Here I sit, all alone tonight, wondering what on earth the psycho hormone fairy hit me with today. I've had normal PMS type symptoms today, but the tears also won't stop. Tony and I were able to go shopping for gifts and enjoy a dinner out tonight, but on the way to the mall I start tearing up over some stupid Christmas song. Not that I hadn't heard it before, and it wasn't even specifically about pregnancy or new baby like some songs are. I managed to keep it together and don't even know if Tony noticed I was crying.
I was fine through the mall and the pregnant waitress at the restaurant. But when we went to Target, it was rough. Seeing all the new baby stuff, even though I avoided that area, and passing the maternity clothes, it all made me think back two years to the same night of shopping (it's becoming a yearly thing) but being 7 months pregnant with Carson. I remembered cooing and looking at all the baby stuff and debating with Tony about if it was a boy or a girl. Toys "R" us was just as bad.
Then standing there in the checkout line I was looking at one of those tabloid magazines and saw that the country singer Brad Paisley and his wife are expecting again in April. I point it out to Tony and he says that she was pregnant on the country music awards show and I should know that. It is a celebrity for goodness sake, but I'm upset by it. I was pregnant the same time the couple was last time, and was expecting this, but not ready for my reaction. Why am I so stupid about these things???
Thinking back, Thanksgiving was nice and simple this year. Sadly, while I'm appreciative of the many blessings I have, I'm not as thankful as I know I should be this year. I keep thinking back to when I first discovered I was pregnant and how I was wishing the timing were different and how could it have happened. I think back to how happy I was that I would have more time to potty train Carson and he would have more time in his crib. I know that my baby was really messed up and is probably better off being an angel now instead of having a short time here, but I can't be thankful that I'm not pregnant now, when I would be so thankful if I were 6 months pregnant. I had just started looking forward and really wanting to bond with this baby, and then it was gone.
And so I sit at home, with my husband gone to a party and my kids at their grandma's for the night, wishing I had some wine or tasty drink so I could blunk (drunk blogging) my feelings out instead of feeling this hole inside of me. If Thanksgiving was this bad, what will Christmas be like? And there's church to face in the morning.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Gingerbread Update
9 houses made
9 more to go
3 hours of baking so far
much easier without my children "helping" me
9 more to go
3 hours of baking so far
much easier without my children "helping" me
Friday, November 28, 2008
The Chaos Starts
The holidays have officially started. Not because Thanksgiving has passed, but because it is gingerbread time at my house. I've started our annual race to bake 20 gingerbread houses before next weekend. Thankfully this year everyone seems really busy so we only have 20 houses to make. The past few years have been crazy with up to 45 houses to make in one weekend!
I enjoy baking the gingerbread and the house smells so yummy, just like Christmas. I've got two little helpers who want their hands in everything, but can really do nothing to help. Frustrating for all people all around. I've gotten the first 5 houses done, and plan to do more tonight. It is physically exhausting to roll out the dough. The dough is do stretchy, and needs to be a very thin 1/4 in layer, my hands and arms are getting their workout. I know once they start shaking, put the stuff away and take a break.
We had pork chops last night for Thanksgiving dinner. It was kind of nice not having to cook and rush places. Tonight our family is going to visit Jenny and her family. I'm only needing to make mashed potatoes and a green salad. So easy for me.
I enjoy baking the gingerbread and the house smells so yummy, just like Christmas. I've got two little helpers who want their hands in everything, but can really do nothing to help. Frustrating for all people all around. I've gotten the first 5 houses done, and plan to do more tonight. It is physically exhausting to roll out the dough. The dough is do stretchy, and needs to be a very thin 1/4 in layer, my hands and arms are getting their workout. I know once they start shaking, put the stuff away and take a break.
We had pork chops last night for Thanksgiving dinner. It was kind of nice not having to cook and rush places. Tonight our family is going to visit Jenny and her family. I'm only needing to make mashed potatoes and a green salad. So easy for me.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
kicking kaffeine!
I decided yesterday to give up caffeine, again. I've never been a big coffee drinker but with all the stress of the last four months I've been having a Chai tea or diet Dr. Pepper each work morning. I kept telling myself I'd quit sometime and that day was yesterday. I also rationalized that I only allowed myself one drink of tea or pop per day, and never after lunch. It hit me over the weekend how expensive this habit of mine was. The pop wasn't that expensive because I buy the big pack, but I was tired of feeling like I had to have something, not just wanting to. So I quit. It's been ok so far. No major headaches or anything, but I've noticed I sleep better. I'm tired and ready to sleep at night, but I sleep all night through. No waking up at 2 am with my brain over analyzing each thing to do the next day. The sleep is good because with trying to lose weight I've given up my before bed snack and have been eating smaller portions for meals during the day. That means that if I do wake up at night I am starving so much I can't get back to sleep without getting up and eating something. This no caffeine thing could just be better for my health and not just my wallet.
