Starting to move on

Today was much better than yesterday. My pain is gone and bleeding is almost stopped. Physically I'm doing fine. Mentally, I'm starting to move on. I stayed busy today, maybe a little too busy. I got school work done, kitchen cleaned, laundry done. Anything to keep busy. I did get a headache this afternoon though. I even got a shower. Getting out of the shower and going to the closet was bad though. I'll be doing fine and then one small thing will set off the tears and emotions. The closet with all the maternity clothes did it for me. I was quickly motivated to pack up all those. Thank goodness I fit back into my regular clothes. I'm not the same dementions, but they fit. Some clothes were boxed up to share with a friend, others put away for next time. I also put the ultrasound pictures and the pregnancy test in a box to pull out later.

Today was the first time Tony and I have mentioned "next time". I know my husband is pleased with only having two healthy kids and scared to try again. He doesn't want to go through this again. I feel a need to have another. I've always wanted a bigger family so I really want another. Tony knows this and we each respect each other's opinions. If we try again it probably won't be until this spring. We need some time to work through our grief with this.

Tomorrow I am on my own with the boys. I've got a playdate planned for the morning and plan to rest in the afternoon. Maybe I'll go visit my aunt and her kids since the have the day off school as well. It'll be great to get out of the house and see other people.

It is strange how I don't want to share my experience with some people, but yet can open up and share it with others. One friend kept asking all these questions and wanted to know all the details, but yet never has lost a baby. I just wanted to tell her to read my blog and leave me alone, but she was bringing a dinner and didn't want to tick her off. Another friend has lost two babies at 16 and 20 weeks so she was great to talk to and share experiences. I could open up and share every gory detail with her, and she doesn't know my blog address even. It is just strange. It is strange how unwilling to share some of this I was though.

Talking with one of my girlfriends, she was surprised how much I had shared and written about this miscarriage. I just need to get it all out in writing. My husband is great, but doesn't want to continually talk and rehash my feelings. He is dealing with his own grief, so writing all this out is my therapy, my venting and help. The same girlfriend had lost her first baby to miscarriage, and asked if I thought I was dealing with it better because I had already had two healthy pregnancies and kids. I really think having had two healthy children does make it easier. I know this miscarriage was not a lacking on my part. I also have not just a husband, but two boys to play and cuddle with. They sure keep my mind off my loss when I'm chasing them around the house. I can feel confident that I will go on to have a healthy baby in my arms after this tragedy.

I have started to come to terms with "why" this happened. I don't really know, but I do know God had a plan. Tony and I agree we were not prepared to raise a child with severe disabilities, and maybe God realized how overwhelmed I would be with two little ones only two years apart. I can't blame anyone, even God, and know if I let myself get angry, it will eat me alive.

I plan to go back to work on Wednesday. I did some research and discovered that ironically, this is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Strange huh! I do want to thank everyone who has helped us with this ordeal. All the friends and family who have called and emailed have been wonderful. We've been given so much food I won't have to cook for a week! We've had great dinners the last few nights from wonderful cooks. So many people have been praying for a fast recovery. It has been good to have everyone close at this time.