Each day is getting better for me. Today I got out of the house and enjoyed myself. I even forgot my problems for a little while. It sounds terrible, but when something bad like a miscarriage happens, it shows you how much people care about you. I'm the independent type of person who has never relied on having people around me all the time. The support Tony and I have had from friends and family these last few days has been truly amazing though. I just want to thank all the friends and family who have sent cards and emails of support, prayers, and love for us. I need to thank all the girlfriends for our play date this morning and not making things awkward at all. It was wonderful to forget my problems and just talk about our kids and husbands, not me and my dead baby. Thanks to all the people who have made us dinner and given us meals. It has been a blessing not to worry about cooking food on top of all else. Thanks to my school and the staff there. Everyone has been so supportive and helpful. They've even created lesson plans and ran copies for me. The flowers are beautiful too. The box full of papers to correct over this weekend will keep me busy and my mind off the baby.
Thanks to my children today for being cranky and needy enough to keep my mind and hands focused on them and not myself. Colten even asked so many questions in the car driving that I had almost no time to think to myself. Carson is teething and has been very clingy all day since he hasn't really seen much of me the last few days. It has been helpful to cuddle him in his misery because sometimes I've needed just to sit and rock a warm something back to sleep. He didn't nap well today, but I got 1/2 an hour of snuggles which was worth all the temper he gave later.
I want to especially thank my husband. He has been everything I have needed these last few days. He has put up with my emotional mood swings, gone away when I've asked, cuddled when I've wanted him close, and yet has never asked me for anything. He has taken care of the kids and myself, making sure I'm resting and not overdoing it. I know he is grieving, but he doesn't show it much. I wish I could support and help him with this loss as much as he has helped me. I just hope he reads this and understands what a wonderful man he is to me. Honey, it is just tough to put all these emotions into words, but I'll try to tell you all this in person.
Today was better and I'm sure each day that follows will get better. I can't say the day is good, but better is right. I got up this morning and got a shower. My eyes weren't so puffy from crying that Colten teased me about them anymore. I even managed to go most of the day with only tearing up at times, not spontaneous tear bursts. Until this afternoon, being tired, the George Strait song, "I saw God today," came on the radio and the fact that it was about the birth of a baby girl, I lost it there in the car. After that I've cried at the cards and flowers that have come in. But I'm recovering now with some good chocolate and reflection. You've got to love Almond Roca for therapy. If only I had a nice cold glass of wine, or not. I'm sure I'd be asleep before finishing this post.
Tony took Colten to the high school football game tonight. Tony might have asked if I wanted to go and bring Carson, but he knows how much I don't like football, much less standing outside on a cold (32 degrees) night to watch high schoolers I don't know pound on each other. So Tony bundled up Colten to go and socialize (it's a small town) and Carson and I are going to bed early. I just hope I sleep through the night. My doctor gave me something to help me sleep for a while, but it seems to work for 6 hours. That doesn't get me very close to the 8-10 I'm needing. I'm hoping it'll get better soon.
For those you praying for me, please also pray for Kathy. She is a friend of a friend, but just found out that she was having twins, lost one twin, and this last week lost the other. She is only 8 weeks along, but still needs prayer for her. She has had to go through the loss twice.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Starting to move on
Today was much better than yesterday. My pain is gone and bleeding is almost stopped. Physically I'm doing fine. Mentally, I'm starting to move on. I stayed busy today, maybe a little too busy. I got school work done, kitchen cleaned, laundry done. Anything to keep busy. I did get a headache this afternoon though. I even got a shower. Getting out of the shower and going to the closet was bad though. I'll be doing fine and then one small thing will set off the tears and emotions. The closet with all the maternity clothes did it for me. I was quickly motivated to pack up all those. Thank goodness I fit back into my regular clothes. I'm not the same dementions, but they fit. Some clothes were boxed up to share with a friend, others put away for next time. I also put the ultrasound pictures and the pregnancy test in a box to pull out later.
Today was the first time Tony and I have mentioned "next time". I know my husband is pleased with only having two healthy kids and scared to try again. He doesn't want to go through this again. I feel a need to have another. I've always wanted a bigger family so I really want another. Tony knows this and we each respect each other's opinions. If we try again it probably won't be until this spring. We need some time to work through our grief with this.