My days this week are some of the best since the miscarriage. I'm motivated, working hard, and getting work done, not just doing mindless things but not really working. I've needed to get stuff done because report cards go out Tuesday. I have only one last batch of papers to grade this weekend and then just entering the grades and comments on the report cards. The next round of my pet project reward program starts up again on Monday so I'm stressing to get all the paper work ready to print and copy that morning.
I still think about my baby daily, and still cry at small things, but the hurt and anger are fading slowly. Tony and I are keeping it simple this year for Thanksgiving and are celebrating with friends on Friday. I'm hoping to write Christmas cards this weekend and get gardening done also. I'm still anxious about going to church on Sunday, but I think I'll be nervous about that for a while. I shouldn't be nervous, but that is the place I am most anxious about going, not pregnant. Strange, but at least it's not the grocery store or mall, then I'd never eat or shop.
My days this week are some of the best since the miscarriage. I'm motivated, working hard, and getting work done, not just doing mindless things but not really working. I've needed to get stuff done because report cards go out Tuesday. I have only one last batch of papers to grade this weekend and then just entering the grades and comments on the report cards. The next round of my pet project reward program starts up again on Monday so I'm stressing to get all the paper work ready to print and copy that morning.
I still think about my baby daily, and still cry at small things, but the hurt and anger are fading slowly. Tony and I are keeping it simple this year for Thanksgiving and are celebrating with friends on Friday. I'm hoping to write Christmas cards this weekend and get gardening done also. I'm still anxious about going to church on Sunday, but I think I'll be nervous about that for a while. I shouldn't be nervous, but that is the place I am most anxious about going, not pregnant. Strange, but at least it's not the grocery store or mall, then I'd never eat or shop.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Two steps forward, one step back
Most days now are good. I'm slowly becoming the nice loving mommy and wife that disappeared five months ago. I'm a better teacher and friend too. But some days are still so hard. Last night and this morning were very teary and tough.
Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine who is 21 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her, she's lost two babies before, but I can't help but wish we were pregnant together still. I remember talking this summer about how much fun it would be to have a "friend" for my baby, and how we were both wanting girls (she has 3 boys). We also talked about how these were both surprise pregnancies for us. Now my friend has my old maternity clothes and is feeling her baby move and squirm, and mine is dead and at a bio hazard waste site. I'm happy for my friend, I am, but it was difficult to hear her talking about how she was feeling. I was the one asking questions about her pregnancy so it was my own fault.
I survived my first day back at church since I lost the baby. I was there one day in October, but was working in the nursery, not in the congregation. Today was my lucky day, mostly. There was only one pregnant gal in church and she sat on the other side of the room. I didn't even notice her until the service was almost over. People who knew of our loss were happy to see us and happy we were healthy. The hardest part was when the service was over. I passed all these people who had known I was pregnant, but I hadn't talked to in weeks. I looked at them, but didn't stop to say hi or chat. The new babies and bellies were out and about after service also. I just wanted to get home, quickly.
Tony thinks that I should be over these feelings towards pregnant women by now, and that if I'm not, then I need mental help. I don't know when I'll stop feeling jealous of babies and bellies. I can't say when I'll be over it. Just being me, I suspect it will be closer to spring, when my due date was and when I can look forward to getting pregnant again.
Right now I'm trying to keep myself from wallowing in grief and getting down. I've realized it can happen so quick and easy. It is so tough to force myself to get up and do something, anything active. I've decided I'd like to lose 10 pounds, 15 would be better. I'm determined to start doing yoga each morning before I go to work, and still do a cardio workout several days a week. That's a start.
The other tough part is the food I eat. Holidays are the worst time for me to stick to a healthy diet. If I can stick it out (mostly) this year, I'll be better off for the rest of winter. I've noticed that the worse I eat, the more depressed I get, so I'm sticking to the homemade food, and shunning the sweets and ice cream. Chocolate is one thing I am willing to give in to though, so some small Dove Promises satisfy my daily craving.
Today I pulled weeds and labeled plants in my flowerbed for a workout. I've always put off whacking the old dead plants and weeding around them until the spring. This last spring I was weeding and wound up pulling up some of my spring bulbs! That motivated me to label all my plants, because lots of my bulbs are starting to sprout now. It sure looks better than it did and hopefully it will result in fewer weeds in the spring and summer. Tony did notice that I started with the side of the house that no one sees, and the front beds are still a mess. I plan to attack those next weekend since I'm sticking around for the weekend.
Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine who is 21 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her, she's lost two babies before, but I can't help but wish we were pregnant together still. I remember talking this summer about how much fun it would be to have a "friend" for my baby, and how we were both wanting girls (she has 3 boys). We also talked about how these were both surprise pregnancies for us. Now my friend has my old maternity clothes and is feeling her baby move and squirm, and mine is dead and at a bio hazard waste site. I'm happy for my friend, I am, but it was difficult to hear her talking about how she was feeling. I was the one asking questions about her pregnancy so it was my own fault.
