My world will never be the same

I know this blog is mostly superficial. I haven't posted any REAL emotional sludge on it in a long time. I've tried to keep it happy and positive, but tonight I just can't. I've tried not to vent against my husband, and instead kept my frustrations in. I can't be "nice" this time.

My world shattered last night with one little phrase, "I want a divorce."
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Yeah, that's what my reaction mostly was.
I've been trying to piece things together today and just survive. I didn't really sleep last night, and I can't blame Cooper this time. My eyes were all puffy and red, and I was asked if I had allergies (staff members) or pink eye (students). All I could do today was remember how my world was rocked two years ago with my miscarriage, and how similar I felt today. The problem is, my rock, my husband who grieved with me, is no longer there. I barely survived the grief I felt with the Taylor and really don't know how I'm going to cope with a broken heart and marriage.
This doesn't come as a total surprise. Tony and I have been having problems of various kinds for the last eleven years. We've tried to keep it all together, but in the last year things have gone downhill fast.
So now instead of rejoicing in getting an almost full-night's sleep, and finally feeling on top of everything at work, my world is back to sleeplessness, constant crying, and then the brainstorming of solutions. My mind has been filled with results from Internet searches, attorney hunts, child support calculators, and yet every time I stop thinking, it all hits me at once. MY DREAM IS GONE. I've always dreamed of a big house filled with kids and a husband who wanted to spend time with me and the kids. Not only will the house I built, painted, and brought my babies home to soon likely be sold, but I have no clue what I am going to do with myself, where I'll live, what to tell the boys. Me the control freak with a plan B for everything, has no back up plan now. I cannot imagine not coming home with my boys, or even not coming home to my house. I wonder how this will affect my boys. My big boy to whom his daddy is his hero, and my baby, who will never remember his parents married. And then there is my middle boy, who is so resilient, but will question and reason out everything.
All I can focus on right now is what a good friend told me, something better might come out of it. It will be rough, and possibly nasty at times, but in the end the anger will be gone and my kids will hopefully have parents who can love them while being civil with each other.
I have to piece together my broken heart, home, and world, and work on surviving each day, one after the other. I have to do it for my kids.