Time passes differently for me these days. Everyday is related to what I was doing a year ago, how old Taylor would be now, and how pregnant my friends are.
One year ago today I took a home pregnancy test and my life was to be forever changed, I just didn't know how much. I remember looking at the positive test and being in shock. I was surprised, angry, and after calming down a bit, a little happy. I had always wanted another baby, but had planned to get pregnant in June of 2009, not 2008! I was angry that things hadn't gone according to my plan and was worried about what I would do with my toddler still in diapers and the crib. I remember feeling those things for quite a while. Fast forward to now. I was so looking forward to having good news to share, but I'm sitting here experiencing cramps and proof that this last cycle of trying didn't work.
Colten has been at Bible school all this week at church. They had a dinner last night for all the kids and families. It was interesting to watch the other parents with babies close to the age Taylor would have been. It was interesting to think about how I would have been dealing with a 3 month old, in addition to my 2 year old and 6 year old last night.
Also at dinner were friends who got pregnant right after my miscarriage and are due any day now. It is sad to think that almost 9 months has passed since then. If someone had told me a year ago how that pregnancy would end and how I would spend my spring and summer having trouble trying to get pregnant, I wouldn't have believed a word they said. Many other friends got pregnant when I started trying for another pregnancy, and they are now moving on to their second trimester and finding out if they are having a boy or girl. It is so hard to talk with them and not think I would be experiencing that if only it had worked then.
I'm losing hope and finding it difficult to even want to keep trying. After 6 failed cycles, I'm just not sure if I want to keep trying. It is too painful everytime my body lets me know it's failed. Sorry to be such a downer, but I just can't keep thinking it will finally work when it isn't.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
How long is enough?
Yesterday was my last day of school. Everyone keep asking me if I was happy my school year was over. I gave an honest response and said I was, it was a rough year, from October on it was tough. Many people would take that comment as it was rough because of the students I had, but many others would pause and remember what happened in October, my miscarriage. Though people wouldn't say anything, they would give me a look like shouldn't you be over that by now?
There's some things I just need to get out. It wasn't just yesterday's looks, but also other things that have made me ask how long is long enough to grieve? There is no definite answer, but I'll tell you 8 months later, I'm still grieving.
Miscarriage is one of the least talked about things in our society today. Statistics show that around 25% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage, that's a lot! But so many people hide their miscarriage and grief and as a society we are less than sympathetic to mothers who have experienced a miscarriage. Phrases such as It was meant to be, You'll have other children, and worse At least it happened early don't help a mother grieve at all, it hurts them! And before you think that these things were told to me by people not close to me, think again. Parents and relatives were the ones who told me these things most. Granted, they were from a different generation, one when miscarrying mothers were told to get pregnant quick and forget their dead baby; at time when miscarrying was often something secretive and shameful.
Tony has been wonderful and supportive these lone 8 months, but even he wonders when will I be done being sad. He has been sad at times too, but he looks at me and just wants me to be happy again with him. One of our pastors told him that put it all into perspective for him. If Colten or Carson had been killed in an accident, how long would you be sad? It made Tony realize that I am still grieving our child, just as I would be grieving if one of my other children had died. Parents of older children who die have pictures of those children and often the place of burial to visit and grieve. Parents of miscarriages have ultrasound pictures if they are lucky.
So before you judge me and wonder why is she writing yet AGAIN about grief? Why can't she just get over it! Think that each time I write about miscarriage, I am remembering Taylor. It doesn't matter if you were pregnant for 5 weeks or 5 months, you grieve the loss of that life, and will always think about how things might have been different. Know also that while I am remembering Taylor, I am also doing well. I'm enjoying my boys and life and look forward to this summer. I once described my grief as a cliff I was climbing and would often lose my grip and fall back. I can now see the top and it is within reach. It has just taken me 8 long months to get there.
There's some things I just need to get out. It wasn't just yesterday's looks, but also other things that have made me ask how long is long enough to grieve? There is no definite answer, but I'll tell you 8 months later, I'm still grieving.
Miscarriage is one of the least talked about things in our society today. Statistics show that around 25% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage, that's a lot! But so many people hide their miscarriage and grief and as a society we are less than sympathetic to mothers who have experienced a miscarriage. Phrases such as It was meant to be, You'll have other children, and worse At least it happened early don't help a mother grieve at all, it hurts them! And before you think that these things were told to me by people not close to me, think again. Parents and relatives were the ones who told me these things most. Granted, they were from a different generation, one when miscarrying mothers were told to get pregnant quick and forget their dead baby; at time when miscarrying was often something secretive and shameful.
