Yesterday, driving home with my boys, Colten asked, "Mommy, the baby is all right, isn't it?"
I'm sitting there thinking, "How do I answer this???" I ask, "Do you mean the baby that was in my tummy?"
"Yes, it's alright now?"
"Yes, it's an angel in heaven now," I answer with tears pooling in my eyes.
"What is it doing in heaven?" Colten asks.
"It's watching out for it's big brothers Colten and Carson. It is seeing what you are doing."
"Oh, okay."
Hopefully those answers satisfy his curiosity.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Cuddles and sleep
Carson is sick, again. He has a cold in combination with an eye infection, again. He didn't sleep more than an hour at a time Sunday night and napped 15 minutes yesterday. He now hates the sight of an eyedropper, and the parent administering the drops. After the doctor yesterday he decided not to eat any dinner and just fuss. I gave him a bath, then ibuprofen and Benadryl to help him sleep. He slept all night!!! I woke up several times just to make sure I didn't hear him on the monitor, but got almost 8 hours! Then Carson woke up at 5:30! He was fussy, hungry, and tired and was wearing his daddy out! So I took him. We went and rocked in the recliner and snuggled. I don't get snuggles very often, and usually only a few seconds before he's off and running again. I got 15 minutes this morning. Carson was content to put his head on my chest and pat my hand. It reminded me of the cuddles I got when I nursed him to sleep. I had to get up early for it, but it was a nice start to my day.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Couple Time
Tonight Tony and I went out for my birthday dinner. You know, the one when he can't complain about the wait, the food, or the cost. It was his present to me. We went out to the Melting Pot for dinner. I've suggested going there before but Tony's always given me some lame excuse. Tonight I find out that he has always wanted to go there, but thought it was too expensive. Well, it is expensive, but now he wants to go there again. It was nice not to worry about the cost of dinner. Some of my birthday presents were money to put towards a dinner out like tonight. So thanks, it was very needed.
Tonight was one of the few times we have been alone and awake for an extended period of time. We talked about things that made me realize how hard this miscarriage has been on him. We both wish we knew the sex of the baby and what caused this problem. We're both nervous about getting pregnant again; Tony and his fear of going through another miscarriage, me and my fear of the miscarriage being my last memories of pregnancy. We did actually talk about having another and how we felt about that. It will work out, but it was good to talk about what's been going on in our brains for the last 18 days. Even some of the tears were welcome.
One of my fears about today was going to church. Well, I didn't have to face it yet. I finally fell asleep at 1:00, and Tony being worried about me fell asleep then also. Carson, being sick again woke up at 5:00 and woke up brother! That give the parents a total of only 4 hours of sleep! One thing Tony and I do well is team work with the kids. Tony took the first hour up with the boys and fed them. I took from 6-8 and kept them quiet so he could sleep. By 8, Carson was ready to go back to sleep since I gave him meds, and I put on a movie for Colten. I was able to go back to bed and sleep until 10. Tony got up at 9:30 when the movie was over and Carson woke up and play. Later I took the boys outside to run off their energy and fixed them lunch. It wasn't a lot of sleep, or all in one stretch, but I didn't take a nap today. Carson's already been up two times tonight, just miserable, so I've given him a dose of Benadryl to help him sleep. Now I just need to turn off the brain and get some sleep, if I can.
Tomorrow is a really busy day for me at school. Like usual, I brought home hours of correcting and papers over the weekend, but didn't even open my bag. I have all that correcting to catch up on tomorrow, my pet project to launch and present yet another part to the staff at a meeting, and yearbook pictures to upload from the Fall Festival. Hopefully I'll feel great tomorrow and be an alert, organize person without too much emotional baggage from this weekend.
Tonight was one of the few times we have been alone and awake for an extended period of time. We talked about things that made me realize how hard this miscarriage has been on him. We both wish we knew the sex of the baby and what caused this problem. We're both nervous about getting pregnant again; Tony and his fear of going through another miscarriage, me and my fear of the miscarriage being my last memories of pregnancy. We did actually talk about having another and how we felt about that. It will work out, but it was good to talk about what's been going on in our brains for the last 18 days. Even some of the tears were welcome.
One of my fears about today was going to church. Well, I didn't have to face it yet. I finally fell asleep at 1:00, and Tony being worried about me fell asleep then also. Carson, being sick again woke up at 5:00 and woke up brother! That give the parents a total of only 4 hours of sleep! One thing Tony and I do well is team work with the kids. Tony took the first hour up with the boys and fed them. I took from 6-8 and kept them quiet so he could sleep. By 8, Carson was ready to go back to sleep since I gave him meds, and I put on a movie for Colten. I was able to go back to bed and sleep until 10. Tony got up at 9:30 when the movie was over and Carson woke up and play. Later I took the boys outside to run off their energy and fixed them lunch. It wasn't a lot of sleep, or all in one stretch, but I didn't take a nap today. Carson's already been up two times tonight, just miserable, so I've given him a dose of Benadryl to help him sleep. Now I just need to turn off the brain and get some sleep, if I can.
Tomorrow is a really busy day for me at school. Like usual, I brought home hours of correcting and papers over the weekend, but didn't even open my bag. I have all that correcting to catch up on tomorrow, my pet project to launch and present yet another part to the staff at a meeting, and yearbook pictures to upload from the Fall Festival. Hopefully I'll feel great tomorrow and be an alert, organize person without too much emotional baggage from this weekend.
I don't know why.....
Add "I don't know why..." to all the following:
.... why I can't stop crying, even after two hours!
....why I can go a week without crying, and then break down just as I'm falling asleep. It's the answer I give to my husband who wants to help and make it all better, but nothing will fix how I feel right now.
....my toddler still isn't sleeping more than an hour at a time even doped up on Ibuprofen for his teeth! I need sleep kid!
.... today was the day all pregnant people were where I was. The McDonald's cashier, the parents at my school's Fall Festival, even the people on TV were all pregnant! Why now, why today!?! I should still be that pregnant today! I should be feeling uncomfortable with the kicks and heartburn and not sleeping on my stomach!!
....I want to smash and break things in anger!! Angry at who I wonder, not myself or God. Pregnant people??? Why do I feel this mad???
.... it took me two hours of crying and trying to stop to finally admit defeat and take some sleeping pills. Now I just need to stop crying by the time they take affect.
....I'm terrified of going to church tomorrow. I know why I'm terrified, but church should be a place for support and help and prayer, not a place to fear. I just don't know how I'll react to all the baby bellies there. Will I make it through, smiling and answering questions with only a few tears shed, will I hide in the bathroom and just let them gush, or will I just hide at home with my fussy, not sleeping toddler and put off all the questions and looks for another Sunday?
....I can deal with all this grief and be fine, even feel good, then have one night of misery, that seems like it will never end and I'll never feel good again.
....I am feeling this way when I should be happy! Bleeding has stopped, cycle is getting back to normal, ovulating! Why am I so down now?
....every Dead Baby Mama blog I read tonight is all about their new baby or their pregnancy after their loss and just makes me feel even crappier! I want to be happy for them, but I also want to still be pregnant! I looked to those blogs to find some help with the uncontrollable tears, and instead find more pregnant people!
....the sleeping pills haven't taken affect and I'm still upright typing, not passed out snoring. Those of you who know me well, it is unusual that I'm even still awake at this time.
I don't know why... my baby died. I should be 22 weeks pregnant right now. I just want to be back feeling those small kicks, and have them be real, not gas. I want to have an ultrasound and find out that everything is healthy and well. I just want to have a healthy baby. Why did my baby die!
.... why I can't stop crying, even after two hours!
....why I can go a week without crying, and then break down just as I'm falling asleep. It's the answer I give to my husband who wants to help and make it all better, but nothing will fix how I feel right now.
....my toddler still isn't sleeping more than an hour at a time even doped up on Ibuprofen for his teeth! I need sleep kid!
.... today was the day all pregnant people were where I was. The McDonald's cashier, the parents at my school's Fall Festival, even the people on TV were all pregnant! Why now, why today!?! I should still be that pregnant today! I should be feeling uncomfortable with the kicks and heartburn and not sleeping on my stomach!!
....I want to smash and break things in anger!! Angry at who I wonder, not myself or God. Pregnant people??? Why do I feel this mad???
.... it took me two hours of crying and trying to stop to finally admit defeat and take some sleeping pills. Now I just need to stop crying by the time they take affect.
....I'm terrified of going to church tomorrow. I know why I'm terrified, but church should be a place for support and help and prayer, not a place to fear. I just don't know how I'll react to all the baby bellies there. Will I make it through, smiling and answering questions with only a few tears shed, will I hide in the bathroom and just let them gush, or will I just hide at home with my fussy, not sleeping toddler and put off all the questions and looks for another Sunday?
....I can deal with all this grief and be fine, even feel good, then have one night of misery, that seems like it will never end and I'll never feel good again.
....I am feeling this way when I should be happy! Bleeding has stopped, cycle is getting back to normal, ovulating! Why am I so down now?
....every Dead Baby Mama blog I read tonight is all about their new baby or their pregnancy after their loss and just makes me feel even crappier! I want to be happy for them, but I also want to still be pregnant! I looked to those blogs to find some help with the uncontrollable tears, and instead find more pregnant people!
....the sleeping pills haven't taken affect and I'm still upright typing, not passed out snoring. Those of you who know me well, it is unusual that I'm even still awake at this time.
I don't know why... my baby died. I should be 22 weeks pregnant right now. I just want to be back feeling those small kicks, and have them be real, not gas. I want to have an ultrasound and find out that everything is healthy and well. I just want to have a healthy baby. Why did my baby die!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Some bad, some good, some therapy!