Tomorrow I am on my own with the boys. I've got a playdate planned for the morning and plan to rest in the afternoon. Maybe I'll go visit my aunt and her kids since the have the day off school as well. It'll be great to get out of the house and see other people.
It is strange how I don't want to share my experience with some people, but yet can open up and share it with others. One friend kept asking all these questions and wanted to know all the details, but yet never has lost a baby. I just wanted to tell her to read my blog and leave me alone, but she was bringing a dinner and didn't want to tick her off. Another friend has lost two babies at 16 and 20 weeks so she was great to talk to and share experiences. I could open up and share every gory detail with her, and she doesn't know my blog address even. It is just strange. It is strange how unwilling to share some of this I was though.
Talking with one of my girlfriends, she was surprised how much I had shared and written about this miscarriage. I just need to get it all out in writing. My husband is great, but doesn't want to continually talk and rehash my feelings. He is dealing with his own grief, so writing all this out is my therapy, my venting and help. The same girlfriend had lost her first baby to miscarriage, and asked if I thought I was dealing with it better because I had already had two healthy pregnancies and kids. I really think having had two healthy children does make it easier. I know this miscarriage was not a lacking on my part. I also have not just a husband, but two boys to play and cuddle with. They sure keep my mind off my loss when I'm chasing them around the house. I can feel confident that I will go on to have a healthy baby in my arms after this tragedy.
I have started to come to terms with "why" this happened. I don't really know, but I do know God had a plan. Tony and I agree we were not prepared to raise a child with severe disabilities, and maybe God realized how overwhelmed I would be with two little ones only two years apart. I can't blame anyone, even God, and know if I let myself get angry, it will eat me alive.
I plan to go back to work on Wednesday. I did some research and discovered that ironically, this is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Strange huh! I do want to thank everyone who has helped us with this ordeal. All the friends and family who have called and emailed have been wonderful. We've been given so much food I won't have to cook for a week! We've had great dinners the last few nights from wonderful cooks. So many people have been praying for a fast recovery. It has been good to have everyone close at this time.
Today was the first time Tony and I have mentioned "next time". I know my husband is pleased with only having two healthy kids and scared to try again. He doesn't want to go through this again. I feel a need to have another. I've always wanted a bigger family so I really want another. Tony knows this and we each respect each other's opinions. If we try again it probably won't be until this spring. We need some time to work through our grief with this.
Tomorrow I am on my own with the boys. I've got a playdate planned for the morning and plan to rest in the afternoon. Maybe I'll go visit my aunt and her kids since the have the day off school as well. It'll be great to get out of the house and see other people.
It is strange how I don't want to share my experience with some people, but yet can open up and share it with others. One friend kept asking all these questions and wanted to know all the details, but yet never has lost a baby. I just wanted to tell her to read my blog and leave me alone, but she was bringing a dinner and didn't want to tick her off. Another friend has lost two babies at 16 and 20 weeks so she was great to talk to and share experiences. I could open up and share every gory detail with her, and she doesn't know my blog address even. It is just strange. It is strange how unwilling to share some of this I was though.
Talking with one of my girlfriends, she was surprised how much I had shared and written about this miscarriage. I just need to get it all out in writing. My husband is great, but doesn't want to continually talk and rehash my feelings. He is dealing with his own grief, so writing all this out is my therapy, my venting and help. The same girlfriend had lost her first baby to miscarriage, and asked if I thought I was dealing with it better because I had already had two healthy pregnancies and kids. I really think having had two healthy children does make it easier. I know this miscarriage was not a lacking on my part. I also have not just a husband, but two boys to play and cuddle with. They sure keep my mind off my loss when I'm chasing them around the house. I can feel confident that I will go on to have a healthy baby in my arms after this tragedy.
I have started to come to terms with "why" this happened. I don't really know, but I do know God had a plan. Tony and I agree we were not prepared to raise a child with severe disabilities, and maybe God realized how overwhelmed I would be with two little ones only two years apart. I can't blame anyone, even God, and know if I let myself get angry, it will eat me alive.
