Bad Day Today

Today was a sad day in my household. Not only was the internet turned off three days early (I'm hanging out with my brother and his internet), but my house became two households today. Tony moved out last night.
While it certainly isn't a surprise, what is surprising is just how emotional I am about all this. I've known about him moving out for over a week now. I've even been putting together a pile of household stuff for him to take with him so he's have some things and stuff for the kids. You'd think that all my emotions connected to this divorce would be out, but they aren't.
I managed to keep my composure for most of the time Tony and a friend were moving the furniture out, but towards the end, I had a very tough time keeping myself together. Once Tony was gone the tears wouldn't stop. Friday night was our last night in the house together as a family. If I had thought more about it, I would have done more to make it special. Try to do a family movie or game, anything to make it memorable. Now it's too late to do anything about it all.
I've tried so hard to keep the boys from seeing my tears, but last night I just couldn't hold back. Tony and I have been telling them how it will be a "great adventure" and that now they've got bunk beds and a whole other house to play at. I don't want the boys told things that would confuse them or make them view the other parent poorly, but last night when the boys saw I had been crying I couldn't help but tell them I would really miss their dad. They started crying too and Colten, my sweet artist, drew me a picture of the two of us and wrote "I love you" on it. It means a hundred times more to me than other similar pictures, just simply because he drew it knowing how I was feeling and how it would make me feel better.
Tony's been away from home before, gone camping or other trips, but this was still his home. His stuff and presence was still here. Now his home is only a few miles away, but the house already seems empty and lonely without him. It will be interesting to see how I sleep tonight with only the cats and dogs (and Cooper) for company.
I see now how many divorces leave people bitter and wounded. Tony's moving out has left a jagged hole in my heart that just throbs with pain. It's not just emotional pain I feel, but I ache all over physically. Being the self-sufficient person I am my first reaction when I'm hurting is to get angry and last out at what hurt me. I didn't last out at Tony last night, but I can't say I was really friendly. A big part of me wanted to make him hurt as much as I am. I managed to keep most of "me" together though. I know he felt bad because he kept telling me he was sorry and trying to give me a hug. Sorry doesn't stop the pain I'm feeling. Sorry doesn't put my broken family and broken heart back together. Sorry only makes him feel less guilty for what he's doing. It took all my energy to keep from falling apart right there.
Right now I'm praying to God to heal my heart and keep me from turning to bitterness and anger. It would be very easy for me to hold on to the pain and let it fuel my anger and harden my heart. I'm praying that God will keep my heart softened so I can be a comfort to my children now when everything is confusing and changing. I'm praying I can be strong and survive each day, taking it one day at a time and just do the best I can with the situation I've been handed.

It's all going to be okay

I realize that after posting my last post two weeks ago, I never updated everyone on what has been going on. I have realized that it's all going to be okay. My life will be different, but with time I can be happy.
Last week Tony and I sat down with a divorce lawyer (best lawyer I've ever met!) and are in the process of separating into two households and filing for divorce. We have our reasons for making this decision and have worked out all the complicated details already. This may be a surprise to some, expected by others, but please know that this decision wasn't made rashly, and now we are both looking forward to being better parents and friends by getting a divorce. Life is going to be crazy for me, money will be very tight (as if it wasn't before), but I feel that I will find the confident and sexy woman I know is buried inside after some time.
I'll post details as things progress and change. Thanks for being patient and for giving us space.

My world will never be the same

I know this blog is mostly superficial. I haven't posted any REAL emotional sludge on it in a long time. I've tried to keep it happy and positive, but tonight I just can't. I've tried not to vent against my husband, and instead kept my frustrations in. I can't be "nice" this time.

