a second chance

I know I haven't posted much lately about how things are going with my marriage. Tony and I have decided to try and give our relationship a second chance. We discussed getting back together when I returned from spring break and Tony has been spending more and more days and nights at the house with the boys and I. We're planning to move his furniture and stuff from his house back to my house next weekend.
It might seem that this is all of a sudden, but Tony and I never had a typical separation. We had separate houses, but we still stayed friendly with each other and were able to get along most of the time. Though we haven't worked out all our issues, the biggest ones have been mostly worked out. Only a few more things to discuss and work out, but for the most part we are doing better.
That old phrase about absence making the heart grow fonder, I never really believed it, but being separated for two months proved me wrong. Being a single parent is so much more difficult and I found I miss Tony as a partner dearly. It was much easier to forget our problems when we weren't living together. My kids dearly missed having their dad and our family together, but I missed Tony as a partner an we both realized we love each other very much.
This has been a stressful, exhausting, and expensive experience, but I'm not angry that Tony made the decision that let to this. Our marriage had problems and needed help. We're trying to move on from that it was, and instead rebuild our marriage into one that we can both be happy with and keep it going for another ten years. There's enough things to stress out about in our family right now that having my marriage back together just helps us support each other more. I'm happy, my kids are happier, and my marriage is getting better.

Spring Break 2011

Our spring break started at the train station in Centrailia, on the Amtrak to Albany, a few nights with my Grandma Montgomery, then a few nights at my grandparents in McMinnville, then home for Colten's 8th birthday party. Good busy fun for all

Colten's 8th Birthday

Dear Colten,
How did it happen that I am a mother of an 8 year old boy?! It seems like just yesterday I was sending you off to preschool. You are no longer my little boy, but a big boy with definite boy interests.
You really like your Nintendo DS video games, riding your bike, and bugging your little brothers. You are so independent and do so many things on your own. Your favorite thing to do around the house is to go outside and play in the treehouse or the woods, looking at bugs and flowers. You've grown so big you no longer really fit on my lap to snuggle at all. It seems you are all arms and legs now. It also shows in your appetite too. I'm having to offer you seconds at dinner to make sure you get enough to eat. You'll eat just about anything too. Your attitude has also grown, but not in a good way. More and more often I am having to ask you to improve the attitude and be nicer to your brothers. It isn't easy to get you to do something you really don't want to do. You do chores, though you don't like them, but what you detest the most is the homework. I have the most difficult time getting you to complete homework.
This year for your birthday you wanted to celebrate at Chuck E. Cheese's. We invited friends and family and had your party at the end of spring break. You'd been telling your grandma you wanted a monster truck birthday cake, so that's was she made for you. You had the time of your life at your party.

8 months old!

Dear Cooper,

You are 8 months old, that is 2/3 of a year old!

This last month has been a big one for you developmentally. You started crawling and while you were slow at first, you are fast now. You now have free reign of most of the upstairs rooms and love to follow your brothers around and get into what they are playing with. Colten has become your buddy and will move you gently to a new place or help you get distracted if you’re playing with things you aren’t supposed to. He is also great at working the baby gate at the stairs so you don’t fall down them. You are immediately drawn to all the dangerous things you aren’t supposed to play with. It’s not just your brothers’ small toys, but you love cords and plugs. Even worse is that you now pull yourself up on things and stand (you love doing this) and so you now pull all the things on the tables and couch down on you. There are few safe places to put things out of reach of you.

Cooper you are loving eating! You’re up to three meals a day of baby food and as much nursing as you can get. Almost everything I feed you, you scream for more. I think the only thing you didn’t care for was some carrots and potatoes from pot roast one day I ran through the food mill. Even then I think they were just too thick and you couldn’t swallow them easy. You’ve also started eating finger foods too. Some baby puffs and crackers have made it into your slobbery mouth. Your mouth has been especially drooly this last month because you cut your first tooth! I didn’t even realize you’d cut it until your daddy told me he thought he’d felt one in there. You didn’t even need pain meds to cut it! You sure do like to use that tooth too! You like to sink that little tooth into spoons, chewy toys, and of course me. You’ve never really bit down hard on me until today, but it was enough that it hurt!

