The truth hits home

I have realized in the hours since I left the doctors that I can no longer consider myself pregnant. This means I can enjoy awesome drugs tomorrow during surgery, because I am terrified. It also means I can enjoy wine and other beverages too.

The down side, I'll never feel this baby flutter in my belly again. It just tears me up inside to think that I have been feeling things these last few weeks thinking they are kicks, but instead have been just gas. I am no longer pregnant, so must go back to worrying about not gaining weight and birth control. I no longer need maternity clothes and need to put any baby stuff (thankfully not much was pulled out) away. I need to learn to grieve and share my grief with my husband. I need to not blame myself, or the coffee I drank, or the time I was sick, but instead realize that this was a baby with serious problems to die this young. I need to look at my two healthy, beautiful children and think of how blessed I am to be a mommy to them. I need to look to God for support and know my baby is safe in heaven, not be angry with how things turned out and turn from him. I have no idea how I will accomplish all this and stay sane.

I realized today filling out the pharmacy paper work that I couldn't check the box for pregnant any longer. I am going to have a difficult time looking at babies or even talking about them for a while. My dear husband is worried about me falling into a pit of despair, so girlfriends, help pull me out if I start to slide. I am taking at least a week off of work, since I don't need the sick time for maternity leave anymore and my school is being very helpful.

Please understand that I am so sad, that my posts in the future will most likely be depressing and sad as well.