Research says that strong memories can be linked to certain smells and even music. How many people remember the song playing on their first date, wedding, etc.. I have lots of memories associated with music. I remember the song playing on the radio driving up to my bad news ultrasound and miscarriage surgery. I've got songs that I associate with so much right now and thought I'd share.
This one is a favorite I turn up loud in the car or wearing headphones and sing to. It does seem to make me feel stronger. This one is another good one that just seems to reflect my thoughts a lot of the time. There's lots of other songs I'm listening to, my iPod gets a regular work out every day. When things are bad listening to music helps me get through the pain.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
The good, the bad, the gossip
The Good, the bad, the gossip
People have been wondering how I’ve been doing and I know I’ve given the usual, “Okay” response without details. I know I haven’t post much about my personal life lately but I want to catch everyone up on how I am doing and the happenings in my life.
Some good things have been going on in my life. One of the teachers started a “mileage club” at school complete with pedometers and sign up sheets. I’m not one of the top mileage people, but it is nice to notice that on average I walk 3-4 miles a day just working. My next step is trying to add in more time at home on the elliptical or mix in some yoga. I can’t say I’m losing weight fast, but I have been consistently losing a pound every week or so. Not much, but looking at the scale I’ve lost 30 pounds since I had Cooper. That makes me feel good. My fat clothes are getting too loose, but my skinny clothes are still a little tight, but I’m happy to be getting closer to shedding all the baby weight I gained.
Lots of friends have also expressed concerned that I’m stressed money wise. While my bills are closely monitored, I’m not completely broke. My standard of living may not be what others think is necessary, but I’m able to have everything I need and pay all the bills. I’m even getting creative about ways to eliminated unneccsary bills and find new ways of entertainment. My satellite bill just went up this last month, and while five dollars isn’t much money, overall I don’t regularly spend what I feel is $50 worth of my time watching tv. I’m hoping to buy the family an Xbox Kinect game system and start downloading movies and shows from Netflix through the system. I’m also hoping to get my internet back next month (need it for Netflix) and will be free of the satellite bill then.
Emotionally, I’m doing ok also. Lots of people I talk to keep mentioning how well I seem to be handling everything going on. After the grief I experienced losing Taylor, grieving my marriage is much easier. I’m still grieving, don’t think I’m not, but I know how to keep the darkness away and stay positive. It also helps that Tony and I aren’t fighting or nasty to each other and can still be a part of each other’s life as friends. There are good days and bad days, but I’ve got great friends to help talk with and help make sure more days are good than bad. I’m learning to force myself to go outside my routine and make new friends and meet new people.
With the good, is the bad. Nothing is really just terrible in my life right now, but some things aren’t all sunshine and roses either. As most of you know I had to stop the housekeeping visits due to finances. This means all the housekeeping is up to me and it sucks! I’m not the neatest person in the world, and either are my kids, but I hate housecleaning. I guess the worst part is that I feel like I have to clean the house in one day (instead of pacing myself out throughout the week) and it is just something I don’t care for. I’m great at getting the laundry washed and folded regularly and keeping up on the dishes. But the chores the cleaning woman did, I keep wanting to put them off every Sunday. It’s not like they take lots of time (just the floors and bathrooms) but I have a tough time finding motivation to do them. I do them, believe me I have to keep things clean with the kids around, but staying on top of it just is one more thing on my long list. I’m planning to get the housekeeper back at least for the summer time when the boys are with me every day simply because I’ll need help managing how messy things get when we’re all home all day long.
