I got gypped

I've been awake since 2 am, and just can't get back to sleep. I know, there are many things out there to help, but since I can't get my brain to shut down long enough for me to sleep, I'll stew over everything going on in my life.

I was at the bank today and out of all the checkers, I got the one that was pregnant. It still bothers me, not in the since that I should be X weeks, because I'm over that, but the reminder of how life gypped me. Miscarriage is all about losing what could have been. I could have been sleepless tonight because of a six week old not sleeping through the night. I could have nursed them back to sleep and snuggled back in bed wondering when they will sleep through the night and if they will let me sleep when I go back to work after materinty leave.

Instead, I'm worrying about why I can't sleep, why I'm a hormonal mess, why I can't be happy for all the pregnant women out there without being just a little bit jealous, why I'm not pregnant yet, and mostly why my baby died. Why did Taylor have to die? I know the logical reasons, but logic isn't around before 6 am. I worry about my friendships I've let go and if I'll ever be able to repair the damage I've caused, about the new friendships I've formed through losing Taylor, and will those get damaged if I get pregnant, and mostly, if I'll ever be able to look at a child close to Taylor's age and not tear up thinking Taylor would be X months or years old now. My baby would be doing __________ right now. As a teacher I wonder if 12 years down the road I'll still think that each time one of my students has a March birthday.

I don't want to "forget" anything about Taylor, but I want to stop hurting so much. I think getting pregnant again will help in some ways, but make things worse in others. When will I stop thinking about the should haves, could haves, would haves instead of the I now haves? When will I find some peace with what happened and stop causing myself heartache with these thoughts? The biggest pain of having a miscarriage is realizing how a future was lost with that child, that child was gypped out of life, and you were gypped out of parenting them, with all the joy and sleepless nights that would go along.