Hitting a wall and a pity party for one

Here I sit, all alone tonight, wondering what on earth the psycho hormone fairy hit me with today. I've had normal PMS type symptoms today, but the tears also won't stop. Tony and I were able to go shopping for gifts and enjoy a dinner out tonight, but on the way to the mall I start tearing up over some stupid Christmas song. Not that I hadn't heard it before, and it wasn't even specifically about pregnancy or new baby like some songs are. I managed to keep it together and don't even know if Tony noticed I was crying.
I was fine through the mall and the pregnant waitress at the restaurant. But when we went to Target, it was rough. Seeing all the new baby stuff, even though I avoided that area, and passing the maternity clothes, it all made me think back two years to the same night of shopping (it's becoming a yearly thing) but being 7 months pregnant with Carson. I remembered cooing and looking at all the baby stuff and debating with Tony about if it was a boy or a girl. Toys "R" us was just as bad.

Then standing there in the checkout line I was looking at one of those tabloid magazines and saw that the country singer Brad Paisley and his wife are expecting again in April. I point it out to Tony and he says that she was pregnant on the country music awards show and I should know that. It is a celebrity for goodness sake, but I'm upset by it. I was pregnant the same time the couple was last time, and was expecting this, but not ready for my reaction. Why am I so stupid about these things???

Thinking back, Thanksgiving was nice and simple this year. Sadly, while I'm appreciative of the many blessings I have, I'm not as thankful as I know I should be this year. I keep thinking back to when I first discovered I was pregnant and how I was wishing the timing were different and how could it have happened. I think back to how happy I was that I would have more time to potty train Carson and he would have more time in his crib. I know that my baby was really messed up and is probably better off being an angel now instead of having a short time here, but I can't be thankful that I'm not pregnant now, when I would be so thankful if I were 6 months pregnant. I had just started looking forward and really wanting to bond with this baby, and then it was gone.

And so I sit at home, with my husband gone to a party and my kids at their grandma's for the night, wishing I had some wine or tasty drink so I could blunk (drunk blogging) my feelings out instead of feeling this hole inside of me. If Thanksgiving was this bad, what will Christmas be like? And there's church to face in the morning.