When people learned of my miscarriage, the phrase most said in sympathy was, "It was meant to be." I've thought about what that phrase means for a year. Does it mean that it is better that my baby died than be born, or does it mean that God wanted my baby to die?
A question was asked on the pregnancy loss boards that made me think. What series of events did my miscarriage put into play for the better. Some ladies said they were able to get jobs with better insurance or benifits so when they do have a baby, they will be better able to care for it. Others shared that their faith has grown stronger.
This entire last year my dream of getting pregnant again is what kept me going and wading through my grief of losing Taylor. Now that dream is gone, my hope is gone, and lots of my faith is gone. I could say that I appreciate the children I have and my wonderful husband, but in many ways, my life is very much the same as it was a year ago.
In some ways I think I am worse than last year. Pregnant women and babies such a strong sadness in me that I will go to extreme lengths to avoid any contact with them. So many of my friends are pregnant or have babies I have very little communication with any of them. Instead of praying for healing and a new pregnancy, I've lost all hope and faith. I no longer think about when I'll get pregnant, but instead wonder in a sad way if I'll ever have the joy of being pregnant again.
Some days I feel like I'm lost at sea, and that everyone who was with me has been rescued. Their prayers have been answered, but mine haven't. I'm still floundering, trying just to keep my head above water some days wondering if it will ever end. I feel like I'm screaming and crying for help but there are no help coming. The only answers I get are from those women lost in the same water; some there longer than me and weakened more by infertility. Does anyone hear me? Do they not know how to help, or are they tired of hearing about my grief?
So many people have told me to pray, or have faith, or just trust that God has a plan, and I've been trying so much to keep that, but knowing now that I won't be pregnant and able to share the experience with my close friends, that I won't have a baby for at least another year, has destroyed the hope and faith that I had in my body and in God's plan. Other people told me to accept the blessings I've got (my boys) and be happy with that. I once was talking with a friend about how much I wanted to be pregnant and another baby. She said that maybe I couldn't have anymore children. When the conversation happened last spring, I told her that of course I would get pregnant! I ALWAYS got pregnant easy. Now I'm realizing how much she was right. The chances of me getting pregnant again are getting slimmer with every failed cycle I have. I have to be happy with what I've got, and stop wishing for unfulfilled dreams.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Remembering my baby
Today is a day for remembering. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Candles are lit around the world at 7:00 pm and burn for an hour (or longer) to create a wave of light shining around the world.
I remember this day last year, still overwhelmed with my grief. It was my first day back at work after my miscarriage. I lit a candle last year for Taylor and all the other babies lost.
This year I've lit two candles, one for Taylor, and one for all the babies of friends and family who have lost ones. I'm still dealing with my grief and have the additional frustrations of infertility added. I am taking just a few minutes think about all I lost one day a year ago.
And for all my fellow bloggers from whom I've taken these images, please don't be mad, they are truely incredible pictures.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
My Dear Friends
Since I've been planning to stop trying for a baby, I've been a bad friend. I've been distancing myself from everything pregnancy and baby related, which includes some close friends who are pregnant. I've pretty much stopped all communication with them. I don't read their blogs, talk to them or see them. A few emails and notes have been all these last few months. I know my family is worried that I'm breaking some special friendships, and I don't have an abundance of friends. I HAD to do this though. I've got some nasty bitterness inside me, since I'm not getting pregnant, and I didn't want to say or do something that would destroy a friendship.
Thankfully, those three dear friends, who are all due in the next 6 months, are understanding where I'm at right now. I've gotten letters and notes from them saying they understand why I can't share their pregnancy joys right now. It is so very reassuring that these are truely wonderful friends to have and I'm sure I will be friends with them again, just not right now. So, you know who you are, but THANK YOU. It means so much to me that you are helping me get through this. :)
Thankfully, those three dear friends, who are all due in the next 6 months, are understanding where I'm at right now. I've gotten letters and notes from them saying they understand why I can't share their pregnancy joys right now. It is so very reassuring that these are truely wonderful friends to have and I'm sure I will be friends with them again, just not right now. So, you know who you are, but THANK YOU. It means so much to me that you are helping me get through this. :)
When Hope and Prayer Aren't Working...
...you give up. I know I've talked about it before, but I am giving up on getting pregnant. The stress of trying to get pregnant is causing too much stress in my marriage and consumes too much of my time. I've spent the last four weeks (since my last period) accepting that a 2010 baby is not going to happen for me. It is a decision I've been facing since we started trying last spring. Now that I'm experiencing secondary, unexplained infertility and my doctor thinks fertility drugs are the answer, I am instead stepping back from the stress and medication. I hate taking even minor pain meds, so I am very cautious to jump on idea of fertility treatments. Part of me thinks that if all my prayers and the prayers of friends and family haven't helped me out, drugs certainly won't.
All of you praying for me, you can pray for me to be able to put this dream aside and find happiness in the children I have. We may try to get pregnant, later next spring, but for right now, we are preventing getting pregnant again (not that my body needs any help with that).