I plan to go back to work on Wednesday. I did some research and discovered that ironically, this is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Strange huh! I do want to thank everyone who has helped us with this ordeal. All the friends and family who have called and emailed have been wonderful. We've been given so much food I won't have to cook for a week! We've had great dinners the last few nights from wonderful cooks. So many people have been praying for a fast recovery. It has been good to have everyone close at this time.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
A day of good byes
Today was a busy, sad day. First my parents have left on their first vacation of retirement!!! They are in Montana on their way to Yellowstone. My dad wants to see the first snowfall of Autumn there. I think it will be beautiful and hope they send me lots of pictures from their new i-phone. I think it was very difficult for them to leave me, but I wanted them to enjoy vacation and not postpone it.
My in-laws have packed up and winterized their apartment and are on their way to Tucson. They are stopping at Crater Lake and Las Vegas along the way to visit and sight see. They left this morning, and I think it was also difficult for them to leave us at this time.
This morning we also said good bye to our baby. It was a terrible time, and I know both Tony and I wished dearly for our moms (please don't feel guilty:) but we had each other. It was very rough and even tougher because it felt sort of like our biggest supporters had abandoned us.
As for the details, my doc had given me medicine to take this morning to start dilating my cervix and make it easier for the D & C. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight, so I spent my time in bed this morning, crying and crampy. I was fine when I got in the car, but by the time I got to the hospital (30 min. away) I was having very painful contractions and my entire body was numb. The worst part was my hands were shaking badly and were cramped into "claws" that I couldn't move. I was supposed to register through outpatient services, but when Tony realized I couldn't walk and was in pain, he took me to the ER. I started the registration sitting next to a cute pregnant couple coming in for a full term delivery. Could it get any worse? So after the ER nurse sorted it out that I was there for a procedure, I was taken back to surgery.
While they were getting the paperwork all sorted out my pains got worse quickly. I have never been in such pain, and now realize how wonderful epidurals have been to me. I was given some great drugs to take the edge off the pain, but still was struggling to breath through contractions. I didn't pass out while they drew blood or put in my IV though!! But of course the nurse said that I was probably in too much pain to pass out. The worst part of all was feeling my water break and pressure from the baby moving lower. Just when I didn't think I could go on without screaming from pain and heartache, my meds kicked in and my wonderful anaesthesiologist got me ready for surgery. I remember being wheeled into the OR and the warm fuzzy blankets they covered my arms and neck with. The next thing I remember is a nurse trying to wake me up from a dream about teaching.
I am doing fine, better than yesterday or this morning. I have got the closure I needed. I'm no longer bursting into tears at every thought or pictures of babies which makes it much easier for my husband. I know Tony was worried that this dead baby would become an obsession to me and keep pulling me down into a dark pit of depression, but I feel ready to move on. I have no desire to name this baby or cry for all the "what ifs" for the next week. I'm looking forward to spending time with the boys instead. I've got plans for my time off.
I have more than enough school work to keep my mind and hands busy for tomorrow. Friday I am hoping to feel up to a playdate with the girlfriends. Sometime, maybe this weekend or Monday my brother has offered to dig holes as a birthday present (from him) to plant tulip and daffodil bulbs (b-day present from mom). Since my stomach is now relatively flat and I'm sweating and bleeding out the excess fluids, I'm planning to box up the maternity clothes. I have a good friend who is needing some of them and I think getting them out of the closet and putting my "regular" clothes back will stop negative memories from hitting me as much.
Tony and I weren't told what the sex of the baby is, but somehow are pretty sure that it was a girl. I'm moving on though, and should heal well. This bleeding is just like a period, and even though it's been a while, the routines fall in place. The roughest part will be on Tony. He is taking care of not just me but the boys, dealing with his own grief, and I am under orders for no "relations" for six weeks. Things will certainly be interesting around here as we heal and move on together.
My in-laws have packed up and winterized their apartment and are on their way to Tucson. They are stopping at Crater Lake and Las Vegas along the way to visit and sight see. They left this morning, and I think it was also difficult for them to leave us at this time.
This morning we also said good bye to our baby. It was a terrible time, and I know both Tony and I wished dearly for our moms (please don't feel guilty:) but we had each other. It was very rough and even tougher because it felt sort of like our biggest supporters had abandoned us.
