Whenever anyone experiences loss, there is usually anger and frustration involved. I've been frustrated and angry at so many things these last few weeks: my body, new babies and newly pregnant friends, even God. I know it is a normal part of the grieving process, but I don't like the ME I am when I'm full of anger. So I'm trying to find hope, in everything.
Hope is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had". I've been praying for many months to get pregnant, to be happy, to be a good friend and mom, but it hasn't happened. I don't know if it is just all part of God's timing, or my own snarky pesimistic nature, but I haven't been happy. So last week I stopped praying for the baby I want, and instead prayed for hope. Each and every time I feel the familiar anger well up at the new baby at church, or another friend who is pregnant, I pray that God gives me hope. For now it is working. I can't say I'm happy, but I'm on my way there.
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