Other bad things is that things are progressing with the divorce. It is still hard at times to believe that my marriage is ending. I know I should be used to it since Tony’s been moved out for almost two months now, but it still hits me hard at times. The kids often bring up how different things are done at Tony’s house. “Daddy lets us have….” And “Daddy lets us ….” Are brought up often by the kids and though I try not to let it get to me, each one is a little barb right in my heart. I try so hard to keep things positive and not talk negatively about Tony, but when I’m the “no fun” parent, it is so tough to say the right thing. The most often thing compared between the two houses is buying things. The boys want me to buy things that Tony can afford and gets them regularly, but I can’t. I got the greatest advice from a girlfriend last week who told me that instead of telling the kids I can’t afford something, to say, “I’m choosing not to spend my money on that right now.” I guess telling the kids I can’t afford something makes them afraid I don’t have money to buy basic things (which isn’t true) and by making it a choice, then they know that there are different choices to be made about money. It seems to be working better and the boys understand better when I say I’m not buying something because I’m choosing instead to save my money for a vacation or family gift.
The boys have been acting out in response to all the changes that have happened in the last few months too. Colten and Carson regualary argue with each other driving me (and Tony) crazy at times. I’ve started doing what the sitter does with them, “You argue, you do chores” is what our great sitter has them do. It has worked when I’ve had to use it to. Both big boys also have times of bad attitudes and will say negative things to me. I’m trying to be patient and know that they are still adjusting to things, but it is SO frustrating at times. I’m just keeping the rules consistent and if the mood continues dole out consequences. Usually if it’s just a little thing, I tackle the kids and tickle the bad mood out of them. This is far better than getting mad with them. The boys are adjusting just like I am; one day at a time.
People have been wondering how I’ve been doing and I know I’ve given the usual, “Okay” response without details. I know I haven’t post much about my personal life lately but I want to catch everyone up on how I am doing and the happenings in my life.
Some good things have been going on in my life. One of the teachers started a “mileage club” at school complete with pedometers and sign up sheets. I’m not one of the top mileage people, but it is nice to notice that on average I walk 3-4 miles a day just working. My next step is trying to add in more time at home on the elliptical or mix in some yoga. I can’t say I’m losing weight fast, but I have been consistently losing a pound every week or so. Not much, but looking at the scale I’ve lost 30 pounds since I had Cooper. That makes me feel good. My fat clothes are getting too loose, but my skinny clothes are still a little tight, but I’m happy to be getting closer to shedding all the baby weight I gained.
Lots of friends have also expressed concerned that I’m stressed money wise. While my bills are closely monitored, I’m not completely broke. My standard of living may not be what others think is necessary, but I’m able to have everything I need and pay all the bills. I’m even getting creative about ways to eliminated unneccsary bills and find new ways of entertainment. My satellite bill just went up this last month, and while five dollars isn’t much money, overall I don’t regularly spend what I feel is $50 worth of my time watching tv. I’m hoping to buy the family an Xbox Kinect game system and start downloading movies and shows from Netflix through the system. I’m also hoping to get my internet back next month (need it for Netflix) and will be free of the satellite bill then.
Emotionally, I’m doing ok also. Lots of people I talk to keep mentioning how well I seem to be handling everything going on. After the grief I experienced losing Taylor, grieving my marriage is much easier. I’m still grieving, don’t think I’m not, but I know how to keep the darkness away and stay positive. It also helps that Tony and I aren’t fighting or nasty to each other and can still be a part of each other’s life as friends. There are good days and bad days, but I’ve got great friends to help talk with and help make sure more days are good than bad. I’m learning to force myself to go outside my routine and make new friends and meet new people.
With the good, is the bad. Nothing is really just terrible in my life right now, but some things aren’t all sunshine and roses either. As most of you know I had to stop the housekeeping visits due to finances. This means all the housekeeping is up to me and it sucks! I’m not the neatest person in the world, and either are my kids, but I hate housecleaning. I guess the worst part is that I feel like I have to clean the house in one day (instead of pacing myself out throughout the week) and it is just something I don’t care for. I’m great at getting the laundry washed and folded regularly and keeping up on the dishes. But the chores the cleaning woman did, I keep wanting to put them off every Sunday. It’s not like they take lots of time (just the floors and bathrooms) but I have a tough time finding motivation to do them. I do them, believe me I have to keep things clean with the kids around, but staying on top of it just is one more thing on my long list. I’m planning to get the housekeeper back at least for the summer time when the boys are with me every day simply because I’ll need help managing how messy things get when we’re all home all day long.