The good: the end of the day
The Bad: the beginning of the day
The therapy: two doctor's visits, some shopping, and a massage!
Yesterday was the roughest day since I returned to work. I think it was the stress of the week and seeing my doctor's office again (the last time I was there I found out the baby had died!) I started out the morning very teary and cried at everything, even after snarling at everything including my dear husband. Went to the chiropractor; told everything is back to normal there. Went to Target and got the many items I'm too cheap to buy at the regular grocery stores because they are like half the price at Target. Then to the doctor.
I've been fortunate these last three weeks to not be seeing lots of pregnant people or new babies, but my doctor's sucked!! I thought since it was a morning appointment (10:00) that there might be fewer people there, NOT! The waiting area was packed (I see an office with 4 docs and midwife) and people were there showing off their newborns, waiting with their husbands and mothers and big bellies! I was a wreck by the time I saw my doc. My doctor was so sweet and understanding. She checked me out and told me that everything was fine. The bleeding has stopped, and I'm ovulating now so my cycle should return back to normal in two weeks she said. She asked how I was holding up and we talked about the possibility of depression. She was glad to hear about my few good days, and surprised when I told her they were the best days I'd had in months. She said if I don't get more good days like that, come visit again and she'll get me something for depression.
She said that the usual lab test results were back and everything about my pregnancy seemed normal. There was no infection or virus that caused the miscarriage. Nothing I did could have caused it either. We are still waiting on the chromosome/genetic testing, but should get a call with the results in a few weeks. Right now it looks like I'm healthy and won't have any problems getting pregnant again or having a healthy baby. Now I just need to sit back and wait until I'm mentally ready to get pregnant. I know my body is getting ready (hence the ovulating again!), but mentally I need to recover from this miscarriage.
After the doctor's I went to the mall and got my old cell phone activated so I have a phone again. Then I went shopping. I almost never go shopping. It is like a once a year moment of insanity that takes me to the mall to buy clothes. I went to Old Navy and found 16 shirts for only $130!! I'm sorry girlfriends! Hanging up all the clothes today I realized that I didn't need quite as many shirts; I had some in the closet that were very close in style and color to the ones I got yesterday. Oh, well, it was great therapy for me. In a few weeks I'll go back and get some jeans. I need to get back into shape a bit more before I spend time trying on pants.
After shopping I spent time with Carson at my mom's and then went to my massage. I love massages and am lucky a family friend of ours gives them. Yesterday I got a "deep but gentle" massage as my gal put it. She found so many knots in my muscles and it hurt to undo all them. I'm still feeling sore today, I almost need a massage to recover from the one yesterday. It felt great though. My gal even put a special lotion on last to help pull toxins out of my body. I was told to drink lots of water and pee all the toxins out last night.
Well, after the massage, Tony and I headed to a costume Halloween party. Tony got this chef's costume from a friend who used to be a chef in a restaurant. The party was fine, I didn't drink anything but water, and the people were nice. There were only a few awkward moments when friends at the party had known I was pregnant, but didn't know I'd miscarried the baby. By 11:00 all the people I knew were heading home and the remaining people were getting really drunk. It's no fun being the only sober one, but being the only one not getting the jokes is bad. So Tony and I left and came home. It was good to get out and socialize with his friends though.
The Bad: the beginning of the day
The therapy: two doctor's visits, some shopping, and a massage!
Yesterday was the roughest day since I returned to work. I think it was the stress of the week and seeing my doctor's office again (the last time I was there I found out the baby had died!) I started out the morning very teary and cried at everything, even after snarling at everything including my dear husband. Went to the chiropractor; told everything is back to normal there. Went to Target and got the many items I'm too cheap to buy at the regular grocery stores because they are like half the price at Target. Then to the doctor.
I've been fortunate these last three weeks to not be seeing lots of pregnant people or new babies, but my doctor's sucked!! I thought since it was a morning appointment (10:00) that there might be fewer people there, NOT! The waiting area was packed (I see an office with 4 docs and midwife) and people were there showing off their newborns, waiting with their husbands and mothers and big bellies! I was a wreck by the time I saw my doc. My doctor was so sweet and understanding. She checked me out and told me that everything was fine. The bleeding has stopped, and I'm ovulating now so my cycle should return back to normal in two weeks she said. She asked how I was holding up and we talked about the possibility of depression. She was glad to hear about my few good days, and surprised when I told her they were the best days I'd had in months. She said if I don't get more good days like that, come visit again and she'll get me something for depression.
She said that the usual lab test results were back and everything about my pregnancy seemed normal. There was no infection or virus that caused the miscarriage. Nothing I did could have caused it either. We are still waiting on the chromosome/genetic testing, but should get a call with the results in a few weeks. Right now it looks like I'm healthy and won't have any problems getting pregnant again or having a healthy baby. Now I just need to sit back and wait until I'm mentally ready to get pregnant. I know my body is getting ready (hence the ovulating again!), but mentally I need to recover from this miscarriage.
After the doctor's I went to the mall and got my old cell phone activated so I have a phone again. Then I went shopping. I almost never go shopping. It is like a once a year moment of insanity that takes me to the mall to buy clothes. I went to Old Navy and found 16 shirts for only $130!! I'm sorry girlfriends! Hanging up all the clothes today I realized that I didn't need quite as many shirts; I had some in the closet that were very close in style and color to the ones I got yesterday. Oh, well, it was great therapy for me. In a few weeks I'll go back and get some jeans. I need to get back into shape a bit more before I spend time trying on pants.
After shopping I spent time with Carson at my mom's and then went to my massage. I love massages and am lucky a family friend of ours gives them. Yesterday I got a "deep but gentle" massage as my gal put it. She found so many knots in my muscles and it hurt to undo all them. I'm still feeling sore today, I almost need a massage to recover from the one yesterday. It felt great though. My gal even put a special lotion on last to help pull toxins out of my body. I was told to drink lots of water and pee all the toxins out last night.
Well, after the massage, Tony and I headed to a costume Halloween party. Tony got this chef's costume from a friend who used to be a chef in a restaurant. The party was fine, I didn't drink anything but water, and the people were nice. There were only a few awkward moments when friends at the party had known I was pregnant, but didn't know I'd miscarried the baby. By 11:00 all the people I knew were heading home and the remaining people were getting really drunk. It's no fun being the only sober one, but being the only one not getting the jokes is bad. So Tony and I left and came home. It was good to get out and socialize with his friends though.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
What goes up must come down
After such a positive weekend, I'm back to being dragon lady. I'm hoping it's just hormones going up and down too and hope my efforts to lose weight and work out more will help level those pesky rages out. I'm not as bad as I was when I was pregnant, but these past few days definitely haven't been as good as Friday and Saturday.
Tony and I were talking last night and he asked if I was worried about my Dr. appointment Friday. I'm not worried, but still nervous. I want answers why my baby died, but I don't think I'm going to get them. I'm just nervous in general because the last time I was in that office I was devistated. I've been teary the last few days, but I expect that is part hormones, part stress let down. I'm now caught up on correcting and not stressing about home or school anymore.
My dear sweet husband, I love him so much. He told me last night that he wants to help heal my hurts, but can't fix it. He and I have thought about how this miscarriage has changed us. It has helped to heal my marriage. Not that it was really broken, but that close connection between the two of us was gone. Now, after dealing with this and needing each other to get through this, it is better. We talk to each other again, and try to talk things out, not just about the kids. I'm sure we will go through more ups and downs, but in such a time of sorrow and frustration, my marriage is at least doing well.
I worked out again last night, and of course started bleeding again. I need to work out and be active, but I really am tired of bleeding. It's like having the period that never goes completely away! I'll just start to slow up and think it's over, then it starts all over again. It'd be nice not to think or worry about that stuff for at least a few weeks!
Tony and I were talking last night and he asked if I was worried about my Dr. appointment Friday. I'm not worried, but still nervous. I want answers why my baby died, but I don't think I'm going to get them. I'm just nervous in general because the last time I was in that office I was devistated. I've been teary the last few days, but I expect that is part hormones, part stress let down. I'm now caught up on correcting and not stressing about home or school anymore.
My dear sweet husband, I love him so much. He told me last night that he wants to help heal my hurts, but can't fix it. He and I have thought about how this miscarriage has changed us. It has helped to heal my marriage. Not that it was really broken, but that close connection between the two of us was gone. Now, after dealing with this and needing each other to get through this, it is better. We talk to each other again, and try to talk things out, not just about the kids. I'm sure we will go through more ups and downs, but in such a time of sorrow and frustration, my marriage is at least doing well.
I worked out again last night, and of course started bleeding again. I need to work out and be active, but I really am tired of bleeding. It's like having the period that never goes completely away! I'll just start to slow up and think it's over, then it starts all over again. It'd be nice not to think or worry about that stuff for at least a few weeks!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Great Weekend
This has been a great weekend (so far). I worked out and had lots of energy to do it. I think I overdid it a little yesterday though. I started bleeding just a little again. Nothing major though so I'm not worried. Tony is watching the boys tonight so I can correct the massive amount of projects and papers that accumulated while I was out for six days. I would love to put it off 'til tomorrow, but progress reports are being run first thing in the morning. I need to be as up-to-date as I can be. After the correcting I get to prepare for my unprepared day and pay attention to my pet project a bit.
I survived my first day back at church. It went really well. Not one pregnant person came in to the nursery, no babies passed through either. I worked with the nicest gal today. She and I have boys 20 months old and were swapping stories. She was excited that Carson is getting interested in potty training and mentioned getting him trained before the baby came. I had to tell her that we had lost the baby. She felt really bad, but was very sympathetic. Tony came in to "check on me" and make sure I wasn't losing it in the nursery. That was so sweet of him. I love him so much, even when he drives me crazy.
