Six months

My sweet baby Cooper,
You are six months old. How half a year has passed, I don’t know, but the time has gone by too fast. You have changed so much in this last month. You’ve gone from being a “lump” baby to a “moving” baby. You are no longer content to sit in my arms and just watch the world around you. Even the toys on the high chair or exer-saucer bore you. Cooper, you want to be moving! And move you can! You can roll from side to side and can flip so quick, diapering you has become a challenge. You sit up on your own so well and love to look around at the new view. Your favorite thing to do right now is get up on your hands and knees and rock back and forth. You also like to “swim” on your belly with your arms and legs moving as fast as you can. I no longer find you in the same place I put you on the floor. You will roll, turn, and scoot your way over to whatever catches you interest. Soon I will be putting up the baby gates and shutting doors to rooms to keep you contained. Your brothers will quickly realize that most of their toys will need to stay in their rooms if they want to play without you interrupting.
Your hands and feet are still favorite things to chew on, but you are also fascinated by electronics. Cell phones, remotes, games; if it has buttons you want it. As much as you are chewing and drooling I’m sure some teeth will be appearing soon, but you can wait as long as you want to get them.
This last month you also started some solid foods. You’ve had rice and oatmeal cereals so far and are getting the hang of spoon feeding. You will eat a pretty good amount of cereal when you are hungry. I haven’t started fruits or veggies yet, simply because I’m trying to get into the routine of feeding you at every dinner time before I start on new things. I want you to have the skills to eating before spending money on baby food that you will just spit out.
You still love to nurse, but I have had to move my nursing rocker from my room to your room. You do much better without distractions when there is just Mommy who needs your attention. You still wake up several times in the night, but usually just nurse quick and go back to sleep. Speaking of sleep, you are sleeping all the time in your big crib now. You’ve quickly outgrown the cradle, and though you sometimes snuggle and nurse in the night with Mommy, you spend most of the time sleeping in you crib. As frustrating as it is climbing up and down the stairs at night, I still love every minute of your snuggles I can get, even if I’m mostly asleep doing it.
Your temperament is still very go with the flow, though you do show signs of a temper in there when I don’t do what you want fast enough. You don’t have much patience either when there is something you want right then. You do much better in the car seat though. We haven’t taken any long trips recently though, so it could just be the lack of time spent in the seat.

I can't seem to get enough time to just watch how much you grow.

I just did the most difficult thing. I filed the paperwork for a dissolution to my marriage and wrote a really big check to the attorney. I’ve been putting it off for a week or so, but with Tony moving out this last weekend I had to bite the bullet and do it. I don’t want a divorce, but Tony does and I have to agree that our marriage hasn’t been the best this last year. If I put off filing the paperwork or waited for Tony to do it, it would just be one more thing to argue over. I had the money, both Tony and I liked how the attorney worked with us, so I just did it. Things will start rolling now.

A dear aunt sent me an email and told me to refer to Jeremiah 29:11. Ironically, I hadn’t looked it up yet, but a student yesterday had it written out on a book mark and I saw it. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I know that God has a plan for Tony and I. It just won’t be a plan for us together married.

People ask me why I’m not fighting for my marriage. It’s hard to fight someone when they’ve got their mind made up. I can’t force Tony to try counseling. I can’t keep him from moving out. I can’t keep him from finding another attorney, one that doesn’t specialize in calm, collaborative divorces, but likes battles in court. All I can do now is go with the flow, stay calm and levelheaded, and make good decisions for what little of my life is still in my control.

Things have gone well so far this week with the boys staying with Tony. I’ve gotten to have Cooper each night at bedtime so I can nurse him at night. This is nice because I get to see Colten and Carson at bed time, help with homework and say prayers with them. They both seem happy to be spending time with Tony and enjoy being at his house. They are most excited about the bunk beds Tony got for them to sleep in. I’m sure there will be a time of adjustment.

