Sick, so sick

My whole family (except me) was sick last week. I was just congratulating myself on avoiding another round of household illness, when I was caught by the cold. I made it through yesterday at school fully intending to be back today, if only a little medicated. I couldn't do it. I could barely walk to the bathroom to pee this morning, much less face my students and perform a science lab. So I called for a sub, any sub, this morning and frantically typed up some idiot-proof lesson plans to email in. Fortunately my principal gets to school early so he will have time to print out the lessons and make the necessary copies for my sub for today. So here I sit, alone at home, watching the rain. I'm prepared with my magazine, computer, juicy novel and box of tissues, ready for whatever this cold brings. I'm sticking to my bed, so I'm not turning up the heat (turned it off until fall) but I'm bundled up warm in sweats and hoodie. I'm praying that the snot will drain a little better so when I take a nap I can breath.

Normally I'd be planning what movie to watch and thinking about some delicious dessert to make for lunch on my day at home, but since I can barely move and food is the last thing on my mind, I think this is one nasty cold I've caught. Definitely not a normal "sick day" for me.

Whirlwind Weekend

We went to Lincoln City, Oregon this weekend for my Grandma's 80th birthday. I haven't been in Lincoln City since the road trip my junior year of college with friends (Kristy) and my new(er) car. We drove down yesterday afternoon and wound up getting a room in the hotel (didn't plan to) because we were uncomfortable driving Oregon's "Death Hwy #18) back to McMinneville to stay with my grandparents. Tony and I had fun watching the boys on the beach and we got to relax with the family while eating great food and enjoying drinks. Both boys slept in until 7 am and after breakfast we headed off to visit my grandparents. We had a good visit and enjoyed lunch, then headed home. I feel like all I did this weekend was sit or drive. I'm hoping for some sleep tonight.


Both boys in their cute Easter outfits. Thanks Mom!
They wore these to the party last night.

We didn't intend to stay the night. Our room was on the bottom floor at the far left end. Nice and quiet and right on the beach for easy access for the boys to play in the sand.

Here is Carson digging in the sand.
Here is Colten digging "doggie style" for "treasures".

The only picture of me on the trip.

All my boys before heading to the water.

Carson's never been to an ocean beach before and was scared of the waves and the foam.

Colten drawing in the sand.

Carson enjoying the warm sand.

Boys challenging the waves and running from them.

Throwing sand at the waves

I got gypped

I've been awake since 2 am, and just can't get back to sleep. I know, there are many things out there to help, but since I can't get my brain to shut down long enough for me to sleep, I'll stew over everything going on in my life.

I was at the bank today and out of all the checkers, I got the one that was pregnant. It still bothers me, not in the since that I should be X weeks, because I'm over that, but the reminder of how life gypped me. Miscarriage is all about losing what could have been. I could have been sleepless tonight because of a six week old not sleeping through the night. I could have nursed them back to sleep and snuggled back in bed wondering when they will sleep through the night and if they will let me sleep when I go back to work after materinty leave.

Instead, I'm worrying about why I can't sleep, why I'm a hormonal mess, why I can't be happy for all the pregnant women out there without being just a little bit jealous, why I'm not pregnant yet, and mostly why my baby died. Why did Taylor have to die? I know the logical reasons, but logic isn't around before 6 am. I worry about my friendships I've let go and if I'll ever be able to repair the damage I've caused, about the new friendships I've formed through losing Taylor, and will those get damaged if I get pregnant, and mostly, if I'll ever be able to look at a child close to Taylor's age and not tear up thinking Taylor would be X months or years old now. My baby would be doing __________ right now. As a teacher I wonder if 12 years down the road I'll still think that each time one of my students has a March birthday.

I don't want to "forget" anything about Taylor, but I want to stop hurting so much. I think getting pregnant again will help in some ways, but make things worse in others. When will I stop thinking about the should haves, could haves, would haves instead of the I now haves? When will I find some peace with what happened and stop causing myself heartache with these thoughts? The biggest pain of having a miscarriage is realizing how a future was lost with that child, that child was gypped out of life, and you were gypped out of parenting them, with all the joy and sleepless nights that would go along.

My heart just melts..

with the warm weather, sitting outside, listening to the laughter and chatter of my children playing in the sun. They were "helping" Grandpa stack wood earlier and he was so very patient and good with them, even though they hindered more than helped him. Happy kids on a sunny day with a wonderful view=great day.