As for the details, my doc had given me medicine to take this morning to start dilating my cervix and make it easier for the D & C. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight, so I spent my time in bed this morning, crying and crampy. I was fine when I got in the car, but by the time I got to the hospital (30 min. away) I was having very painful contractions and my entire body was numb. The worst part was my hands were shaking badly and were cramped into "claws" that I couldn't move. I was supposed to register through outpatient services, but when Tony realized I couldn't walk and was in pain, he took me to the ER. I started the registration sitting next to a cute pregnant couple coming in for a full term delivery. Could it get any worse? So after the ER nurse sorted it out that I was there for a procedure, I was taken back to surgery.
While they were getting the paperwork all sorted out my pains got worse quickly. I have never been in such pain, and now realize how wonderful epidurals have been to me. I was given some great drugs to take the edge off the pain, but still was struggling to breath through contractions. I didn't pass out while they drew blood or put in my IV though!! But of course the nurse said that I was probably in too much pain to pass out. The worst part of all was feeling my water break and pressure from the baby moving lower. Just when I didn't think I could go on without screaming from pain and heartache, my meds kicked in and my wonderful anaesthesiologist got me ready for surgery. I remember being wheeled into the OR and the warm fuzzy blankets they covered my arms and neck with. The next thing I remember is a nurse trying to wake me up from a dream about teaching.
I am doing fine, better than yesterday or this morning. I have got the closure I needed. I'm no longer bursting into tears at every thought or pictures of babies which makes it much easier for my husband. I know Tony was worried that this dead baby would become an obsession to me and keep pulling me down into a dark pit of depression, but I feel ready to move on. I have no desire to name this baby or cry for all the "what ifs" for the next week. I'm looking forward to spending time with the boys instead. I've got plans for my time off.
I have more than enough school work to keep my mind and hands busy for tomorrow. Friday I am hoping to feel up to a playdate with the girlfriends. Sometime, maybe this weekend or Monday my brother has offered to dig holes as a birthday present (from him) to plant tulip and daffodil bulbs (b-day present from mom). Since my stomach is now relatively flat and I'm sweating and bleeding out the excess fluids, I'm planning to box up the maternity clothes. I have a good friend who is needing some of them and I think getting them out of the closet and putting my "regular" clothes back will stop negative memories from hitting me as much.
Tony and I weren't told what the sex of the baby is, but somehow are pretty sure that it was a girl. I'm moving on though, and should heal well. This bleeding is just like a period, and even though it's been a while, the routines fall in place. The roughest part will be on Tony. He is taking care of not just me but the boys, dealing with his own grief, and I am under orders for no "relations" for six weeks. Things will certainly be interesting around here as we heal and move on together.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
12 hours left!
Tomorrow is the day my little baby will be gone. I have only 12 short hours left with it. Even knowing that I’ve carried this dead baby within me for 3 weeks doesn’t make this time go any faster. I’m trying to look and act positive and normal, but it just isn’t working. Everytime my husband leaves my side to deal with the boys, I just wander and burst into tears. Just the thought of even my wonderful doctor, reaching inside me and suctioning my baby out, is unbearable. But the thought of miscarrying at home, and wondering how long it would take for my body to realize this baby is dead, well, I can’t deal with that either.
Tony says our baby is in heaven, and has been there for a while. He said that he had been having paranoia and doubts about this baby, and that it wasn’t just me. It helps to know that I wasn’t just a crazy one, but oh, I wish so bad that I could have just been any other paranoid pregnant lady. I wish that we had seen a healthy active baby on the screen today. Not that I got to see the screen at all. You know something is wrong when the ultrasound tech won’t even turn the screen to you. Tony knew something was wrong and had to stop looking half way through the test.
Part of me is mad that I didn’t demand to see one last look at my baby. Because it is considered a miscarriage, I get nothing by the ultrasound from 10 weeks when I was told that a had only a 3% chance of still losing the baby. I wish I had stopped and really enjoyed the few kicks and flutters I felt. I wish I knew the sex so we could name it and get hand and foot prints. But instead my baby will be jarred up and sent to a lab for testing. IF the tissue growth works, then the lab might be able to tell us what caused the death of our baby and the sex. We may get back a big fat “don’t know” from the lab and forever be questioning this.