Other bad things is that things are progressing with the divorce. It is still hard at times to believe that my marriage is ending. I know I should be used to it since Tony’s been moved out for almost two months now, but it still hits me hard at times. The kids often bring up how different things are done at Tony’s house. “Daddy lets us have….” And “Daddy lets us ….” Are brought up often by the kids and though I try not to let it get to me, each one is a little barb right in my heart. I try so hard to keep things positive and not talk negatively about Tony, but when I’m the “no fun” parent, it is so tough to say the right thing. The most often thing compared between the two houses is buying things. The boys want me to buy things that Tony can afford and gets them regularly, but I can’t. I got the greatest advice from a girlfriend last week who told me that instead of telling the kids I can’t afford something, to say, “I’m choosing not to spend my money on that right now.” I guess telling the kids I can’t afford something makes them afraid I don’t have money to buy basic things (which isn’t true) and by making it a choice, then they know that there are different choices to be made about money. It seems to be working better and the boys understand better when I say I’m not buying something because I’m choosing instead to save my money for a vacation or family gift.
The boys have been acting out in response to all the changes that have happened in the last few months too. Colten and Carson regualary argue with each other driving me (and Tony) crazy at times. I’ve started doing what the sitter does with them, “You argue, you do chores” is what our great sitter has them do. It has worked when I’ve had to use it to. Both big boys also have times of bad attitudes and will say negative things to me. I’m trying to be patient and know that they are still adjusting to things, but it is SO frustrating at times. I’m just keeping the rules consistent and if the mood continues dole out consequences. Usually if it’s just a little thing, I tackle the kids and tickle the bad mood out of them. This is far better than getting mad with them. The boys are adjusting just like I am; one day at a time.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Seven Months Big!
Cooper,
You are now seven months old, and already your good looks and personality are showing strong. You have changed so much in these last few weeks.
You absolutely love to eat solids! If it tastes sweet, you will eat lots and lots of baby food. You also really want to eat bites of Mommy's food. I think I will be starting you on little bit size snacks in the next week or two. 
Right now you usually eat two good meals of food a day in addition to Mama's milk.
Right now you usually eat two good meals of food a day in addition to Mama's milk. You still enjoy nursing lots and I love that we still have such a strong nursing bond. I just don't appreciate it at 2 a.m. I know you love your new foods, but your tummy sure doesn't. Gas medicine helps the problems a little, but Coop, something's gotta change. This mommy needs her sleep, and so do you.
This last month you have become very active and mobile. You can go from your tummy to sitting easily. Most important, you are CRAWLING! The motions aren't fast or the most graceful yet, but you can get where you want to go on all fours now. Sometimes you do the bellyflop or army crawl to get moving, but more and more you have the hands and knees in sync. This means I'll be finding the baby gate quick and all brothers' cool toys will soon be quarantined to their rooms.
Your looks keep changing quickly too. Looking at these pictures I'm seeing you're no longer my little baby, but you have that toddler/little boy look about you. Your hair is getting long and will need to be cut soon. Your personality is showing more too. You absolutely cannot stand being alone somewhere. You have to have someone, brothers, mommy, or daddy talking to you. This makes getting things done around the house interesting. For the most part you are a very happy baby. You just don't like missing out on any action happening around you.
My sweet darling, though the nights are long, the days are flying by and you are changing faster each day. I find myself wanting to hold on to these "baby days" more and more.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Home, Sweet, Home
I love my house. I really do. It has the right amount of acreage with a wonderful view for this country girl. The inside is just right for my family and the kids and I have enough space to roam and not be crowded. But....
My house is now five years old. That's not old compared to many houses, but for this broke and soon-to-be-divorced mother of three, well, five years is enough for it to show its age. When Tony and I built the house, we knew it wasn't the best quality, but we were getting more square footage in a floor plan we liked than with a custom builder. The initial plan was to wait until the kids stopped destroying the house, then start to slowly update rooms, starting with the kitchen, then the carpet and floors, and finally the master bath.
