Today was a sad day in my household. Not only was the internet turned off three days early (I'm hanging out with my brother and his internet), but my house became two households today. Tony moved out last night.
While it certainly isn't a surprise, what is surprising is just how emotional I am about all this. I've known about him moving out for over a week now. I've even been putting together a pile of household stuff for him to take with him so he's have some things and stuff for the kids. You'd think that all my emotions connected to this divorce would be out, but they aren't.
I managed to keep my composure for most of the time Tony and a friend were moving the furniture out, but towards the end, I had a very tough time keeping myself together. Once Tony was gone the tears wouldn't stop. Friday night was our last night in the house together as a family. If I had thought more about it, I would have done more to make it special. Try to do a family movie or game, anything to make it memorable. Now it's too late to do anything about it all.
I've tried so hard to keep the boys from seeing my tears, but last night I just couldn't hold back. Tony and I have been telling them how it will be a "great adventure" and that now they've got bunk beds and a whole other house to play at. I don't want the boys told things that would confuse them or make them view the other parent poorly, but last night when the boys saw I had been crying I couldn't help but tell them I would really miss their dad. They started crying too and Colten, my sweet artist, drew me a picture of the two of us and wrote "I love you" on it. It means a hundred times more to me than other similar pictures, just simply because he drew it knowing how I was feeling and how it would make me feel better.
Tony's been away from home before, gone camping or other trips, but this was still his home. His stuff and presence was still here. Now his home is only a few miles away, but the house already seems empty and lonely without him. It will be interesting to see how I sleep tonight with only the cats and dogs (and Cooper) for company.
I see now how many divorces leave people bitter and wounded. Tony's moving out has left a jagged hole in my heart that just throbs with pain. It's not just emotional pain I feel, but I ache all over physically. Being the self-sufficient person I am my first reaction when I'm hurting is to get angry and last out at what hurt me. I didn't last out at Tony last night, but I can't say I was really friendly. A big part of me wanted to make him hurt as much as I am. I managed to keep most of "me" together though. I know he felt bad because he kept telling me he was sorry and trying to give me a hug. Sorry doesn't stop the pain I'm feeling. Sorry doesn't put my broken family and broken heart back together. Sorry only makes him feel less guilty for what he's doing. It took all my energy to keep from falling apart right there.
Right now I'm praying to God to heal my heart and keep me from turning to bitterness and anger. It would be very easy for me to hold on to the pain and let it fuel my anger and harden my heart. I'm praying that God will keep my heart softened so I can be a comfort to my children now when everything is confusing and changing. I'm praying I can be strong and survive each day, taking it one day at a time and just do the best I can with the situation I've been handed.
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