People have been asking me how they can help or what they can pray for me. If you pray for my family, pray for several things. That the boys (and Tony and I) continue to adjust well to our new households and work out complications smoothly. Pray that I am able to keep and open mind and heart. That even though I am hurting, that I don’t use that anger as a weapon against Tony or others, that I stay positive and don’t get bitter. Pray that I don’t let the small stuff get to me. The judgmental or negative comments to get me down. That I can let this process I started today continue to a resolution both Tony and I can be happy with.

Bad Day Today

Today was a sad day in my household. Not only was the internet turned off three days early (I'm hanging out with my brother and his internet), but my house became two households today. Tony moved out last night.
While it certainly isn't a surprise, what is surprising is just how emotional I am about all this. I've known about him moving out for over a week now. I've even been putting together a pile of household stuff for him to take with him so he's have some things and stuff for the kids. You'd think that all my emotions connected to this divorce would be out, but they aren't.
I managed to keep my composure for most of the time Tony and a friend were moving the furniture out, but towards the end, I had a very tough time keeping myself together. Once Tony was gone the tears wouldn't stop. Friday night was our last night in the house together as a family. If I had thought more about it, I would have done more to make it special. Try to do a family movie or game, anything to make it memorable. Now it's too late to do anything about it all.
I've tried so hard to keep the boys from seeing my tears, but last night I just couldn't hold back. Tony and I have been telling them how it will be a "great adventure" and that now they've got bunk beds and a whole other house to play at. I don't want the boys told things that would confuse them or make them view the other parent poorly, but last night when the boys saw I had been crying I couldn't help but tell them I would really miss their dad. They started crying too and Colten, my sweet artist, drew me a picture of the two of us and wrote "I love you" on it. It means a hundred times more to me than other similar pictures, just simply because he drew it knowing how I was feeling and how it would make me feel better.
Tony's been away from home before, gone camping or other trips, but this was still his home. His stuff and presence was still here. Now his home is only a few miles away, but the house already seems empty and lonely without him. It will be interesting to see how I sleep tonight with only the cats and dogs (and Cooper) for company.
I see now how many divorces leave people bitter and wounded. Tony's moving out has left a jagged hole in my heart that just throbs with pain. It's not just emotional pain I feel, but I ache all over physically. Being the self-sufficient person I am my first reaction when I'm hurting is to get angry and last out at what hurt me. I didn't last out at Tony last night, but I can't say I was really friendly. A big part of me wanted to make him hurt as much as I am. I managed to keep most of "me" together though. I know he felt bad because he kept telling me he was sorry and trying to give me a hug. Sorry doesn't stop the pain I'm feeling. Sorry doesn't put my broken family and broken heart back together. Sorry only makes him feel less guilty for what he's doing. It took all my energy to keep from falling apart right there.
Right now I'm praying to God to heal my heart and keep me from turning to bitterness and anger. It would be very easy for me to hold on to the pain and let it fuel my anger and harden my heart. I'm praying that God will keep my heart softened so I can be a comfort to my children now when everything is confusing and changing. I'm praying I can be strong and survive each day, taking it one day at a time and just do the best I can with the situation I've been handed.

It's all going to be okay

I realize that after posting my last post two weeks ago, I never updated everyone on what has been going on. I have realized that it's all going to be okay. My life will be different, but with time I can be happy.
Last week Tony and I sat down with a divorce lawyer (best lawyer I've ever met!) and are in the process of separating into two households and filing for divorce. We have our reasons for making this decision and have worked out all the complicated details already. This may be a surprise to some, expected by others, but please know that this decision wasn't made rashly, and now we are both looking forward to being better parents and friends by getting a divorce. Life is going to be crazy for me, money will be very tight (as if it wasn't before), but I feel that I will find the confident and sexy woman I know is buried inside after some time.
I'll post details as things progress and change. Thanks for being patient and for giving us space.

My world will never be the same

I know this blog is mostly superficial. I haven't posted any REAL emotional sludge on it in a long time. I've tried to keep it happy and positive, but tonight I just can't. I've tried not to vent against my husband, and instead kept my frustrations in. I can't be "nice" this time.