We got a new(er) car last week, and managed to make it almost a week without scratching it. Colten was playing around in the garage with my gardening fork (used to fork out weeds) and put a big scratch in the passenger side door. Tony tried and tried, but he couldn't get it to fade away. Tony's friend also spilled a drink all over the passenger floor mat yesterday as well. The car may be two years old, but with only 3000 miles on it, it still has that "new car smell" but not for long at this rate! The best thing about the car (besides the awesome price) is that it has every option available. Most of the things we've never had before; heated seats, defrosting side mirrors, back-up sensors, the list goes on. It is nice to ride in, but sucks gas bad. It's getting close to the same mileage as our Isuzu Rodeo, it is just more noticeable when the mileage estimator by the gas gage shows only 290 miles to go right after you fill the 18 gallon tank! I'm used to my little Honda getting 400+ miles on 14 gallons. Big difference. There's the reason why I'm not driving the new car, the mileage.
Well, I'd better get back to correcting. Tony will only watch the boys for so long.
I survived my first day back at church. It went really well. Not one pregnant person came in to the nursery, no babies passed through either. I worked with the nicest gal today. She and I have boys 20 months old and were swapping stories. She was excited that Carson is getting interested in potty training and mentioned getting him trained before the baby came. I had to tell her that we had lost the baby. She felt really bad, but was very sympathetic. Tony came in to "check on me" and make sure I wasn't losing it in the nursery. That was so sweet of him. I love him so much, even when he drives me crazy.
We got a new(er) car last week, and managed to make it almost a week without scratching it. Colten was playing around in the garage with my gardening fork (used to fork out weeds) and put a big scratch in the passenger side door. Tony tried and tried, but he couldn't get it to fade away. Tony's friend also spilled a drink all over the passenger floor mat yesterday as well. The car may be two years old, but with only 3000 miles on it, it still has that "new car smell" but not for long at this rate! The best thing about the car (besides the awesome price) is that it has every option available. Most of the things we've never had before; heated seats, defrosting side mirrors, back-up sensors, the list goes on. It is nice to ride in, but sucks gas bad. It's getting close to the same mileage as our Isuzu Rodeo, it is just more noticeable when the mileage estimator by the gas gage shows only 290 miles to go right after you fill the 18 gallon tank! I'm used to my little Honda getting 400+ miles on 14 gallons. Big difference. There's the reason why I'm not driving the new car, the mileage.
Well, I'd better get back to correcting. Tony will only watch the boys for so long.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Not just good, but a great day!
Today was a great day! I can honestly say that today was the best day I've had in not just weeks, but months! Nothing special happened; the students were still chatty and wild, my kids were still fussy, but somehow it was completely different than the previous days. I felt like all of a sudden I was awake and wanting to have fun again.
As much as I wanted that baby, I realized today how miserable I was and how severely it affected my day to day life. How could I have been such a grouch for so many months and not realize how nasty I was. In the last 8 weeks I have been impatient, yelling, screaming, throwing things, and completely irrational. All those things are understandable being pregnant and hormonal, but today I realized just how extreme I was acting. The entire pregnancy I was angry at anything and everyone. I have never been so frustrated and upset so often before. I was even getting regular road rage! All that anger couldn't have been healthy.
Today, all of a sudden, I was patient, engaging, and really happy. I helped get the kids ready, had a great morning, and though I tried to stay serious, I laughed myself silly with the antics of my students. You know things were bad before when your co-workers and students notice the difference! Everyone I talked to today was asking me if I was different. Either a different hair style or cut, did I get more sleep, what?
How could just being pregnant have made me that terribly mean and miserable? I was just making do, not really doing well. I was just trying to survive. I must have been the most depressed mom, wife, and teacher. Everytime I tried to do something, I was exhausted. I could tell today, laughing with my students and playing with my boys, that they were wondering, "Who are you and why are you so fun now?" Looking back, I can't believe my family and students put up with all the crap I dealt them. My poor husband and children must have wanted to leave me. My husband is wonderful, I hope he knows it. He has put up with so much from me, I only hope I can make it up to him in the next few weeks. I want to get pregnant sometime in the future, but I don't want to feel miserable again.
So have I totally moved on from this miscarriage? No, I don't think so, but I do think that I've really started to move on from this. I was able to talk with several co-workers today about my miscarriage, and never shed a tear. I still think constantly about that baby, but realizing how horrible I felt through this pregnancy, I realize that my body was telling me, especially the last few weeks, that something was really wrong with it. I'll always miss that baby, but I have to say after today that I am really happy not to be pregnant. I was miserable, and everyone around me was miserable!
I do want to thank everyone who sent me cards and emails. All your thoughts and prayers have helped us get through this. All the girlfriends, thanks for the understanding and thoughts. I really do appreciate all the support in this tragedy. Thanks for everything. There will be bad days, I'm sure, but right now, I'm doing great. Now I just need to get back in shape after all these months of feeling so yucky. I'm back to the aerobics tomorrow!
So what am I doing now with all this new found energy? Well, Colten is staying with my parents tonight and is off to make cider with all the family in Oregon tomorrow. Carson is cranky, but asleep, and Tony is visiting friends. Me? I'm sitting in bed, ignoring the boxes of correcting and the baskets of laundry. I'm going to relax. Watch some tv, play some Xbox, read a good juicy romance novel (because I'm only one week into the six week ban), and maybe take a bath. I'm enjoying the time to myself, without feeling down, depressed, or crying.
As much as I wanted that baby, I realized today how miserable I was and how severely it affected my day to day life. How could I have been such a grouch for so many months and not realize how nasty I was. In the last 8 weeks I have been impatient, yelling, screaming, throwing things, and completely irrational. All those things are understandable being pregnant and hormonal, but today I realized just how extreme I was acting. The entire pregnancy I was angry at anything and everyone. I have never been so frustrated and upset so often before. I was even getting regular road rage! All that anger couldn't have been healthy.
Today, all of a sudden, I was patient, engaging, and really happy. I helped get the kids ready, had a great morning, and though I tried to stay serious, I laughed myself silly with the antics of my students. You know things were bad before when your co-workers and students notice the difference! Everyone I talked to today was asking me if I was different. Either a different hair style or cut, did I get more sleep, what?
How could just being pregnant have made me that terribly mean and miserable? I was just making do, not really doing well. I was just trying to survive. I must have been the most depressed mom, wife, and teacher. Everytime I tried to do something, I was exhausted. I could tell today, laughing with my students and playing with my boys, that they were wondering, "Who are you and why are you so fun now?" Looking back, I can't believe my family and students put up with all the crap I dealt them. My poor husband and children must have wanted to leave me. My husband is wonderful, I hope he knows it. He has put up with so much from me, I only hope I can make it up to him in the next few weeks. I want to get pregnant sometime in the future, but I don't want to feel miserable again.
So have I totally moved on from this miscarriage? No, I don't think so, but I do think that I've really started to move on from this. I was able to talk with several co-workers today about my miscarriage, and never shed a tear. I still think constantly about that baby, but realizing how horrible I felt through this pregnancy, I realize that my body was telling me, especially the last few weeks, that something was really wrong with it. I'll always miss that baby, but I have to say after today that I am really happy not to be pregnant. I was miserable, and everyone around me was miserable!
I do want to thank everyone who sent me cards and emails. All your thoughts and prayers have helped us get through this. All the girlfriends, thanks for the understanding and thoughts. I really do appreciate all the support in this tragedy. Thanks for everything. There will be bad days, I'm sure, but right now, I'm doing great. Now I just need to get back in shape after all these months of feeling so yucky. I'm back to the aerobics tomorrow!
So what am I doing now with all this new found energy? Well, Colten is staying with my parents tonight and is off to make cider with all the family in Oregon tomorrow. Carson is cranky, but asleep, and Tony is visiting friends. Me? I'm sitting in bed, ignoring the boxes of correcting and the baskets of laundry. I'm going to relax. Watch some tv, play some Xbox, read a good juicy romance novel (because I'm only one week into the six week ban), and maybe take a bath. I'm enjoying the time to myself, without feeling down, depressed, or crying.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Nursing Nightmare?
Carson is cutting his eye-teeth. This makes him cranky and unbearable to be around when he is awake, but then he also is up at night! I was up with him last night and rocked him back to sleep. You can tell Mommy needs more sleep when she gets ready to nurse her not-nursing 20 month old. Carson wanted nothing to do with the boobs and fussed startling me out of my daze. I haven't nursed him at night in 9 months! It must be the habit coming back, like turning to go to the old house, not the new one, or writing your maiden name, even though you've been married for years! Maybe it's the boobs wishing they had a healthy baby to feed!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
First Day Back
Today was my first day back at work. It went ok. I only teared up a couple of times. There were lots of welcome backs that helped me get through the day. It would help if I had gotten some sleep last night. I woke up at 3:00, tired, but hungry. I finally fell back asleep close to 5, and was dreaming nice when the alarm went off. It'll be an early night tonight.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Did someone say "Potty"?
Well, the dogs showed up at my parent's house this morning; hungry, tired, and stinky. They reeked of skunk, or at least Buddy did. They spent the day in misery chained up while Tony and I ran our errands. We got to bathe Buddy tonight for the stink. It helped, but there is still a strong lingering aroma about him.