You might be wondering what could be worn out after only five years? Lots of things. I've got the longest list of home improvements needed and no money to do them. Some of them are simple and easy, and will hopefully get done this summer when I have some time, but others will have a long wait. Most likely a five year wait until I can refinance on my own (or remarry) and buy Tony's share out, or sell. Either way, it's five more years until my kitchen gets renovated.
On the "to do" list for this summer is power-washing and re-staining the front porch. The current sealant has worn away from parts over the years and the boards that never see sun have green stuff growing on them. I've also got the bathroom sink that drains really slow, the vinyl flooring peeling up, shampooing the water stain from the Christmas tree stand, and the leaky kitchen faucet on the list. There is also the constant paint touch ups to hide all the kid and pet marks. Those are the small things.
I've got some big things on the list that I can't do alone or soon. I came home from vacation this last week to find several puppy "puddles" on the laminate flooring and a pile o' poo. The laminate is damaged and warped, and though it's not hugely noticeable, it's not something I can forget about either. For right now I'm going to buy a new area rug to cover up the worst spots and forget about it until I have the time and money. My vinyl flooring can be tacked back down from where it is peeling up, but it will eventually need replacement. Though not the cheapest, it certainly wasn't the highest quality flooring when we built the house. I've been told (thank you Uncle Mike) that if I want to re-do the kitchen, then do the floors at the same time, not before. So I will need to redo the kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room at once. I'm also sure the house will need repainting sometime in the next five years also. It looks great now, but how long will the paint last? And the carpet is stained and very worn throughout the entire house thanks to the kids, pets, and just being a full house.
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm worrying about all this stuff with everything else on my mind right now. This place is more than a house, it's my family's home now, and while Tony and I kept putting off doing any major improvements to it, they would have gotten done eventually. That list of things is even farther away from me right now and if ignored will not help add to the value of the property in five years. So if you know some DIY basics and can offer some time and/or tools this summer, I'd love the help and advice.
My house is now five years old. That's not old compared to many houses, but for this broke and soon-to-be-divorced mother of three, well, five years is enough for it to show its age. When Tony and I built the house, we knew it wasn't the best quality, but we were getting more square footage in a floor plan we liked than with a custom builder. The initial plan was to wait until the kids stopped destroying the house, then start to slowly update rooms, starting with the kitchen, then the carpet and floors, and finally the master bath.
You might be wondering what could be worn out after only five years? Lots of things. I've got the longest list of home improvements needed and no money to do them. Some of them are simple and easy, and will hopefully get done this summer when I have some time, but others will have a long wait. Most likely a five year wait until I can refinance on my own (or remarry) and buy Tony's share out, or sell. Either way, it's five more years until my kitchen gets renovated.
On the "to do" list for this summer is power-washing and re-staining the front porch. The current sealant has worn away from parts over the years and the boards that never see sun have green stuff growing on them. I've also got the bathroom sink that drains really slow, the vinyl flooring peeling up, shampooing the water stain from the Christmas tree stand, and the leaky kitchen faucet on the list. There is also the constant paint touch ups to hide all the kid and pet marks. Those are the small things.
I've got some big things on the list that I can't do alone or soon. I came home from vacation this last week to find several puppy "puddles" on the laminate flooring and a pile o' poo. The laminate is damaged and warped, and though it's not hugely noticeable, it's not something I can forget about either. For right now I'm going to buy a new area rug to cover up the worst spots and forget about it until I have the time and money. My vinyl flooring can be tacked back down from where it is peeling up, but it will eventually need replacement. Though not the cheapest, it certainly wasn't the highest quality flooring when we built the house. I've been told (thank you Uncle Mike) that if I want to re-do the kitchen, then do the floors at the same time, not before. So I will need to redo the kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room at once. I'm also sure the house will need repainting sometime in the next five years also. It looks great now, but how long will the paint last? And the carpet is stained and very worn throughout the entire house thanks to the kids, pets, and just being a full house.
