginning I didn't think anything would grow. It's tough to grow tissue that's been dead for three weeks. I was hoping/dreading getting the karyotype answers though. I wanted to know what the sex of our baby was. I wanted to name it and have some finality as to why that baby died. I was dreading the results because of the possibility of it being Turner's syndrome. If it was Turner's, Tony and I would not try for another baby.
I really want another baby. Not to replace the one that died, but to complete our family. It is just a matter of time now; for my body and mind to heal, for me to open myself up to the possibility of loss again.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
More Puke
So last night proved that our family is still battling illness of some sort. Just as Carson has been getting over the stomach bug, Colten began puking. He puked all night long. Tony came home from his friend's early and stayed up all night with him. It was literally all night. They were still awake every time I went upstairs to check on them. I took control of Carson at 6:30 when he woke up and sent the others to bed. Tony slept for a while and Colten slept most of the day. I was up a good part of the night because while I'm not puking, I'm still hanging out close to the toilet. If Tony wasn't keeping me up by rinsing the puke bowl out and flushing the toilet regularly, then my own need to rush to the bathroom woke me up. I did get a pretty good nap today though.
I'm bummed that I just don't have the energy to do much. I was supposed to work in the church nursery today, but called in sick. I didn't want to expose everyone there to this bug. That would be awful. I did take Carson to my mom's so it would be quiet for the big boys to sleep longer. I haven't eaten much today and don't really feel like it. I'm thinking dinner will be my FIL's turkey soup from the freezer. It will make everyone feel better. Yesterday I was so motivated to get yard work done and today I was going to alternate between yard work and correcting, but that just isn't happening. Maybe next weekend.
I'm bummed that I just don't have the energy to do much. I was supposed to work in the church nursery today, but called in sick. I didn't want to expose everyone there to this bug. That would be awful. I did take Carson to my mom's so it would be quiet for the big boys to sleep longer. I haven't eaten much today and don't really feel like it. I'm thinking dinner will be my FIL's turkey soup from the freezer. It will make everyone feel better. Yesterday I was so motivated to get yard work done and today I was going to alternate between yard work and correcting, but that just isn't happening. Maybe next weekend.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Where is the "reset" button???
I was just starting to think my life might somehow be getting back to normal. Good old "Aunt Flow" showed up right on time and I was excited to get my body and hormones back under my control, or so I thought! Yesterday I was is a really pissy mood all morning long, even when I was driving in to work I was fuming mad because they weren't going fast enough.
Then at lunch I went to the bathroom and saw it. Blood, more spotting, similar to when this entire mess started. So I called up my doc's office, left a detailed message for the nurse, and waited anxiously all afternoon for the return call. The nurse must not have heard the phone number I left, because she called Tony's cell (my old one) and after explaining everything to two receptionists, I finally get the nurse. My doc wasn't in yesterday, but the nurse asked all the questions and took notes of all the details I shared and went to talk to the doc who was there. I wasn't worried about getting a different doc's opinion, because the one that was there was the doc for all the high risk patients, and I really respected his opinion. I was told to watch the spotting over the weekend and made an appointment for Tuesday, during the day.
So now I get to worry about all this for the weekend, and then get to cram all my questions and impatience into one short meeting on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll be back at school in time for my 5th period class. I would have asked for a better timed appointment but my doc is booked solid for the next three weeks and the office was able to squish me in at that time. I don't want to be the whiny patient or have to wait three weeks to get answers to this problem. I do want to find out what is happening with my body and also ask my doc about if they have received the genetic testing results. It will have been almost 6 weeks on Tuesday, and I still have yet to hear back.
I just want to hit "reset" for my body to go back to the routine it has had for years, and stop the bleeding and hormone surges. It's almost like my body forgets it's not pregnant anymore and then when it realized there is no baby, it starts spotting again. I need to be level headed and feel in control of my body right now, not thinking that something is still wrong with all of this.