Tony has been wonderful and supportive these lone 8 months, but even he wonders when will I be done being sad. He has been sad at times too, but he looks at me and just wants me to be happy again with him. One of our pastors told him that put it all into perspective for him. If Colten or Carson had been killed in an accident, how long would you be sad? It made Tony realize that I am still grieving our child, just as I would be grieving if one of my other children had died. Parents of older children who die have pictures of those children and often the place of burial to visit and grieve. Parents of miscarriages have ultrasound pictures if they are lucky.
So before you judge me and wonder why is she writing yet AGAIN about grief? Why can't she just get over it! Think that each time I write about miscarriage, I am remembering Taylor. It doesn't matter if you were pregnant for 5 weeks or 5 months, you grieve the loss of that life, and will always think about how things might have been different. Know also that while I am remembering Taylor, I am also doing well. I'm enjoying my boys and life and look forward to this summer. I once described my grief as a cliff I was climbing and would often lose my grip and fall back. I can now see the top and it is within reach. It has just taken me 8 long months to get there.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Finding Hope
Whenever anyone experiences loss, there is usually anger and frustration involved. I've been frustrated and angry at so many things these last few weeks: my body, new babies and newly pregnant friends, even God. I know it is a normal part of the grieving process, but I don't like the ME I am when I'm full of anger. So I'm trying to find hope, in everything.
Hope is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had". I've been praying for many months to get pregnant, to be happy, to be a good friend and mom, but it hasn't happened. I don't know if it is just all part of God's timing, or my own snarky pesimistic nature, but I haven't been happy. So last week I stopped praying for the baby I want, and instead prayed for hope. Each and every time I feel the familiar anger well up at the new baby at church, or another friend who is pregnant, I pray that God gives me hope. For now it is working. I can't say I'm happy, but I'm on my way there.
Hope is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had". I've been praying for many months to get pregnant, to be happy, to be a good friend and mom, but it hasn't happened. I don't know if it is just all part of God's timing, or my own snarky pesimistic nature, but I haven't been happy. So last week I stopped praying for the baby I want, and instead prayed for hope. Each and every time I feel the familiar anger well up at the new baby at church, or another friend who is pregnant, I pray that God gives me hope. For now it is working. I can't say I'm happy, but I'm on my way there.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Good News
My big boy lost his first tooth on Monday. It doesn't show up real well here, but it is the bottom front tooth. He's so excited. Tony and I already talked with him about the toothfairy when his tooth started getting loose last week.
If you look really close the tooth is there, in the baggie. He put the baggie under his pillow and managed to get $1 from the toothfairy! Her rates sure have gone up since I was losing teeth! Colten said that the tooth fairy must have run out of "real money" (coin change) and had to give him paper money instead. If I'd been awake yesterday morning, (I wasn't it was a sleepless night for me) I would have taken a picture of him with his dollar and note the toothfairy left for him.
Other good news is that I have a guaranteed job next year! I signed my contract yesterday and have a continuing contract for next year! YES! No job hunting for me, which is good because there are absolutely NO jobs out there for teachers. I don't know how many other people got their jobs back, but I think it was around 15 of the 20 RIFs. I'm praying that the other 5 get their jobs in some way. It is tough times and they are getting tougher each day.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Great Weekend
Here's some pictures of the boys helping me gardening.
Carson loved filling the empty planters with soil and dumping them back into the bed.
Colten took care of any pesky bugs with his squirt gun and helped dig a hole for more dahlias.
Carson is so into wearing his goggles (from the tool kit of Colten's) and insisted on wearing them for storytime. I did coax them off him when he went to bed.
You can't see it, but one of Colten's bottom front teeth is loose. We are just waiting for it to fall out. The toothfairy has been explained.
Today we went to Mt Rainier. It was a beautiful day and there was lots of snow (12+feet)! We had a great time seeing the new visitor center and playing in the snow.
Colten took care of any pesky bugs with his squirt gun and helped dig a hole for more dahlias.
Carson is so into wearing his goggles (from the tool kit of Colten's) and insisted on wearing them for storytime. I did coax them off him when he went to bed.
You can't see it, but one of Colten's bottom front teeth is loose. We are just waiting for it to fall out. The toothfairy has been explained.
Today we went to Mt Rainier. It was a beautiful day and there was lots of snow (12+feet)! We had a great time seeing the new visitor center and playing in the snow.
Friday, May 22, 2009
This and that
I realized today that I kinda left everything hanging with the job and life here.