My world shattered last night with one little phrase, "I want a divorce."
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Yeah, that's what my reaction mostly was.
I've been trying to piece things together today and just survive. I didn't really sleep last night, and I can't blame Cooper this time. My eyes were all puffy and red, and I was asked if I had allergies (staff members) or pink eye (students). All I could do today was remember how my world was rocked two years ago with my miscarriage, and how similar I felt today. The problem is, my rock, my husband who grieved with me, is no longer there. I barely survived the grief I felt with the Taylor and really don't know how I'm going to cope with a broken heart and marriage.
This doesn't come as a total surprise. Tony and I have been having problems of various kinds for the last eleven years. We've tried to keep it all together, but in the last year things have gone downhill fast.
So now instead of rejoicing in getting an almost full-night's sleep, and finally feeling on top of everything at work, my world is back to sleeplessness, constant crying, and then the brainstorming of solutions. My mind has been filled with results from Internet searches, attorney hunts, child support calculators, and yet every time I stop thinking, it all hits me at once. MY DREAM IS GONE. I've always dreamed of a big house filled with kids and a husband who wanted to spend time with me and the kids. Not only will the house I built, painted, and brought my babies home to soon likely be sold, but I have no clue what I am going to do with myself, where I'll live, what to tell the boys. Me the control freak with a plan B for everything, has no back up plan now. I cannot imagine not coming home with my boys, or even not coming home to my house. I wonder how this will affect my boys. My big boy to whom his daddy is his hero, and my baby, who will never remember his parents married. And then there is my middle boy, who is so resilient, but will question and reason out everything.
All I can focus on right now is what a good friend told me, something better might come out of it. It will be rough, and possibly nasty at times, but in the end the anger will be gone and my kids will hopefully have parents who can love them while being civil with each other.
I have to piece together my broken heart, home, and world, and work on surviving each day, one after the other. I have to do it for my kids.

Five months old!

Dear Cooper,
I know this letter is a week late, but you keep me so busy I hardly have time to sit down. You continue to change almost daily sometimes. This last month you've learned to reach out and grab stuff around you, and it usually goes in your mouth. You can also sit up pretty well if I set you up first, and you ALWAYS want to be sitting up watching the action. Lying down is no longer entertaining and you voice your opinion regularly. Your exersaucer is also entertaining still. You won't sleep through the night, but have been getting better at sleeping a little longer. Some nights I'm up with you lots, some only once. You are interested in everything going on around you, especially those noisy big brothers, and often get distracted nursing or fight to stay awake even when you are exhausted. The car seat is still you Nemesis and I don't think that is going to change, ever.
I just love talking with you and watching what a happy baby you are. Sometimes I'll look at you and see my brother, other times a cousin, then at the next glance you look just like your brothers. Your brothers do love you so much. Colten really likes playing peek-a-boo with you and getting you to shake with your belly laughs. Carson gives you toys to chew on and play with. Both brothers give kisses freely and laugh when you try to grab them.
Though the day-to-day is sometimes tough with you (you had your first bad cold last week), I wish I could bottle these days up and save them for when you're too big to cuddle with. The time is passing too fast and I don't want to miss a minute.

Christmas in a flash

My Christmas vacation has gone by too fast. I had a long list of things to do and finish, and very little has gotten checked off the list. Vacation started with Carson getting a nasty cold. Then Christmas Eve I got it and Cooper showed the feverish symptoms when we were in Oregon. After being short of sleep and a slow recovery, I've found some time to post our holiday pictures.

We celebrated Chrismas Eve at my parents and we opened gifts from my parents that night. Mom had made all the boys (even Tony) matching pajamas to wear that night. My dad made us ladies all hand-turned bowls with lids, and chocolate to fill them of course.

The boys all had a great time opening their gifts. Even Cooper got into his new toy book.

The boys all had matching shirts to wear for Christmas day. Cooper's blends in with my dad pretty well.

My dad made all the boys matching wooden bulldozers. Even Cooper got one! The boys used them to push around all the wrapping paper.

Such cuties!

The day after Christmas we headed to Oregon to celebrate with family in Corvallis. My grandma got the boys pillowpets, which they had been wanting!

My aunt got baby time and Cooper got into his new toys.

My tired boys.

Four generations of family.