All of you praying for me, you can pray for me to be able to put this dream aside and find happiness in the children I have. We may try to get pregnant, later next spring, but for right now, we are preventing getting pregnant again (not that my body needs any help with that).
Monday, October 12, 2009
Joys of sleep
I haven't slept in a year and a half. Seriously, I haven't REALLY slept in that long. I would either sleep during the day and be up at night, go to sleep quick and wake up all the time, or the worst; wake up at 3 am crying and not get back to sleep with my brain too full. It wasn't my miscarriage that caused it because I wasn't sleeping when I was pregnant (and got bad nausea). Something just wouldn't let me enjoy a good night's sleep.
The last two weeks have been a joy. Ever since I came back from CISPUS, I've been sleeping! It's not just dozing, but really dreaming, sleep walking, barely hear my alarm SLEEP! I am so excited! I don't know what it is (weather, daylight, less stress, weight loss?) . I just know I like it! Now if only I could not feel groggy and stop reaching for the coffee!
The last two weeks have been a joy. Ever since I came back from CISPUS, I've been sleeping! It's not just dozing, but really dreaming, sleep walking, barely hear my alarm SLEEP! I am so excited! I don't know what it is (weather, daylight, less stress, weight loss?) . I just know I like it! Now if only I could not feel groggy and stop reaching for the coffee!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The worst day of my life
One year ago today, at almost 19 weeks pregnant, I got the worst news I'd ever had: my baby had died four weeks before. I've been remembering all the "What was I doing a year ago" memories since June. Since an "oops" turned into an unplanned pregnancy, then into a much wanted baby. My fears of a miscarriage (almost everyone I know in my family has had one) to my joy of seeing a heartbeat at 11 weeks, to spotting and my world came crashing down around me.
I'd had fears of miscarrying Taylor since I first looked at the pregnancy test. Almost everyone in my family has had a miscarriage of one kind or another. I remember praying every night for God to let my baby be healthy, and every visit to the doctor it was. 12 weeks is the "magic" number when most women think they are past the "miscarriage point". Supposedly the risks of a miscarriage are only 5% after seeing a healthy heartbeat and making past 12 weeks. I was one of that 5%. I'd read blogs about miscarriage and remember thinking something just wasn't right. I'd been feeling sick for most of September last year, but I chalked it up to a busy start of school and the stress of being outdoor school coordinator. I even remember standing around for an emergency drill at school and thinking my baby was sitting really low and feeling like I was close to going into labor, then talking myself out of it and mad for thinking those thoughts. How scary to think that I was right.
On September 10, 2008 I had a normal healthy baby check up and heard a strong heartbeat. Just three days later my baby would stop growing and it's heart would stop. On October 5th, my birthday, I would start spotting. Not enough to worry a nurse or doctor, but enough to worry me. Two days later the spotting turned to red and a call to the OB nurse forced me to accept reality. "Have you been feeling regular fetal movement?" she had asked. Well of course I'd been feeling regular movement, the baby had been kicking me for the past few weeks hadn't it! I told her "I think I've been feeling it." and I started sobbing, doubting every time I had thought I felt movement.
I was supposed to have my "big" ultrasound, the one when I find out the sex of the baby. Tony and I had always wanted to be surprised, but with Taylor, we wanted to know. Instead of finding out the sex, we found out our baby had died. There was no heartbeat on the screen. You know things are bad when the ultrasound tech doesn't tell you anything, just keeps frantically taking measurements then sends you back to talk to your doc. Tony had been watching the screen for any sign of movement or life, and got to see our baby for the last time. I only wish I had been able to see it too. We opted to have a D&C the following day.
The following day both mine and Tony's parents left on vacation and I had surgery. It was awful. I fit into my normal clothes the next day and gave my maternity clothes to a friend who was expecting.
My grief for my dead baby has consumed me at times during this last year. Friends and family have been very supportive, but I will always grieve for my baby. I've battled the anger, sadness, and grief through friends pregnancies, unwanted advice, and now, my own infertility battles. Our loss has made my marriage stronger, and the stress of trying for another has almost destroyed it.
If you had asked me the day after my surgery what I would be doing a year from then, I would have told you I'd be hugely pregnant and happy. Here I sit, 365 days later, with an empty uterus and unknown infertility, an empty room filled with baby stuff, with everyone else around me blissfully pregnant. I can't see friends I used to see all the time, I can barely go to church with everyone pregnant or with new babies. Even watching movies is difficult. I rarely sleep through an entire night, and a year later, crying is still a daily activity. This blog has even evolved from a place to post my family pictures, to a place for me to get all my frustrations and grief out, a place to really share how I feel, and a few comments from its readers.
I have plenty of regrets, but would never wish I hadn't been pregnant. I wish I had seen that sad and final ultrasound. Most of all, I wish I was writing about my 7 month old baby's new skills and not my dead baby.
*Re-reading all my old posts from a year ago (to do the hyperlinks) has shown me just how happy I was before my miscarriage and how much my life has changed in just one year.