As I was giving Carson a bath tonight he decided to pee in the bathtub. This is a common occurrence, but the amazing thing is that he told me "Potty!" while doing it. I pulled out the little potty seat we used to train Colten and Carson spent 15 minutes sitting on it, pretending to pull his pants on and off. It was cute! I'm hoping he'll get into it and we can get him out of diapers. Less laundry for me then!
I went to the chiropractor again today. He was amazed by the improvement, and so was I. I fell asleep and slept for 6+ hours last night without interruptions, drug free! I was up early (4:45) this morning, but have seemed to have energy all day. The back cracker said that I just need to come in for one last adjustment next week to work out any kinks, and I'm good to go. I haven't had this much energy in a month. I realize that about the time the baby must have died, my body and mind started dragging. It was the time that my kids were sick and I was stressed out with school and outdoor school. Now, I feel like I can accomplish all the work that needs to be done, and there is lots of it to do! It's almost like reverse nesting, I notice every window smudge, cobweb, paint chip, and dirt smudge in my house! I feel like I need another week to get my house put back together, but I'm back to work tomorrow.
I met with a good girlfriend of mine today for coffee. She has always had rough pregnancies. She usually knows she's expecting from throwing up everyday, but she never makes enough hormone to show up on a test. She's had some miscarriages in the past, but thinks she's about 14 weeks along this time. Her doc thinks it might be a thyroid problem and has run blood tests, but forgot to do a blood preg. test. The girlfriend goes in again Thursday and please pray that the doc is convinced it's not in her imagination. My friend is praying for an ultrasound that shows a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat. She could use some positive prayer sent her way.
This will likely be my last post for a while. Now that I'm back to work tomorrow I'll be spending less time blogging and more time entering grades. It's strange how in the space of a week this blog has become my thoughts and feelings, not just what the family was up to that week. It is truly a blog with the good, bad, and venting in it.
As I was giving Carson a bath tonight he decided to pee in the bathtub. This is a common occurrence, but the amazing thing is that he told me "Potty!" while doing it. I pulled out the little potty seat we used to train Colten and Carson spent 15 minutes sitting on it, pretending to pull his pants on and off. It was cute! I'm hoping he'll get into it and we can get him out of diapers. Less laundry for me then!
I went to the chiropractor again today. He was amazed by the improvement, and so was I. I fell asleep and slept for 6+ hours last night without interruptions, drug free! I was up early (4:45) this morning, but have seemed to have energy all day. The back cracker said that I just need to come in for one last adjustment next week to work out any kinks, and I'm good to go. I haven't had this much energy in a month. I realize that about the time the baby must have died, my body and mind started dragging. It was the time that my kids were sick and I was stressed out with school and outdoor school. Now, I feel like I can accomplish all the work that needs to be done, and there is lots of it to do! It's almost like reverse nesting, I notice every window smudge, cobweb, paint chip, and dirt smudge in my house! I feel like I need another week to get my house put back together, but I'm back to work tomorrow.
I met with a good girlfriend of mine today for coffee. She has always had rough pregnancies. She usually knows she's expecting from throwing up everyday, but she never makes enough hormone to show up on a test. She's had some miscarriages in the past, but thinks she's about 14 weeks along this time. Her doc thinks it might be a thyroid problem and has run blood tests, but forgot to do a blood preg. test. The girlfriend goes in again Thursday and please pray that the doc is convinced it's not in her imagination. My friend is praying for an ultrasound that shows a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat. She could use some positive prayer sent her way.
This will likely be my last post for a while. Now that I'm back to work tomorrow I'll be spending less time blogging and more time entering grades. It's strange how in the space of a week this blog has become my thoughts and feelings, not just what the family was up to that week. It is truly a blog with the good, bad, and venting in it.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Can a week get any worse?!?
My husband is currently out looking desperately for our bad, bad, dogs! This is the second time this week they have taken off. Buddy tore up the invisible fence this last week, probably because he is objecting to being chained up again now that the in-laws are gone. Both dogs have been missing for 14 hours, and I don't know if my hubby can handle anymore stress. He's been great this last week while I was a nut crying all over everything, but he just can't deal with losing these dogs. To make it worse, it is hunting season! The dogs have a bad habit of chasing critters, but the last thing they need is to be shot at as well. It really has Tony and I worrying and praying desperately for their safe return. The last few times the dogs have taken off they have returned quickly and safely. However, in the past, Sara has run into a porcupine and Buddy has swallowed (and puked up) a big stick. We don't have the money right now to deal with the emergency vet bills, or any vet bills at all!
I know if the dogs do come back hurt though, we will do all we can to get them healthy. I don't need to be worrying about my husband and our checking account tonight! I won't worry about the dogs, they'll either show up or not. I'll pray for them. Actually, maybe this is what I need to worry about tonight!
This is my first night in a week trying to sleep without any meds at all. Last night was a hormone hot flash nightmare that quickly reminded me why I hate being on my period. I couldn't get comfortable no matter how many clothes and covers I peeled off me. Then I started to cry, and once I started I couldn't hold it in. Hopefully worrying about the dogs and Tony will let me fall into a deep sleep and I'll stay there for 8+ hours. I could only wish. I haven't slept deeply since June!
I know if the dogs do come back hurt though, we will do all we can to get them healthy. I don't need to be worrying about my husband and our checking account tonight! I won't worry about the dogs, they'll either show up or not. I'll pray for them. Actually, maybe this is what I need to worry about tonight!
This is my first night in a week trying to sleep without any meds at all. Last night was a hormone hot flash nightmare that quickly reminded me why I hate being on my period. I couldn't get comfortable no matter how many clothes and covers I peeled off me. Then I started to cry, and once I started I couldn't hold it in. Hopefully worrying about the dogs and Tony will let me fall into a deep sleep and I'll stay there for 8+ hours. I could only wish. I haven't slept deeply since June!
First week as 30!
With all the nasty stuff going on in our family, I never commented on my birthday. I turned 30 last Sunday, when this whole mess started. My mother-in-law fixed me an early Thanksgiving dinner (since they won't be here) and I stuffed myself on turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, corn and cake. My parents and brother were up for dinner also. My mom was exhausted after just completing her 10th Portland marathon.
My grandmother and aunt sent me a beautiful "loving family" necklace. I've put the necklace away safe until we have a healthy baby. My parents got me flower bulbs and my brother is going to put in the labor to help me plant them all. My husband, and in-laws put money towards a dinner of my choice. When my parents get back Tony and I are going to enjoy a nice dinner out at the Melting Pot. I want to enjoy every second of my long dinner, and now can enjoy some excellent drinks too. It is strange that as you get older, the things you want the most are not things themselves, but time with loved ones.
This last week has been horrible, but I am healing now. It is strange how much you life can change in a week. Last Sunday was the day the spotting started. I thought all would be fine and was looking forward to my ultrasound Wednesday. Now I'm trying to heal my body and mind and get back to life as usual.
Even my body is recovering from surgery still. Check out the bruise from my IV!! I was shaking so bad from pain when they put it in that it's a huge bruise. I went to my chiropractor today and he worked my back and neck over for 20 minutes. I sure feel better after being adjusted though. He said that my body is really only running at 50% efficiency right now because of the stress load I'm carrying. He gave me some good relaxing exercises to help me sleep at night and I go in again tomorrow to check for improvement.
Mentally I'm dealing better. I've made a little memory box with all of the baby's memories and sympathy cards in it. I plan to pull it out an look it over when I'm sad and needing to remember this. The flowers from my school staff are beautiful and were a wonderful gift from them.
Small things continue to set off the tears, but small things are healing my heart. The best things I've received are the hugs and kisses from my boys, even the sloppy ones, the happy giggle of my kids when I'm playing with them, and the hugs and cuddles from my husband.
Yesterday I chickened out of going to church. I figured it would be too difficult for me to be there and so Tony took the boys. It was difficult for him to be there. Most of the couples there our age have kids close to our boy's ages and many of them are pregnant now. One couple even had their new baby boy (born on the 8th, the day of my surgery) there and were showing him off. I'll need to be at church next week because I'm working in the toddler nursery. I think I'll be alright in there if I can just avoid the many pregnant bellies. At least I won't need to meet and greet everyone who knew and saw me pregnant with my now flat belly and answer all those questions. I'm just not ready for it yet.
People keep trying to tell me not to blame myself and that these things "just happen". I'm not angry at myself or anyone, not even God. What does get me angry though is my friends and acquaintances who are pregnant. It sounds so mean to be angry at them, I should, and am in a way happy for them. But I can't help but be mad that they get to keep their babies while mine is gone forever! It just seems so unfair. I can't explain my anger away, so I just try to avoid those pregnant people.
I'm seeing one girlfriend tomorrow though. I'm loaning her all my maternity clothes. I'm mad but yet so happy for her. She's surprised to be pregnant with #4, but has suffered three losses in between having her boys. All is going well so far with this baby, but I'm sure she is still scared. She has been a great source of comfort this last week, even being pregnant, she has known what to say and do to help me. She's been there and experienced it.
Thinking back to all the times someone I know has lost a baby, I've never been intentionally insensitive, but I know my comments didn't help those people. You can't know the right things to say or do unless you've gone through it yourself. Even those people who have experienced miscarriages, still say things that make it worse for me, not helping me. It's one of those things that bonds people together in ways strange and unknown to most people.
Tomorrow is my last day off. I'm determined to be back at work on Wednesday. I need to be there. Time is passing, progress reports are due soon, and my pet project for this year is needing my attention. So if I seem distracted or short on details this week in posts, It's because I'm keeping busy and my mind is working overtime on other things. It just might be what I need to get past some of this last week.