Tony is worried about me becoming depressed and sinking so low I can’t get out. I really need to watch myself and seek help before I sink. I know I need to think positively, but what is the world for if I can’t wallow in my grief and misery in the final hours of this pregnancy???? I need to vent!!! I could talk to my family or friends, many of whom have had similar experiences. I could talk to my husband who is wallowing in his own grief and dealing with it in his way. But I need to get it all out. I need to remember everything I can about this baby and the short time I carried it. I need to make this pregnancy important, if only to preserve the memory of a lost child.
I’ve never dealt with grief really before. I’ve lost animals over the years. I’ve dealt with heartache and lost boyfriends. I’ve even lost three great-grandmothers in my lifetime. But most of those things I had some warning or were to be expected. I’ve never grieved like this. My normal way to deal with sadness is to move on, keep my mind and hands busy, and get past it. I know it upsets Tony that I can be like this, it seems as if I didn’t care or worry about it. I know that I will be working through this grief for a while.
All the way home today from the hospital there was a rainbow. It was raining most of the drive, but the sun was shining at just the right angle for the rainbow to appear to me. I know other feel that butterflies are the symbol of lost babies, but today, mine was in the form of a rainbow. I know that God was telling me my little one was with him and not to worry. That is great, but so hard!
If this miscarriage had happened even three weeks ago, I would have been better at dealing with this. I was just starting to get excited about having this baby. I was thinking that I was just paranoid and hoping for a normal ultrasound. I had even gotten a cute baby outfit from students at school. Mentally I was preparing the list of things I would need for this baby, not much though. I was planning ahead to showing off my belly at Christmas and taking time in the spring to be with my little ones.
Now all I have is a crampy belly, a full mind, and exhausted soul. I just hope this recovery goes fast. The doc said it should be over in 7-10 days. Just like a long, heavy period. I just don’t want to deal with all the mess if it goes longer, or what will my boobs do?? Will they just shrink or will they think there is a baby and produce milk? I’ve never had any major surgeries, and worry about how it will go.
I decided I wanted to be knocked out cold for the surgery. I just can’t stand the thought of being awake while my baby is taken from me. Even with medicine to ensure I wouldn’t care, I have a feeling my parenting instinct would over rule it!
So now I need to move on and count my blessings.
1. I realized before the ultrasound that something was wrong, and not completely surprised at the ultrasound.
2. I have had two healthy babies, so my chances for another healthy baby in my future are high.
3. I have wonder family, friends, and colleagues who are supporting me and helping keep me out of the pit.
4. Being a fertile Myrtle, my chances of concieving easily again are high, and I'm thinking spring, like I had planned to before this one.
5. I can now get all the things done that I need to before planning the next one, like pottytraining, toddler bed training, and getting more time before my toddler now grows up on me.
Tony says our baby is in heaven, and has been there for a while. He said that he had been having paranoia and doubts about this baby, and that it wasn’t just me. It helps to know that I wasn’t just a crazy one, but oh, I wish so bad that I could have just been any other paranoid pregnant lady. I wish that we had seen a healthy active baby on the screen today. Not that I got to see the screen at all. You know something is wrong when the ultrasound tech won’t even turn the screen to you. Tony knew something was wrong and had to stop looking half way through the test.
Part of me is mad that I didn’t demand to see one last look at my baby. Because it is considered a miscarriage, I get nothing by the ultrasound from 10 weeks when I was told that a had only a 3% chance of still losing the baby. I wish I had stopped and really enjoyed the few kicks and flutters I felt. I wish I knew the sex so we could name it and get hand and foot prints. But instead my baby will be jarred up and sent to a lab for testing. IF the tissue growth works, then the lab might be able to tell us what caused the death of our baby and the sex. We may get back a big fat “don’t know” from the lab and forever be questioning this.
