Where is the "reset" button???

I was just starting to think my life might somehow be getting back to normal. Good old "Aunt Flow" showed up right on time and I was excited to get my body and hormones back under my control, or so I thought! Yesterday I was is a really pissy mood all morning long, even when I was driving in to work I was fuming mad because they weren't going fast enough.
Then at lunch I went to the bathroom and saw it. Blood, more spotting, similar to when this entire mess started. So I called up my doc's office, left a detailed message for the nurse, and waited anxiously all afternoon for the return call. The nurse must not have heard the phone number I left, because she called Tony's cell (my old one) and after explaining everything to two receptionists, I finally get the nurse. My doc wasn't in yesterday, but the nurse asked all the questions and took notes of all the details I shared and went to talk to the doc who was there. I wasn't worried about getting a different doc's opinion, because the one that was there was the doc for all the high risk patients, and I really respected his opinion. I was told to watch the spotting over the weekend and made an appointment for Tuesday, during the day.
So now I get to worry about all this for the weekend, and then get to cram all my questions and impatience into one short meeting on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll be back at school in time for my 5th period class. I would have asked for a better timed appointment but my doc is booked solid for the next three weeks and the office was able to squish me in at that time. I don't want to be the whiny patient or have to wait three weeks to get answers to this problem. I do want to find out what is happening with my body and also ask my doc about if they have received the genetic testing results. It will have been almost 6 weeks on Tuesday, and I still have yet to hear back.
I just want to hit "reset" for my body to go back to the routine it has had for years, and stop the bleeding and hormone surges. It's almost like my body forgets it's not pregnant anymore and then when it realized there is no baby, it starts spotting again. I need to be level headed and feel in control of my body right now, not thinking that something is still wrong with all of this.

I was at aerobics this morning and heard from my mom about how a teacher in my old district had just lost a baby to SIDS when it was 6 weeks old. My mom and her friend were talking to me about how it was a blessing my baby died when it did and I didn't have to go through that experience. It just made me mad, that they would say things like that. I know they were trying to be supportive, but they weren't at all. Yes, I know it is better for my baby to have died when it did, because it most likely had a serious genetic flaw and wouldn't have had a great life. I know that it would be worse for me if I had gone most or all of the pregnancy and have something like that happen. I've read the stories of babies who have lived only days or weeks, and felt the pain those mom's go through. On the flip side, I think it was just insensitive to talk about my baby dying being good. What would have been good is me being 6 months pregnant now, not fighting with my body to get back to "normal".

There is a part of me that really wants to get pregnant again, soon. That's the impractical, hormonal, crazy person that sneaks out when my defenses are down. The one that's becoming glued to the blogs and boards of the dead baby mamas out there. Then I have to stop and realize that not only is my body not ready to be pregnant again, but my mind isn't either. Being a teacher I have to put some thought into when I want to have a baby. I keep going back and forth in my mind about how I could have a winter baby, but it wouldn't be as convenient as spring. I also am trying to keep in mind how pregnant I would want to be this summer and going to outdoor school next fall. I know I don't want to be hugely pregnant then, but that's as far as I'm certain about. That at least makes me hold off trying to get pregnant until this spring. Part of me prays that I can wait patiently, but another part waits for God to give me another surprise.