Silently screaming

When people learned of my miscarriage, the phrase most said in sympathy was, "It was meant to be." I've thought about what that phrase means for a year. Does it mean that it is better that my baby died than be born, or does it mean that God wanted my baby to die?

A question was asked on the pregnancy loss boards that made me think. What series of events did my miscarriage put into play for the better. Some ladies said they were able to get jobs with better insurance or benifits so when they do have a baby, they will be better able to care for it. Others shared that their faith has grown stronger.

This entire last year my dream of getting pregnant again is what kept me going and wading through my grief of losing Taylor. Now that dream is gone, my hope is gone, and lots of my faith is gone. I could say that I appreciate the children I have and my wonderful husband, but in many ways, my life is very much the same as it was a year ago.

In some ways I think I am worse than last year. Pregnant women and babies such a strong sadness in me that I will go to extreme lengths to avoid any contact with them. So many of my friends are pregnant or have babies I have very little communication with any of them. Instead of praying for healing and a new pregnancy, I've lost all hope and faith. I no longer think about when I'll get pregnant, but instead wonder in a sad way if I'll ever have the joy of being pregnant again.

Some days I feel like I'm lost at sea, and that everyone who was with me has been rescued. Their prayers have been answered, but mine haven't. I'm still floundering, trying just to keep my head above water some days wondering if it will ever end. I feel like I'm screaming and crying for help but there are no help coming. The only answers I get are from those women lost in the same water; some there longer than me and weakened more by infertility. Does anyone hear me? Do they not know how to help, or are they tired of hearing about my grief?

So many people have told me to pray, or have faith, or just trust that God has a plan, and I've been trying so much to keep that, but knowing now that I won't be pregnant and able to share the experience with my close friends, that I won't have a baby for at least another year, has destroyed the hope and faith that I had in my body and in God's plan. Other people told me to accept the blessings I've got (my boys) and be happy with that. I once was talking with a friend about how much I wanted to be pregnant and another baby. She said that maybe I couldn't have anymore children. When the conversation happened last spring, I told her that of course I would get pregnant! I ALWAYS got pregnant easy. Now I'm realizing how much she was right. The chances of me getting pregnant again are getting slimmer with every failed cycle I have. I have to be happy with what I've got, and stop wishing for unfulfilled dreams.