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm worrying about all this stuff with everything else on my mind right now. This place is more than a house, it's my family's home now, and while Tony and I kept putting off doing any major improvements to it, they would have gotten done eventually. That list of things is even farther away from me right now and if ignored will not help add to the value of the property in five years. So if you know some DIY basics and can offer some time and/or tools this summer, I'd love the help and advice.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Call me crazy
This last weekend was a four (five) day weekend for my family. Where did I go you might ask? Tucson, Arizona to visit my in-laws, with my kids and estranged husband.
See, crazy! Tony and I bought tickets (non-refundable) for this trip back in October. We talked about what to do and decided it would be a cool vacation for the boys and some time for us to spend with them as a family.
It all went surprisingly well. Hotels were great, planes left on time, family members were wonderful and left the subject of our marriage alone. The only thing that could have been better was the weather. The first three days we were in Tucson it was cold, windy, and often raining. Only on Monday was the sun out in full force. It was so nice to feel the sunshine!
Tony and I managed to focus on the kids and keeping them occupied, so we didn't really spend much time alone with each other or even talk about us. Neither of us got much sleep since Carson and Cooper woke us up several times in the night.
My in-laws were wonderful. They fed us, let us stay with them, and even planned out activities for us to do down there. The Desert Museum was windy, but a really great combination zoo/museum. Colten had especially wanted to see tarantulas and rattle snakes while we were visiting and he was able to see plenty of them, all behind glass walls. Carson really liked the turtles and frogs. He even chose a stuffed turtle he calls "Digger" from the gift shop. Colten wanted a cactus so he got a small (4" tall) Saguaro for at home. He already watered it too. We've had the discussion about how he needs to wait an entire month before watering it again.
Another day the boys all went to the Pima Air Museum to look at old airplanes and the girls went to Tubac, an artsy historic town. On the coldest (and windiest) day we got together with Tony's family and my parents to celebrate Carson's 4th birthday. It was simple, but great fun. Carson really liked his cake and didn't complain about not having lit candles (the wind was blowing too hard).
Normally I'd post pictures of the trip, but I left my camera at home. I was able to take pictures with my MIL's camera, but I don't have those yet so you'll have to make do with your imagination. It was interesting to leave the sun and come back to the snow.
See, crazy! Tony and I bought tickets (non-refundable) for this trip back in October. We talked about what to do and decided it would be a cool vacation for the boys and some time for us to spend with them as a family.
It all went surprisingly well. Hotels were great, planes left on time, family members were wonderful and left the subject of our marriage alone. The only thing that could have been better was the weather. The first three days we were in Tucson it was cold, windy, and often raining. Only on Monday was the sun out in full force. It was so nice to feel the sunshine!
Tony and I managed to focus on the kids and keeping them occupied, so we didn't really spend much time alone with each other or even talk about us. Neither of us got much sleep since Carson and Cooper woke us up several times in the night.
My in-laws were wonderful. They fed us, let us stay with them, and even planned out activities for us to do down there. The Desert Museum was windy, but a really great combination zoo/museum. Colten had especially wanted to see tarantulas and rattle snakes while we were visiting and he was able to see plenty of them, all behind glass walls. Carson really liked the turtles and frogs. He even chose a stuffed turtle he calls "Digger" from the gift shop. Colten wanted a cactus so he got a small (4" tall) Saguaro for at home. He already watered it too. We've had the discussion about how he needs to wait an entire month before watering it again.
Another day the boys all went to the Pima Air Museum to look at old airplanes and the girls went to Tubac, an artsy historic town. On the coldest (and windiest) day we got together with Tony's family and my parents to celebrate Carson's 4th birthday. It was simple, but great fun. Carson really liked his cake and didn't complain about not having lit candles (the wind was blowing too hard).
