"How can I pray for you?"

I've been asked this question many times this past year. I started out asking for prayer to accept the loss of Taylor. Last spring I asked for prayer that I get pregnant soon. This summer I asked for answers to know what was causing my infertility issues. I was asked this question last week, and I didn't know how to respond.

How can you pray for me? Pray for:
-my friends with babies and bellies to understand why I don't want to see them, read their blogs or facebook updates, or talk to them right now, and I don't know when I will.

-that I can get over this bitterness and anger I'm feeling right now towards all things baby related

-that friends and family stop giving unwelcome advice. It is obvious after 8 failed months that relaxing, supplements, alternative health care (accupuncture & chiropractic) DON'T WORK. Most of you don't know what I'm experiencing and since even my doctor no longer knows what's wrong, STOP telling to try something that worked for you, your friend, etc..

-that next week goes quickly and I cope with my one year anniversary of Taylor's death

-I stop crying daily when I have time to stop and think

-that I can someday re-friend all my pregnant friends that I've removed from my facebook

-I can grieve and get through the loss of my dream of wanting another baby

-for my husband to know what an amazing partner he has been this last year, especially putting up with my wild hormones and trying for another baby when he doesn't want another

-for my doctor to have some answers why this last year has been happening to me. I already know I'm healthy, tell me something new!

-that I can be happy again and stop stressing about things I can't control

So instead of asking me what you can pray for, pray for something on this list. I'm trying to stop stressing and telling people constantly that I'm "fine" is getting old.

Finally did it

I cleaned up what was Carson's old room and was hoped to be a baby's room this year. Carson's been out of his crib and in his big boy room since June, so I finally found the motivation to put everything baby away. All summer long my plan was to sand and paint my old toybox to match the dresser and book shelf already in the room. I kept thinking that I would get pregnant by the end of summer and so not to put everything up or take it apart.

Since that never happened, and the toybox never got painted, I decided today to simply put it all up. All my cloth diapers, stuffed animals, baby bedding and Noah's Ark theme stuff is packed up and in the closet. I even took apart the crib. It won't fit in the closet with everything else in there, but the room no longer looks like I should walk in with a baby any minute.

Colten was very concerned to see me taking the crib apart and wanted to know what the baby will sleep in. I didn't have the heart to explain to him that there likely won't be a baby to sleep in it. Since I haven't gotten pregnant in the 7 months we've been trying, I'm certainly not likely to get pregnant in the next 7 months either. The soonest I would ever need any of that stuff (if ever again) would be spring of 2011. Putting it all away was a big move but a good one. Maybe I'll get around to selling it eventually, but it might take another year for me to give up all hope to do that.

A day at the Fair!

Sorry this is a week late, but things have been really busy this week. We went to the state fair last Sunday and had a wonderful time.

The boys enjoyed all the animals and even got to go on some rides. It was interesting because this was their first time on any carnival rides.

Colten was big enough to go on some fast, rollercoaster rides, but didn't because they looked "too scary and fast." Carson wanted to go on all the rides, but it was a challenge to find rides he was barely big enough to go on.

This booth had laser cut steel cutouts that we all enjoyed looking at. The raccoons were the favorite for the boys though. It was a long day, but a fun one.

Ravings of an infertile insomniac

It's 3:30 a.m. and I am unable to sleep, again. I'm also unable to stop crying. My whole being right now would like nothing more than to curl up in a tight ball around my aching heart, so tight conscious thought is impossible. Even though I went to the doctor today to find more answers, all I've got is more questions, and anger. If you had told me a year ago that I would be up nights, unable to sleep due to my body's failure to work properly, I'd have laughed in your face. I'd probably have told you I'd more likely be up nursing a teething baby. How wrong I'd have been.

Even though my period isn't here, I know for sure that this cycle was a bust. On to #9. I never realized how hurtful comments from friends and family are when you want nothing better than to be pregnant.
"Just relax and it'll happen."

"Maybe you're just not doing it right."

"Have you tried (Fill in the latest idea from acupuncture to herbal supplements), it worked for someone I know."

and my ALL time favorite "Once you stop trying so hard you'll get knocked up."

While all my friends mean well, all the comments do is remind me more of how my body isn't working right.