I was at aerobics this morning and heard from my mom about how a teacher in my old district had just lost a baby to SIDS when it was 6 weeks old. My mom and her friend were talking to me about how it was a blessing my baby died when it did and I didn't have to go through that experience. It just made me mad, that they would say things like that. I know they were trying to be supportive, but they weren't at all. Yes, I know it is better for my baby to have died when it did, because it most likely had a serious genetic flaw and wouldn't have had a great life. I know that it would be worse for me if I had gone most or all of the pregnancy and have something like that happen. I've read the stories of babies who have lived only days or weeks, and felt the pain those mom's go through. On the flip side, I think it was just insensitive to talk about my baby dying being good. What would have been good is me being 6 months pregnant now, not fighting with my body to get back to "normal".
There is a part of me that really wants to get pregnant again, soon. That's the impractical, hormonal, crazy person that sneaks out when my defenses are down. The one that's becoming glued to the blogs and boards of the dead baby mamas out there. Then I have to stop and realize that not only is my body not ready to be pregnant again, but my mind isn't either. Being a teacher I have to put some thought into when I want to have a baby. I keep going back and forth in my mind about how I could have a winter baby, but it wouldn't be as convenient as spring. I also am trying to keep in mind how pregnant I would want to be this summer and going to outdoor school next fall. I know I don't want to be hugely pregnant then, but that's as far as I'm certain about. That at least makes me hold off trying to get pregnant until this spring. Part of me prays that I can wait patiently, but another part waits for God to give me another surprise.
Then at lunch I went to the bathroom and saw it. Blood, more spotting, similar to when this entire mess started. So I called up my doc's office, left a detailed message for the nurse, and waited anxiously all afternoon for the return call. The nurse must not have heard the phone number I left, because she called Tony's cell (my old one) and after explaining everything to two receptionists, I finally get the nurse. My doc wasn't in yesterday, but the nurse asked all the questions and took notes of all the details I shared and went to talk to the doc who was there. I wasn't worried about getting a different doc's opinion, because the one that was there was the doc for all the high risk patients, and I really respected his opinion. I was told to watch the spotting over the weekend and made an appointment for Tuesday, during the day.
So now I get to worry about all this for the weekend, and then get to cram all my questions and impatience into one short meeting on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll be back at school in time for my 5th period class. I would have asked for a better timed appointment but my doc is booked solid for the next three weeks and the office was able to squish me in at that time. I don't want to be the whiny patient or have to wait three weeks to get answers to this problem. I do want to find out what is happening with my body and also ask my doc about if they have received the genetic testing results. It will have been almost 6 weeks on Tuesday, and I still have yet to hear back.
I just want to hit "reset" for my body to go back to the routine it has had for years, and stop the bleeding and hormone surges. It's almost like my body forgets it's not pregnant anymore and then when it realized there is no baby, it starts spotting again. I need to be level headed and feel in control of my body right now, not thinking that something is still wrong with all of this.
I was at aerobics this morning and heard from my mom about how a teacher in my old district had just lost a baby to SIDS when it was 6 weeks old. My mom and her friend were talking to me about how it was a blessing my baby died when it did and I didn't have to go through that experience. It just made me mad, that they would say things like that. I know they were trying to be supportive, but they weren't at all. Yes, I know it is better for my baby to have died when it did, because it most likely had a serious genetic flaw and wouldn't have had a great life. I know that it would be worse for me if I had gone most or all of the pregnancy and have something like that happen. I've read the stories of babies who have lived only days or weeks, and felt the pain those mom's go through. On the flip side, I think it was just insensitive to talk about my baby dying being good. What would have been good is me being 6 months pregnant now, not fighting with my body to get back to "normal".
There is a part of me that really wants to get pregnant again, soon. That's the impractical, hormonal, crazy person that sneaks out when my defenses are down. The one that's becoming glued to the blogs and boards of the dead baby mamas out there. Then I have to stop and realize that not only is my body not ready to be pregnant again, but my mind isn't either. Being a teacher I have to put some thought into when I want to have a baby. I keep going back and forth in my mind about how I could have a winter baby, but it wouldn't be as convenient as spring. I also am trying to keep in mind how pregnant I would want to be this summer and going to outdoor school next fall. I know I don't want to be hugely pregnant then, but that's as far as I'm certain about. That at least makes me hold off trying to get pregnant until this spring. Part of me prays that I can wait patiently, but another part waits for God to give me another surprise.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
A little puke, anyone?