My grandmother and aunt sent me a beautiful "loving family" necklace. I've put the necklace away safe until we have a healthy baby. My parents got me flower bulbs and my brother is going to put in the labor to help me plant them all. My husband, and in-laws put money towards a dinner of my choice. When my parents get back Tony and I are going to enjoy a nice dinner out at the Melting Pot. I want to enjoy every second of my long dinner, and now can enjoy some excellent drinks too. It is strange that as you get older, the things you want the most are not things themselves, but time with loved ones.This last week has been horrible, but I am healing now. It is strange how much you life can change in a week. Last Sunday was the day the spotting started. I thought all would be fine and was looking forward to my ultrasound Wednesday. Now I'm trying to heal my body and mind and get back to life as usual.
Even my body is recovering from surgery still. Check out the bruise from my IV!! I was shaking so bad from pain when they put it in that it's a huge bruise. I went to my chiropractor today and he worked my back and neck over for 20 minutes. I sure feel better after being adjusted though. He said that my body is really only running at 50% efficiency right now because of the stress load I'm carrying. He gave me some good relaxing exercises to help me sleep at night and I go in again tomorrow to check for improvement.
Mentally I'm dealing better. I've made a little memory box with all of the baby's memories and sympathy cards in it. I plan to pull it out an look it over when I'm sad and needing to remember this. The flowers from my school staff are beautiful and were a wonderful gift from them.
Small things continue to set off the tears, but small things are healing my heart. The best things I've received are the hugs and kisses from my boys, even the sloppy ones, the happy giggle of my kids when I'm playing with them, and the hugs and cuddles from my husband.Yesterday I chickened out of going to church. I figured it would be too difficult for me to be there and so Tony took the boys. It was difficult for him to be there. Most of the couples there our age have kids close to our boy's ages and many of them are pregnant now. One couple even had their new baby boy (born on the 8th, the day of my surgery) there and were showing him off. I'll need to be at church next week because I'm working in the toddler nursery. I think I'll be alright in there if I can just avoid the many pregnant bellies. At least I won't need to meet and greet everyone who knew and saw me pregnant with my now flat belly and answer all those questions. I'm just not ready for it yet.
People keep trying to tell me not to blame myself and that these things "just happen". I'm not angry at myself or anyone, not even God. What does get me angry though is my friends and acquaintances who are pregnant. It sounds so mean to be angry at them, I should, and am in a way happy for them. But I can't help but be mad that they get to keep their babies while mine is gone forever! It just seems so unfair. I can't explain my anger away, so I just try to avoid those pregnant people.
I'm seeing one girlfriend tomorrow though. I'm loaning her all my maternity clothes. I'm mad but yet so happy for her. She's surprised to be pregnant with #4, but has suffered three losses in between having her boys. All is going well so far with this baby, but I'm sure she is still scared. She has been a great source of comfort this last week, even being pregnant, she has known what to say and do to help me. She's been there and experienced it.
Thinking back to all the times someone I know has lost a baby, I've never been intentionally insensitive, but I know my comments didn't help those people. You can't know the right things to say or do unless you've gone through it yourself. Even those people who have experienced miscarriages, still say things that make it worse for me, not helping me. It's one of those things that bonds people together in ways strange and unknown to most people.
Tomorrow is my last day off. I'm determined to be back at work on Wednesday. I need to be there. Time is passing, progress reports are due soon, and my pet project for this year is needing my attention. So if I seem distracted or short on details this week in posts, It's because I'm keeping busy and my mind is working overtime on other things. It just might be what I need to get past some of this last week.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Two poems for my baby
I didn’t have to look into your eyes to fall in love with you.
I didn’t need to hear you cry to know you loved me too.
I didn’t need to hold your hand to cherish you for always.
Within my womb, we shared our hearts.
You touched my soul.You sweetened my spirit.
You gave me memories I’ll always hold dear.
Yes. My heart aches since you departed too soon.
But a mother’s love does not end with death.
For you are my child. Forever my love is yours.
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone,
This world was worthy not of me,
God chose that I move on,
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”
But that won’t soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips and
Then you’ll understand.
Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn’t mean I never “was”
… An Angel Never Dies.
Today was a lousy day for me. I just felt down and out of it all day. I tried to sleep, but couldn't turn my mind and tears off. I've tried to stay active, but couldn't get motivated. I think my body has finally realized the baby is gone. I've been cranky and nasty all day, and started spotting again, just like a regular period. Tony I and actually talked about ourselves a little today. It wasn't just a passing of supervision of kids, but looking at each other, holding each other, and talking about how we are doing. He says he's so proud of how well I'm coping, but still, the tears just choke me up and once I start I can't stop. I think my biggest obstacle still to overcome is sleep. I've been getting 6 hours straight thanks to some prescription help from my doc. But tonight is my last one. I'm on my own after this. I've got to start sleeping better without help, or else I'm just going to keep getting more worn out and worse off. I can only hope that once I start work and exercising again that I'll be too worn out to keep my brain going at night. Hopefully tomorrow is better than today was.
Carson's new skills
Carson is such a different child from what Colten was like at 19 months! This last week Carson has learned to turn on the TV with the remote and turn the volume to the loudest setting. He is also skilled at turning on the new Xbox with the controller, even when the doors to the cabinet are closed. Carson's new language skills include two word sentences, like "shoes on!" and "juice please." He is also very good at assuming everything is "mine!" This makes live more interesting with big brother and all the toys.
Today the boys were fussing around with the toys and I got fed up and told them both to go to there rooms. Both boys did as I asked, and mellowed out. Carson locked his bedroom door. He'd locked my bedroom door this morning, but I had thought it was an accident. So there I was downstairs getting dinner ready, yelling upstairs for Colten to open Carson's door and come down for dinner. Colten was yelling back that the door was stuck and wouldn't open. The kid locked it. He was just fine hanging out in his room with his toys. Fortunately, our doors are the kind of locking doors that have the hole in the handle and to unlock it you put something small through the hole. We have discovered that the stick on a Q-tip was just the perfect size and strength to unlock the door. We will be fine as long as Carson doesn't lock us out of our bathroom now.
The weather was great today so Tony took my boys outside to pick up leaves. Colten has quite a collection of maple leaves drying in the garage. He won't let up put them outside or move them. He wants them to stay in the garage and be warm and dry. Carson was just having fun playing in the dirt and chasing the kitties. It was good to see my boys out playing in the sun. I know we won't have it around much longer to enjoy.
Today the boys were fussing around with the toys and I got fed up and told them both to go to there rooms. Both boys did as I asked, and mellowed out. Carson locked his bedroom door. He'd locked my bedroom door this morning, but I had thought it was an accident. So there I was downstairs getting dinner ready, yelling upstairs for Colten to open Carson's door and come down for dinner. Colten was yelling back that the door was stuck and wouldn't open. The kid locked it. He was just fine hanging out in his room with his toys. Fortunately, our doors are the kind of locking doors that have the hole in the handle and to unlock it you put something small through the hole. We have discovered that the stick on a Q-tip was just the perfect size and strength to unlock the door. We will be fine as long as Carson doesn't lock us out of our bathroom now.
The weather was great today so Tony took my boys outside to pick up leaves. Colten has quite a collection of maple leaves drying in the garage. He won't let up put them outside or move them. He wants them to stay in the garage and be warm and dry. Carson was just having fun playing in the dirt and chasing the kitties. It was good to see my boys out playing in the sun. I know we won't have it around much longer to enjoy.
Friday, October 10, 2008
A day of thanks
Each day is getting better for me. Today I got out of the house and enjoyed myself. I even forgot my problems for a little while. It sounds terrible, but when something bad like a miscarriage happens, it shows you how much people care about you. I'm the independent type of person who has never relied on having people around me all the time. The support Tony and I have had from friends and family these last few days has been truly amazing though. I just want to thank all the friends and family who have sent cards and emails of support, prayers, and love for us. I need to thank all the girlfriends for our play date this morning and not making things awkward at all. It was wonderful to forget my problems and just talk about our kids and husbands, not me and my dead baby. Thanks to all the people who have made us dinner and given us meals. It has been a blessing not to worry about cooking food on top of all else. Thanks to my school and the staff there. Everyone has been so supportive and helpful. They've even created lesson plans and ran copies for me. The flowers are beautiful too. The box full of papers to correct over this weekend will keep me busy and my mind off the baby.
Thanks to my children today for being cranky and needy enough to keep my mind and hands focused on them and not myself. Colten even asked so many questions in the car driving that I had almost no time to think to myself. Carson is teething and has been very clingy all day since he hasn't really seen much of me the last few days. It has been helpful to cuddle him in his misery because sometimes I've needed just to sit and rock a warm something back to sleep. He didn't nap well today, but I got 1/2 an hour of snuggles which was worth all the temper he gave later.
I want to especially thank my husband. He has been everything I have needed these last few days. He has put up with my emotional mood swings, gone away when I've asked, cuddled when I've wanted him close, and yet has never asked me for anything. He has taken care of the kids and myself, making sure I'm resting and not overdoing it. I know he is grieving, but he doesn't show it much. I wish I could support and help him with this loss as much as he has helped me. I just hope he reads this and understands what a wonderful man he is to me. Honey, it is just tough to put all these emotions into words, but I'll try to tell you all this in person.
Today was better and I'm sure each day that follows will get better. I can't say the day is good, but better is right. I got up this morning and got a shower. My eyes weren't so puffy from crying that Colten teased me about them anymore. I even managed to go most of the day with only tearing up at times, not spontaneous tear bursts. Until this afternoon, being tired, the George Strait song, "I saw God today," came on the radio and the fact that it was about the birth of a baby girl, I lost it there in the car. After that I've cried at the cards and flowers that have come in. But I'm recovering now with some good chocolate and reflection. You've got to love Almond Roca for therapy. If only I had a nice cold glass of wine, or not. I'm sure I'd be asleep before finishing this post.
