One Month

One month ago today our lives were changed forever; our baby was dead and the D&C was scheduled. Overall, I've done pretty good today. I've only teared up a couple times, but am allowing myself a good cry now that the kids are in bed. I've grown so much in a month, but also cried so much. I didn't think I'd still miss that baby so much, even a month later. I thought I would have the answers from the genetic testing now, but still no information.

Today was the last day of my conferences. All the meeting went well, but it was touching how many of the moms were supportive and had kind things to say. Some moms even told me how they wanted to email me after my miscarriage, but didn't know what to say and didn't want me to take it the wrong way. I've realized miscarriage, even late ones like mine, happen far more often than anyone realizes when they haven't had one. It's the club you never want to join, but when you do, everyone you know is in it, even complete strangers. I had one mom yesterday who didn't know I'd been pregnant or miscarried, but I mentioned being out from work after surgery and told her. She spilled her entire 22 week still born story out to me right there in the conference. I never wanted to experience a miscarriage, and don't want to again, but the support from other women out there is amazing. My mom couldn't really offer much to say other than, "It was meant to be..." but reading the stories of loss, grief, and happiness are so very helpful. Sad as it is, even the babylossdirectory, has been a wonderful place to go and realize that I am not alone in this, and if anything, I was fortunate to have the experience I did.

The worst thing about today is that my body decided to remind me in the worst of ways that no, I am no longer pregnant, and can't even pretend it. Good old "Aunt Flow" decided to descend upon my life, right in time for the weekend. The only good thing about this is that my body is now back to "normal" so my husband and I can start relaxing and focusing on each other now. The worst part about being "normal" is that now I need to think about not getting pregnant again right away, or ever if my husband had his choice. I need to worry about getting in better shape for spring and getting my mind back in the positive spot it needs to be. My days are getting better and my attitude is picking up, so I don't think I'm going to stay stuck in this depression.

I've been sick with a nasty cold for over a week now, and it's taken it toll on my body and mind. After a week of sucking down NyQuil to sleep and chomping cough drops, I'm ready to start getting better. I've taken Monday off, so I have a four day weekend. I was saving my personal days for maternity leave, but since I won't be using it this year, I need to use at least two of the personal days, or I lose them, without pay. So I opted for a long weekend. My students even think I really need to get away. So the family is going to eastern Oregon to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin. The weather is usually better over there, and maybe it will even snow. My aunt is Italian and a wonderful cook. I'm looking forward to all the food and relaxing I can do. I want to play with my boys and be pampered by my aunt. It should be just what I need right now.