12 hours left!

Tomorrow is the day my little baby will be gone. I have only 12 short hours left with it. Even knowing that I’ve carried this dead baby within me for 3 weeks doesn’t make this time go any faster. I’m trying to look and act positive and normal, but it just isn’t working. Everytime my husband leaves my side to deal with the boys, I just wander and burst into tears. Just the thought of even my wonderful doctor, reaching inside me and suctioning my baby out, is unbearable. But the thought of miscarrying at home, and wondering how long it would take for my body to realize this baby is dead, well, I can’t deal with that either.

Tony says our baby is in heaven, and has been there for a while. He said that he had been having paranoia and doubts about this baby, and that it wasn’t just me. It helps to know that I wasn’t just a crazy one, but oh, I wish so bad that I could have just been any other paranoid pregnant lady. I wish that we had seen a healthy active baby on the screen today. Not that I got to see the screen at all. You know something is wrong when the ultrasound tech won’t even turn the screen to you. Tony knew something was wrong and had to stop looking half way through the test.

Part of me is mad that I didn’t demand to see one last look at my baby. Because it is considered a miscarriage, I get nothing by the ultrasound from 10 weeks when I was told that a had only a 3% chance of still losing the baby. I wish I had stopped and really enjoyed the few kicks and flutters I felt. I wish I knew the sex so we could name it and get hand and foot prints. But instead my baby will be jarred up and sent to a lab for testing. IF the tissue growth works, then the lab might be able to tell us what caused the death of our baby and the sex. We may get back a big fat “don’t know” from the lab and forever be questioning this.

Tony is worried about me becoming depressed and sinking so low I can’t get out. I really need to watch myself and seek help before I sink. I know I need to think positively, but what is the world for if I can’t wallow in my grief and misery in the final hours of this pregnancy???? I need to vent!!! I could talk to my family or friends, many of whom have had similar experiences. I could talk to my husband who is wallowing in his own grief and dealing with it in his way. But I need to get it all out. I need to remember everything I can about this baby and the short time I carried it. I need to make this pregnancy important, if only to preserve the memory of a lost child.

I’ve never dealt with grief really before. I’ve lost animals over the years. I’ve dealt with heartache and lost boyfriends. I’ve even lost three great-grandmothers in my lifetime. But most of those things I had some warning or were to be expected. I’ve never grieved like this. My normal way to deal with sadness is to move on, keep my mind and hands busy, and get past it. I know it upsets Tony that I can be like this, it seems as if I didn’t care or worry about it. I know that I will be working through this grief for a while.

All the way home today from the hospital there was a rainbow. It was raining most of the drive, but the sun was shining at just the right angle for the rainbow to appear to me. I know other feel that butterflies are the symbol of lost babies, but today, mine was in the form of a rainbow. I know that God was telling me my little one was with him and not to worry. That is great, but so hard!

If this miscarriage had happened even three weeks ago, I would have been better at dealing with this. I was just starting to get excited about having this baby. I was thinking that I was just paranoid and hoping for a normal ultrasound. I had even gotten a cute baby outfit from students at school. Mentally I was preparing the list of things I would need for this baby, not much though. I was planning ahead to showing off my belly at Christmas and taking time in the spring to be with my little ones.

Now all I have is a crampy belly, a full mind, and exhausted soul. I just hope this recovery goes fast. The doc said it should be over in 7-10 days. Just like a long, heavy period. I just don’t want to deal with all the mess if it goes longer, or what will my boobs do?? Will they just shrink or will they think there is a baby and produce milk? I’ve never had any major surgeries, and worry about how it will go.

I decided I wanted to be knocked out cold for the surgery. I just can’t stand the thought of being awake while my baby is taken from me. Even with medicine to ensure I wouldn’t care, I have a feeling my parenting instinct would over rule it!

So now I need to move on and count my blessings.
1. I realized before the ultrasound that something was wrong, and not completely surprised at the ultrasound.
2. I have had two healthy babies, so my chances for another healthy baby in my future are high.
3. I have wonder family, friends, and colleagues who are supporting me and helping keep me out of the pit.
4. Being a fertile Myrtle, my chances of concieving easily again are high, and I'm thinking spring, like I had planned to before this one.
5. I can now get all the things done that I need to before planning the next one, like pottytraining, toddler bed training, and getting more time before my toddler now grows up on me.