Tony is worried about me becoming depressed and sinking so low I can’t get out. I really need to watch myself and seek help before I sink. I know I need to think positively, but what is the world for if I can’t wallow in my grief and misery in the final hours of this pregnancy???? I need to vent!!! I could talk to my family or friends, many of whom have had similar experiences. I could talk to my husband who is wallowing in his own grief and dealing with it in his way. But I need to get it all out. I need to remember everything I can about this baby and the short time I carried it. I need to make this pregnancy important, if only to preserve the memory of a lost child.
I’ve never dealt with grief really before. I’ve lost animals over the years. I’ve dealt with heartache and lost boyfriends. I’ve even lost three great-grandmothers in my lifetime. But most of those things I had some warning or were to be expected. I’ve never grieved like this. My normal way to deal with sadness is to move on, keep my mind and hands busy, and get past it. I know it upsets Tony that I can be like this, it seems as if I didn’t care or worry about it. I know that I will be working through this grief for a while.
All the way home today from the hospital there was a rainbow. It was raining most of the drive, but the sun was shining at just the right angle for the rainbow to appear to me. I know other feel that butterflies are the symbol of lost babies, but today, mine was in the form of a rainbow. I know that God was telling me my little one was with him and not to worry. That is great, but so hard!
If this miscarriage had happened even three weeks ago, I would have been better at dealing with this. I was just starting to get excited about having this baby. I was thinking that I was just paranoid and hoping for a normal ultrasound. I had even gotten a cute baby outfit from students at school. Mentally I was preparing the list of things I would need for this baby, not much though. I was planning ahead to showing off my belly at Christmas and taking time in the spring to be with my little ones.
Now all I have is a crampy belly, a full mind, and exhausted soul. I just hope this recovery goes fast. The doc said it should be over in 7-10 days. Just like a long, heavy period. I just don’t want to deal with all the mess if it goes longer, or what will my boobs do?? Will they just shrink or will they think there is a baby and produce milk? I’ve never had any major surgeries, and worry about how it will go.
I decided I wanted to be knocked out cold for the surgery. I just can’t stand the thought of being awake while my baby is taken from me. Even with medicine to ensure I wouldn’t care, I have a feeling my parenting instinct would over rule it!
So now I need to move on and count my blessings.
1. I realized before the ultrasound that something was wrong, and not completely surprised at the ultrasound.
2. I have had two healthy babies, so my chances for another healthy baby in my future are high.
3. I have wonder family, friends, and colleagues who are supporting me and helping keep me out of the pit.
4. Being a fertile Myrtle, my chances of concieving easily again are high, and I'm thinking spring, like I had planned to before this one.
5. I can now get all the things done that I need to before planning the next one, like pottytraining, toddler bed training, and getting more time before my toddler now grows up on me.
The truth hits home
I have realized in the hours since I left the doctors that I can no longer consider myself pregnant. This means I can enjoy awesome drugs tomorrow during surgery, because I am terrified. It also means I can enjoy wine and other beverages too.
The down side, I'll never feel this baby flutter in my belly again. It just tears me up inside to think that I have been feeling things these last few weeks thinking they are kicks, but instead have been just gas. I am no longer pregnant, so must go back to worrying about not gaining weight and birth control. I no longer need maternity clothes and need to put any baby stuff (thankfully not much was pulled out) away. I need to learn to grieve and share my grief with my husband. I need to not blame myself, or the coffee I drank, or the time I was sick, but instead realize that this was a baby with serious problems to die this young. I need to look at my two healthy, beautiful children and think of how blessed I am to be a mommy to them. I need to look to God for support and know my baby is safe in heaven, not be angry with how things turned out and turn from him. I have no idea how I will accomplish all this and stay sane.
I realized today filling out the pharmacy paper work that I couldn't check the box for pregnant any longer. I am going to have a difficult time looking at babies or even talking about them for a while. My dear husband is worried about me falling into a pit of despair, so girlfriends, help pull me out if I start to slide. I am taking at least a week off of work, since I don't need the sick time for maternity leave anymore and my school is being very helpful.
Please understand that I am so sad, that my posts in the future will most likely be depressing and sad as well.