I'd had fears of miscarrying Taylor since I first looked at the pregnancy test. Almost everyone in my family has had a miscarriage of one kind or another. I remember praying every night for God to let my baby be healthy, and every visit to the doctor it was. 12 weeks is the "magic" number when most women think they are past the "miscarriage point". Supposedly the risks of a miscarriage are only 5% after seeing a healthy heartbeat and making past 12 weeks. I was one of that 5%. I'd read blogs about miscarriage and remember thinking something just wasn't right. I'd been feeling sick for most of September last year, but I chalked it up to a busy start of school and the stress of being outdoor school coordinator. I even remember standing around for an emergency drill at school and thinking my baby was sitting really low and feeling like I was close to going into labor, then talking myself out of it and mad for thinking those thoughts. How scary to think that I was right.
On September 10, 2008 I had a normal healthy baby check up and heard a strong heartbeat. Just three days later my baby would stop growing and it's heart would stop. On October 5th, my birthday, I would start spotting. Not enough to worry a nurse or doctor, but enough to worry me. Two days later the spotting turned to red and a call to the OB nurse forced me to accept reality. "Have you been feeling regular fetal movement?" she had asked. Well of course I'd been feeling regular movement, the baby had been kicking me for the past few weeks hadn't it! I told her "I think I've been feeling it." and I started sobbing, doubting every time I had thought I felt movement.
I was supposed to have my "big" ultrasound, the one when I find out the sex of the baby. Tony and I had always wanted to be surprised, but with Taylor, we wanted to know. Instead of finding out the sex, we found out our baby had died. There was no heartbeat on the screen. You know things are bad when the ultrasound tech doesn't tell you anything, just keeps frantically taking measurements then sends you back to talk to your doc. Tony had been watching the screen for any sign of movement or life, and got to see our baby for the last time. I only wish I had been able to see it too. We opted to have a D&C the following day.
The following day both mine and Tony's parents left on vacation and I had surgery. It was awful. I fit into my normal clothes the next day and gave my maternity clothes to a friend who was expecting.
My grief for my dead baby has consumed me at times during this last year. Friends and family have been very supportive, but I will always grieve for my baby. I've battled the anger, sadness, and grief through friends pregnancies, unwanted advice, and now, my own infertility battles. Our loss has made my marriage stronger, and the stress of trying for another has almost destroyed it.
If you had asked me the day after my surgery what I would be doing a year from then, I would have told you I'd be hugely pregnant and happy. Here I sit, 365 days later, with an empty uterus and unknown infertility, an empty room filled with baby stuff, with everyone else around me blissfully pregnant. I can't see friends I used to see all the time, I can barely go to church with everyone pregnant or with new babies. Even watching movies is difficult. I rarely sleep through an entire night, and a year later, crying is still a daily activity. This blog has even evolved from a place to post my family pictures, to a place for me to get all my frustrations and grief out, a place to really share how I feel, and a few comments from its readers.
I have plenty of regrets, but would never wish I hadn't been pregnant. I wish I had seen that sad and final ultrasound. Most of all, I wish I was writing about my 7 month old baby's new skills and not my dead baby.
*Re-reading all my old posts from a year ago (to do the hyperlinks) has shown me just how happy I was before my miscarriage and how much my life has changed in just one year.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Ever again?
This week marks the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. Each day reminds me of what I was doing one year ago. Last year at this time I was 18 weeks pregnant and recieved a necklace
like this one for my birthday. I was thrilled to recieve it because I had admired them and always wanted one. I was able to enjoy it for three days. I wore it to church and to school two days, all three days I was having light spotting. I haven't worn it since then. I just can't.
The necklace is tucked in it's original box, in the bottom drawer of my jewelry box, waiting, just waiting for the time when I have three live children and can wear it. I just didn't think it would still be tucked away one year after my loss.
I'm just hoping I can make it through this week with my birthday and all the sad memories that surround it. I'm already an emotional crying wreck, and I'm sure it's only going to get worse as the days go on. Part of me would like to disappear for the week, or completely turn off all thoughts about what happened a year ago. I could do that, but I also feel that if there is anytime to open up my heart and mind to all the sad memories, and REALLY remember my baby in the right way, being sad and crying only reminds me how much I cared about Taylor.
like this one for my birthday. I was thrilled to recieve it because I had admired them and always wanted one. I was able to enjoy it for three days. I wore it to church and to school two days, all three days I was having light spotting. I haven't worn it since then. I just can't.The necklace is tucked in it's original box, in the bottom drawer of my jewelry box, waiting, just waiting for the time when I have three live children and can wear it. I just didn't think it would still be tucked away one year after my loss.
I'm just hoping I can make it through this week with my birthday and all the sad memories that surround it. I'm already an emotional crying wreck, and I'm sure it's only going to get worse as the days go on. Part of me would like to disappear for the week, or completely turn off all thoughts about what happened a year ago. I could do that, but I also feel that if there is anytime to open up my heart and mind to all the sad memories, and REALLY remember my baby in the right way, being sad and crying only reminds me how much I cared about Taylor.
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