The grass isn't always greener

It’s been two weeks since Tony moved out. Things are getting better each day and week that passes. I have been getting used to the “feast or famine” time with the kids. At first the empty house was really unsettling. Each little noise (and there are always strange noises) would make me jump. I’ve tried to get most of the housework done on nights when I don’t have the boys to keep busy. To save money I’ve had to cancel the housekeeper visits for right now, so I’ve been vacuuming, mopping, and scrubbing toilets. I’ve done quick clean ups, but haven’t had to really clean a house in seven years. I’ve even stocked up on “singles” meals from Trader Joes. I am getting used to the quiet and lack of kid noise.

Single parenting is ok, but definitely presents different challenges. Colten has close to an hour of homework and eye therapy a night and Carson and Cooper have a hard time staying occupied for that long. It takes everything I have at the end of a workday to get dinner on the table, homework done, and get boys in bed and keep my sanity. Once everyone is asleep at hopefully the same time, then I race around the house packing and getting ready for the next day. Not much time for just me.

The hardest things to get used to aren’t the cooking or cleaning changes, but the empty spaces. I have to get used to turning around or entering a room and still being startled by the empty space. Missing furniture, missing clothes and shoes, even Tony’s missing toothbrush still gets me. The worst empty space though is the empty space in bed. I’ve had to get used to snuggling up with a body pillow and the cats at night. Even with them I don’t sleep the best.

People ask if I’m getting sleep. I get some sleep, and would likely sleep more if it wasn’t for my interruptions. Tony gets the boys for Sunday through Wednesday morning, but I get Cooper each night. It is great to see all my boys at least once each day, but Cooper isn’t sleeping well, so I’m not sleeping well. I’m lucky to get to bed by 11:00 most nights hopefully don’t fall asleep reading my book each night. I haven’t finished a book in several weeks, and those of you who know me know that is a big deal for me. Cooper often wakes up several times a night, so I’m happy if I get six hours of sleep total. Caffeine is my friend these days.

Trying to provide a house and food for my boys has been one of the biggest challenges of this separation. It’s a good thing I’m VERY creative with budgeting and money so I am able to keep the house for my boys. It doesn’t make it easier though when my wish list has changed drastically in the last month. Last month I was thinking a massage might be nice, now I’ve got so many things that would be really helpful, but are also expensive. What’s on this list you might wonder? It might bother my city friends, but I feel really exposed in the boonies by myself, so one thing I want is a shotgun. Nothing fancy or over the top, but something that I would be able to protect myself and boys with if someone were to get too nosy. I also am realizing that I want to take the boys and bikes down to the trail to ride, but I don’t have a bike rack that will work on my SUV. I need to look into how much a trailer hitch costs to add to the Rodeo and then get a hitch style bike rack. I’ve got a while yet before the weather is great for biking, and can wait a few months until summer gets closer. One other thing I’m going to need before next winter is an electric bed warmer. I just recently discovered that these things exist and am so tired of returning to a cold bed each time I get up with Cooper at night. Even the flannel sheets and duvet cover can’t keep me warm enough. It would be nice to have one of these now, but spring is getting closer and they are pretty expensive, so I’m thinking of waiting until my birthday in the fall. Then I’ll be nice and warm next winter.

It’s so easy to think things would be easier without your other half in the heat of an argument or fight, but it isn’t easier at all. Yes, there is less laundry, dishes, and cooking, but there is also no one else to depend on to do things. In case you’re curious, no the grass is not greener on the other side. Being a single parent isn’t easier for me than it was to be married. I’m a strong person, but I’ve done things these last few weeks that have made me dig deep for that inner strength. It’s not the chores and parenting that require the strength, it’s the loneliness, just wanting another adult to talk to about your day and have there to listen to that is hard. I am also leaning on all my emotional strength to keep a positive mind and not letting the anger and hurt drag me down that dark hole. There are times I do get angry that these changes are happening and I can’t stop it. Two a.m. is usually when angry thoughts sneak into my mind and a part of me wants to make Tony hurt the way I’m hurting. I have to make myself go to sleep and when I wake up, I realize that things aren’t necessarily easier for him. This separation is difficult for both of us and I somehow have to keep that in perspective.

All my friends and family have been a great help this past month. The random calls just “checking in” from friends, the offers of dinner and time to just talk and vent, the flowers, even some class coverage so I could get back on top of everything going on at school, words can’t begin to describe how supported I feel. I can’t say that I’m happy, but I’m much happier than I would be if I had to deal with all this without everyone who’s helped me. I am strong, physically and emotionally, but I am even stronger with all of you helping me.