It's 3:30 a.m. and I am unable to sleep, again. I'm also unable to stop crying. My whole being right now would like nothing more than to curl up in a tight ball around my aching heart, so tight conscious thought is impossible. Even though I went to the doctor today to find more answers, all I've got is more questions, and anger. If you had told me a year ago that I would be up nights, unable to sleep due to my body's failure to work properly, I'd have laughed in your face. I'd probably have told you I'd more likely be up nursing a teething baby. How wrong I'd have been.
Even though my period isn't here, I know for sure that this cycle was a bust. On to #9. I never realized how hurtful comments from friends and family are when you want nothing better than to be pregnant.
"Just relax and it'll happen."
"Maybe you're just not doing it right."
"Have you tried (Fill in the latest idea from acupuncture to herbal supplements), it worked for someone I know."
and my ALL time favorite "Once you stop trying so hard you'll get knocked up."
While all my friends mean well, all the comments do is remind me more of how my body isn't working right.
I feel so very alone in a world of babies and bellies right now. All my friends who were trying to get pregnant now are, with the exception of one. All I see everywhere I go, the fair, the store, the worst is my doc's office, are babies and bellies; a constant reminder of how much I've lost this last year. I'm so tired of the reminders I'm avoiding people I know and want to avoid any holiday or meeting that I know pregnant people will be at. I'd like to hide in my hole until I can prove that my body DOES work and isn't defective. Each month I think, "Maybe I can go to the girl's brunch and at least tolerate seeing babies and the bellies. I'll be pregnant myself so I can join the conversation and not feel sad." But then that cycle ends in a failure and I crash and try to pull it together enough to be normal.
Secondary infertility is the worst infertility to have (in my honest opinion). I've gotten pregnant effortlessly THREE times! Why should getting an egg and sperm to meet be so difficult when it has even happened by accident before? My doctor at least now doesn't think it is just me needing to relax and exercise. I've lost 13 pounds! That's almost 10% of my body weight! If that doesn't get me knocked up, well, something else is wrong.
I went in and gave blood for more testing today. My doctor was checking my levels of progesterone, prolactin, and my thyroid. Nothing that hasn't already been checked in the last year. This time though, she thinks my progesterone levels are too low and that I'm conceiving each cycle, but my hormones won't sustain it. That's right, I'm not totally crazy thinking I'm pregnant each cycle. Chance are that I am, for 7-8 short days, and then my hormones kill it. It just KILLS ME to know that with a simple prescription I could be very pregnant now instead of empty. My doctor is also planning to put me on clomid to ensure my body is doing all it can to get healthy eggs released at the right time.
So I'm not pregnant one year after my baby has died. I still have too many days like today, when I burst into tears spontaneously, even in my sleep like tonight, with my heart hurting in the most painful of ways. And while I am at a loss as to how to get my body to work, everyone around me is at a loss as to how to make me feel better. Even my wonderful husband doesn't know what to say, he just holds me as I sob and cry my frustrations out.
And all I can think about is, "When is this all going to end?" When someone mentions taking a break from all things baby related for a while, I just want to scream. Part of me is determined that I WILL get pregnant THIS cycle. Something new will work, it has to. Even more, I have to ask myself if I can step away and let it all go. Can I stop thinking about what my body is doing and what I should be doing to help it? I don't know if I can. Several wise people have told me to just let it go and give myself to God' plan. I've tried that too. My plan hasn't worked for 7 months, but leaving it all up to God in my mind means giving up trying for me. Can I do that? Can I really stop thinking about my cycle and just not be trying? In my mind that almost means that I'm not wanting another pregnancy, another baby. Can you just stop that deep wanting? Do I not try my doctor's plan? I don't know what to do. I'm torn between my options, and deep down I'm just so very sad. I'd rather be curled up around my sleeping baby than curled up around my aching heart.
*I'm out of tissues, so it's time to go back to bed before starting another day, and while I know most of you who read this mean well, your comments and advice make YOU feel better about my situation, but very rarely do they make me feel less like a failure. Please don't hurt me more by thinking you know how I feel and offering suggestions. I get enough of that from other sources. Just understand why I don't want to see some of you and your perfect, beautiful lives when mine is just a bloody mess. I've got enough pregnant women and babies I see every day to remind me of just how defective my body really is.
1 comment:
I know that you said you don't feel better from comments and don't want suggestions, but when have I ever done what anyone has asked me to do? :)
So, here I am with suggestions. First of all, have you been on The Nest online? Their Troubling TTC board is amazing and got me through two IVF cycles. These women get it. They HAVE been there and they DO understand. There is also a new Secondary IF board!
Second of all, it's been over 6 months, you have a prior loss, and it's time to stop fucking around. Are you seeing an RE? OB-GYNs are not IF docs and just throw Clomid at everyone. Have you had an antral follicle count, an HSG, SHG, Clomid challenge, etc? You need to see an RE if you want to go at this full bore. This is what they do. You wouldn't see a GP for cancer, right?
Third of all, of course it hurts to see pregnant bellies. Of COURSE it's hard to lose a baby. Of COURSE you're angry and frustrated and struggling with all of this. It's all totally normal, and accepting that is part of coming to some sort of peace, I think.
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