The last two days have been difficult ones in my house. Tuesday night Carson started puking up at regular intervals, starting at 1:30 a.m. I got up with him several times that night, then Tony stayed up with him, catching all the puke in clean diapers since we were down to our last pair of jammies and blankets. This last weekend Carson learned a new word, "NO", and has used it well since then. Each time I tried to get him to drink anything or had to change him it was his word of choice.
Yesterday was rough on Carson. He didn't eat anything, and only drank a little bit of milk and ibuprofen to help his fever. I was worried about the little guy. Last night I got home with the boys and was changing into my "at home" clothes when Carson started crying loudly. I was concerned and sat down on my bed to pick him up when it happened; he puked all over himself and me. I was in shock and he was upset so he walked away, puking as he went. It took a while for me to get my clothes changed (again), him changed, the floor cleaner soaking in the carpet, and all the laundry from the past 24 hours in the washer. Thankfully it was his last time puking. He went and ate a banana for dinner and chugged lots of watered down juice. I was really praying that he was over it all because I didn't want to get a sub for today. Thankfully Carson slept through the night, but woke up early for his breakfast. He must have been hungry after all that puking!
Yesterday was rough on Carson. He didn't eat anything, and only drank a little bit of milk and ibuprofen to help his fever. I was worried about the little guy. Last night I got home with the boys and was changing into my "at home" clothes when Carson started crying loudly. I was concerned and sat down on my bed to pick him up when it happened; he puked all over himself and me. I was in shock and he was upset so he walked away, puking as he went. It took a while for me to get my clothes changed (again), him changed, the floor cleaner soaking in the carpet, and all the laundry from the past 24 hours in the washer. Thankfully it was his last time puking. He went and ate a banana for dinner and chugged lots of watered down juice. I was really praying that he was over it all because I didn't want to get a sub for today. Thankfully Carson slept through the night, but woke up early for his breakfast. He must have been hungry after all that puking!
A great weekend!
This last weekend was just what our family needed. Tony and I both took Monday off from work and headed out of town to visit family for a long 4-day weekend. It was probably one of the best get-aways we've had in years. First we went to Prineville, Oregon to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin. The weather was great once we were there and the boys really liked the playground. The best part for all my boys was the trip to the John Deere store. (Those of you who have seen it, Colten's room is all John Deere) My cousin works at the store in town and they had just gotten a really big tractor delivered the day before we got there. My cousin had arranged with his boss for us to go in on Sunday when the store was closed and take the tractors there for a ride around the yard. It was great! My cousin even insisted I get up there and take that tractor for a ride! 
After Prineville, we drove past my old house in Lebanon and then over to my grandparent's old place in Philomath. Then we went to my grandma's in Corvallis. There was rain the entire drive, until we got to Corvallis, then it stopped. There is a great park across the street from my grandma's so we took the boys there to run off energy after the four hour drive. The boys had the best time. Between the sandbox, twisty slide, and swings lots of energy was burned.
After the park my cousin, Kris, fixed the entire clan dinner. It was great to sit and visit with that half of the family and relax with a great meal. That night we went to visit the other grandparents in McMinnville. Tuesday morning Tony took Colten to the Evergreen Air and Space museum. It was cool for Colten to see all the planes and space ships. He even sat through the Science of Flight Imax and didn't get motion sickness!
In all it was a wonderful time to get away and relax. But it's back to work and all that now.Friday, November 7, 2008
One Month
One month ago today our lives were changed forever; our baby was dead and the D&C was scheduled. Overall, I've done pretty good today. I've only teared up a couple times, but am allowing myself a good cry now that the kids are in bed. I've grown so much in a month, but also cried so much. I didn't think I'd still miss that baby so much, even a month later. I thought I would have the answers from the genetic testing now, but still no information.