Your personality continues to show more and more of your true self. You are not a patient person at all. If you want something you’ve started to scream in frustration because of the delay. Your temper tantrums are coming earlier than either of your brothers! You get mad if a toy (or dangerous thing) is taken away from you or you are moved from it. You get mad if I eat before you, if you want to be held and are set down, if I’m in the room and walk out, even just real quick, you scream.

One thing that you’ve shown you do enjoy this last month is bath time. You’ve always liked baths, but now that I sit you up and don’t lay you down on the sponge you enjoy them even more. You get the biggest entertainment out of splashing water all over yourself and mommy. If you sit up your hands are always splashing, if lying down, your feet are kicking like crazy. Water, water, everywhere!

You still enjoy nursing lots, but are becoming distracted by more things and more often. You are also able to tell me better when you want to nurse. You pull at my shirt and make it well known that I’m not moving fast enough for you. Your favorite thing to do when you nurse is touch and stroke your lovey dog with the satin fabric. You still fall asleep often when you’re nursing, but that’s fine with me.

So many changes and you’re growing still so fast. I miss my little baby sometimes, but am enjoying watching you discover the world around you.

Tunes in my head

Research says that strong memories can be linked to certain smells and even music. How many people remember the song playing on their first date, wedding, etc.. I have lots of memories associated with music. I remember the song playing on the radio driving up to my bad news ultrasound and miscarriage surgery. I've got songs that I associate with so much right now and thought I'd share.
This one is a favorite I turn up loud in the car or wearing headphones and sing to. It does seem to make me feel stronger. This one is another good one that just seems to reflect my thoughts a lot of the time. There's lots of other songs I'm listening to, my iPod gets a regular work out every day. When things are bad listening to music helps me get through the pain.

The good, the bad, the gossip

The Good, the bad, the gossip

People have been wondering how I’ve been doing and I know I’ve given the usual, “Okay” response without details. I know I haven’t post much about my personal life lately but I want to catch everyone up on how I am doing and the happenings in my life.

Some good things have been going on in my life. One of the teachers started a “mileage club” at school complete with pedometers and sign up sheets. I’m not one of the top mileage people, but it is nice to notice that on average I walk 3-4 miles a day just working. My next step is trying to add in more time at home on the elliptical or mix in some yoga. I can’t say I’m losing weight fast, but I have been consistently losing a pound every week or so. Not much, but looking at the scale I’ve lost 30 pounds since I had Cooper. That makes me feel good. My fat clothes are getting too loose, but my skinny clothes are still a little tight, but I’m happy to be getting closer to shedding all the baby weight I gained.

Lots of friends have also expressed concerned that I’m stressed money wise. While my bills are closely monitored, I’m not completely broke. My standard of living may not be what others think is necessary, but I’m able to have everything I need and pay all the bills. I’m even getting creative about ways to eliminated unneccsary bills and find new ways of entertainment. My satellite bill just went up this last month, and while five dollars isn’t much money, overall I don’t regularly spend what I feel is $50 worth of my time watching tv. I’m hoping to buy the family an Xbox Kinect game system and start downloading movies and shows from Netflix through the system. I’m also hoping to get my internet back next month (need it for Netflix) and will be free of the satellite bill then.

Emotionally, I’m doing ok also. Lots of people I talk to keep mentioning how well I seem to be handling everything going on. After the grief I experienced losing Taylor, grieving my marriage is much easier. I’m still grieving, don’t think I’m not, but I know how to keep the darkness away and stay positive. It also helps that Tony and I aren’t fighting or nasty to each other and can still be a part of each other’s life as friends. There are good days and bad days, but I’ve got great friends to help talk with and help make sure more days are good than bad. I’m learning to force myself to go outside my routine and make new friends and meet new people.

