Not just good, but a great day!

Today was a great day! I can honestly say that today was the best day I've had in not just weeks, but months! Nothing special happened; the students were still chatty and wild, my kids were still fussy, but somehow it was completely different than the previous days. I felt like all of a sudden I was awake and wanting to have fun again.

As much as I wanted that baby, I realized today how miserable I was and how severely it affected my day to day life. How could I have been such a grouch for so many months and not realize how nasty I was. In the last 8 weeks I have been impatient, yelling, screaming, throwing things, and completely irrational. All those things are understandable being pregnant and hormonal, but today I realized just how extreme I was acting. The entire pregnancy I was angry at anything and everyone. I have never been so frustrated and upset so often before. I was even getting regular road rage! All that anger couldn't have been healthy.

Today, all of a sudden, I was patient, engaging, and really happy. I helped get the kids ready, had a great morning, and though I tried to stay serious, I laughed myself silly with the antics of my students. You know things were bad before when your co-workers and students notice the difference! Everyone I talked to today was asking me if I was different. Either a different hair style or cut, did I get more sleep, what?

How could just being pregnant have made me that terribly mean and miserable? I was just making do, not really doing well. I was just trying to survive. I must have been the most depressed mom, wife, and teacher. Everytime I tried to do something, I was exhausted. I could tell today, laughing with my students and playing with my boys, that they were wondering, "Who are you and why are you so fun now?" Looking back, I can't believe my family and students put up with all the crap I dealt them. My poor husband and children must have wanted to leave me. My husband is wonderful, I hope he knows it. He has put up with so much from me, I only hope I can make it up to him in the next few weeks. I want to get pregnant sometime in the future, but I don't want to feel miserable again.

So have I totally moved on from this miscarriage? No, I don't think so, but I do think that I've really started to move on from this. I was able to talk with several co-workers today about my miscarriage, and never shed a tear. I still think constantly about that baby, but realizing how horrible I felt through this pregnancy, I realize that my body was telling me, especially the last few weeks, that something was really wrong with it. I'll always miss that baby, but I have to say after today that I am really happy not to be pregnant. I was miserable, and everyone around me was miserable!

I do want to thank everyone who sent me cards and emails. All your thoughts and prayers have helped us get through this. All the girlfriends, thanks for the understanding and thoughts. I really do appreciate all the support in this tragedy. Thanks for everything. There will be bad days, I'm sure, but right now, I'm doing great. Now I just need to get back in shape after all these months of feeling so yucky. I'm back to the aerobics tomorrow!

So what am I doing now with all this new found energy? Well, Colten is staying with my parents tonight and is off to make cider with all the family in Oregon tomorrow. Carson is cranky, but asleep, and Tony is visiting friends. Me? I'm sitting in bed, ignoring the boxes of correcting and the baskets of laundry. I'm going to relax. Watch some tv, play some Xbox, read a good juicy romance novel (because I'm only one week into the six week ban), and maybe take a bath. I'm enjoying the time to myself, without feeling down, depressed, or crying.