The down side, I'll never feel this baby flutter in my belly again. It just tears me up inside to think that I have been feeling things these last few weeks thinking they are kicks, but instead have been just gas. I am no longer pregnant, so must go back to worrying about not gaining weight and birth control. I no longer need maternity clothes and need to put any baby stuff (thankfully not much was pulled out) away. I need to learn to grieve and share my grief with my husband. I need to not blame myself, or the coffee I drank, or the time I was sick, but instead realize that this was a baby with serious problems to die this young. I need to look at my two healthy, beautiful children and think of how blessed I am to be a mommy to them. I need to look to God for support and know my baby is safe in heaven, not be angry with how things turned out and turn from him. I have no idea how I will accomplish all this and stay sane.
I realized today filling out the pharmacy paper work that I couldn't check the box for pregnant any longer. I am going to have a difficult time looking at babies or even talking about them for a while. My dear husband is worried about me falling into a pit of despair, so girlfriends, help pull me out if I start to slide. I am taking at least a week off of work, since I don't need the sick time for maternity leave anymore and my school is being very helpful.
Please understand that I am so sad, that my posts in the future will most likely be depressing and sad as well.
Not paranoid after all
This is probably the most difficult post to write. You may have noticed the cute baby ticker at the top is gone and the change of color. I'll start at the beginning.
This morning I woke up after a dream of going to my scheduled ultrasound tomorrow and seeing no heartbeat and woke up crying. Later I experienced some bleeding. After a quick call to the doctor and my husband, I went to the hospital for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed my worst fears were true. My baby showed no heartbeat or movement. The doctor said it looked as if the baby died shortly after my last appointment, and was 15 weeks of age. I have decided to have a D & C simply because Tony and I can't deal with the mess of a miscarriage at home. Hopefully chromosomal testing will give us some answers or at least the sex of the baby. I need to give it a name. I am feeling many things right now, but ask from friends and family, pray. Pray for a quick surgery, speedy recovery, and mental healing for me and for my family. Please don't call, I'll let you know when I want to talk. Thank you
This morning I woke up after a dream of going to my scheduled ultrasound tomorrow and seeing no heartbeat and woke up crying. Later I experienced some bleeding. After a quick call to the doctor and my husband, I went to the hospital for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed my worst fears were true. My baby showed no heartbeat or movement. The doctor said it looked as if the baby died shortly after my last appointment, and was 15 weeks of age. I have decided to have a D & C simply because Tony and I can't deal with the mess of a miscarriage at home. Hopefully chromosomal testing will give us some answers or at least the sex of the baby. I need to give it a name. I am feeling many things right now, but ask from friends and family, pray. Pray for a quick surgery, speedy recovery, and mental healing for me and for my family. Please don't call, I'll let you know when I want to talk. Thank you
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Why the internet is bad for paranoid mama
This entire pregnancy I've been waiting for something bad to happen. Not that anything has, I'm just constantly worried about everything; eating too much/little, getting enough sleep, feeling the baby move enough, etc... My last pregnancies I could sit back and relax and live for the moment I felt those flutters and be thankful for each one. Maybe it's just because this is in my mind my last baby, or I'm just being crazy, but instead of relaxing and enjoying the moments, I'm worrying. It's even keeping me up at night and I'm sure it's not great for my blood pressure. So I start trying to research what I should be feeling and doing on the Internet. There are so many websites devoted to pregnancy, but even more sites and blogs are devoted to lost babies. I resisted what I could, but wound up looking at some of those blogs. Not only did it freak me out about just getting to 40 weeks, but now I'm worrying about labor and delivery! Those of you who heard about my last one, you know the only thing I need to worry about is getting to the hospital in time! If I survive this pregnancy, I sure hope all this stress and worrying goes away, because I can't be stressed out with a newborn. I've never been a really worrying mom, but I can't continue stressing out about all the "what ifs" after I have this kid.
Our ultrasound is Wednesday afternoon and hopefully all will be healthy so that might help quell these thoughts I'm stressing over. We hope for a peak at if it is a boy or a girl this time too! Knowing my luck, the baby will be stubborn, just like its dad though.
Our ultrasound is Wednesday afternoon and hopefully all will be healthy so that might help quell these thoughts I'm stressing over. We hope for a peak at if it is a boy or a girl this time too! Knowing my luck, the baby will be stubborn, just like its dad though.
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