With the good, is the bad. Nothing is really just terrible in my life right now, but some things aren’t all sunshine and roses either. As most of you know I had to stop the housekeeping visits due to finances. This means all the housekeeping is up to me and it sucks! I’m not the neatest person in the world, and either are my kids, but I hate housecleaning. I guess the worst part is that I feel like I have to clean the house in one day (instead of pacing myself out throughout the week) and it is just something I don’t care for. I’m great at getting the laundry washed and folded regularly and keeping up on the dishes. But the chores the cleaning woman did, I keep wanting to put them off every Sunday. It’s not like they take lots of time (just the floors and bathrooms) but I have a tough time finding motivation to do them. I do them, believe me I have to keep things clean with the kids around, but staying on top of it just is one more thing on my long list. I’m planning to get the housekeeper back at least for the summer time when the boys are with me every day simply because I’ll need help managing how messy things get when we’re all home all day long.

Other bad things is that things are progressing with the divorce. It is still hard at times to believe that my marriage is ending. I know I should be used to it since Tony’s been moved out for almost two months now, but it still hits me hard at times. The kids often bring up how different things are done at Tony’s house. “Daddy lets us have….” And “Daddy lets us ….” Are brought up often by the kids and though I try not to let it get to me, each one is a little barb right in my heart. I try so hard to keep things positive and not talk negatively about Tony, but when I’m the “no fun” parent, it is so tough to say the right thing. The most often thing compared between the two houses is buying things. The boys want me to buy things that Tony can afford and gets them regularly, but I can’t. I got the greatest advice from a girlfriend last week who told me that instead of telling the kids I can’t afford something, to say, “I’m choosing not to spend my money on that right now.” I guess telling the kids I can’t afford something makes them afraid I don’t have money to buy basic things (which isn’t true) and by making it a choice, then they know that there are different choices to be made about money. It seems to be working better and the boys understand better when I say I’m not buying something because I’m choosing instead to save my money for a vacation or family gift.

The boys have been acting out in response to all the changes that have happened in the last few months too. Colten and Carson regualary argue with each other driving me (and Tony) crazy at times. I’ve started doing what the sitter does with them, “You argue, you do chores” is what our great sitter has them do. It has worked when I’ve had to use it to. Both big boys also have times of bad attitudes and will say negative things to me. I’m trying to be patient and know that they are still adjusting to things, but it is SO frustrating at times. I’m just keeping the rules consistent and if the mood continues dole out consequences. Usually if it’s just a little thing, I tackle the kids and tickle the bad mood out of them. This is far better than getting mad with them. The boys are adjusting just like I am; one day at a time.

Seven Months Big!

Cooper,

You are now seven months old, and already your good looks and personality are showing strong. You have changed so much in these last few weeks.

You absolutely love to eat solids! If it tastes sweet, you will eat lots and lots of baby food. You also really want to eat bites of Mommy's food. I think I will be starting you on little bit size snacks in the next week or two. Right now you usually eat two good meals of food a day in addition to Mama's milk.

You still enjoy nursing lots and I love that we still have such a strong nursing bond. I just don't appreciate it at 2 a.m. I know you love your new foods, but your tummy sure doesn't. Gas medicine helps the problems a little, but Coop, something's gotta change. This mommy needs her sleep, and so do you.

This last month you have become very active and mobile. You can go from your tummy to sitting easily. Most important, you are CRAWLING! The motions aren't fast or the most graceful yet, but you can get where you want to go on all fours now. Sometimes you do the bellyflop or army crawl to get moving, but more and more you have the hands and knees in sync. This means I'll be finding the baby gate quick and all brothers' cool toys will soon be quarantined to their rooms.

Your looks keep changing quickly too. Looking at these pictures I'm seeing you're no longer my little baby, but you have that toddler/little boy look about you. Your hair is getting long and will need to be cut soon. Your personality is showing more too. You absolutely cannot stand being alone somewhere. You have to have someone, brothers, mommy, or daddy talking to you. This makes getting things done around the house interesting. For the most part you are a very happy baby. You just don't like missing out on any action happening around you.

My sweet darling, though the nights are long, the days are flying by and you are changing faster each day. I find myself wanting to hold on to these "baby days" more and more.