Innocence lost

I frequently post on miscarriage and trying to concieve after miscarriage boards. One of the most oft asked questions is "How long would you wait to announce your next pregnancy?" If find this questions so interesting to answer because each person is different and their miscarriage experience was different. Most women respond that they will wait until at least after 1st trimester is over to share the new with anyone. Others say close family first, then friends, then employers and acquaintances last. Most posters on the boards have had 1st trimester miscarriages. Reasons to wait are usually having to "untell" everyone you told, and avoiding the cruel comments so many people mistakenly say.

With all three of my pregnancies I was warned by many people (mostly miscarriage survivors) not to share the news with everyone until after 1st trimester. I didn't follow that advice with any of them, mostly because my dear husband told everyone in his excitement. Waiting until after 1st tri didn't matter with Taylor. She was a 2nd tri loss. I now know that so very many things can go wrong with a pregnancy, even up to the last week. I've talked with women who have lost their babies at 41 weeks, cried over their stories, and felt their pain and frustrations.

So what will I do the next time I (hopefully) get pregnant? I will likely tell most friends and family soon after I find out. I like to think that if there is another miscarriage, people close to me will only help and support me through it again, and I would really need support. I'd probably wait until after the 1st tri to tell my work and students, but I really hope it wouldn't end in a miscarriage.

I get pregnant easily and 2/3 pregnancies have been relatively easy and with healthy babies. So many people ask if I'm scared to try for another, if I'm scared of losing another child. I'm terrified of being pregnant again. I'm scared of having a 1st tri loss and not seeing a healthy baby on an ultrasound. But I'm holding on to the idea that Taylor's loss was an unpreventable genetic fluke. I believe that my next pregnancy will be sucessful simply because I have had two healthy kids already.

Tony is terrified of trying again and has no desire to go through another pregnancy. He's seen how sad I've been over losing Taylor though and has decided that he can handle trying for another child easier than I can handle never having another child. So here we are, almost a year after surprisingly getting pregnant with Taylor, and we are trying again.

And all I can do is know that my innocence of pregnancy is gone. No longer will I NOT worry about each little thing that I experience. No longer will I believe that every pregnancy results in a healthy baby. No longer will I not try to do everything right in a pregnancy so I don't experience a loss again. How I wish I could go back to those days of innocence and blind faith that I won't be the one to lose their baby. Even now I wish that this was one thing I knew would only happen once. I wish I could say that I was one of the 3% who lose their baby after a healthy ultrasound, or that I was one of the 25% who miscarry and that since I've now been a statistic, that I'd add to the 75% of sucessful pregnancies and know nothing would go wrong again. So here I sit, scared of getting pregnant, but wanting another child so very much. Only time will tell.

**I know many of you would love to hear great news at the end of this post, but no, I am NOT PREGNANT. Believe me, all you readers will be close to the first ones to know when I am.

Daddy gone=new routines

Tony is gone on a four day fishing trip to Eastern WA. He has all his gear and his MRE meals and his time. This means that I get to get the boys ready for both mornings and nights now. This mornign was interesting with Carson wanting to snuggle all the time and Colten sleeping in. Carson keeps asking where Daddy is, but Colten comments that he hopes Daddy is having fun on his trip. Things have gone smoothly so far tonight and the weekend is here. Hopefully the kids will sleep in and let me sleep in too! Have a good trip dear! We can't wait for you to be back and play with the boys.

Potty training problems

We started potty training over spring break. It was interesting, but I have come to the conclusion that Carson is not quite ready yet. He would go if I sat him on the potty and we spent time there, but he wouldn't tell me he had to go. One thing he has learned is how to tell us he is wet or poopy and to change his diaper. Carson can also tell when he is in the process of going, but he just can't tell us before he needs to go. Hopefully he will progress along and we can finish training this summer. The worst thing about starting now is Carson will randomly want his diaper off and/or refuse to wear one. Driving me crazy.

Easter!

Here are my boys dying their eggs.
Carson and cousin share a bath and had fun getting each other wet.

The Easter bunny brought books for Carson, along with race cars and candy.

Colten got cany and card games

Looking for eggs.

Little kids look for eggs in Great-Grandma's egg hunt.

Colten found some too.

I managed to make a lamb cake for the kids and a chocolate cheesecake for Tony's birthday.

Reflections on grief

This week was my spring break. I had the opportunity for a playdate with a friend who lost their daughter, Erin, at 19 weeks on the day after Christmas. Visiting with my friend was interesting and it made me really think about how I have grieved these last six months since losing Taylor.