Normally I'd post pictures of the trip, but I left my camera at home. I was able to take pictures with my MIL's camera, but I don't have those yet so you'll have to make do with your imagination. It was interesting to leave the sun and come back to the snow.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The grass isn't always greener
It’s been two weeks since Tony moved out. Things are getting better each day and week that passes. I have been getting used to the “feast or famine” time with the kids. At first the empty house was really unsettling. Each little noise (and there are always strange noises) would make me jump. I’ve tried to get most of the housework done on nights when I don’t have the boys to keep busy. To save money I’ve had to cancel the housekeeper visits for right now, so I’ve been vacuuming, mopping, and scrubbing toilets. I’ve done quick clean ups, but haven’t had to really clean a house in seven years. I’ve even stocked up on “singles” meals from Trader Joes. I am getting used to the quiet and lack of kid noise.
Single parenting is ok, but definitely presents different challenges. Colten has close to an hour of homework and eye therapy a night and Carson and Cooper have a hard time staying occupied for that long. It takes everything I have at the end of a workday to get dinner on the table, homework done, and get boys in bed and keep my sanity. Once everyone is asleep at hopefully the same time, then I race around the house packing and getting ready for the next day. Not much time for just me.
The hardest things to get used to aren’t the cooking or cleaning changes, but the empty spaces. I have to get used to turning around or entering a room and still being startled by the empty space. Missing furniture, missing clothes and shoes, even Tony’s missing toothbrush still gets me. The worst empty space though is the empty space in bed. I’ve had to get used to snuggling up with a body pillow and the cats at night. Even with them I don’t sleep the best.
People ask if I’m getting sleep. I get some sleep, and would likely sleep more if it wasn’t for my interruptions. Tony gets the boys for Sunday through Wednesday morning, but I get Cooper each night. It is great to see all my boys at least once each day, but Cooper isn’t sleeping well, so I’m not sleeping well. I’m lucky to get to bed by 11:00 most nights hopefully don’t fall asleep reading my book each night. I haven’t finished a book in several weeks, and those of you who know me know that is a big deal for me. Cooper often wakes up several times a night, so I’m happy if I get six hours of sleep total. Caffeine is my friend these days.
Trying to provide a house and food for my boys has been one of the biggest challenges of this separation. It’s a good thing I’m VERY creative with budgeting and money so I am able to keep the house for my boys. It doesn’t make it easier though when my wish list has changed drastically in the last month. Last month I was thinking a massage might be nice, now I’ve got so many things that would be really helpful, but are also expensive. What’s on this list you might wonder? It might bother my city friends, but I feel really exposed in the boonies by myself, so one thing I want is a shotgun. Nothing fancy or over the top, but something that I would be able to protect myself and boys with if someone were to get too nosy. I also am realizing that I want to take the boys and bikes down to the trail to ride, but I don’t have a bike rack that will work on my SUV. I need to look into how much a trailer hitch costs to add to the Rodeo and then get a hitch style bike rack. I’ve got a while yet before the weather is great for biking, and can wait a few months until summer gets closer. One other thing I’m going to need before next winter is an electric bed warmer. I just recently discovered that these things exist and am so tired of returning to a cold bed each time I get up with Cooper at night. Even the flannel sheets and duvet cover can’t keep me warm enough. It would be nice to have one of these now, but spring is getting closer and they are pretty expensive, so I’m thinking of waiting until my birthday in the fall. Then I’ll be nice and warm next winter.
It’s so easy to think things would be easier without your other half in the heat of an argument or fight, but it isn’t easier at all. Yes, there is less laundry, dishes, and cooking, but there is also no one else to depend on to do things. In case you’re curious, no the grass is not greener on the other side. Being a single parent isn’t easier for me than it was to be married. I’m a strong person, but I’ve done things these last few weeks that have made me dig deep for that inner strength. It’s not the chores and parenting that require the strength, it’s the loneliness, just wanting another adult to talk to about your day and have there to listen to that is hard. I am also leaning on all my emotional strength to keep a positive mind and not letting the anger and hurt drag me down that dark hole. There are times I do get angry that these changes are happening and I can’t stop it. Two a.m. is usually when angry thoughts sneak into my mind and a part of me wants to make Tony hurt the way I’m hurting. I have to make myself go to sleep and when I wake up, I realize that things aren’t necessarily easier for him. This separation is difficult for both of us and I somehow have to keep that in perspective.