Tonight I went on a date with one of my favorite guys, Colten. We had sandwiches at dinner and then saw "Night at the Museum" in the theater. Colten had a great time and loaded up on popcorn, soda, and candy. It was a great time just to hang out with him and have fun.
Work is going ok. Memorial weekend is here and the countdown is on. I have a vision of extreme busy-ness for the next month. It will be enough just to survive the next month and end the year with everything complete. Between planning outdoor school and the yearbook for next year, and dealing with my pet project and grading for the current year, I'm swamped. The district posted 17 teaching positions this week, and I am hoping to hear some good news jobwise this next week. I've filled out the right paperwork and hey, there aren't very many crazy people who volunteer to teach bad-mouthed, hormonally charged teenagers all days, so I'm really hoping for some good news.
When times get tough it is so very easy to get down and nasty. I've found these last few weeks so easy to look at friends and think, they've never had to worry about money and can still do what ever they want. What about me? This week I realized how pitiful that attitude has been. I talked with a friend who lost her baby to pre-term labor the day after Christmas. Now, their home is being foreclosed upon, they're moving in with the folks and selling ALL their belongings, like open up the doors and if you like something make an offer selling things. Her husband is having difficulties finding work in the construction industry, and they have so very many bills. I would be devistated, sad, mad, and everything in between, yet my friend tells her kids it is just another adventure in life and that somewhere out there, God's got something better. So can I really wallow in my rediculous RIF when this gal has had so much loss in the last 6 months and she can still smile and look forward. So I'm trying not to look at what everyone else has that I don't, but instead look at the blessings I do have and how I can share what I've got. It's not easy, but the sunshine helps make it work.
Tonight I went on a date with one of my favorite guys, Colten. We had sandwiches at dinner and then saw "Night at the Museum" in the theater. Colten had a great time and loaded up on popcorn, soda, and candy. It was a great time just to hang out with him and have fun.
Work is going ok. Memorial weekend is here and the countdown is on. I have a vision of extreme busy-ness for the next month. It will be enough just to survive the next month and end the year with everything complete. Between planning outdoor school and the yearbook for next year, and dealing with my pet project and grading for the current year, I'm swamped. The district posted 17 teaching positions this week, and I am hoping to hear some good news jobwise this next week. I've filled out the right paperwork and hey, there aren't very many crazy people who volunteer to teach bad-mouthed, hormonally charged teenagers all days, so I'm really hoping for some good news.
When times get tough it is so very easy to get down and nasty. I've found these last few weeks so easy to look at friends and think, they've never had to worry about money and can still do what ever they want. What about me? This week I realized how pitiful that attitude has been. I talked with a friend who lost her baby to pre-term labor the day after Christmas. Now, their home is being foreclosed upon, they're moving in with the folks and selling ALL their belongings, like open up the doors and if you like something make an offer selling things. Her husband is having difficulties finding work in the construction industry, and they have so very many bills. I would be devistated, sad, mad, and everything in between, yet my friend tells her kids it is just another adventure in life and that somewhere out there, God's got something better. So can I really wallow in my rediculous RIF when this gal has had so much loss in the last 6 months and she can still smile and look forward. So I'm trying not to look at what everyone else has that I don't, but instead look at the blessings I do have and how I can share what I've got. It's not easy, but the sunshine helps make it work.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
RIF
Three little letters that change a life in a moment. R...I...F.... So similar to RIP
For those of you not knowing that term, RIF mean "Reduction In Force", in other words: laid off. I started my day at school with my superintendnet announcing that the school board authorized RIF'ing no only the previously known 6, but was giving notices to 20 teachers! We only have a staff of 38! That meant that while I was under the impression I was "safe" from lay offs, I was now without a job for next year! Scary!
Good news is that it is likely that I am going to be hired back, but I don't know what I'll be teaching, or when I'll get hired back. I can only be happy that I am higher up on the list and have the option of getting hired back. Other teachers are getting their jobs eleminated or are having their programs cut. Just pray that I find out soon about the hire backs and can get a job for next year.
For those of you not knowing that term, RIF mean "Reduction In Force", in other words: laid off. I started my day at school with my superintendnet announcing that the school board authorized RIF'ing no only the previously known 6, but was giving notices to 20 teachers! We only have a staff of 38! That meant that while I was under the impression I was "safe" from lay offs, I was now without a job for next year! Scary!
Good news is that it is likely that I am going to be hired back, but I don't know what I'll be teaching, or when I'll get hired back. I can only be happy that I am higher up on the list and have the option of getting hired back. Other teachers are getting their jobs eleminated or are having their programs cut. Just pray that I find out soon about the hire backs and can get a job for next year.
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