Tony took Colten to the high school football game tonight. Tony might have asked if I wanted to go and bring Carson, but he knows how much I don't like football, much less standing outside on a cold (32 degrees) night to watch high schoolers I don't know pound on each other. So Tony bundled up Colten to go and socialize (it's a small town) and Carson and I are going to bed early. I just hope I sleep through the night. My doctor gave me something to help me sleep for a while, but it seems to work for 6 hours. That doesn't get me very close to the 8-10 I'm needing. I'm hoping it'll get better soon.
For those you praying for me, please also pray for Kathy. She is a friend of a friend, but just found out that she was having twins, lost one twin, and this last week lost the other. She is only 8 weeks along, but still needs prayer for her. She has had to go through the loss twice.
Thanks to my children today for being cranky and needy enough to keep my mind and hands focused on them and not myself. Colten even asked so many questions in the car driving that I had almost no time to think to myself. Carson is teething and has been very clingy all day since he hasn't really seen much of me the last few days. It has been helpful to cuddle him in his misery because sometimes I've needed just to sit and rock a warm something back to sleep. He didn't nap well today, but I got 1/2 an hour of snuggles which was worth all the temper he gave later.
I want to especially thank my husband. He has been everything I have needed these last few days. He has put up with my emotional mood swings, gone away when I've asked, cuddled when I've wanted him close, and yet has never asked me for anything. He has taken care of the kids and myself, making sure I'm resting and not overdoing it. I know he is grieving, but he doesn't show it much. I wish I could support and help him with this loss as much as he has helped me. I just hope he reads this and understands what a wonderful man he is to me. Honey, it is just tough to put all these emotions into words, but I'll try to tell you all this in person.
Today was better and I'm sure each day that follows will get better. I can't say the day is good, but better is right. I got up this morning and got a shower. My eyes weren't so puffy from crying that Colten teased me about them anymore. I even managed to go most of the day with only tearing up at times, not spontaneous tear bursts. Until this afternoon, being tired, the George Strait song, "I saw God today," came on the radio and the fact that it was about the birth of a baby girl, I lost it there in the car. After that I've cried at the cards and flowers that have come in. But I'm recovering now with some good chocolate and reflection. You've got to love Almond Roca for therapy. If only I had a nice cold glass of wine, or not. I'm sure I'd be asleep before finishing this post.
Tony took Colten to the high school football game tonight. Tony might have asked if I wanted to go and bring Carson, but he knows how much I don't like football, much less standing outside on a cold (32 degrees) night to watch high schoolers I don't know pound on each other. So Tony bundled up Colten to go and socialize (it's a small town) and Carson and I are going to bed early. I just hope I sleep through the night. My doctor gave me something to help me sleep for a while, but it seems to work for 6 hours. That doesn't get me very close to the 8-10 I'm needing. I'm hoping it'll get better soon.
For those you praying for me, please also pray for Kathy. She is a friend of a friend, but just found out that she was having twins, lost one twin, and this last week lost the other. She is only 8 weeks along, but still needs prayer for her. She has had to go through the loss twice.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Starting to move on
Today was much better than yesterday. My pain is gone and bleeding is almost stopped. Physically I'm doing fine. Mentally, I'm starting to move on. I stayed busy today, maybe a little too busy. I got school work done, kitchen cleaned, laundry done. Anything to keep busy. I did get a headache this afternoon though. I even got a shower. Getting out of the shower and going to the closet was bad though. I'll be doing fine and then one small thing will set off the tears and emotions. The closet with all the maternity clothes did it for me. I was quickly motivated to pack up all those. Thank goodness I fit back into my regular clothes. I'm not the same dementions, but they fit. Some clothes were boxed up to share with a friend, others put away for next time. I also put the ultrasound pictures and the pregnancy test in a box to pull out later.
Today was the first time Tony and I have mentioned "next time". I know my husband is pleased with only having two healthy kids and scared to try again. He doesn't want to go through this again. I feel a need to have another. I've always wanted a bigger family so I really want another. Tony knows this and we each respect each other's opinions. If we try again it probably won't be until this spring. We need some time to work through our grief with this.
Tomorrow I am on my own with the boys. I've got a playdate planned for the morning and plan to rest in the afternoon. Maybe I'll go visit my aunt and her kids since the have the day off school as well. It'll be great to get out of the house and see other people.
It is strange how I don't want to share my experience with some people, but yet can open up and share it with others. One friend kept asking all these questions and wanted to know all the details, but yet never has lost a baby. I just wanted to tell her to read my blog and leave me alone, but she was bringing a dinner and didn't want to tick her off. Another friend has lost two babies at 16 and 20 weeks so she was great to talk to and share experiences. I could open up and share every gory detail with her, and she doesn't know my blog address even. It is just strange. It is strange how unwilling to share some of this I was though.
Talking with one of my girlfriends, she was surprised how much I had shared and written about this miscarriage. I just need to get it all out in writing. My husband is great, but doesn't want to continually talk and rehash my feelings. He is dealing with his own grief, so writing all this out is my therapy, my venting and help. The same girlfriend had lost her first baby to miscarriage, and asked if I thought I was dealing with it better because I had already had two healthy pregnancies and kids. I really think having had two healthy children does make it easier. I know this miscarriage was not a lacking on my part. I also have not just a husband, but two boys to play and cuddle with. They sure keep my mind off my loss when I'm chasing them around the house. I can feel confident that I will go on to have a healthy baby in my arms after this tragedy.
I have started to come to terms with "why" this happened. I don't really know, but I do know God had a plan. Tony and I agree we were not prepared to raise a child with severe disabilities, and maybe God realized how overwhelmed I would be with two little ones only two years apart. I can't blame anyone, even God, and know if I let myself get angry, it will eat me alive.
I plan to go back to work on Wednesday. I did some research and discovered that ironically, this is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Strange huh! I do want to thank everyone who has helped us with this ordeal. All the friends and family who have called and emailed have been wonderful. We've been given so much food I won't have to cook for a week! We've had great dinners the last few nights from wonderful cooks. So many people have been praying for a fast recovery. It has been good to have everyone close at this time.
Today was the first time Tony and I have mentioned "next time". I know my husband is pleased with only having two healthy kids and scared to try again. He doesn't want to go through this again. I feel a need to have another. I've always wanted a bigger family so I really want another. Tony knows this and we each respect each other's opinions. If we try again it probably won't be until this spring. We need some time to work through our grief with this.
Tomorrow I am on my own with the boys. I've got a playdate planned for the morning and plan to rest in the afternoon. Maybe I'll go visit my aunt and her kids since the have the day off school as well. It'll be great to get out of the house and see other people.
It is strange how I don't want to share my experience with some people, but yet can open up and share it with others. One friend kept asking all these questions and wanted to know all the details, but yet never has lost a baby. I just wanted to tell her to read my blog and leave me alone, but she was bringing a dinner and didn't want to tick her off. Another friend has lost two babies at 16 and 20 weeks so she was great to talk to and share experiences. I could open up and share every gory detail with her, and she doesn't know my blog address even. It is just strange. It is strange how unwilling to share some of this I was though.
Talking with one of my girlfriends, she was surprised how much I had shared and written about this miscarriage. I just need to get it all out in writing. My husband is great, but doesn't want to continually talk and rehash my feelings. He is dealing with his own grief, so writing all this out is my therapy, my venting and help. The same girlfriend had lost her first baby to miscarriage, and asked if I thought I was dealing with it better because I had already had two healthy pregnancies and kids. I really think having had two healthy children does make it easier. I know this miscarriage was not a lacking on my part. I also have not just a husband, but two boys to play and cuddle with. They sure keep my mind off my loss when I'm chasing them around the house. I can feel confident that I will go on to have a healthy baby in my arms after this tragedy.
I have started to come to terms with "why" this happened. I don't really know, but I do know God had a plan. Tony and I agree we were not prepared to raise a child with severe disabilities, and maybe God realized how overwhelmed I would be with two little ones only two years apart. I can't blame anyone, even God, and know if I let myself get angry, it will eat me alive.
I plan to go back to work on Wednesday. I did some research and discovered that ironically, this is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Strange huh! I do want to thank everyone who has helped us with this ordeal. All the friends and family who have called and emailed have been wonderful. We've been given so much food I won't have to cook for a week! We've had great dinners the last few nights from wonderful cooks. So many people have been praying for a fast recovery. It has been good to have everyone close at this time.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
A day of good byes
Today was a busy, sad day. First my parents have left on their first vacation of retirement!!! They are in Montana on their way to Yellowstone. My dad wants to see the first snowfall of Autumn there. I think it will be beautiful and hope they send me lots of pictures from their new i-phone. I think it was very difficult for them to leave me, but I wanted them to enjoy vacation and not postpone it.
My in-laws have packed up and winterized their apartment and are on their way to Tucson. They are stopping at Crater Lake and Las Vegas along the way to visit and sight see. They left this morning, and I think it was also difficult for them to leave us at this time.
This morning we also said good bye to our baby. It was a terrible time, and I know both Tony and I wished dearly for our moms (please don't feel guilty:) but we had each other. It was very rough and even tougher because it felt sort of like our biggest supporters had abandoned us.
