Add "I don't know why..." to all the following:
.... why I can't stop crying, even after two hours!
....why I can go a week without crying, and then break down just as I'm falling asleep. It's the answer I give to my husband who wants to help and make it all better, but nothing will fix how I feel right now.
....my toddler still isn't sleeping more than an hour at a time even doped up on Ibuprofen for his teeth! I need sleep kid!
.... today was the day all pregnant people were where I was. The McDonald's cashier, the parents at my school's Fall Festival, even the people on TV were all pregnant! Why now, why today!?! I should still be that pregnant today! I should be feeling uncomfortable with the kicks and heartburn and not sleeping on my stomach!!
....I want to smash and break things in anger!! Angry at who I wonder, not myself or God. Pregnant people??? Why do I feel this mad???
.... it took me two hours of crying and trying to stop to finally admit defeat and take some sleeping pills. Now I just need to stop crying by the time they take affect.
....I'm terrified of going to church tomorrow. I know why I'm terrified, but church should be a place for support and help and prayer, not a place to fear. I just don't know how I'll react to all the baby bellies there. Will I make it through, smiling and answering questions with only a few tears shed, will I hide in the bathroom and just let them gush, or will I just hide at home with my fussy, not sleeping toddler and put off all the questions and looks for another Sunday?
....I can deal with all this grief and be fine, even feel good, then have one night of misery, that seems like it will never end and I'll never feel good again.
....I am feeling this way when I should be happy! Bleeding has stopped, cycle is getting back to normal, ovulating! Why am I so down now?
....every Dead Baby Mama blog I read tonight is all about their new baby or their pregnancy after their loss and just makes me feel even crappier! I want to be happy for them, but I also want to still be pregnant! I looked to those blogs to find some help with the uncontrollable tears, and instead find more pregnant people!
....the sleeping pills haven't taken affect and I'm still upright typing, not passed out snoring. Those of you who know me well, it is unusual that I'm even still awake at this time.
I don't know why... my baby died. I should be 22 weeks pregnant right now. I just want to be back feeling those small kicks, and have them be real, not gas. I want to have an ultrasound and find out that everything is healthy and well. I just want to have a healthy baby. Why did my baby die!
1 comment:
Baby, it's grief. The journey is not a straight line, easy and predictable. It's full of challenges, ups and downs, good days, bad days, and lots of tears. There is also lots of fear, anger, and questions. It's incredibly unfair. The way you feel is completely normal. In time, it does get better. But it's only been 3 weeks. It's OK to still feel like this.
And I hear you on the blogs. I just had to quit reading.
I saw pregnant people everywhere for a time. A perverted Sixth Sense. I hated anybody who had my due date.
All these feelings are really hard, and it's hard to envision the other side of this grief. You just want to feel "better." And you will. This is part of your very hard journey. We love you so much, and are walking with you and Tony as much as we can. Call me anytime, I'm always here for you.
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