Passing of time

Time passes differently for me these days. Everyday is related to what I was doing a year ago, how old Taylor would be now, and how pregnant my friends are.

One year ago today I took a home pregnancy test and my life was to be forever changed, I just didn't know how much. I remember looking at the positive test and being in shock. I was surprised, angry, and after calming down a bit, a little happy. I had always wanted another baby, but had planned to get pregnant in June of 2009, not 2008! I was angry that things hadn't gone according to my plan and was worried about what I would do with my toddler still in diapers and the crib. I remember feeling those things for quite a while. Fast forward to now. I was so looking forward to having good news to share, but I'm sitting here experiencing cramps and proof that this last cycle of trying didn't work.

Colten has been at Bible school all this week at church. They had a dinner last night for all the kids and families. It was interesting to watch the other parents with babies close to the age Taylor would have been. It was interesting to think about how I would have been dealing with a 3 month old, in addition to my 2 year old and 6 year old last night.

Also at dinner were friends who got pregnant right after my miscarriage and are due any day now. It is sad to think that almost 9 months has passed since then. If someone had told me a year ago how that pregnancy would end and how I would spend my spring and summer having trouble trying to get pregnant, I wouldn't have believed a word they said. Many other friends got pregnant when I started trying for another pregnancy, and they are now moving on to their second trimester and finding out if they are having a boy or girl. It is so hard to talk with them and not think I would be experiencing that if only it had worked then.

I'm losing hope and finding it difficult to even want to keep trying. After 6 failed cycles, I'm just not sure if I want to keep trying. It is too painful everytime my body lets me know it's failed. Sorry to be such a downer, but I just can't keep thinking it will finally work when it isn't.