As for the details, my doc had given me medicine to take this morning to start dilating my cervix and make it easier for the D & C. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight, so I spent my time in bed this morning, crying and crampy. I was fine when I got in the car, but by the time I got to the hospital (30 min. away) I was having very painful contractions and my entire body was numb. The worst part was my hands were shaking badly and were cramped into "claws" that I couldn't move. I was supposed to register through outpatient services, but when Tony realized I couldn't walk and was in pain, he took me to the ER. I started the registration sitting next to a cute pregnant couple coming in for a full term delivery. Could it get any worse? So after the ER nurse sorted it out that I was there for a procedure, I was taken back to surgery.
While they were getting the paperwork all sorted out my pains got worse quickly. I have never been in such pain, and now realize how wonderful epidurals have been to me. I was given some great drugs to take the edge off the pain, but still was struggling to breath through contractions. I didn't pass out while they drew blood or put in my IV though!! But of course the nurse said that I was probably in too much pain to pass out. The worst part of all was feeling my water break and pressure from the baby moving lower. Just when I didn't think I could go on without screaming from pain and heartache, my meds kicked in and my wonderful anaesthesiologist got me ready for surgery. I remember being wheeled into the OR and the warm fuzzy blankets they covered my arms and neck with. The next thing I remember is a nurse trying to wake me up from a dream about teaching.
I am doing fine, better than yesterday or this morning. I have got the closure I needed. I'm no longer bursting into tears at every thought or pictures of babies which makes it much easier for my husband. I know Tony was worried that this dead baby would become an obsession to me and keep pulling me down into a dark pit of depression, but I feel ready to move on. I have no desire to name this baby or cry for all the "what ifs" for the next week. I'm looking forward to spending time with the boys instead. I've got plans for my time off.
I have more than enough school work to keep my mind and hands busy for tomorrow. Friday I am hoping to feel up to a playdate with the girlfriends. Sometime, maybe this weekend or Monday my brother has offered to dig holes as a birthday present (from him) to plant tulip and daffodil bulbs (b-day present from mom). Since my stomach is now relatively flat and I'm sweating and bleeding out the excess fluids, I'm planning to box up the maternity clothes. I have a good friend who is needing some of them and I think getting them out of the closet and putting my "regular" clothes back will stop negative memories from hitting me as much.
Tony and I weren't told what the sex of the baby is, but somehow are pretty sure that it was a girl. I'm moving on though, and should heal well. This bleeding is just like a period, and even though it's been a while, the routines fall in place. The roughest part will be on Tony. He is taking care of not just me but the boys, dealing with his own grief, and I am under orders for no "relations" for six weeks. Things will certainly be interesting around here as we heal and move on together.
My in-laws have packed up and winterized their apartment and are on their way to Tucson. They are stopping at Crater Lake and Las Vegas along the way to visit and sight see. They left this morning, and I think it was also difficult for them to leave us at this time.
This morning we also said good bye to our baby. It was a terrible time, and I know both Tony and I wished dearly for our moms (please don't feel guilty:) but we had each other. It was very rough and even tougher because it felt sort of like our biggest supporters had abandoned us.
As for the details, my doc had given me medicine to take this morning to start dilating my cervix and make it easier for the D & C. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight, so I spent my time in bed this morning, crying and crampy. I was fine when I got in the car, but by the time I got to the hospital (30 min. away) I was having very painful contractions and my entire body was numb. The worst part was my hands were shaking badly and were cramped into "claws" that I couldn't move. I was supposed to register through outpatient services, but when Tony realized I couldn't walk and was in pain, he took me to the ER. I started the registration sitting next to a cute pregnant couple coming in for a full term delivery. Could it get any worse? So after the ER nurse sorted it out that I was there for a procedure, I was taken back to surgery.
While they were getting the paperwork all sorted out my pains got worse quickly. I have never been in such pain, and now realize how wonderful epidurals have been to me. I was given some great drugs to take the edge off the pain, but still was struggling to breath through contractions. I didn't pass out while they drew blood or put in my IV though!! But of course the nurse said that I was probably in too much pain to pass out. The worst part of all was feeling my water break and pressure from the baby moving lower. Just when I didn't think I could go on without screaming from pain and heartache, my meds kicked in and my wonderful anaesthesiologist got me ready for surgery. I remember being wheeled into the OR and the warm fuzzy blankets they covered my arms and neck with. The next thing I remember is a nurse trying to wake me up from a dream about teaching.
I am doing fine, better than yesterday or this morning. I have got the closure I needed. I'm no longer bursting into tears at every thought or pictures of babies which makes it much easier for my husband. I know Tony was worried that this dead baby would become an obsession to me and keep pulling me down into a dark pit of depression, but I feel ready to move on. I have no desire to name this baby or cry for all the "what ifs" for the next week. I'm looking forward to spending time with the boys instead. I've got plans for my time off.
I have more than enough school work to keep my mind and hands busy for tomorrow. Friday I am hoping to feel up to a playdate with the girlfriends. Sometime, maybe this weekend or Monday my brother has offered to dig holes as a birthday present (from him) to plant tulip and daffodil bulbs (b-day present from mom). Since my stomach is now relatively flat and I'm sweating and bleeding out the excess fluids, I'm planning to box up the maternity clothes. I have a good friend who is needing some of them and I think getting them out of the closet and putting my "regular" clothes back will stop negative memories from hitting me as much.
Tony and I weren't told what the sex of the baby is, but somehow are pretty sure that it was a girl. I'm moving on though, and should heal well. This bleeding is just like a period, and even though it's been a while, the routines fall in place. The roughest part will be on Tony. He is taking care of not just me but the boys, dealing with his own grief, and I am under orders for no "relations" for six weeks. Things will certainly be interesting around here as we heal and move on together.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
12 hours left!
Tomorrow is the day my little baby will be gone. I have only 12 short hours left with it. Even knowing that I’ve carried this dead baby within me for 3 weeks doesn’t make this time go any faster. I’m trying to look and act positive and normal, but it just isn’t working. Everytime my husband leaves my side to deal with the boys, I just wander and burst into tears. Just the thought of even my wonderful doctor, reaching inside me and suctioning my baby out, is unbearable. But the thought of miscarrying at home, and wondering how long it would take for my body to realize this baby is dead, well, I can’t deal with that either.
Tony says our baby is in heaven, and has been there for a while. He said that he had been having paranoia and doubts about this baby, and that it wasn’t just me. It helps to know that I wasn’t just a crazy one, but oh, I wish so bad that I could have just been any other paranoid pregnant lady. I wish that we had seen a healthy active baby on the screen today. Not that I got to see the screen at all. You know something is wrong when the ultrasound tech won’t even turn the screen to you. Tony knew something was wrong and had to stop looking half way through the test.
Part of me is mad that I didn’t demand to see one last look at my baby. Because it is considered a miscarriage, I get nothing by the ultrasound from 10 weeks when I was told that a had only a 3% chance of still losing the baby. I wish I had stopped and really enjoyed the few kicks and flutters I felt. I wish I knew the sex so we could name it and get hand and foot prints. But instead my baby will be jarred up and sent to a lab for testing. IF the tissue growth works, then the lab might be able to tell us what caused the death of our baby and the sex. We may get back a big fat “don’t know” from the lab and forever be questioning this.
Tony is worried about me becoming depressed and sinking so low I can’t get out. I really need to watch myself and seek help before I sink. I know I need to think positively, but what is the world for if I can’t wallow in my grief and misery in the final hours of this pregnancy???? I need to vent!!! I could talk to my family or friends, many of whom have had similar experiences. I could talk to my husband who is wallowing in his own grief and dealing with it in his way. But I need to get it all out. I need to remember everything I can about this baby and the short time I carried it. I need to make this pregnancy important, if only to preserve the memory of a lost child.
I’ve never dealt with grief really before. I’ve lost animals over the years. I’ve dealt with heartache and lost boyfriends. I’ve even lost three great-grandmothers in my lifetime. But most of those things I had some warning or were to be expected. I’ve never grieved like this. My normal way to deal with sadness is to move on, keep my mind and hands busy, and get past it. I know it upsets Tony that I can be like this, it seems as if I didn’t care or worry about it. I know that I will be working through this grief for a while.
All the way home today from the hospital there was a rainbow. It was raining most of the drive, but the sun was shining at just the right angle for the rainbow to appear to me. I know other feel that butterflies are the symbol of lost babies, but today, mine was in the form of a rainbow. I know that God was telling me my little one was with him and not to worry. That is great, but so hard!
If this miscarriage had happened even three weeks ago, I would have been better at dealing with this. I was just starting to get excited about having this baby. I was thinking that I was just paranoid and hoping for a normal ultrasound. I had even gotten a cute baby outfit from students at school. Mentally I was preparing the list of things I would need for this baby, not much though. I was planning ahead to showing off my belly at Christmas and taking time in the spring to be with my little ones.
Now all I have is a crampy belly, a full mind, and exhausted soul. I just hope this recovery goes fast. The doc said it should be over in 7-10 days. Just like a long, heavy period. I just don’t want to deal with all the mess if it goes longer, or what will my boobs do?? Will they just shrink or will they think there is a baby and produce milk? I’ve never had any major surgeries, and worry about how it will go.
I decided I wanted to be knocked out cold for the surgery. I just can’t stand the thought of being awake while my baby is taken from me. Even with medicine to ensure I wouldn’t care, I have a feeling my parenting instinct would over rule it!
So now I need to move on and count my blessings.
1. I realized before the ultrasound that something was wrong, and not completely surprised at the ultrasound.
2. I have had two healthy babies, so my chances for another healthy baby in my future are high.
3. I have wonder family, friends, and colleagues who are supporting me and helping keep me out of the pit.
4. Being a fertile Myrtle, my chances of concieving easily again are high, and I'm thinking spring, like I had planned to before this one.