Cooper got some really cute clothes from family.

First day of vacation, first day of sleep training

Yesterday was my first day of Christmas vacation, and also my first night of trying sleep training with Cooper. I never had to do much actual "sleep training" with my other boys. It was mostly wait until they slept through the night, which they did well on their own. Cooper is still up 2-3 times a night and Friday night was up 5-6 times. I've been so tired I've been falling asleep nursing in my chair the last few nights. He's been sleeping in the antique cradle in our room, but only has about 2 inches of room at the end when he's lying down and really has outgrown it. I feel bad that Tony hears every time Coop fusses and I get up, the squeaky chair I nurse in, the burps, belches, and squawks.
Sleep training? you ask! Right now I'm trying to get Cooper to sleep regularly in his crib. I'm hoping that the distance from me will give him more time to wake up and me more time to think about if he is really awake. Part of the waking up problem is that Cooper won't wake up completely to nurse and will just nurse a little bit. He doesn't want to burp after eating at night either. This makes him wake up an hour after eating to burp or spit up, which wakes me up. I've been really bad too about bringing Cooper to bed with me to snuggle and nurse. He LOVES snuggles and eats well snuggled up, but doesn't nurse so he is fussing just a little bit later.
Cooper slept both naps yesterday and most of last night in his crib. He slept a good two hour nap today and he's asleep in the crib now. I'm hoping if he can get used to sleeping upstairs then I can put the cradle away and move my nursing chair into Coop's room. It is a pain to go up stairs to get Cooper back to sleep, but I'm hoping we can slowly work from 3 times a night to one time a night by January 3rd when I go back to school. I would dearly love to be getting more sleep and longer stretches of it.
I'm not a fan of the "Cry It Out" method, though I did get to a point when I did it with my other boys. Maybe it's because Cooper's my third baby, but I've had more patience with him than ever with the other two. I haven't had to have Coop cry for an extended amount of time. I have been becoming more and more frustrated with the late sleepless nights recently though. Hopefully having two weeks off work and some time to sleep in and get naps will be a good time to get Cooper scheduled and get me some more sleep.

Four months (and one week) big!

Baby Cooper,

You are now a big four months old! Your personality is starting to show. You are still an easy going baby, but without a schedule. You love to sleep and snuggle with Mommy, so much you still don't sleep through the night! She is still up with you two or three times a night. I don't know if this is because you are just growing so fast you need the food, or you just miss me so much now that I'm back at work you need your Mommy time at night. Whatever the reason, please start sleeping longer than 2 hours (or less) at night! Mommy is back at work and is TIRED. You love our sitter though and seem to be doing well with me back at work. You have grown so much! At your dr's appointment this week you were 26 inches long (95%) and almost 15 pounds (50%). Daddy said the doctor was amazed at how strong you are.

You are no longer content to be set down somewhere and look around though, you want to be exercising those arms and legs! The exersaucer is your new favorite toy. You can jump and bounce as much as you want, and you've learned how to turn yourself around to reach all the neat things within reach. Your big brothers enjoy finding new toys to give you. They don't like that you show your appreciation for their toys by slobbering them up though. You haven't started teething yet (thank goodness) but the drool is flowing fast. Bibs have become part of your daily fashion now and you soak through them regularly.

You've gotten some new skills now that you are older too. You can roll over from your tummy to your back. You don't do this very often, but have done it enough we know it can be done. You have yet to roll from your back to your front, but you've come so close to doing it, I'm assuming you can and just haven't discovered it as a means of moving. You can also reach for things in front of you and of course put them to your mouth to taste them. That means you can find and insert your binky regularly!

Probably your favorite time of day, other than snuggling with me, is bath time. Cooper, you LOVE baths! Not only do you get to be naked, but you can kick and wiggle to your heart's content in the water. You don't even mind me washing your hair or splashing you! It is so fun to watch you enjoy bath time.
I am still amazed to watch how fast you are growing each day and know that soon you'll be moving fast to keep up with your big brothers.