Today was the last day of my conferences. All the meeting went well, but it was touching how many of the moms were supportive and had kind things to say. Some moms even told me how they wanted to email me after my miscarriage, but didn't know what to say and didn't want me to take it the wrong way. I've realized miscarriage, even late ones like mine, happen far more often than anyone realizes when they haven't had one. It's the club you never want to join, but when you do, everyone you know is in it, even complete strangers. I had one mom yesterday who didn't know I'd been pregnant or miscarried, but I mentioned being out from work after surgery and told her. She spilled her entire 22 week still born story out to me right there in the conference. I never wanted to experience a miscarriage, and don't want to again, but the support from other women out there is amazing. My mom couldn't really offer much to say other than, "It was meant to be..." but reading the stories of loss, grief, and happiness are so very helpful. Sad as it is, even the babylossdirectory, has been a wonderful place to go and realize that I am not alone in this, and if anything, I was fortunate to have the experience I did.
The worst thing about today is that my body decided to remind me in the worst of ways that no, I am no longer pregnant, and can't even pretend it. Good old "Aunt Flow" decided to descend upon my life, right in time for the weekend. The only good thing about this is that my body is now back to "normal" so my husband and I can start relaxing and focusing on each other now. The worst part about being "normal" is that now I need to think about not getting pregnant again right away, or ever if my husband had his choice. I need to worry about getting in better shape for spring and getting my mind back in the positive spot it needs to be. My days are getting better and my attitude is picking up, so I don't think I'm going to stay stuck in this depression.
I've been sick with a nasty cold for over a week now, and it's taken it toll on my body and mind. After a week of sucking down NyQuil to sleep and chomping cough drops, I'm ready to start getting better. I've taken Monday off, so I have a four day weekend. I was saving my personal days for maternity leave, but since I won't be using it this year, I need to use at least two of the personal days, or I lose them, without pay. So I opted for a long weekend. My students even think I really need to get away. So the family is going to eastern Oregon to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin. The weather is usually better over there, and maybe it will even snow. My aunt is Italian and a wonderful cook. I'm looking forward to all the food and relaxing I can do. I want to play with my boys and be pampered by my aunt. It should be just what I need right now.
Today was the last day of my conferences. All the meeting went well, but it was touching how many of the moms were supportive and had kind things to say. Some moms even told me how they wanted to email me after my miscarriage, but didn't know what to say and didn't want me to take it the wrong way. I've realized miscarriage, even late ones like mine, happen far more often than anyone realizes when they haven't had one. It's the club you never want to join, but when you do, everyone you know is in it, even complete strangers. I had one mom yesterday who didn't know I'd been pregnant or miscarried, but I mentioned being out from work after surgery and told her. She spilled her entire 22 week still born story out to me right there in the conference. I never wanted to experience a miscarriage, and don't want to again, but the support from other women out there is amazing. My mom couldn't really offer much to say other than, "It was meant to be..." but reading the stories of loss, grief, and happiness are so very helpful. Sad as it is, even the babylossdirectory, has been a wonderful place to go and realize that I am not alone in this, and if anything, I was fortunate to have the experience I did.
The worst thing about today is that my body decided to remind me in the worst of ways that no, I am no longer pregnant, and can't even pretend it. Good old "Aunt Flow" decided to descend upon my life, right in time for the weekend. The only good thing about this is that my body is now back to "normal" so my husband and I can start relaxing and focusing on each other now. The worst part about being "normal" is that now I need to think about not getting pregnant again right away, or ever if my husband had his choice. I need to worry about getting in better shape for spring and getting my mind back in the positive spot it needs to be. My days are getting better and my attitude is picking up, so I don't think I'm going to stay stuck in this depression.