5. I can now get all the things done that I need to before planning the next one, like pottytraining, toddler bed training, and getting more time before my toddler now grows up on me.
Tony says our baby is in heaven, and has been there for a while. He said that he had been having paranoia and doubts about this baby, and that it wasn’t just me. It helps to know that I wasn’t just a crazy one, but oh, I wish so bad that I could have just been any other paranoid pregnant lady. I wish that we had seen a healthy active baby on the screen today. Not that I got to see the screen at all. You know something is wrong when the ultrasound tech won’t even turn the screen to you. Tony knew something was wrong and had to stop looking half way through the test.
Part of me is mad that I didn’t demand to see one last look at my baby. Because it is considered a miscarriage, I get nothing by the ultrasound from 10 weeks when I was told that a had only a 3% chance of still losing the baby. I wish I had stopped and really enjoyed the few kicks and flutters I felt. I wish I knew the sex so we could name it and get hand and foot prints. But instead my baby will be jarred up and sent to a lab for testing. IF the tissue growth works, then the lab might be able to tell us what caused the death of our baby and the sex. We may get back a big fat “don’t know” from the lab and forever be questioning this.
Tony is worried about me becoming depressed and sinking so low I can’t get out. I really need to watch myself and seek help before I sink. I know I need to think positively, but what is the world for if I can’t wallow in my grief and misery in the final hours of this pregnancy???? I need to vent!!! I could talk to my family or friends, many of whom have had similar experiences. I could talk to my husband who is wallowing in his own grief and dealing with it in his way. But I need to get it all out. I need to remember everything I can about this baby and the short time I carried it. I need to make this pregnancy important, if only to preserve the memory of a lost child.
I’ve never dealt with grief really before. I’ve lost animals over the years. I’ve dealt with heartache and lost boyfriends. I’ve even lost three great-grandmothers in my lifetime. But most of those things I had some warning or were to be expected. I’ve never grieved like this. My normal way to deal with sadness is to move on, keep my mind and hands busy, and get past it. I know it upsets Tony that I can be like this, it seems as if I didn’t care or worry about it. I know that I will be working through this grief for a while.
All the way home today from the hospital there was a rainbow. It was raining most of the drive, but the sun was shining at just the right angle for the rainbow to appear to me. I know other feel that butterflies are the symbol of lost babies, but today, mine was in the form of a rainbow. I know that God was telling me my little one was with him and not to worry. That is great, but so hard!
If this miscarriage had happened even three weeks ago, I would have been better at dealing with this. I was just starting to get excited about having this baby. I was thinking that I was just paranoid and hoping for a normal ultrasound. I had even gotten a cute baby outfit from students at school. Mentally I was preparing the list of things I would need for this baby, not much though. I was planning ahead to showing off my belly at Christmas and taking time in the spring to be with my little ones.
Now all I have is a crampy belly, a full mind, and exhausted soul. I just hope this recovery goes fast. The doc said it should be over in 7-10 days. Just like a long, heavy period. I just don’t want to deal with all the mess if it goes longer, or what will my boobs do?? Will they just shrink or will they think there is a baby and produce milk? I’ve never had any major surgeries, and worry about how it will go.
I decided I wanted to be knocked out cold for the surgery. I just can’t stand the thought of being awake while my baby is taken from me. Even with medicine to ensure I wouldn’t care, I have a feeling my parenting instinct would over rule it!
So now I need to move on and count my blessings.
1. I realized before the ultrasound that something was wrong, and not completely surprised at the ultrasound.
2. I have had two healthy babies, so my chances for another healthy baby in my future are high.
3. I have wonder family, friends, and colleagues who are supporting me and helping keep me out of the pit.
4. Being a fertile Myrtle, my chances of concieving easily again are high, and I'm thinking spring, like I had planned to before this one.
5. I can now get all the things done that I need to before planning the next one, like pottytraining, toddler bed training, and getting more time before my toddler now grows up on me.
The truth hits home
I have realized in the hours since I left the doctors that I can no longer consider myself pregnant. This means I can enjoy awesome drugs tomorrow during surgery, because I am terrified. It also means I can enjoy wine and other beverages too.
The down side, I'll never feel this baby flutter in my belly again. It just tears me up inside to think that I have been feeling things these last few weeks thinking they are kicks, but instead have been just gas. I am no longer pregnant, so must go back to worrying about not gaining weight and birth control. I no longer need maternity clothes and need to put any baby stuff (thankfully not much was pulled out) away. I need to learn to grieve and share my grief with my husband. I need to not blame myself, or the coffee I drank, or the time I was sick, but instead realize that this was a baby with serious problems to die this young. I need to look at my two healthy, beautiful children and think of how blessed I am to be a mommy to them. I need to look to God for support and know my baby is safe in heaven, not be angry with how things turned out and turn from him. I have no idea how I will accomplish all this and stay sane.
I realized today filling out the pharmacy paper work that I couldn't check the box for pregnant any longer. I am going to have a difficult time looking at babies or even talking about them for a while. My dear husband is worried about me falling into a pit of despair, so girlfriends, help pull me out if I start to slide. I am taking at least a week off of work, since I don't need the sick time for maternity leave anymore and my school is being very helpful.
Please understand that I am so sad, that my posts in the future will most likely be depressing and sad as well.
The down side, I'll never feel this baby flutter in my belly again. It just tears me up inside to think that I have been feeling things these last few weeks thinking they are kicks, but instead have been just gas. I am no longer pregnant, so must go back to worrying about not gaining weight and birth control. I no longer need maternity clothes and need to put any baby stuff (thankfully not much was pulled out) away. I need to learn to grieve and share my grief with my husband. I need to not blame myself, or the coffee I drank, or the time I was sick, but instead realize that this was a baby with serious problems to die this young. I need to look at my two healthy, beautiful children and think of how blessed I am to be a mommy to them. I need to look to God for support and know my baby is safe in heaven, not be angry with how things turned out and turn from him. I have no idea how I will accomplish all this and stay sane.
I realized today filling out the pharmacy paper work that I couldn't check the box for pregnant any longer. I am going to have a difficult time looking at babies or even talking about them for a while. My dear husband is worried about me falling into a pit of despair, so girlfriends, help pull me out if I start to slide. I am taking at least a week off of work, since I don't need the sick time for maternity leave anymore and my school is being very helpful.
Please understand that I am so sad, that my posts in the future will most likely be depressing and sad as well.
Not paranoid after all
This is probably the most difficult post to write. You may have noticed the cute baby ticker at the top is gone and the change of color. I'll start at the beginning.
This morning I woke up after a dream of going to my scheduled ultrasound tomorrow and seeing no heartbeat and woke up crying. Later I experienced some bleeding. After a quick call to the doctor and my husband, I went to the hospital for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed my worst fears were true. My baby showed no heartbeat or movement. The doctor said it looked as if the baby died shortly after my last appointment, and was 15 weeks of age. I have decided to have a D & C simply because Tony and I can't deal with the mess of a miscarriage at home. Hopefully chromosomal testing will give us some answers or at least the sex of the baby. I need to give it a name. I am feeling many things right now, but ask from friends and family, pray. Pray for a quick surgery, speedy recovery, and mental healing for me and for my family. Please don't call, I'll let you know when I want to talk. Thank you
This morning I woke up after a dream of going to my scheduled ultrasound tomorrow and seeing no heartbeat and woke up crying. Later I experienced some bleeding. After a quick call to the doctor and my husband, I went to the hospital for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed my worst fears were true. My baby showed no heartbeat or movement. The doctor said it looked as if the baby died shortly after my last appointment, and was 15 weeks of age. I have decided to have a D & C simply because Tony and I can't deal with the mess of a miscarriage at home. Hopefully chromosomal testing will give us some answers or at least the sex of the baby. I need to give it a name. I am feeling many things right now, but ask from friends and family, pray. Pray for a quick surgery, speedy recovery, and mental healing for me and for my family. Please don't call, I'll let you know when I want to talk. Thank you
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Why the internet is bad for paranoid mama
This entire pregnancy I've been waiting for something bad to happen. Not that anything has, I'm just constantly worried about everything; eating too much/little, getting enough sleep, feeling the baby move enough, etc... My last pregnancies I could sit back and relax and live for the moment I felt those flutters and be thankful for each one. Maybe it's just because this is in my mind my last baby, or I'm just being crazy, but instead of relaxing and enjoying the moments, I'm worrying. It's even keeping me up at night and I'm sure it's not great for my blood pressure. So I start trying to research what I should be feeling and doing on the Internet. There are so many websites devoted to pregnancy, but even more sites and blogs are devoted to lost babies. I resisted what I could, but wound up looking at some of those blogs. Not only did it freak me out about just getting to 40 weeks, but now I'm worrying about labor and delivery! Those of you who heard about my last one, you know the only thing I need to worry about is getting to the hospital in time! If I survive this pregnancy, I sure hope all this stress and worrying goes away, because I can't be stressed out with a newborn. I've never been a really worrying mom, but I can't continue stressing out about all the "what ifs" after I have this kid.
Our ultrasound is Wednesday afternoon and hopefully all will be healthy so that might help quell these thoughts I'm stressing over. We hope for a peak at if it is a boy or a girl this time too! Knowing my luck, the baby will be stubborn, just like its dad though.
Our ultrasound is Wednesday afternoon and hopefully all will be healthy so that might help quell these thoughts I'm stressing over. We hope for a peak at if it is a boy or a girl this time too! Knowing my luck, the baby will be stubborn, just like its dad though.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)