All my friends and family have been a great help this past month. The random calls just “checking in” from friends, the offers of dinner and time to just talk and vent, the flowers, even some class coverage so I could get back on top of everything going on at school, words can’t begin to describe how supported I feel. I can’t say that I’m happy, but I’m much happier than I would be if I had to deal with all this without everyone who’s helped me. I am strong, physically and emotionally, but I am even stronger with all of you helping me.
Single parenting is ok, but definitely presents different challenges. Colten has close to an hour of homework and eye therapy a night and Carson and Cooper have a hard time staying occupied for that long. It takes everything I have at the end of a workday to get dinner on the table, homework done, and get boys in bed and keep my sanity. Once everyone is asleep at hopefully the same time, then I race around the house packing and getting ready for the next day. Not much time for just me.
The hardest things to get used to aren’t the cooking or cleaning changes, but the empty spaces. I have to get used to turning around or entering a room and still being startled by the empty space. Missing furniture, missing clothes and shoes, even Tony’s missing toothbrush still gets me. The worst empty space though is the empty space in bed. I’ve had to get used to snuggling up with a body pillow and the cats at night. Even with them I don’t sleep the best.
People ask if I’m getting sleep. I get some sleep, and would likely sleep more if it wasn’t for my interruptions. Tony gets the boys for Sunday through Wednesday morning, but I get Cooper each night. It is great to see all my boys at least once each day, but Cooper isn’t sleeping well, so I’m not sleeping well. I’m lucky to get to bed by 11:00 most nights hopefully don’t fall asleep reading my book each night. I haven’t finished a book in several weeks, and those of you who know me know that is a big deal for me. Cooper often wakes up several times a night, so I’m happy if I get six hours of sleep total. Caffeine is my friend these days.
Trying to provide a house and food for my boys has been one of the biggest challenges of this separation. It’s a good thing I’m VERY creative with budgeting and money so I am able to keep the house for my boys. It doesn’t make it easier though when my wish list has changed drastically in the last month. Last month I was thinking a massage might be nice, now I’ve got so many things that would be really helpful, but are also expensive. What’s on this list you might wonder? It might bother my city friends, but I feel really exposed in the boonies by myself, so one thing I want is a shotgun. Nothing fancy or over the top, but something that I would be able to protect myself and boys with if someone were to get too nosy. I also am realizing that I want to take the boys and bikes down to the trail to ride, but I don’t have a bike rack that will work on my SUV. I need to look into how much a trailer hitch costs to add to the Rodeo and then get a hitch style bike rack. I’ve got a while yet before the weather is great for biking, and can wait a few months until summer gets closer. One other thing I’m going to need before next winter is an electric bed warmer. I just recently discovered that these things exist and am so tired of returning to a cold bed each time I get up with Cooper at night. Even the flannel sheets and duvet cover can’t keep me warm enough. It would be nice to have one of these now, but spring is getting closer and they are pretty expensive, so I’m thinking of waiting until my birthday in the fall. Then I’ll be nice and warm next winter.
It’s so easy to think things would be easier without your other half in the heat of an argument or fight, but it isn’t easier at all. Yes, there is less laundry, dishes, and cooking, but there is also no one else to depend on to do things. In case you’re curious, no the grass is not greener on the other side. Being a single parent isn’t easier for me than it was to be married. I’m a strong person, but I’ve done things these last few weeks that have made me dig deep for that inner strength. It’s not the chores and parenting that require the strength, it’s the loneliness, just wanting another adult to talk to about your day and have there to listen to that is hard. I am also leaning on all my emotional strength to keep a positive mind and not letting the anger and hurt drag me down that dark hole. There are times I do get angry that these changes are happening and I can’t stop it. Two a.m. is usually when angry thoughts sneak into my mind and a part of me wants to make Tony hurt the way I’m hurting. I have to make myself go to sleep and when I wake up, I realize that things aren’t necessarily easier for him. This separation is difficult for both of us and I somehow have to keep that in perspective.