I've been sick with a nasty cold for over a week now, and it's taken it toll on my body and mind. After a week of sucking down NyQuil to sleep and chomping cough drops, I'm ready to start getting better. I've taken Monday off, so I have a four day weekend. I was saving my personal days for maternity leave, but since I won't be using it this year, I need to use at least two of the personal days, or I lose them, without pay. So I opted for a long weekend. My students even think I really need to get away. So the family is going to eastern Oregon to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin. The weather is usually better over there, and maybe it will even snow. My aunt is Italian and a wonderful cook. I'm looking forward to all the food and relaxing I can do. I want to play with my boys and be pampered by my aunt. It should be just what I need right now.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Saturdays stink!
I've decided now that Saturdays stink! I know, it's a day off; one to sleep in, relax, hang with the family, and get chores done. The last three Saturdays have been nights of misery for me. I'm fine during the day, but for some reason at night I break down and start crying. I don't know if it's the stress of the week catching up with me or if it's being home all day with no work to distract my mind. I don't' know which it is but I want it to stop.
My husband is at a Halloween party tonight. I know he was worried about leaving me at home with the boys. I told him to go to the party. Nothing he did would change my mood and he'd been looking forward to the party for weeks. OK, I was a little cranky. Who wouldn't be being sick and coughing, and Carson had been crying for 20 minutes, the entire time he was in the bath, and refused to eat any yogurt for desert. That would drive any mommy crazy, not just me.
I get to avoid church again for the next few weeks. Call me weak, but I don't' want to go alone tomorrow. With Tony being out late tonight, I just don't think I could handle facing all the bellies and babies alone without him. Next weekend, we are getting away for a four-day weekend to visit relatives, so I won't be at church then. The next weekend is my day in the toddler nursery. That means I won't be at church until the week before Thanksgiving. Tony thinks my reasons for not going tomorrow are ridiculous. He also doesn't understand why I am just angry at pregnant people in general. I know I should be happy for those people, but I just can't stand talking and seeing those people at church.
If things don't get better in the next couple weeks, I'll head back to my doc and talk with her. I'm hoping to hear this week about the genetic testing. Part of me wants to know if something caused my baby to die, to know the sex of it to give it a name, but part of me just wants to not know, not to have to worry with Tony about it being Turner's again, just to try to move on. I just want things to get back to normal.
Now, hopefully I can take some good cold medicine and sleep well tonight. Last night I was hacking and coughing all night. Tony slept in the spare room it was so bad. Not what I needed now.
My husband is at a Halloween party tonight. I know he was worried about leaving me at home with the boys. I told him to go to the party. Nothing he did would change my mood and he'd been looking forward to the party for weeks. OK, I was a little cranky. Who wouldn't be being sick and coughing, and Carson had been crying for 20 minutes, the entire time he was in the bath, and refused to eat any yogurt for desert. That would drive any mommy crazy, not just me.
I get to avoid church again for the next few weeks. Call me weak, but I don't' want to go alone tomorrow. With Tony being out late tonight, I just don't think I could handle facing all the bellies and babies alone without him. Next weekend, we are getting away for a four-day weekend to visit relatives, so I won't be at church then. The next weekend is my day in the toddler nursery. That means I won't be at church until the week before Thanksgiving. Tony thinks my reasons for not going tomorrow are ridiculous. He also doesn't understand why I am just angry at pregnant people in general. I know I should be happy for those people, but I just can't stand talking and seeing those people at church.
If things don't get better in the next couple weeks, I'll head back to my doc and talk with her. I'm hoping to hear this week about the genetic testing. Part of me wants to know if something caused my baby to die, to know the sex of it to give it a name, but part of me just wants to not know, not to have to worry with Tony about it being Turner's again, just to try to move on. I just want things to get back to normal.
Now, hopefully I can take some good cold medicine and sleep well tonight. Last night I was hacking and coughing all night. Tony slept in the spare room it was so bad. Not what I needed now.
Wild Animals
No, not real animals, just my boys for Halloween! It was a great night with stops at a few friends, the fire station (climbing in the trucks and gear) and a stop at grandma's. These were my mom's only trick-or-treaters so we go every year.
Just so you know, Colten is showing how raccoons walk in this picture. If you look close you can see a little of his big poofy tail too!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)