I just did the most difficult thing. I filed the paperwork for a dissolution to my marriage and wrote a really big check to the attorney. I’ve been putting it off for a week or so, but with Tony moving out this last weekend I had to bite the bullet and do it. I don’t want a divorce, but Tony does and I have to agree that our marriage hasn’t been the best this last year. If I put off filing the paperwork or waited for Tony to do it, it would just be one more thing to argue over. I had the money, both Tony and I liked how the attorney worked with us, so I just did it. Things will start rolling now.

A dear aunt sent me an email and told me to refer to Jeremiah 29:11. Ironically, I hadn’t looked it up yet, but a student yesterday had it written out on a book mark and I saw it. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I know that God has a plan for Tony and I. It just won’t be a plan for us together married.

People ask me why I’m not fighting for my marriage. It’s hard to fight someone when they’ve got their mind made up. I can’t force Tony to try counseling. I can’t keep him from moving out. I can’t keep him from finding another attorney, one that doesn’t specialize in calm, collaborative divorces, but likes battles in court. All I can do now is go with the flow, stay calm and levelheaded, and make good decisions for what little of my life is still in my control.

Things have gone well so far this week with the boys staying with Tony. I’ve gotten to have Cooper each night at bedtime so I can nurse him at night. This is nice because I get to see Colten and Carson at bed time, help with homework and say prayers with them. They both seem happy to be spending time with Tony and enjoy being at his house. They are most excited about the bunk beds Tony got for them to sleep in. I’m sure there will be a time of adjustment.

People have been asking me how they can help or what they can pray for me. If you pray for my family, pray for several things. That the boys (and Tony and I) continue to adjust well to our new households and work out complications smoothly. Pray that I am able to keep and open mind and heart. That even though I am hurting, that I don’t use that anger as a weapon against Tony or others, that I stay positive and don’t get bitter. Pray that I don’t let the small stuff get to me. The judgmental or negative comments to get me down. That I can let this process I started today continue to a resolution both Tony and I can be happy with.