A day of good byes

Today was a busy, sad day. First my parents have left on their first vacation of retirement!!! They are in Montana on their way to Yellowstone. My dad wants to see the first snowfall of Autumn there. I think it will be beautiful and hope they send me lots of pictures from their new i-phone. I think it was very difficult for them to leave me, but I wanted them to enjoy vacation and not postpone it.

My in-laws have packed up and winterized their apartment and are on their way to Tucson. They are stopping at Crater Lake and Las Vegas along the way to visit and sight see. They left this morning, and I think it was also difficult for them to leave us at this time.

This morning we also said good bye to our baby. It was a terrible time, and I know both Tony and I wished dearly for our moms (please don't feel guilty:) but we had each other. It was very rough and even tougher because it felt sort of like our biggest supporters had abandoned us.

As for the details, my doc had given me medicine to take this morning to start dilating my cervix and make it easier for the D & C. I wasn't allowed to eat anything after midnight, so I spent my time in bed this morning, crying and crampy. I was fine when I got in the car, but by the time I got to the hospital (30 min. away) I was having very painful contractions and my entire body was numb. The worst part was my hands were shaking badly and were cramped into "claws" that I couldn't move. I was supposed to register through outpatient services, but when Tony realized I couldn't walk and was in pain, he took me to the ER. I started the registration sitting next to a cute pregnant couple coming in for a full term delivery. Could it get any worse? So after the ER nurse sorted it out that I was there for a procedure, I was taken back to surgery.

While they were getting the paperwork all sorted out my pains got worse quickly. I have never been in such pain, and now realize how wonderful epidurals have been to me. I was given some great drugs to take the edge off the pain, but still was struggling to breath through contractions. I didn't pass out while they drew blood or put in my IV though!! But of course the nurse said that I was probably in too much pain to pass out. The worst part of all was feeling my water break and pressure from the baby moving lower. Just when I didn't think I could go on without screaming from pain and heartache, my meds kicked in and my wonderful anaesthesiologist got me ready for surgery. I remember being wheeled into the OR and the warm fuzzy blankets they covered my arms and neck with. The next thing I remember is a nurse trying to wake me up from a dream about teaching.

I am doing fine, better than yesterday or this morning. I have got the closure I needed. I'm no longer bursting into tears at every thought or pictures of babies which makes it much easier for my husband. I know Tony was worried that this dead baby would become an obsession to me and keep pulling me down into a dark pit of depression, but I feel ready to move on. I have no desire to name this baby or cry for all the "what ifs" for the next week. I'm looking forward to spending time with the boys instead. I've got plans for my time off.

I have more than enough school work to keep my mind and hands busy for tomorrow. Friday I am hoping to feel up to a playdate with the girlfriends. Sometime, maybe this weekend or Monday my brother has offered to dig holes as a birthday present (from him) to plant tulip and daffodil bulbs (b-day present from mom). Since my stomach is now relatively flat and I'm sweating and bleeding out the excess fluids, I'm planning to box up the maternity clothes. I have a good friend who is needing some of them and I think getting them out of the closet and putting my "regular" clothes back will stop negative memories from hitting me as much.

Tony and I weren't told what the sex of the baby is, but somehow are pretty sure that it was a girl. I'm moving on though, and should heal well. This bleeding is just like a period, and even though it's been a while, the routines fall in place. The roughest part will be on Tony. He is taking care of not just me but the boys, dealing with his own grief, and I am under orders for no "relations" for six weeks. Things will certainly be interesting around here as we heal and move on together.