I feel so very alone in a world of babies and bellies right now. All my friends who were trying to get pregnant now are, with the exception of one. All I see everywhere I go, the fair, the store, the worst is my doc's office, are babies and bellies; a constant reminder of how much I've lost this last year. I'm so tired of the reminders I'm avoiding people I know and want to avoid any holiday or meeting that I know pregnant people will be at. I'd like to hide in my hole until I can prove that my body DOES work and isn't defective. Each month I think, "Maybe I can go to the girl's brunch and at least tolerate seeing babies and the bellies. I'll be pregnant myself so I can join the conversation and not feel sad." But then that cycle ends in a failure and I crash and try to pull it together enough to be normal.

Secondary infertility is the worst infertility to have (in my honest opinion). I've gotten pregnant effortlessly THREE times! Why should getting an egg and sperm to meet be so difficult when it has even happened by accident before? My doctor at least now doesn't think it is just me needing to relax and exercise. I've lost 13 pounds! That's almost 10% of my body weight! If that doesn't get me knocked up, well, something else is wrong.

I went in and gave blood for more testing today. My doctor was checking my levels of progesterone, prolactin, and my thyroid. Nothing that hasn't already been checked in the last year. This time though, she thinks my progesterone levels are too low and that I'm conceiving each cycle, but my hormones won't sustain it. That's right, I'm not totally crazy thinking I'm pregnant each cycle. Chance are that I am, for 7-8 short days, and then my hormones kill it. It just KILLS ME to know that with a simple prescription I could be very pregnant now instead of empty. My doctor is also planning to put me on clomid to ensure my body is doing all it can to get healthy eggs released at the right time.

So I'm not pregnant one year after my baby has died. I still have too many days like today, when I burst into tears spontaneously, even in my sleep like tonight, with my heart hurting in the most painful of ways. And while I am at a loss as to how to get my body to work, everyone around me is at a loss as to how to make me feel better. Even my wonderful husband doesn't know what to say, he just holds me as I sob and cry my frustrations out.

And all I can think about is, "When is this all going to end?" When someone mentions taking a break from all things baby related for a while, I just want to scream. Part of me is determined that I WILL get pregnant THIS cycle. Something new will work, it has to. Even more, I have to ask myself if I can step away and let it all go. Can I stop thinking about what my body is doing and what I should be doing to help it? I don't know if I can. Several wise people have told me to just let it go and give myself to God' plan. I've tried that too. My plan hasn't worked for 7 months, but leaving it all up to God in my mind means giving up trying for me. Can I do that? Can I really stop thinking about my cycle and just not be trying? In my mind that almost means that I'm not wanting another pregnancy, another baby. Can you just stop that deep wanting? Do I not try my doctor's plan? I don't know what to do. I'm torn between my options, and deep down I'm just so very sad. I'd rather be curled up around my sleeping baby than curled up around my aching heart.

*I'm out of tissues, so it's time to go back to bed before starting another day, and while I know most of you who read this mean well, your comments and advice make YOU feel better about my situation, but very rarely do they make me feel less like a failure. Please don't hurt me more by thinking you know how I feel and offering suggestions. I get enough of that from other sources. Just understand why I don't want to see some of you and your perfect, beautiful lives when mine is just a bloody mess. I've got enough pregnant women and babies I see every day to remind me of just how defective my body really is.

Looking back

One year ago today I heard my baby's heartbeat. It was the last time I knew my baby was healthy and well. Soon in the week that followed, the heart would stop and it would take three weeks for me to realize it.

I'm feeling really pretty good these days. School has started well and I've been trying to embrace relaxing and going with God's plan. I can't help but feel out of place though. So many of my friends and acquaintances are now pregnant, showing, and due in the near future. I'm so very happy for my friends, but feel very awkward around them. I hope it gets easy in the future.

First day of Kindergarten!

This is the picture taken this morning before heading off to the bus. Carson kept thinking he was going to school also, and was heartbroken when we told him he had to wait one more year. Colten had a great day and LOVED the three recesses and his lunch! The only problem was that the bus didn't stop to pick him up but he's now on the pick up list so he'll be picked up on Tuesday.

9 years

Today is our 9th anniversary! We've made it almost a decade! This last year has been a tough one with job changes, grieving loved ones lost, and the stress of work and family.

Tony and I enjoyed a dinner out Sunday to celebrate, but tonight he surprised me by making dinner for all of us. He brought home drinks and cheesecake for dessert for us! It was a nice way to celebrate. :)