My world shattered last night with one little phrase, "I want a divorce."
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Yeah, that's what my reaction mostly was.
I've been trying to piece things together today and just survive. I didn't really sleep last night, and I can't blame Cooper this time. My eyes were all puffy and red, and I was asked if I had allergies (staff members) or pink eye (students). All I could do today was remember how my world was rocked two years ago with my miscarriage, and how similar I felt today. The problem is, my rock, my husband who grieved with me, is no longer there. I barely survived the grief I felt with the Taylor and really don't know how I'm going to cope with a broken heart and marriage.
This doesn't come as a total surprise. Tony and I have been having problems of various kinds for the last eleven years. We've tried to keep it all together, but in the last year things have gone downhill fast.
So now instead of rejoicing in getting an almost full-night's sleep, and finally feeling on top of everything at work, my world is back to sleeplessness, constant crying, and then the brainstorming of solutions. My mind has been filled with results from Internet searches, attorney hunts, child support calculators, and yet every time I stop thinking, it all hits me at once. MY DREAM IS GONE. I've always dreamed of a big house filled with kids and a husband who wanted to spend time with me and the kids. Not only will the house I built, painted, and brought my babies home to soon likely be sold, but I have no clue what I am going to do with myself, where I'll live, what to tell the boys. Me the control freak with a plan B for everything, has no back up plan now. I cannot imagine not coming home with my boys, or even not coming home to my house. I wonder how this will affect my boys. My big boy to whom his daddy is his hero, and my baby, who will never remember his parents married. And then there is my middle boy, who is so resilient, but will question and reason out everything.
All I can focus on right now is what a good friend told me, something better might come out of it. It will be rough, and possibly nasty at times, but in the end the anger will be gone and my kids will hopefully have parents who can love them while being civil with each other.
I have to piece together my broken heart, home, and world, and work on surviving each day, one after the other. I have to do it for my kids.

Five months old!

Dear Cooper,
I know this letter is a week late, but you keep me so busy I hardly have time to sit down. You continue to change almost daily sometimes. This last month you've learned to reach out and grab stuff around you, and it usually goes in your mouth. You can also sit up pretty well if I set you up first, and you ALWAYS want to be sitting up watching the action. Lying down is no longer entertaining and you voice your opinion regularly. Your exersaucer is also entertaining still. You won't sleep through the night, but have been getting better at sleeping a little longer. Some nights I'm up with you lots, some only once. You are interested in everything going on around you, especially those noisy big brothers, and often get distracted nursing or fight to stay awake even when you are exhausted. The car seat is still you Nemesis and I don't think that is going to change, ever.
I just love talking with you and watching what a happy baby you are. Sometimes I'll look at you and see my brother, other times a cousin, then at the next glance you look just like your brothers. Your brothers do love you so much. Colten really likes playing peek-a-boo with you and getting you to shake with your belly laughs. Carson gives you toys to chew on and play with. Both brothers give kisses freely and laugh when you try to grab them.
Though the day-to-day is sometimes tough with you (you had your first bad cold last week), I wish I could bottle these days up and save them for when you're too big to cuddle with. The time is passing too fast and I don't want to miss a minute.

Christmas in a flash

My Christmas vacation has gone by too fast. I had a long list of things to do and finish, and very little has gotten checked off the list. Vacation started with Carson getting a nasty cold. Then Christmas Eve I got it and Cooper showed the feverish symptoms when we were in Oregon. After being short of sleep and a slow recovery, I've found some time to post our holiday pictures.

We celebrated Chrismas Eve at my parents and we opened gifts from my parents that night. Mom had made all the boys (even Tony) matching pajamas to wear that night. My dad made us ladies all hand-turned bowls with lids, and chocolate to fill them of course.

The boys all had a great time opening their gifts. Even Cooper got into his new toy book.

The boys all had matching shirts to wear for Christmas day. Cooper's blends in with my dad pretty well.

My dad made all the boys matching wooden bulldozers. Even Cooper got one! The boys used them to push around all the wrapping paper.

Such cuties!

The day after Christmas we headed to Oregon to celebrate with family in Corvallis. My grandma got the boys pillowpets, which they had been wanting!

My aunt got baby time and Cooper got into his new toys.

My tired boys.

Four generations of family.

Cooper got some really cute clothes from family.