All my friends and family have been a great help this past month. The random calls just “checking in” from friends, the offers of dinner and time to just talk and vent, the flowers, even some class coverage so I could get back on top of everything going on at school, words can’t begin to describe how supported I feel. I can’t say that I’m happy, but I’m much happier than I would be if I had to deal with all this without everyone who’s helped me. I am strong, physically and emotionally, but I am even stronger with all of you helping me.
Carson,
Today you turned four years old. You’ve stopped being a little boy, and are now acting so grown up. I often joke that you are four going on forty. It always amazes me how much like me you are. It drives both your daddy and I crazy. Grandma says that I’m getting what I deserve.
You are the most observant kids. You notice all the little details and of course have to mention them. This attention-to-detail attitude often starts arguments with Colten and when you combine it with your stubbornness, can really try my patience. You also like to be in charge and often tell me what you want or don’t want to do. I’m sure I’ll appreciate this later on in your life, but I don’t want to be told that you don’t want to go to bed or get dressed in the morning. It is difficult to change your mind when it is set on something.
You are not always serious minded. Lately you’ve gotten into telling “potty” jokes. One of your favorite things to do is run around the house yelling, “Coop, Coop, the poop!” about Cooper. Your jokes are always funny to you, but not I don’t always see the humor in them.
Preschool is one thing you really enjoy. You are so smart most of the work is easy for you, but you like going to school and seeing your teacher and other students. You got to take cupcakes the other day and celebrate your birthday. You love doing homework worksheets when Colten is doing his homework and you already want to know your letters and numbers.
You’re not all grown up though. With everything that is going on in our family, you still LOVE your lovey and sucking your thumb. We have butted heads several times about when and when not to suck your thumb. I’m hoping you will lose interest in it once you start school. Last year at this time you were potty trained, even at night, but for a while now you’ve been only day trained. I’m not too stressed out about keeping you dry all night, other than having to buy pull-ups. I’m hoping that this, like the thumb sucking, will be something you’ll grow out of soon.
It is scary sometimes how much you are learning and how fast you are growing up. My little snuggle bug is growing up and I need to try to remember each little moment I can. You were, and still are the best Valentine’s day present I’ve ever gotten. I love you sweet boy.
Today you turned four years old. You’ve stopped being a little boy, and are now acting so grown up. I often joke that you are four going on forty. It always amazes me how much like me you are. It drives both your daddy and I crazy. Grandma says that I’m getting what I deserve.
You are the most observant kids. You notice all the little details and of course have to mention them. This attention-to-detail attitude often starts arguments with Colten and when you combine it with your stubbornness, can really try my patience. You also like to be in charge and often tell me what you want or don’t want to do. I’m sure I’ll appreciate this later on in your life, but I don’t want to be told that you don’t want to go to bed or get dressed in the morning. It is difficult to change your mind when it is set on something.
You are not always serious minded. Lately you’ve gotten into telling “potty” jokes. One of your favorite things to do is run around the house yelling, “Coop, Coop, the poop!” about Cooper. Your jokes are always funny to you, but not I don’t always see the humor in them.
Preschool is one thing you really enjoy. You are so smart most of the work is easy for you, but you like going to school and seeing your teacher and other students. You got to take cupcakes the other day and celebrate your birthday. You love doing homework worksheets when Colten is doing his homework and you already want to know your letters and numbers.
You’re not all grown up though. With everything that is going on in our family, you still LOVE your lovey and sucking your thumb. We have butted heads several times about when and when not to suck your thumb. I’m hoping you will lose interest in it once you start school. Last year at this time you were potty trained, even at night, but for a while now you’ve been only day trained. I’m not too stressed out about keeping you dry all night, other than having to buy pull-ups. I’m hoping that this, like the thumb sucking, will be something you’ll grow out of soon.
It is scary sometimes how much you are learning and how fast you are growing up. My little snuggle bug is growing up and I need to try to remember each little moment I can. You were, and still are the best Valentine’s day present I’ve ever gotten. I love you sweet boy.
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