Taylor had been dead for weeks when we had the ultrasound; a missed miscarriage. We suspected it was a genetic problem, though it was never confirmed, and the chances of it happening again were the same chances of any miscarriage. We never got to know the sex of the baby for sure, we never got any final pictures, prints, or things to prove our baby existed. All we have is the healthy ultrasound picture from 11 weeks.

My friend, Christy, had a very different experience losing her baby than I did. I found this out when she pulled out all of Erin's things to show me this last week. Christy had a uterine infection that caused premature labor and though they tried to stop it, they couldn't. Erin was alive, with a strong heartbeat and active, up until just a few minutes before she was born. She was perfect in every way and Christy showed me all the pictures of her and how perfectly formed she had been. I got to see the little gown and hat, the blanket and stuffed lamb, even the urn with her ashes.

Seeing the differences in our losses has made me realize how different we grieve for our losses. I worry about a genetic "fluke" happening again while my friend feels her body failed her. While I think about Taylor each day, I don't worry that I am "forgetting" or that my desire for another baby is to replace the baby I've lost. I can openly talk about Taylor and usually not tear up. I've come so far in the grief that I can turn around and look back, see the terrible journey I've been on.

Miscarriage is a different kind of loss. You mourn not only the loss of life, but the loss of what could have been. You grieve for the chance of life that is lost. But it is never over I've also come to believe. Yes, the due date is past, I can no longer associate myself with pregnant women and think Ishould be X weeks along now. This journey with grief will never end. It is getting easier, but things will never return to the old "normal". My friendships have changed, some growing stronger, some more distanced, and I can't help but think of my friends who are expecting and think that everytime I look at their child, I will think that mine should be close to that same age too.

The grief is getting easier to handle, it isn't all consuming anymore, but it is something that is there each day and hits you at the strangest moments. I am a mother of three, two boys and one angel.

Birthday Boy Cupcakes

Today is Colten's actual birthday. We made cupcakes for him to take into school. It took several hours this morning mixing the frosting so the colors were just right. Mom, I think we owe you a container of red coloring after this. The monsters looked adorable and Colten was very proud to have helped put the frostin and faces on. I wish I could tell you the looked this cute when we arrived at his school. They didn't. After our gravel drive and steep hill, the monsters had tipped over on their sides and smeared each other with frosting. Colten's teacher looked at them and said they would still taste great! The perfectionist in me is so upset at all the time it took to decorate them, but Colten is ok with them and that's what counts.

The battle of the birds

We hung our hummingbird feeder out this last weekend, and never have we had so many birds feeding from it. I've been working outside and hanging out laundry in the nice weather, and have been dive-bombed by all the birds fighting over the feeder. I am sure there are at least four males constantly chirping and shooing the others away. Obviously the others are getting some time in at the feeder though because it was empty this morning and needed to be filled again. I hope the birds stick around for the summer and don't kill each other over the feeder this spring.

My 6th Birthday (by Colten)

For my 6th birthday party I had my friend Keaton over to play and stay the night.
First we played in the tent with Carson. There is a tunnel that connects to the tent that is fun to chase each other through.

For lunch we had Mac 'n' Cheese and applesauce. Then we went to play outside.

We played in mud for hours. Keaton and I were building a road across the water in the mud.

We played on our "boat" and practiced catching fish in our nets and crab pots.

We were so muddy when we were done my mom made us strip and take a bath. She had to scrub the mud out of my hair.

Once we were clean we watched "Tom & Jerry" while Carson finished his nap.

This is on the way to Charlie's Safari where we were going to play and eat dinner.

Charlie's Safari has a huge jungle gym and bouncy toys along with a neat arcade. Mom tried to take pictures of us playing, but we were running to fast for the camera to catch. I'm playing a racing game with Daddy here.

When we got home we ate pink and orange ice cream (rainbow sherbert) because I asked for it and I blew out my candles.

Then I opened presents and got a neat Hummer toy with a quad on a trailer. Keaton got me a stomp rocket to play with.

I wanted to watch Cars and eat popcorn before going to bed so we did.

Carson ate some too. He like to watch Cars also.

When it was time to go to sleep we got in our sleeping bags in our tent. It was in my room. It was fun to sleep in the tent, just like camping.

This morning we got up and ate breakfast. Then we watched cartoons and colored pictures until it was time to go to church. It was a fun birthday and sleepover.

*** Mom and Dad survived the night fine without any calls for help, meltdowns, or wet beds. It was a great day and the boys want to do it again sometime.