I survived my first day back at church since I lost the baby. I was there one day in October, but was working in the nursery, not in the congregation. Today was my lucky day, mostly. There was only one pregnant gal in church and she sat on the other side of the room. I didn't even notice her until the service was almost over. People who knew of our loss were happy to see us and happy we were healthy. The hardest part was when the service was over. I passed all these people who had known I was pregnant, but I hadn't talked to in weeks. I looked at them, but didn't stop to say hi or chat. The new babies and bellies were out and about after service also. I just wanted to get home, quickly.
Tony thinks that I should be over these feelings towards pregnant women by now, and that if I'm not, then I need mental help. I don't know when I'll stop feeling jealous of babies and bellies. I can't say when I'll be over it. Just being me, I suspect it will be closer to spring, when my due date was and when I can look forward to getting pregnant again.
Right now I'm trying to keep myself from wallowing in grief and getting down. I've realized it can happen so quick and easy. It is so tough to force myself to get up and do something, anything active. I've decided I'd like to lose 10 pounds, 15 would be better. I'm determined to start doing yoga each morning before I go to work, and still do a cardio workout several days a week. That's a start.
The other tough part is the food I eat. Holidays are the worst time for me to stick to a healthy diet. If I can stick it out (mostly) this year, I'll be better off for the rest of winter. I've noticed that the worse I eat, the more depressed I get, so I'm sticking to the homemade food, and shunning the sweets and ice cream. Chocolate is one thing I am willing to give in to though, so some small Dove Promises satisfy my daily craving.
Today I pulled weeds and labeled plants in my flowerbed for a workout. I've always put off whacking the old dead plants and weeding around them until the spring. This last spring I was weeding and wound up pulling up some of my spring bulbs! That motivated me to label all my plants, because lots of my bulbs are starting to sprout now. It sure looks better than it did and hopefully it will result in fewer weeds in the spring and summer. Tony did notice that I started with the side of the house that no one sees, and the front beds are still a mess. I plan to attack those next weekend since I'm sticking around for the weekend.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
All normal, kinda
My tests came back all normal. Now I get to sit and wait until I feel normal again. Who knows how long that will take. Tony's got the tummy bug now, but everyone else in the house is healthy, at least for today. Carson's cut all his eye-teeth, so now he has no excuse for being such a crab. If only his clock had reset at daylight savings time, then maybe we could sleep in longer than 5:30 am!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
More answers, more questions
I went to the doctor today, again, about the spotting problem. She was really great about looking at my charts and listening to every possibility for why I'm still spotting. She said that she doesn't think I have an infection because I'm not tender or sore at all. She also doesn't think I have any retained materials that the D &C may have missed. She did have my blood drawn to test for thyroid problems and for other hormone levels. If those are a problem, then we have answers and medicine to fix them. After learning how stressed out my body has been the last few weeks between sick children, being sick myself, and work, she said my body might be taking longer to "reset" because of that stress. Hopefully my family will be healthy for a while and I'll magically get grades done fast for report cards next week.
My doc also said that if the tests all come back "normal" then wait a few more weeks and see if the spotting stops. If it doesn't, then she has something for me to take that will manually hit the "reset" for my body. At least there is some help at the end of all this spotting.
The answer I was hoping for I didn't get. I asked my doc about the genetic testing and if the results were back. She said they were, but that the results were that they didn't get the baby tissue to regrow to actually do karyotype testing. So now Tony and I have no answers to all the questions that have been lurking in our minds these past six weeks. We have no answer for the "WHY???" From the beginning I didn't think anything would grow. It's tough to grow tissue that's been dead for three weeks. I was hoping/dreading getting the karyotype answers though. I wanted to know what the sex of our baby was. I wanted to name it and have some finality as to why that baby died. I was dreading the results because of the possibility of it being Turner's syndrome. If it was Turner's, Tony and I would not try for another baby.
I really want another baby. Not to replace the one that died, but to complete our family. It is just a matter of time now; for my body and mind to heal, for me to open myself up to the possibility of loss again.
My doc also said that if the tests all come back "normal" then wait a few more weeks and see if the spotting stops. If it doesn't, then she has something for me to take that will manually hit the "reset" for my body. At least there is some help at the end of all this spotting.
The answer I was hoping for I didn't get. I asked my doc about the genetic testing and if the results were back. She said they were, but that the results were that they didn't get the baby tissue to regrow to actually do karyotype testing. So now Tony and I have no answers to all the questions that have been lurking in our minds these past six weeks. We have no answer for the "WHY???" From the beginning I didn't think anything would grow. It's tough to grow tissue that's been dead for three weeks. I was hoping/dreading getting the karyotype answers though. I wanted to know what the sex of our baby was. I wanted to name it and have some finality as to why that baby died. I was dreading the results because of the possibility of it being Turner's syndrome. If it was Turner's, Tony and I would not try for another baby.
I really want another baby. Not to replace the one that died, but to complete our family. It is just a matter of time now; for my body and mind to heal, for me to open myself up to the possibility of loss again.
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