Most days now are good. I'm slowly becoming the nice loving mommy and wife that disappeared five months ago. I'm a better teacher and friend too. But some days are still so hard. Last night and this morning were very teary and tough.
Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine who is 21 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her, she's lost two babies before, but I can't help but wish we were pregnant together still. I remember talking this summer about how much fun it would be to have a "friend" for my baby, and how we were both wanting girls (she has 3 boys). We also talked about how these were both surprise pregnancies for us. Now my friend has my old maternity clothes and is feeling her baby move and squirm, and mine is dead and at a bio hazard waste site. I'm happy for my friend, I am, but it was difficult to hear her talking about how she was feeling. I was the one asking questions about her pregnancy so it was my own fault.
I survived my first day back at church since I lost the baby. I was there one day in October, but was working in the nursery, not in the congregation. Today was my lucky day, mostly. There was only one pregnant gal in church and she sat on the other side of the room. I didn't even notice her until the service was almost over. People who knew of our loss were happy to see us and happy we were healthy. The hardest part was when the service was over. I passed all these people who had known I was pregnant, but I hadn't talked to in weeks. I looked at them, but didn't stop to say hi or chat. The new babies and bellies were out and about after service also. I just wanted to get home, quickly.
Tony thinks that I should be over these feelings towards pregnant women by now, and that if I'm not, then I need mental help. I don't know when I'll stop feeling jealous of babies and bellies. I can't say when I'll be over it. Just being me, I suspect it will be closer to spring, when my due date was and when I can look forward to getting pregnant again.
Right now I'm trying to keep myself from wallowing in grief and getting down. I've realized it can happen so quick and easy. It is so tough to force myself to get up and do something, anything active. I've decided I'd like to lose 10 pounds, 15 would be better. I'm determined to start doing yoga each morning before I go to work, and still do a cardio workout several days a week. That's a start.
The other tough part is the food I eat. Holidays are the worst time for me to stick to a healthy diet. If I can stick it out (mostly) this year, I'll be better off for the rest of winter. I've noticed that the worse I eat, the more depressed I get, so I'm sticking to the homemade food, and shunning the sweets and ice cream. Chocolate is one thing I am willing to give in to though, so some small Dove Promises satisfy my daily craving.
Today I pulled weeds and labeled plants in my flowerbed for a workout. I've always put off whacking the old dead plants and weeding around them until the spring. This last spring I was weeding and wound up pulling up some of my spring bulbs! That motivated me to label all my plants, because lots of my bulbs are starting to sprout now. It sure looks better than it did and hopefully it will result in fewer weeds in the spring and summer. Tony did notice that I started with the side of the house that no one sees, and the front beds are still a mess. I plan to attack those next weekend since I'm sticking around for the weekend.
2 comments:
I found that the due date was a good mark for me. You are normal, and what does "being over it" mean anyway. It's OK that Tony feels different, but how you feel is fine too.
Yes, you are normal. Grief is normal, hard days too. He may just be worried about the difference between sad and depressed, so you tell him the girlfriends know best. :)
Post a Comment