Hating my body right now

There are days I seriously hate being a woman. I spend 5-6 at the beginning of a cycle bleeding, 2-3 days feeling ok, 3-4 days with sore boobs, cramps, bloating, and then some serious ovulation pains. After that is the nausea, more sore boobs, bloating, and sleeplessness. Then back to bleeding again. Throughout all this is scattered the emotional lows and highs, crying bouts, frustration with my husband, and disappointments. All this, and I'm not even pregnant! Some days I wonder why I bother.

Gotta love neighbors!

When you live on 5 acre parcels you don't know your neighbors very well. We have gotten to know the people we bought our lot over the last four years. They live in the development and are a short hike up the hill. We've gone to each other's house for dinner and say hi regularly. It is nice because the two youngest kids are close to Colten's age. The kids and Colten LOVE to play together.
These neighbors just recently started going to our church. They have invited Colten up for afternoons to play before, but now, since Colten and the younger kids are in the same class together at church, they have invited Colten to ride home with them and play for the afternoon! Not once, but now twice!!
It is nice to have time to get things done without interruptions from Colten. I love hanging out with my boys, but since Colten doesn't nap it makes nap time really interesting at our house. I'm hoping they can wear him out before sending him home later.
I was worried about Colten going to play in nice clothes, but they offered to have him change into some of their old clothes to play outside! I love having nice neighbors with kids! Colten loves it too!

Today was another first for me. It's been four months since losing Taylor, and for the first time I was able to go through a service without crying my eyes out! I did tear up once looking at the very pregnant gal sitting near some friends, but the tears didn't fall. The healing is happening, just not the way I thought it would.

A party for the almost 2!

We had a birthday party for Carson yesterday. He doesn't turn 2 until Friday, but we wanted to celebrate with my brother and his girlfriend before they leave for Alabama tomorrow. It was a great party; spaghetti dinner with family. Carson is really into Nemo right now. His card, presents, and cake were all Nemo. Here he is opening a box of Nemo treats.

Grandma also got him some Cars books too.

The cousins got him a light up space gun. Between the swirly lights and strange noises it is the new favorite in the house.

Carson may only be 2, but no one needs to show him how to shoot things!

We practiced blowing out candles to get ready for this. ** Notice: the cake has a picture of Nemo on it. Thanks mom for the great cake.

Last year Carson was so worn out that he didn't even eat his cake. This year he is savoring the gooey chocolate.

The evidence!

That is the damage. It doesn't look too bad after Tony got the red paint rubbed off. It did crack the paint near the tail light, so of course we are going to spend too much money to get that fixed.

oops!

Darling husband, I honestly did look behind me while backing out of the garage this morning. I didn't mean to back my car into the newly fixed Jeep and leave a red streak on it's side from my mirror! I know you are upset, but please know that I am upset at myself for making sure I didn't run into the bushes instead of watching where the jeep was parked. Please don't be mad for long, and forgive me. It was only a mistake.

Finally fixed

we got the jeep back today, and the clicking noise is gone! Even better, it was all covered under the warranty and so we paid $0! Too bad it took a week to get it fixed. I'm happy to have my little car back now. Life is better not driving my dad's truck.

16W 5D

Taylor has been gone exactly the amount of time she was with me. It is amazing how fast the past four months have gone. They haven't been easy, that's for sure. Thinking back, I barely remember being pregnant. I remember feelings and events that happened while I was pregnant, but I don't remember that feeling, the one of joy and flutters as the baby moves. I only had one short week of that back in Sept. before things went wrong. I remember feeling sick each time I ate, and how tired and impatient I was. I only wish I could feel that again.

If things hadn't gone wrong, I would be 36 weeks now. I would be deep into getting things ready and having Braxton-Hicks. I wouldn't be able to sleep from heartburn and I'd be worrying over getting everything ready for the arrival. But I'm not.

So I sit at home and remember what it was like to be pregnant, to feel on top of the world, like I've got the secret to life feeling that only an expectant mom can have. I want to feel it again, soon. Will I be to scared next time to enjoy that feeling though, or will I be too worried to live in that moment and enjoy all of it? I can only hope so.