My grandmother and aunt sent me a beautiful "loving family" necklace. I've put the necklace away safe until we have a healthy baby. My parents got me flower bulbs and my brother is going to put in the labor to help me plant them all. My husband, and in-laws put money towards a dinner of my choice. When my parents get back Tony and I are going to enjoy a nice dinner out at the Melting Pot. I want to enjoy every second of my long dinner, and now can enjoy some excellent drinks too. It is strange that as you get older, the things you want the most are not things themselves, but time with loved ones.This last week has been horrible, but I am healing now. It is strange how much you life can change in a week. Last Sunday was the day the spotting started. I thought all would be fine and was looking forward to my ultrasound Wednesday. Now I'm trying to heal my body and mind and get back to life as usual.
Even my body is recovering from surgery still. Check out the bruise from my IV!! I was shaking so bad from pain when they put it in that it's a huge bruise. I went to my chiropractor today and he worked my back and neck over for 20 minutes. I sure feel better after being adjusted though. He said that my body is really only running at 50% efficiency right now because of the stress load I'm carrying. He gave me some good relaxing exercises to help me sleep at night and I go in again tomorrow to check for improvement.
Mentally I'm dealing better. I've made a little memory box with all of the baby's memories and sympathy cards in it. I plan to pull it out an look it over when I'm sad and needing to remember this. The flowers from my school staff are beautiful and were a wonderful gift from them.
Small things continue to set off the tears, but small things are healing my heart. The best things I've received are the hugs and kisses from my boys, even the sloppy ones, the happy giggle of my kids when I'm playing with them, and the hugs and cuddles from my husband.Yesterday I chickened out of going to church. I figured it would be too difficult for me to be there and so Tony took the boys. It was difficult for him to be there. Most of the couples there our age have kids close to our boy's ages and many of them are pregnant now. One couple even had their new baby boy (born on the 8th, the day of my surgery) there and were showing him off. I'll need to be at church next week because I'm working in the toddler nursery. I think I'll be alright in there if I can just avoid the many pregnant bellies. At least I won't need to meet and greet everyone who knew and saw me pregnant with my now flat belly and answer all those questions. I'm just not ready for it yet.
People keep trying to tell me not to blame myself and that these things "just happen". I'm not angry at myself or anyone, not even God. What does get me angry though is my friends and acquaintances who are pregnant. It sounds so mean to be angry at them, I should, and am in a way happy for them. But I can't help but be mad that they get to keep their babies while mine is gone forever! It just seems so unfair. I can't explain my anger away, so I just try to avoid those pregnant people.
I'm seeing one girlfriend tomorrow though. I'm loaning her all my maternity clothes. I'm mad but yet so happy for her. She's surprised to be pregnant with #4, but has suffered three losses in between having her boys. All is going well so far with this baby, but I'm sure she is still scared. She has been a great source of comfort this last week, even being pregnant, she has known what to say and do to help me. She's been there and experienced it.
Thinking back to all the times someone I know has lost a baby, I've never been intentionally insensitive, but I know my comments didn't help those people. You can't know the right things to say or do unless you've gone through it yourself. Even those people who have experienced miscarriages, still say things that make it worse for me, not helping me. It's one of those things that bonds people together in ways strange and unknown to most people.
Tomorrow is my last day off. I'm determined to be back at work on Wednesday. I need to be there. Time is passing, progress reports are due soon, and my pet project for this year is needing my attention. So if I seem distracted or short on details this week in posts, It's because I'm keeping busy and my mind is working overtime on other things. It just might be what I need to get past some of this last week.
1 comment:
Babe, I totally hear you about the anger. Anger and Envy were my two biggest challenges after a loss. It's totally tough. I just gave myself permission to be angry and avoid as much as I needed. So you have my total permission to stay away from bellies right now. And don't feel the need to be polite and ask questions....you can do that later.Sounds like you are doing lots of good things to take care of yourself and not hiding from all the emotions involved when a baby dies. It's hard and scary, so good for you.
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